8 MORE PRINCIPLES BELOW TO HELP LET GO OF FANTASY, PORN OR FETISH
2) Are you just human?
Question- Can I let go or change without cultivating spirituality? Tough. We identify with our thoughts and beliefs and this is our first problem and we do not wish to let them go for fear of losing ourselves, or encountering discomfort. So do the opposite and learn to tolerate discomfort.
You are FAR more than your addiction but I agree the addiction is loud and pulls like a bully. The fantasy is an obsessive attachment to an idea that you have wired to over time, so you are giving that up, plus all of it's zillions of associations(feelings, histories, sub associations, physical reactions). You are giving up a bunch of chemical reactions?Not you!! Two different things.
Yes it might sound daunting?but it?s not that hard. Well?it is?and? it isn?t. Ask a woman about child birth and she will tell you that she agonized for 23 hours. Ask her if she had another kid and she may smile and say ?yes in fact 4?. It hurts and there is pain?and it?s more than worth it.
3) Acceptance and Expansion. Do not fight it and isolate yourself. Like quick sand?do not fight it. This brings more shame. And drama?and the mind loves drama and struggle so you will make it worse. Instead ?accept it and expand/open. Who are you fighting?you?
Accept the reality that it is there and you struggle with it- that is an essential step. Speak about it to trusted friends, therapist or a 12 step group in your area like SA, or in forum like this. Not fighting it does not mean ignoring it either and pretending it does not exist, or it will grow too. That is denial. So both repression and denial do not work and will make it stickier. There is a third way-?a spiritual route of acceptance. Accept it. And then choose a clear path based on spirit.
What do I mean when I mean spirit? It is that ?being? part of you- the human being.
Accept your obsession and the role it has played and how you formed from the kind warm place of your awareness-your essence-your Spirit-your Truth. This is not positive thinking-this is a real place inside you that has been covered up by the noise and grasping of your lack and fetish. There is real freedom inside you but it is not attained by ?getting? an external fix- real or imagined.
You automatically fall into it by giving up that and falling into an internal easy, serene presence (spirit) that feels fully like you- because it is you. You cannot run out and grab or get spirit...you let go into it. You are an extension of God or creation of our creator and now you are simply honoring that. When you observe yourself say by practicing mindfulness or praying, then that silence, that awareness becomes the new access point. That is if you are observing your thoughts, lusts, urges?then you are not them. That is the miracle?where are you observing them from?? This is critical.
As you accept this fetish is your experience and accept your compulsive attachment you can paradoxically then let it go through choice. Like having a toxic acre of crops that do not produce. Rather than spending all your energy converting , just allow it to be there?and begin expanding and planting new seeds in new acres but you must choose that. Choose life, choose new. Nobody can do that other than you. Choose despite. Despite is a game changer. The old is there? but you are tilling the new ones.
4) 12 Step and Supports- Find a community near you and sit in. It?s scary at first but they are all dealing with similar issues, and dynamics, whether its booze, drugs, food, gambling or sex or a fetish out of control-take responsibility and deal with it. Or at least read a 12 step book.
I learned through a 12 step that most normal people adjust their behavior and desires to meet their visions, and values. Me, the fetish/fantasy king did the opposite. I adjusted my values (wife, life, spirit, connection, career or the precious moment) to fuel my sexual fetishistic behavior or wishes. Everything aligned itself around it ?and it was miserable. Reverse it!
Be willing to give things up. I lost 50 lbs not by being present with my urges to eat. That is, I used to think were ?me?. How? By staring at a buffett?wanting the greasy food?feeling my saliva?feeling the alarm in my head yell eat-fast-now?but yet choosing the salad and soup despite. Over and over I had to do this. Despite the wanting. Over and over and I still do it. I did not get this new freedom ?because? of the desire being satisfied? I got it by giving it up. Had I given in I would have satisfied the urge and burped and felt ok for 15 minutes, gained more weight and stayed a slave.
Like any addiction a 12 step and our spirit keeps expands us and keeps the momentum alive and we need to make this our lifestyle. Sure we can stop for a week but like say a food addiction we are met with 500 cues in our society to eat and we need tools to offset that.
I have 8 guys I text now all over Florida if I?m beginning to fall back and if I do it fast it?s gone like it never happened. And I do the same for them.
