Author Topic: Time to get a bit more serious  (Read 10183 times)

CrazyGopher

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #50 on: November 22, 2015, 02:02:33 PM »
Day 33 & 34,
Welll I am unhappy to report that I had a moment of weakness and relapsed and I am feeling super ashamed and disappointed in myself. I've been doing so great and all of a sudden this strong urge just kicked in out of nowhere. I can't explain how much I am hurting right now. I was thinking of a bunch of ways I can justify that I wouldn't have to reset my counter or how I can just omit this and continue on with my day count. I feel like I have made it so far and don't want to restart but I guess I have to. It felt like for the longest time I could hold my head up knowing I had a bit of control over this habit. It is approx 3 in the morning where I live. I went to sleep and ended up waking up twice due to nightmares/ weird dreams that made me super uncomforatable. I don't know what happened the third time but I woke up with this crazy strong urge to watch porn. I tried to rationalize why I shouldn't and think of the days I've accumulated, but my heart was pounding like crazy and I coundn't stop. I'm not sure what little things caused this. Maybe I should have kept on top of my journal more. Oh god I am so hurt right now. I really want to get over this sooo bad and it was scary how quickly this thing took over my mind. I am terrified that I might never have full control, 34 days down the drain. Please any words of encouragement, support or advice is helpful right now. Thanks. Also I didn't even get a chance to watch the porn, I had eaculated before the video loaded

Hi crazygdude,

It sounds like you are really hurting right now. I know what you mean when you say it is scary how quickly this thing can take over your mind, because it has happened to me so many times. Yikes! :o :'(

You asked for advice, so here are some ideas. Firstly, you should know that waking up in the middle of the night with extreme urges for P or MO is common. It will probably happen again if you continue down this path. It happens to me, too, and that's one reason why I have my devices locked down tight (that way it is much harder to access P at night when I am groggy, horny, and not thinking clearly).

Communicating with others on this site really helps. Here's a tip from TobyTob:

Post daily journals, keeps you in check and also read other peoples posts and just get the communication going...has a significant impact, I promise.

Finally, knowing that MO without P is not a relapse/restart may make these nighttime situations seem less overwhelming. Many guys here choose to avoid MO during their reboot, and avoiding MO is indeed helpful for PIED recovery. But when things get really tough, remembering that avoiding P and P subs is more important could also be helpful.

Got to sign off now, but I will say that if you really want to free yourself from P, it can be done! I had to reset one time after 6 months free recently, but the time off has really changed me. I struggle much less with urges now. The longer you can stay away from P, the more those pathways in your brain will rewire.
« Last Edit: November 22, 2015, 03:44:21 PM by CrazyGopher »

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #51 on: November 22, 2015, 03:27:20 PM »
Day 35,
Thanks CrazyGopher, I really appreciate the words of encouragement and support so much. I was feeling absolutely horrible and disgusted with myself at the moment. But I just got back from the gym and had some time to reflect, unfortunately I woke up again and thought to myself "well I already fucked up my count" and MO'd to a picture off of fb and watched one P video. I was just about to watch another one when I decided to check my journal and read your reply and it got me through it. But no that I think about it I realized how far I've come and that I went down from watching P 3 times a day to once a month. Now just have to go back at it again headstrong and learn a lesson. I think I am going to buy an alarm clock and not use my phone for an alarm and charge it outside of my room. Also I am going to be more diligent about keeping up with my journal.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #52 on: November 22, 2015, 09:50:00 PM »
Well just to update a little more on my day. Some things I noticed after my relapse, I was pretty lethargic throughout most of the day and the brain fog seemed to return as well. I felt pretty down most of the day and also had a 3 hour nap. Oh well time to beat my previous best.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #53 on: November 22, 2015, 10:21:46 PM »
Well I actually should probably go a little more in depth on why I turned to P in the first place and I'm going to be a bit vulnerable here. Well I am still super frustrated at my lack of will power of me relapsing and feeling like I threw away all my progress for 2 mins of immediate gratification. I keep thinking about how I have this feeling of loneliness that I just seem to carry. I feel like I really want a relationship and that it would make me happy even knowing that will not solve my problems. I just feel so lost sometimes. I feel like I am surrounded by people that I can't relate to. I am on this whole crazy journey to become the best version of myself and it feels like no one really understands what I'm trying to accomplish. I am trying to stay alcohol free, trying to stay PMO free, and doing all these other things like lifting weights, eating healthy, reading books, listening to podcasts and meditating and people think I am weird or just wasting my time. But I am starting to understand that I have this whole superiority complex and feel like I am doing these things just so that I can impress people and seek their approval. It's hard I just want to fit in and be like everyone else, but I just don't feel happy when I try to be like everyone else. Also to elaborate a bit more on the relationship department, I see everyone around me who are in relationships and I find myself thinking, why do they get to be in a relationship and I'm here all alone. I see these people who I perceive to be beneath me and they get a relationship. There are girls I know that really like me, but I just don't feel like they are on the same level as me. I would really like a girl with a bit of ambition and who takes care of themselves. I mean I make the effort to work on myself so why would I want a girl who doesn't do the same? But anyways if anyone reads this I am thankful that you took the time. I wish you all the best of luck and I will do the same.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #54 on: November 24, 2015, 12:18:52 AM »
Day 36,
Well I felt today was pretty good, I feel like I  didn't lose all the benefits by relapsing, I'm still feeling some of my confidence I was gaining. Also I decided that my relapse would have been only a true failure if I didn't learn any lessons from my relapse. I've been thinking that I can't truly fail as long as I'm trying. I believe the only true failure is never trying at all. Also I decided to break my goals up into milestones rather than try to be too ambitious and try to break my last streak. So I am going to go for a week, and then 10 days, and then 15 days, then 30, and so on.
« Last Edit: November 25, 2015, 10:36:13 PM by crazygdude »

