Author Topic: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P  (Read 15024 times)

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #25 on: November 18, 2015, 01:59:18 AM »
Rather than feeling bad, don't do it again tomorrow. Commit to it. And be nice to yourself. Seriously, it's all we can do. I realize beating myself up when I fuck up is actually useless and a waste of energy.

3 full days after I jerked off a few times and felt bad about it for a minute, I am totally back on track and as committed to this as ever. Working out a ton and it feels great. Turning sexual energy I'm containing into a fit body, instead of wasting it. I have been focused on my work. Smoking weed, but really, there's a whole lot of good going on in my world.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #26 on: November 20, 2015, 02:23:52 AM »
I've gone almost another full week since my MO relapse 5 days ago.

Feeling strong. Healing my sex life.

Phase2

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #27 on: November 20, 2015, 10:59:01 AM »
Keep going kk, you are fighting a worthwhile fight.

Get through those first six weeks and the habit quickly starts to fade away. And yes Grindr is bad news. I had a Scruff problem and it set me back. It's seeking and searching and messes with your head and next thing you know PIED is back. I dumped it a couple months ago. But like you, now I don't really know how to meet guys without the apps (isn't is pathetic, I mean, we met people BEFORE apps existed, right??).

Anyhow, I posted a 90 day success story. You might want to read another gay man's story and pick up some tips. Cheers! http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=4018.0



BailHopper

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #28 on: November 20, 2015, 11:28:10 AM »
Get through those first six weeks and the habit quickly starts to fade away. And yes Grindr is bad news. I had a Scruff problem and it set me back. It's seeking and searching and messes with your head and next thing you know PIED is back. I dumped it a couple months ago. But like you, now I don't really know how to meet guys without the apps (isn't is pathetic, I mean, we met people BEFORE apps existed, right??).

Just wanted to post that I can relate, because I have the same kind of problem with Tinder! I actually meet new people through the app. Don't know how I used to do it, because the virtual reality of meeting people has always been kind of my deal.
Join me on rTribe, my user handle is bail
I have a blog about quitting porn, with tips on how to quit and rebuild yourself as well. Visit me here: Blog about beating porn addiction

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #29 on: November 24, 2015, 12:31:07 AM »
Thanks for the conversation and the encouragement. It's really nice to read.

Yes, the app thing is real. But honestly, it's possible to meet people in life. It requires a little more bravery, which we're all capable of. The apps do help, and truthfully, there are other dating sites that are not hyper sexual. The ones where you get a spectrum of different pictures are definitely bad news and it's nice to not be on them.

I've mo'ed a little twice but have not orgasmed. Still not good. Playing around. I'm feeling really really energetic and strong. I've ejaculated twice (on the same day), in the past 23 days, which is a long time for me. I'm working out more. Feeling horny, and also having wonders about how long this will take. I met someone I like and we've kissed a few times, which is great considering this reboot, but I can feel it building. We made out for a brief moment and I think I got hard without even noticing. I'm thinking another few weeks and sex is a possibility and want to be ready to perform (as does everyone on here haha) and love it.  I'm still commited to this reboot long term and won't let anyone else detract that if it's going to. If' they're right, they're help heal.

Keep on keepin on, and thanks for reading and writing.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #30 on: November 25, 2015, 10:28:20 AM »
Phase 2 Thanks for posting the link to your story. it's really helpful and motivating. Your cue to do as much research as possible has been key. I have been diving in and watching your brain on porn and reading and educating myself. There's a whole lot!

I can relate and turning sexual energy into some serious fitness. I'm in the best shape of my life right now and it feels awesome.

Meditation has gone from periodic to everyday and I must say, this is the game changer for me. I have no doubt it's changing my life for the better.

Feeling incredible amounts of gratitude this morning for the information and the fact that I'm healing and only 28. I had such fear I was going to be stuck in this cycle forever. And now I know I'm not. Which is such a blessing. I hope as many guys who are struggling with this and have no idea what the cause of their problems are find this information and the strength to rewire their brains, sex lives, and enjoy them.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #31 on: November 30, 2015, 12:18:35 AM »
Alright, so it's been a few days and lots happened.