5) Awareness and Mindfulness- It?s about letting go and growing. Take a course or read a book and practice it. Buddha was right-attachments, even to nice things, suck and cause suffering. Not the things themselves but the attachment. Become aware of your body, your thoughts, beliefs, lusts, fears, loneliness, childhood, feelings?and make friends with it all. Accept it all as if you are choosing food on a menu. Sit with difficult feelings from your awareness. Let it all go and choose healthy action each day.
Can you imagine being 87 years old in an old folks home, and leering at the nurse bending over? Because you never learned to let go, and be filled from the (seemingly) invisible inside ?outwards?rather than trying to somehow fill our inside with the visible outside stuff. It never works . Reverse it- from inside to out?life is fantastic.
6) Purpose -Find out what your fetish is giving you or doing for you. What is its purpose? When you are bored or in a bad mood - get a notebook and watch where your mind goes?or meditate gently or pray?ask what do I need to feel if this soother was given up? If I give up my middleman of relating (fantasy)?what bad things do I need to feel? Possible rejection? Uncertainty? THAT is what you must feel then even though it is unpleasant(and I guarantee it will be painful?but you are already in pain?, right? But going toward this pain and accepting is the way through it to healing-not sheltering and using a crutch. Sure you face pain?but you give up suffering which makes it way, way worse.
Ask?Is it a sense of security? Safety? Being finally complete? Whole? Understood? Closeness? Bonded to a woman? Understood? Is it the ultimate connection? Are you being punished and ?fixed?? Is there a void or something missing?
7) Imagine what she must feel. Wonder what she might be thinking with all the porn, fantasy and fetish. And how inadequate she feels based on never measuring up. Reverse it for a minute.
Suppose each time she wanted a date night and a fuck, she insisted that you wore a tuxedo like James Bond, give her a red flower and $500. Each and every time. Very specific-each time. Or she talked incessantly about it. Suppose she wants all this because she grew up as a little girl lonely but watching movies and like James Bond-she bonded to the concept of Bond, and the exciting romance of a foreign man, a spy, in a tuxedo, with money who gives flowers and woos women.
You fill this role only if you obey her conditions and she will accept you. But if you relax and be yourself and if you wear jeans, and burp and have $10 ?it?s a total turn off. How would that make you feel?
Do you want her to relate to you? or the fantasy of James Bond through you as she stares at you dancing, or dining out, or undressing.
Ask yourself why you scan the street or watch porn. Why lust for more? If you are an alcoholic would you give booze up and stare at empty bottle labels? Or through pub windows? Why bother? Why add extra stimuli to an already sex soaked wold? Go camping instead. Enjoy little things-don?t hold your breath for the big ultimate stuff. That is bullshit.
[?IMG] OK to let go- Finally?its ok to let go of things. You are not disowning yourself. You are not going to be trapped or stagnate to a horrible boring vanilla life by giving up. Only if you take counsel from that little you-that needy little urgent boy that needs your fetish as a crutch will you believe that. That needy boy must grow up into a man, who is full in himself and can then give.
In fact try it. Vanilla is very fun for me now. Making love to my wife I feel connected and great without any lingerie. Vanilla fucking is fun. Would I like it if she wore any? Sure. But I don?t need it. And I accept that she does not want to even though I used to be so resentful and depressed. Now she is off the hook for completing me in a parent child-like relationship. I feel like a real man- a fresh real man. See if you feel an inner expansion each time your needy, self is giving up.
9) Don?t Reference Culture
Everyone is struggling and incomplete. Right? Every human is flawed. So if culture is a simply a collection of individuals?why look to culture for messages of how we need to be?
Our upbringing and ways tell us that getting is good, and while getting things is certainly "nice" as you age a bit you may see that "giving up" is where it's at...not what our consumer culture shouts. The great American dream about ?making it? and finally getting ?there? is a great American myth. Where exactly is ?there???and when we get to our idea of ?there??then what? We are told to get things to get there and so we do this our whole life and arrive there ?overweight, on a yacht with pussy all around us?and likely very miserable. Think Hugh Heffner. Who says we won?t keep pointing to a new ?there? to get fulfilled. Let?s change there to here.
There is ?here? in the little things and we do not need to reject the zillions of here?s to get there. Here?s are fantastic warts and all. I don?t care if you are reading this from a 1 bedroom, little shit hole dump apartment?here is perfect.