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #55 on: November 25, 2015, 01:26:27 AM »
Day 37,
Not much to report, still feel like I'm flatlining. Just feeling kinda apethetic, almost asexual. Other than that just been kinda tired today and went to go watch a movie. Nothing spectacular, anyways another day down again, getting back on track. Also noticed how much better I've gotten about not watching P, don't even really think about it.

freedom2015

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #56 on: November 25, 2015, 09:28:22 PM »
Hey Crazygdude, I am glad you are feeling well now.  I hope you are able to continue your progress, and I wanted to let you know I enjoy reading your journal.  I really like how you talk about improving yourself, and it motivates me to do similar things. I'm spending a lot of time learning Spanish, and really want to start going to the gym, but I think I am afraid that it will be a reality check of how out of shape I am.  Anyways, keep up the recovery brother, and I wish you all the best luck.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #57 on: November 25, 2015, 10:47:56 PM »
Hey Crazygdude, I am glad you are feeling well now.  I hope you are able to continue your progress, and I wanted to let you know I enjoy reading your journal.  I really like how you talk about improving yourself, and it motivates me to do similar things. I'm spending a lot of time learning Spanish, and really want to start going to the gym, but I think I am afraid that it will be a reality check of how out of shape I am.  Anyways, keep up the recovery brother, and I wish you all the best luck.
Day 38,
Thanks Freedom, it's responses like yours that make allow me to get back and try my best again. That's great I would love to learn another language, I believe it would be very beneficial. Also regarding the, what better time to start than now? I love the gym and weightlifing is what kick started my whole journey into self improvement. It brought me out of a very dark place and has grown into so much more. It's what has led me to all these self improvement activities like reading, eating healthy, meditating, listening to self improvement podcasts and just generally improving in every way possible. I just feel like the one thing holding me back from becoming the best version of myself is this bad habit of watching P that I have fallen into. it has always been this source of shame that has always been in the back of my mind. I want to kick this habit so that I can become stronger so that I may help out others as well. I want to show people that if a guy who was once shy and filled with anxiety can do all these great things with his life so can anyone. I don't want to just better myself for me, I want to better myself so that I may serve others better. Anyways thanks a million "freedom2015", I wish you the best on your journey as well.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #58 on: November 26, 2015, 10:41:36 PM »
Day 39,
Well today was alright, nothing exciting to report on the recovery part. Still no morning wood, and feeling a little better than the weekend though. Decided to listen to an audiobook of "The game" a book about pickup artists. It has given me some inspiration. I would love to live my life like these guys do, not in the sense that I would love to be a pickup artist, but in the sense of wishing I could be as confident in the social aspect. I've had such a hard time talking to girl or approaching girls due to the fact that my self esteem has taken a hit due to my PIED. It's weird, I have been with some beautiful girls and I don't know why I still carry a lot of anxiety when it comes to talking to them even knowing I have hooked up with girls I've believed to be out of my league in the past. I guess the main reason is I am scared of getting intimate with a girl and not being able to get it up. Oh well the only way I can get better is going through this process, as much as I wish I could be healed now, anything worth having just takes time. I believe one day I will have a healthy sex life with my dream girl. I just have to realize I will attract into my life what I put out there, and if I want to attract an amazing person I will have to be an amazing person myself.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #59 on: November 27, 2015, 09:34:05 PM »
Day 40,
Just another day under the sun, almost felt like relapsing last night, but more discipline minds prevailed. It is getting easier to resist these urges with time. Also my diet has been kind of off these past couple days and been taking some time to rest from the gym this week as well. But finally getting out of my comfort zone. Was invited to my supervisors place for a party and I usually decline because I am usually not the most social dude ever. But I accepted, also I am hoping to go snowboarding tomorrow. It's something I  have talked about doing for years no but I never got around to despite having all the resources available to me. I'm starting to realize that life is meant to be lived.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #60 on: November 29, 2015, 03:58:11 PM »
Day 41 & 42
Well relapsed again, I knew this was going to happen if I went out and drank. I had way too much to drink and didn't get much sleep. This whole week has kind of been downward spiral. I decided to take a week off from a gym to allow my body to rest up, an I don't usually take these breaks often. Also kind of fell off of my diet as well and been eating junk food and terrible meals. So I've been feeling awful as of lately Also don't usually drink much anymore either but it was my supervisors invite so I thought I would give it a go. But I'm going to quit drinking until I can get back on track . I'm tired of feeling this awful. I know I can get past this, but I have to get control some of my other bad habits as well. Im sick, ashamed of my relapse, tired, and feeling crummy just due to lack of exercise and eating bad food. Man it's crazy how humans are such self destructive creatures. But I kinda feel like I'm a little down in the dumps today, but there is no where to go but up. I'm going to do this. I want to be better and I will. I need to come at this with a bit more gusto and enthusiam. My brain feels so foggy and undisciplined at the moment.