I had a cozy post-Thanksgiving day, walking around and sitting in a coffee shop bookstore with my friend I picked up a book in the autobiography section by a former male escort and gay porn star.

I got hard just reading it. Literally 30 minutes later I got a text from a dude I've hooked up with before and shortly after ruined my celibate month. Here's the thing though. I was hard as a rock without any viagra. But it was purely sex with no intimacy.

The next day, hanging with the dude I was dating, I wasn't getting hard while we were making out and still told him no sex yet...Noticing the disconnect.

Anyhow. I'm confused, chaotic and feeling strong at the same time. One thing has become clear. No porn is staying. It's been nearly 3 months of no porn. November has been largely successful. Looking forward to more progress in December.

Phase2

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #32 on: November 30, 2015, 09:37:53 AM »
This is a confusing process for sure. I have no answers, other than to keep going forward and see how things shake out. But here are some comments:

First, congrats on your no-viagra boner. That sounds like a great step forward.

Second, it's pretty common to have a flatline after an orgasm, or a 'down period' of a few days where your horniness goes away. This may be your case. You went back at it the next day with the guy you were dating and just weren't feeling it. This may just be post-orgasm doldrums.

Lastly, is it possible you just aren't that sexually attracted by the guy you are dating? This happens to me a lot: I date guys that are handsome, smart, funny, etc so I think there should be a sexual attraction. But it doesn't always work that way. The more I think about it, there are relatively few dudes that really get me going. We aren't porn gods with 24/7 boners ready to screw around with every other dude walking around. Watching porn makes us think that's how we should be, but we aren't. Focus on quality not quantity.

In my experience, there is a bit more thrill in a hook up, so that can add extra dopamine to a situation. Of course, I'm not here to stop hooking up, or dating, so I want it to work in both cases as I'm sure you do too.

Keep us posted as to your progress. Keep going buddy. You are well on your way!



kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #33 on: December 08, 2015, 01:18:43 AM »
Thanks for this advice....

Really really helpful. And helpful to get back on here....

Few thoughts. Have been intimate with the guy I've been dating, but not great erections. Pretty good ones, but nothing too hard. And I am into it. I'm growing more sexually attracted to this guy and was really into the sex. I had a "sorry my dick isn't super hard" moment and he had a "don't worry about it at all" response. Feels way to early to get into this talk, but it's a bit tricky because we're starting to have sex now, I feel some potential here (although I'm not 100% sure), and I'm also worried this can interfere with my serious focus on my reboot myself and bringing a new partner into the situation can complicate things. Also feeling a little discouraged and less confident than I did in each passing week of the reboot because I've now had some unsuccessful erection tries by my standard. Staying optimistic that this is working and I make the right choices to continue to heal in a long lasting way and love my sex life confidently.

Especially since, I've not yet recovered and cant seem to get hard without viagra.

I think your points about a hookup scenario giving more dopamine and being more "porn like" are true so the after effects may have lowered interest in the other dude. But also the fact that yeah maybe I'm not always secually into handsome people, there's always another factor.

Is it silly to start having sex in the middle of a reboot? Thanks so much for the encouragement. I am healing and on my way, if someone else is coming on the ride, then they're worth it, otherwise I'm totally cool to let it go because I'm excited about the changes I'm making in myself.

Will86

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #34 on: December 08, 2015, 08:33:36 AM »
Hey kk99 congratulations...you seem to be in control.

About your question of having sex while rebooting...I can say that for me it is a mistake...having sex got me hornier and sometimes, after having sex with the guy i am dating, I watch porn and masturbate because i feel i need a strong orgasm...my orgasms with him are weaker....

I dont know...it is confusing...I think we need a time away from sex....as if we were back into chilhood to start again. Good luck!

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #35 on: December 09, 2015, 11:20:26 AM »
Thanks for reading and the support.

You're right. It's a tough situation because I've been dating someone I like, see potential with, and now to be like "hey here's all of this information I have to tell you and we can't have sex for awhile" scares me and seems like it could ruin progress.