2) Are you just human?
Question- Can I let go or change without cultivating spirituality? Tough. We identify with our thoughts and beliefs and this is our first problem and we do not wish to let them go for fear of losing ourselves, or encountering discomfort. So do the opposite and learn to tolerate discomfort.
You are FAR more than your addiction but I agree the addiction is loud and pulls like a bully. The fantasy is an obsessive attachment to an idea that you have wired to over time, so you are giving that up, plus all of it's zillions of associations(feelings, histories, sub associations, physical reactions). You are giving up a bunch of chemical reactions?Not you!! Two different things.
Yes it might sound daunting?but it?s not that hard. Well?it is?and? it isn?t. Ask a woman about child birth and she will tell you that she agonized for 23 hours. Ask her if she had another kid and she may smile and say ?yes in fact 4?. It hurts and there is pain?and it?s more than worth it.
3) Acceptance and Expansion. Do not fight it and isolate yourself. Like quick sand?do not fight it. This brings more shame. And drama?and the mind loves drama and struggle so you will make it worse. Instead ?accept it and expand/open. Who are you fighting?you?
Accept the reality that it is there and you struggle with it- that is an essential step. Speak about it to trusted friends, therapist or a 12 step group in your area like SA, or in forum like this. Not fighting it does not mean ignoring it either and pretending it does not exist, or it will grow too. That is denial. So both repression and denial do not work and will make it stickier. There is a third way-?a spiritual route of acceptance. Accept it. And then choose a clear path based on spirit.
What do I mean when I mean spirit? It is that ?being? part of you- the human being.
Accept your obsession and the role it has played and how you formed from the kind warm place of your awareness-your essence-your Spirit-your Truth. This is not positive thinking-this is a real place inside you that has been covered up by the noise and grasping of your lack and fetish. There is real freedom inside you but it is not attained by ?getting? an external fix- real or imagined.
You automatically fall into it by giving up that and falling into an internal easy, serene presence (spirit) that feels fully like you- because it is you. You cannot run out and grab or get spirit...you let go into it. You are an extension of God or creation of our creator and now you are simply honoring that. When you observe yourself say by practicing mindfulness or praying, then that silence, that awareness becomes the new access point. That is if you are observing your thoughts, lusts, urges?then you are not them. That is the miracle?where are you observing them from?? This is critical.
As you accept this fetish is your experience and accept your compulsive attachment you can paradoxically then let it go through choice. Like having a toxic acre of crops that do not produce. Rather than spending all your energy converting , just allow it to be there?and begin expanding and planting new seeds in new acres but you must choose that. Choose life, choose new. Nobody can do that other than you. Choose despite. Despite is a game changer. The old is there? but you are tilling the new ones.
4) 12 Step and Supports- Find a community near you and sit in. It?s scary at first but they are all dealing with similar issues, and dynamics, whether its booze, drugs, food, gambling or sex or a fetish out of control-take responsibility and deal with it. Or at least read a 12 step book.
I learned through a 12 step that most normal people adjust their behavior and desires to meet their visions, and values. Me, the fetish/fantasy king did the opposite. I adjusted my values (wife, life, spirit, connection, career or the precious moment) to fuel my sexual fetishistic behavior or wishes. Everything aligned itself around it ?and it was miserable. Reverse it!
Be willing to give things up. I lost 50 lbs not by being present with my urges to eat. That is, I used to think were ?me?. How? By staring at a buffett?wanting the greasy food?feeling my saliva?feeling the alarm in my head yell eat-fast-now?but yet choosing the salad and soup despite. Over and over I had to do this. Despite the wanting. Over and over and I still do it. I did not get this new freedom ?because? of the desire being satisfied? I got it by giving it up. Had I given in I would have satisfied the urge and burped and felt ok for 15 minutes, gained more weight and stayed a slave.
Like any addiction a 12 step and our spirit keeps expands us and keeps the momentum alive and we need to make this our lifestyle. Sure we can stop for a week but like say a food addiction we are met with 500 cues in our society to eat and we need tools to offset that.
I have 8 guys I text now all over Florida if I?m beginning to fall back and if I do it fast it?s gone like it never happened. And I do the same for them.