freedom2015

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #61 on: November 29, 2015, 04:19:13 PM »
Hey brother, I am sorry you have struggled the last day or so.  I definitely agree with you about the other bad habits affecting your ability to control your problem with porn.  You are 100% right about humans being so self-destructive sometimes.  I talk to my counselor every week about all my self-destructive habits.  A lot of the time I struggle with eating super unhealthy foods, low amounts of sleep, procrastination, and of course abusing porn.  I feel like I have a grasp on the porn as of right now, but the other 3 issues are still up in the air at any given moment.  I have faith in you friend, and I believe that you know what you need to do to accomplish your goals.  Keep your head up, every relapse is an opportunity to re-assess your strengths, weaknesses, triggers, and relapse prevention plan.  You still have a lot of support on these forums, so don't feel like your in this alone.   

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #62 on: November 30, 2015, 04:48:54 PM »
Day 43,
thanks Freedom, as always I'm sure you know how much your support means, I can at least be happy that I have not descended down into the deep depths of depression I have once known. I can at least just say I have stumbled a little as is to be expected on any journey. I am glad I have not totally thrown in the towel and gone back to watching P 3 times a day, I mean twice now in a month is great, I have to start focusing a little more on the victories and a little less on the failures. But I have vowed to not drink alcohol again until I can gain some control over myself. I have to step back and remind myself what my goals are and take mini steps. My first hurdle will be getting through my sticking point of 7 days.  But what compelled me to write in this journal is this entry I have just read from this book I am reading "The 50th law" by Robert Greene. It goes like this: "As in all situations, the determining factor will be our attitude, how we choose to look at this reality. If we give in to the fear, we wil give disproportionate attention to the negative and manufacture the very adverse circumstances that we dread. If we go the opposite direction cultivating a fearless approach to life, attacking everything with boldness and energy, then we will create a much different dynamic." That entry just hit me so hard and I felt the need to share it in hopes that it may help others as well. Have a good day everyone I wish you all the best in your journeys