Truthfully, if this person's the right one, they'll be down to support me through my shit. Just seems early to bring such intensity and a 'unique' situation to the table, especially for fear of rejection, if they're not right for me anyhow, etc. Whatever, I've gotten myself here and I'm brave. And my desire for a happy sex life long term is my main motivation.

Will keep writing. Let's see how this unfolds!

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #36 on: December 13, 2015, 10:50:41 AM »
This week has been hell-ish internally.

I failed to 'perform' again and had a chat with my dude. I left out some details (which made me feel worse and dishonest). But he's pretty awesome and said things like "do what's best for you, don't worry about me. let me know if i can help. i think you're really sexy and beautiful. I'm down to abstain from having sex for awhile if you think it'll help you. etc"

Still, I came home and felt so depressed, ashamed, and scared I'm going to be stuck in this forever. It's hard because I'm not where I want to be yet sexually. And the timing of this relationship is interesting.

I don't know what to do. I see my choices as. 1. keep sleeping with him, trying to have sex. downside is failed attempts are fucking me up internally, emotionally. 2. break up with him and go back to focusing on my healing. 3. bring him along for the ride if he's down. perhaps no sex for a bit. (scariest option, but if he's the right person for me, i can learn a lot).

My fear and challenge and I've had this before and don't want to repeat is that once this is brought to light, the power dynamics of the relationship change. I feel "less than" because I can't get my dick as hard and this issue being so disclosed to another person makes me feel ashamed, like I bring a heaviness, less confident etc. Basically it changes dating from playful and light to heavy and intense. Fuck, this is hard and bringing up a lot of darkness for me. I felt like I was doing so good. And feel like there's seeds of falling in love. And now I'm confused, discouraged, and feeling low about this stuff.


Tomte

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #37 on: December 13, 2015, 11:00:36 AM »
From what you wrote he sounds like a really good guy, I think option no.3 might be worth a shot. Try to talk openly about it, see how he reacts, and if he's down take a break from sex, but continue with the intimacy and see what happens.

Phase2

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #38 on: December 21, 2015, 02:42:03 PM »
Go for option no. 3. However, say 'I'm taking a month off of sex." So, lets hang out, have a lot of fun, really get to know each other but my pants aren't coming off until Feb 1. Sounds like he is cool and he'll be ok with that. You are in control and you need to do whats right for YOU.

I think a problem is you are trying before you are ready, and it's fucking with your head. The emotion of feeling failure sucks and it worsens your situation by adding to your anxiety. Wait, wait, wait, until you've put some time in. It will be better for both of you in the long run. Be smart about this.



juan.

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #39 on: December 24, 2015, 08:11:48 AM »
Go for option 3 definitely. If he's worth it, he'll stick around and help you along the way. And he does seems like he's worth it by what you've told so far.

I've had PIED for a while now (although I've only joined this place and started rebooting a few days ago), and all the guys I've slept with have been all 'Don't worry about it' at the time regarding my ED. I think most guys, and certainly all those who are worth it, can understand the situation and be supportive. So be confident, don't fear rejection and never, ever, feel less than other guys or ashamed.
You're worth it to stick around and wait till you're ready.

Also, regarding social networking apps, I don't feel that bad about it, I'm not currently a user, last one I used / my preferred one, is Tinder. I'd rather use Tinder, Grindr, Scruff... than date in a club late at night. But for sure, if you're rebooting you should stay away from them. They are a porn subs to most guys.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2015, 08:26:10 AM by juan. »

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #40 on: December 27, 2015, 10:02:10 PM »
Hey there. Thanks for the support.

Option 3 is the go and so far it's going well. The advice on never feel less than because of this is particularly good and relevant.

Feeling a mix of things. Have had more successful sex both with and without some viagra. But also having regular sex has made me hornier and I've started jerking off again more than before and strangely feel drawn toward porn more than in months (I still have no looked at it).