5) Awareness and Mindfulness- It?s about letting go and growing. Take a course or read a book and practice it. Buddha was right-attachments, even to nice things, suck and cause suffering. Not the things themselves but the attachment. Become aware of your body, your thoughts, beliefs, lusts, fears, loneliness, childhood, feelings?and make friends with it all. Accept it all as if you are choosing food on a menu. Sit with difficult feelings from your awareness. Let it all go and choose healthy action each day.
Can you imagine being 87 years old in an old folks home, and leering at the nurse bending over? Because you never learned to let go, and be filled from the (seemingly) invisible inside ?outwards?rather than trying to somehow fill our inside with the visible outside stuff. It never works . Reverse it- from inside to out?life is fantastic.
6) Purpose -Find out what your fetish is giving you or doing for you. What is its purpose? When you are bored or in a bad mood - get a notebook and watch where your mind goes?or meditate gently or pray?ask what do I need to feel if this soother was given up? If I give up my middleman of relating (fantasy)?what bad things do I need to feel? Possible rejection? Uncertainty? THAT is what you must feel then even though it is unpleasant(and I guarantee it will be painful?but you are already in pain?, right? But going toward this pain and accepting is the way through it to healing-not sheltering and using a crutch. Sure you face pain?but you give up suffering which makes it way, way worse.
Ask?Is it a sense of security? Safety? Being finally complete? Whole? Understood? Closeness? Bonded to a woman? Understood? Is it the ultimate connection? Are you being punished and ?fixed?? Is there a void or something missing?
7) Imagine what she must feel. Wonder what she might be thinking with all the porn, fantasy and fetish. And how inadequate she feels based on never measuring up. Reverse it for a minute.
Suppose each time she wanted a date night and a fuck, she insisted that you wore a tuxedo like James Bond, give her a red flower and $500. Each and every time. Very specific-each time. Or she talked incessantly about it. Suppose she wants all this because she grew up as a little girl lonely but watching movies and like James Bond-she bonded to the concept of Bond, and the exciting romance of a foreign man, a spy, in a tuxedo, with money who gives flowers and woos women.
You fill this role only if you obey her conditions and she will accept you. But if you relax and be yourself and if you wear jeans, and burp and have $10 ?it?s a total turn off. How would that make you feel?
Do you want her to relate to you? or the fantasy of James Bond through you as she stares at you dancing, or dining out, or undressing.
Ask yourself why you scan the street or watch porn. Why lust for more? If you are an alcoholic would you give booze up and stare at empty bottle labels? Or through pub windows? Why bother? Why add extra stimuli to an already sex soaked wold? Go camping instead. Enjoy little things-don?t hold your breath for the big ultimate stuff. That is bullshit.
[?IMG] OK to let go- Finally?its ok to let go of things. You are not disowning yourself. You are not going to be trapped or stagnate to a horrible boring vanilla life by giving up. Only if you take counsel from that little you-that needy little urgent boy that needs your fetish as a crutch will you believe that. That needy boy must grow up into a man, who is full in himself and can then give.
In fact try it. Vanilla is very fun for me now. Making love to my wife I feel connected and great without any lingerie. Vanilla fucking is fun. Would I like it if she wore any? Sure. But I don?t need it. And I accept that she does not want to even though I used to be so resentful and depressed. Now she is off the hook for completing me in a parent child-like relationship. I feel like a real man- a fresh real man. See if you feel an inner expansion each time your needy, self is giving up.
9) Don?t Reference Culture
Everyone is struggling and incomplete. Right? Every human is flawed. So if culture is a simply a collection of individuals?why look to culture for messages of how we need to be?
Our upbringing and ways tell us that getting is good, and while getting things is certainly "nice" as you age a bit you may see that "giving up" is where it's at...not what our consumer culture shouts. The great American dream about ?making it? and finally getting ?there? is a great American myth. Where exactly is ?there???and when we get to our idea of ?there??then what? We are told to get things to get there and so we do this our whole life and arrive there ?overweight, on a yacht with pussy all around us?and likely very miserable. Think Hugh Heffner. Who says we won?t keep pointing to a new ?there? to get fulfilled. Let?s change there to here.
There is ?here? in the little things and we do not need to reject the zillions of here?s to get there. Here?s are fantastic warts and all. I don?t care if you are reading this from a 1 bedroom, little shit hole dump apartment?here is perfect.