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #63 on: December 01, 2015, 11:39:33 PM »
Day 44,
Well still kind of feeling a little under the weather, and took some time off of work. I am glad I have had the willpower to not PMO seeing I have had a lot of extra time and been feeling kinda bad. But weekdays have never been my issue, it is always the weekends that get me. But I have realized I have been definitely been slacking a little on this whole kicking this habit.I must admit I have let the couple relapses I had recently demoralize me. But I know deep down inside that I want to kick this habit. I'm tired of this disgusting feeling I carry around, I'm tired of feeling emasculated. I know that I am capable of amazing things, I have done great things in the past and this is just one more obstacle to overcome. The struggle will make the victory so much sweeter in the end. I know one day I will have everything I've ever wanted, I know that I will have a healthy sex life and be able to hold my head up high one day. But that day will never come if I don't take the action now and take little steps to improving my life. Sometimes you have to be your own hero and save yourself, because nobody else will do it for you. Keep on fighting the good fight bruthas

freedom2015

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #64 on: December 02, 2015, 04:28:25 PM »
I really like that entry from the book, it is so true.  Attitude is everything.  I am going to take that with me through the next couple days, as I have been struggling immensely.  I can tell my brain is search for a big dopamine high, but I think it is good that I am having these cravings and urges because my will power is growing every time I say no, but as I struggle I learn more about myself.  It's all about how we spin the events in our life.  We can focus on everything negative or turn it into positives.  Best of luck friend.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #65 on: December 03, 2015, 12:03:20 AM »
Day 45,
Hey Freedom I am glad that some entry had some impact. You keep up the good work also.  Well took took another day off of work and just had no motivation at all for anything. I did MO today, but I'm glad I had the willpower not to PMO. Although it is not optimal, it's definitely an improvement. I've been in such a funk lately. I just want to get back to my normal schedule and get back on track. My diet and workout regime has been so lackluster just due to sickness. But anyways keep up the good work people

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #66 on: December 03, 2015, 11:59:21 PM »
Day 46,
Well finally hit the gym and went to work the first time this week, it felt great. Oh man 3 days off of my regular schedule and it just blows my mind how unmotivated one can become. I really need to stay on top of all this stuff. I was just thinking about how I use PMO as self medication. I really need to address some of my issues more. I have this crazy core loneliness that I carry around with me and I it's weird because I have a ton of people who want to be in my life. I just dont relate to most of them so I push them away because I believe I need friends who have all the same interests as me. But that's a bit absurd, I just have to be more open and not expect everyone to be perfect because I am not perfect myself.Also was going to ask if anyone else had any habits/supplements/ ideas about things that may speed up recovery for PIED. I do realize that there will be no magical cure or anything better than just giving myself time, just thought there might be some things that will optimize recovery time.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #67 on: December 05, 2015, 02:13:35 AM »
Day 47,
Well another day closer to my goal, nothin to exciting to report. Just thought I should write in my journal to keep my mind on my goal. Hope everyone is still staying strong.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #68 on: December 07, 2015, 12:29:37 AM »
Day 48,
Been doing alright, had some strong urges to PMO but managed to hold them off. Realized I hit my small goal of 7 days, now on to 15 days. Also noticed I was getting too complacent with everything so I re-read a couple entries from "The way of the superior man". Gave me some more motivation. Also I managed to beat my personal record at the gym and managed to deadlift 410 lbs. Also been talking to a lot more friends lately and keeping in touch with a girl who I have some history with.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #69 on: December 08, 2015, 01:00:45 AM »
Day 49,
Well I made it past the week mark without PMO, but haven't made a week without MO. Thats something I need to work on. I've just been so off my game lately. To be honest I went to a party last week and was given some MDMA and I feel like it kinda messed up my brain. Haven't felt quite the same lately. But I'm still making the effort to try and better myself. I don't think I'm going to give up. I want this badly and I won't give in. I've been thinking about how much difficulties I've been facing with this. but because of you guys I'm not going to give up so easily. I know this is what I want and need in my life and that I going to keep on going until I conquer this addiction. I have come to realize that this is actually an addiction and have to treat it as such. I realized I have been hard on myself lately beating myself up for the relapses that have happened so far. But now that I think of it, progress has been made. I've had a total of 4 relapses within the past 3 months. So going from watching P 60 times a month at least to 4 times in 3 months is better than nothing. I've also gotten rid of all sources of triggers on my laptop, and also unfollowed every kind of trigger on social media as well. I know this can be beat and realize that all the greatest things in life require some struggle. I can only grow from this and I think once I am healed I will learn to appreciate my sexual health a lot more.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #70 on: December 09, 2015, 12:07:13 AM »
Day 50,
Oh boy, this far in I wish I could have made it through without relapsin. Oh well not much I can do to change the past. Can only change the future.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #71 on: December 10, 2015, 12:35:35 AM »
Day 51,
Well been super unmotivated in the gym, started to feel like I'm slowly spiralling downwards. Almost gave in and watched porn. Was just loading a porn site but my internet was being slow, so as going to default to ust using fb pics,, but those wouldn't load either. Then just MO'ed without anything. Still super unhappy because I've MO'ed like everday day for the past week and a half it seems. I'm just really struggling and was just about to give up on it all for a bit here. Forced myself to come here and write. I'm not going to give up because of you guys who have given me support. I'm not about to just disrespect all of that and pretend like it was nothing because it has helped out a lot so far. I'm just finding myself cutting workouts early, wanting to go out and drink alcohol, eating more sweets than usual, skipping meditations and not even wanting to journal. I'm struggling so hard just to try and keep it going just a little, even if it's only like 10 mins of readin and 5 mins of journal. I just really want to get back on track so bad, I'm just hurting alot lately. But again just going to thank everyone for their support and encouragement, could use a supportive word or 2 if ya have the time. I'm not going to give in and just throw any little progress I've made away. I want to be PMO free and master my impulses so bad. I just kinda underestimated how much I would struggle and overestimated my will power. Please I'm just praying for the strength to get back on track. My god I haven't felt this defeated in a long time. But as with all things good and bad. This too shall pass.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #72 on: December 10, 2015, 11:56:12 PM »
Day 52,
Well fuck I relapsed again, I knew it was coming been on this god damn downward spiral for awhile now. It's so frustrating going back into this shitty cycle. I know I can one day be the man I want to be. I'm trying to contain my frustration and disappointment but I'm not going to lie I was so ashamed of myself and had some tears escape as I realized I just keep going back to the same habit that held me back for so long. I'm so damn scared that I'm never going to be the man I want to be. It absolutely terrifies me that I  am at this point in my life. I just want to be normal like everyone else so bad. I know you guys are here for me and I need to be so much more active on this site. I'm just falling into this victim mentality and I know what I need to do to heal myself. Thats what makes it so difficult, I know exactly what I need to do and it kills me that I can't control myself. Well this is it, I promis you I'm going to make a month no matter. I know people have probably said this multiple times. But I I am going to do this. I'm tired of feeling this shitty. I PMO'd and it didn't even feel satisfying, so hell wiith it. I need to stop relying on outside sources and need to realize that the true motivation comes from within.