I feel more secure in the connection I currently have than I have in a long time. That said, it's important to remember how important this healing is and not to take it lightly as I get more comfortable. I want this reboot to result in a healthy, functioning sex life for the rest of my life whether it's with my current sexual partner or others.


kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #41 on: December 29, 2015, 09:53:04 PM »
Okay, definitely needing, wanting, and committing to recommitting to this thread and writing to assist my sexual health healing journey because I have certainly gotten sidetracked and feel like I'm at an important crossroads.

I still have not watched porn since September 11th (getting close to 4 months!).
I've been having sex with a new partner who is aware of the situation (but very minimally), and has made it clear is interested for more than just sex and happy to be part of helping me recover. There's been ease and definite imporovement, but without viagra I have not gotten erect enough for penetration. There's definite more life than before when I was watching porn regularly, but I think viagra will help for now.

That said, out of the blue in the last few weeks I've been feeling serious urges for porn and even jerked off with a dude at the gym in the steam room (shameful to admit), tried to download grindr on my phone, have masturbated for the past week, and have looked at permiscious photos online (but not quite porn). Basically, I am creeping closer to a relapse, and putting my mind inf antasy mode, while becoming more intimate with a person who does not know the severity of this struggle in my past (where it is staying), and worried if I don't stop right now with this risky behavior, it will affect loving my sex life negatively.

That's where writing this down makes it so much clearer. So after I submit this, I commit to zero masturbation for the next 30 days (at least). Why? Because I love having sex with my new lover and want to continue to confidently, allow it to improve, and have ease and ecstasy in the bedroom instead of fear and shame. Wish me luck.

broutlook

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #42 on: December 30, 2015, 09:57:32 AM »
Try watch this, I think it would benefit you, it's about how when you think you're done or you can't keep going, you actually can.

https://youtu.be/9I_u4oZqF8c

It certainly has helped me, not just with this, but in everyday life.

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #43 on: January 03, 2016, 10:55:05 PM »
Thanks for this. It is really helpful.

Feeling better about things and have some more interesting insights on this wild ride...

I got some viagra and was able to have sex after some failed attempts that made me feel disappointed and down on this process. With viagra, I am able to experience intercourse without needing fantasy, am relaxed, confident, and still think this can help heal into a normal sex life without these drugs and bridge the gap in the meantime. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I had sex without viagra and am unable to get hard enough for interourse and it sets me back emotionally. I don't want to totally obstain, although my partner says he would not mind if we needed to for me to recover and feel good. Is using viagra to have sex, while staying away from porn and masturbation, a way to heal?

I am really lucky I am with someone who is reassuring, patient, and not burdened when I've had to bring this up, and be honest about this process and how I'm feeling, although I have relayed all the info, how long it's been going on, etc. Still, things are going in the right direction.




kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #44 on: February 02, 2016, 12:03:20 AM »
Back on this thread after kind of falling off the wagon.

Part of my process is not just porn, but likely a sex addiction and a mostly anonymous/hook-up oriented sex addiction where my ED is not as big a deal and I am more turned on by porn like sexual encoutners (which are way easy to come by in the gay world).

Before meeting my current partner, I was committed to this journey. And fear perhaps I met him a bit too soon before I was ready. Truth be told, he's a gem, willing to be patient with me. But I still have not told him everything, like...how long it's been going on, why it's happening fully, and that viagra is the only way I've been able to have sex for the past little bit.

I just went overseas for three weeks and kind of relapsed. Slept with random dudes and gay saunas, where gay dudes go to fuck, and people from grindr. We have not been exclusive yet, but this was a big step back. Now I realize more than ever this relationship is exactly what I want. I have to be brave to heal with another person and fully open up.

I guess I'm wondering if there is a way to reboot, and get back to having healthy erections without viagra and fantasys in my head, while still trying to have a sexual relatiosnhip. Before this trip, I was doing great, but fuck this is so hard. I know I'm going to overcome it, but there's been many ups and downs. and it's a wild ride.

Phase2

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #45 on: February 02, 2016, 07:31:55 PM »
Hey KK. Have you seen the book 'Cruise Control'? I'm reading it now. Some guys have mentioned it on here and I got a copy on amazon. You may want to give it a read because it sounds like you have identified yourself as having some of these sexual addiction problems that are dealt with in the book.