crazygdude

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #73 on: December 15, 2015, 07:36:06 PM »
Day 57,
Well I'm going to admit I had really came crashing down, after my first relapse it just kept spiraling down and I had a problem with just MO and then PMO, I thought I could just MO without PMO but it just kicked in the cravings. I've been having a hard time trying to refrain. I almost felt like throwing in the towel. I felt like absolute trash lately and everything suffered, I didn't read, meditate and ate crap and it was just an extremely rough. But I'm 2 day without PMO and back on my routine. I realized that there is a certain beauty in the struggle. As much as I would love to be healed and not have this problem, I can appreciate that it gives me something to work towards and an opportunity to learn a lot about myself. I believe I'm going to change, as I already know, it's not going to be easy but I know it will be worth. I'm going to try my best and not give in.

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Re: Time to get a bit more serious
« Reply #74 on: December 16, 2015, 03:16:05 PM »
Day 58,
Well I rest my counter, I didn't relapse, but I did MO. I know that doesn't automatically trigger a rest, but I just don't want any asterisk by mys streak in my own mind. I know that I am capable of beating this habit, I am just keep justifying each MO and PMO in my own mind. I am starting to realize that after this whole process I am surely going to appreciate my own healthy sex life. So last night I had this burning desire to MO and I resisted 3-5 times. It was about 12 in the morning and I was tired, and I kept on trying. I just wanted to go to sleep and I rationalized that it's not so bad to MO if it's just to help me sleep. But I realize how faulty that logic is and I know that if I MO it always kicks in cravings. I' sure everyone knows the feelings when you MO or PMO. I am sick of the feeling, and when I was resisting MO I remembered the feeling of all that sexual energy that fills you. I realized that I really need to find an outlet for it and realize it is life energy that will give me my zest for life. I am on a temporary leave of work just due to shortage of work and have a ton of free time. I'm trying to find productive hobbies and such to keep me busy, also I want to go on a road trip or something while I have the time and resources. But I feel this resistance to just do what is safe and comfortable. When I was on my 34 day streak I was feeling that resistance slowly going away. I'm prepared to fight again for that feeling, and I keep thinking to myself every time I relapse and everything I am just giving in to the fear of being alone forever and keeping myself from my full potential. As always good luck to everyone on their journey, I wish you all the best.