Anyway, I'm following your posts, hoping to see some great reports. I'm wishing you the best.

BTW, if I were you I would stop all masturbating. Save it all for your partner. Obviously this isn't easy for you, but it seems to me that if you try a halfway approach, you (we) very easily fall down the slippery slope. Go big or go home as they say. Stop all the small cheats. Stay focused. Keep posting man. I'm rooting for you.



kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #46 on: February 04, 2016, 01:24:08 AM »
Thank you for the referral of this book. I am going to order it now, it seems to be speaking exactly to my situation (minus the ED as a result!).

I really appreciate the support and you taking the time to read and the energy of support. I really think the outcomes are going to be great. I am scared to tell my partner everything and at the same time elated that someone I can heal with.

My biggest question now is whether to keep having sex with Viagra. Or stop sex altogether for awhile while I reboot. Both have their pros and cons. I am brave and worthy of love and belonging and can make my partners life better with many parts of myself other than my dick so it's important to remember that the ideal partner is not just about sex. It's hard because in gay culture, it sometimes seems that way.

I'll keep posting now that I'm home. And in a place where I can no longer run from this. Keep sending me good thoughts, the support is felt.

pearland71

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #47 on: February 04, 2016, 09:51:17 AM »
Just feeling horny is a pretty damn good sign! You just can't PMO/Fap. You're obliviously committed by the volume of your posts/updates but if you're not committed to fully reboot you'll be posting on here for years to come......Good Luck Brother

kk99

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #48 on: February 14, 2016, 09:22:24 PM »
Writing again. It's been a week or so. I've still been using the ED pills from time to time with my partner because, well I want to have sex and connect on that level. The good news is, I am having raging hard erections with them, whereas before, even that was not working. I am also waking up with erections.

I'm still scared to try having sex without the medication. I know it's a cop out, but failing to perform sets me back so much emotionally (even if it doesn't make sense, and my partner does not care, which he doesn't).

It's a wild ride. I'm feeling very committed to not watching porn. I am also 2 full weeks without marijuana. After an overseas trip with lots of spliffs with old friends, I needed a break and decided to take a month off to see how life is without it. Fuck it's challenging. It's been an emotional rollercoaster these past two weeks, but luckily my partner is doing it with me, so it's making it easier. Life has been throwing me curveballs and my old releases (porn, random hookups, and weed) are all no longer options. I'm proud of myself for being strong about all of this. This week exercise is high on the priority list, as it's what keeps me sane and high naturally.

Will keep you all posted, best of luck.

Phase2

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Re: Beginning NO MO again, after 1 month no P
« Reply #49 on: February 17, 2016, 11:34:44 AM »
Hey KK. That's good news about your hard ons. That is important to start building your confidence back up.

I'm in the same boat about the ED pills. What I've done is attempted to cut down slowly. I did have two different weekends in the past 6 months with guys I was dating where I took my normal half dose (10mg Cialis). But in general, I've been cutting my pill intake down and now take only about 1.75 mg. I THINK I may be ready to go without (I have identified, finally, that a real, sustainable connection and attraction needs to be there, duh!). But like you, I'm nervous about the setback of it not working. Nervous=anxiety=boner killer. My favorite fuck buddy called yesterday and I started to get boned up thinking about him coming over and I thought, 'Ok, this is the time I don't take it.' Then at the last minute I took my 1.75 dose just cuz, like you, I'm worried about a 'failure'. Then we got our communication lines crossed and he couldn't come. So I took the pill for nothing. Argh!!!!!!

I think if you talk with your partner and tell them you are trying it with no dick pills and see what happens, it will be more like an 'experiment' rather than a failure or success. Anyway, that's something I'm considering.

Glad you ordered a copy of Cruise Control. I know you will find much of it relatable. He even addresses the typical 'gay culture' excuse we all use to explain away our acting out. It's an excuse too many of us use which in turn makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's good to be reminded there are LOTS of gay men who don't act like sex addicts. We all need to be reminded of it. We are not lemmings. We are individuals and should insist on living our lives according to our own plan and what works for US.

Cheers, guys.