Author Topic: Fighting for a better life!  (Read 5119 times)

cr4wZ80

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Fighting for a better life!
« on: October 16, 2015, 07:19:57 PM »
Howdy, this is my first day journal report!  :)
I started my reboot three days ago, and it's not my first attempt!

I already tried to reboot many times, even before knowing what a reboot is. I started this new reboot 'cause I want to get rid of PMO and bring health and joy to my life and to intimate life and moments with my g/f (even because I asked her to marry me, she accepted, and we're going on marriage probably about june of next year!).

PMO brought an earthquake in my psyche during the teenage and the following years, unfortunately it mixed with a big amount of hatred towards females and my mothers I have in me yet (in a small amount by now), for many unsolved problems. It has been like a TNT mixture bringing me to higher and higher level stimuli I needed to feel something. I started to watch very extrems P genres, and they went more and more extreme during time, until I found myself watching something I could call "necro-porn": the bottom of my personal pit....

With this kind of material I could see one of my greatest fantasy "realized": the total control over a fantasy dead woman and her naked body, entirely at my disposal, in order to avoid feeling my weakness in front of a real one. Fortunately I'm not a complete psycho  ::) and I never ever tried to hurt a real woman 'cause I'm enough healthy to understand the difference between reality and fantasy!

I've been for a lot of time on the edge, with the doubt: I do it....I don't do it......I go all the way trought and realize my fantasy in the real world.....I don't do it......I was very afraid I could kill someone. Could you imagine such an infighting? It's been excruciating.

Many years ago, in a real dangerous moment for my life, I asked for help and I'm in analysis with a very good psychoterapist since about ten years, It's even his merit for me being alive now....his and mine. After years of hard work on myself I finally discovered that my hamlet doubts about committing homicide were only....a way to feel something and feel adrenaline rush.....because simple fantasies weren't enough at last!
In the deepest period I started to think at women like they were cattle, to kill and have sex with, meat pieces....a real hell to me.....
After many years efforts to find a solution and the peace inside of me, I totally transformed this bad situation, but PMO remained as a bad habit. Now it's like an empty, meaningless gesture, but I used to watch P many times in the last months, sometimes even the necro type...
What is bad is that my uncalibrated brain is still there, and I always need high level stimuli.

In the struggle to get totally rid of this crap, I decided to try another time, I want to live a happy life and feel the calm in me.
I started three days ago, but the first day I had a relapse, so it' like it's two days. I will do everything possible to clean me, I'm so tired....

I won't be satisfied until I won't be able to keep myself clean, at least for 365 days! But my goal is the cleaning for life!

Edit: I was about to forget it....I'm going to request my counter now!  :D
« Last Edit: October 16, 2015, 07:21:47 PM by cr4wZ80 »
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2015, 06:46:28 PM »
Today it's been quite a calm day, sometimes my brain nag me with craving for P, but I don't mind it. Only for a moment I accidentally saw a "objectified" girl photo on a underwear store showcase and it disturbed me a little bit. It was a Miley Cirus photo, very provocative, that little **@#!, I hate her and her way to propose herself, sometimes she behave and dress like a sidewalk pro. I felt like  anger rise up and make my blood boil for a moment. These kind of unrequested forced stimuli are like a violence to me....

This little perturbation is ended after a while....I was having a relaxing walk with my girlfriend and it helped to calm me down.

This days has closed for me, making love with my g/f, it was very good, like we never did love before, it was like something new, like she was a new person, and me too! I flatlined about all the times during these first days but, I admit, it's been a little bit better under there during out intercourse! I could keep it up better than times when I was having PMO!

I'll go on this way!  ;) :D
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2015, 05:15:43 PM »
Fifth day totally P-free, I'm quite calm, maybe it's because I keep myself busy, and I spend my free time with my g/f, and it's a good time.

I noticed a strange effect arised since when I started the reboot. It happened I looked at some photos on facebook, regarding one or two woman I know, who requested me friendship. Nothing sexual, nothing provocative, but suddenly I felt like a warm coming up from my legs to my chest, and the anxiety growing up. It was like I was scared about a relapse, and I closed everything suddenly.....

This wasn't a relapse, I know well the relapse sensation on my mind and my body, and gone to this point I'm ready to be enough honest to me. It happened I accidentally see a girl wearing bikini, that was together with the profile's owner girl. The bikini one was not on a provocative pose, but looking at a little bit of nude skin was enough to me to feel anxious, and I closed everything in a hurry.

I don't consider it a relapse, mainly because I was in alert state all the time to check myself for a binge, but I felt this anxiety.

A question to the long time rebooters, do you think it's normal? I mean, to be afraid about relapse?

Thanks guys
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2015, 04:28:42 PM »
Day number six: nothing important, it’s been an easy day. Thinking about my feeling and sensations during brain nags about P, I could observate them keeping a safe distance, and I noticed the process that lead me (my brain?) to search for P. Very often it’s boredom-driven, I mean, am I bored? My brain try to lead me to fill that empty space with some kind of stimuli, in this case, PMO.
I discovered the trick! Will I be enough strong to face awkward cravings periods?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2015, 06:14:37 PM »
Day seven: It’s one week since I PMO’ed last time. Cravings and abstinence symptoms begin to grow up. I can clearly feel that my brain is trying to fill my emotional voids with P and it craves for it nagging me all the day. I’m thinking about what healthy habit I can push in my life to substitute P in my brain with good emotions. Life seems empty and gray ‘cause of PMO.
I won’t give up, I can do it, I feel the right motivation, but I feel alone in this battle, and I’m scared…
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


FallenAngel88

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #5 on: October 20, 2015, 06:38:54 PM »
Day seven: It’s one week since I PMO’ed last time. Cravings and abstinence symptoms begin to grow up. I can clearly feel that my brain is trying to fill my emotional voids with P and it craves for it nagging me all the day. I’m thinking about what healthy habit I can push in my life to substitute P in my brain with good emotions. Life seems empty and gray ‘cause of PMO.
I won’t give up, I can do it, I feel the right motivation, but I feel alone in this battle, and I’m scared…

You are not alone, pal. We're all fighting the same battle. I'm at day 3 and I have abstinence symptoms like you, but I try to distract my mind and fill my time with constructive and helpful activities: working, reading, training in gym, going out with friends, having a walk alone, watching a movie (not P, lol!  :D  ;) ) and so on. Don't be scared, you're a brave and strong man, otherwise you would not fight for a better life.  ;)

cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #6 on: October 20, 2015, 06:57:30 PM »
Thanks Fallen, I could bet on it, no one in here is alone  :)

Anyway, sometimes loneliness is useful, it brings you to take your responsibilities, entirely  ::)
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2015, 04:31:20 PM »
At last I did it…
It was nothing really bad, I did neither O or M, but I intentionally watched a girl wearing bikini on facebook, and the image get me aroused driving me in a difficult situation. This is P subs and I choosed not to do it, this goal is set on my counter too, so I can’t behave like nothing happened, I have to be sever with myself. These kind of situation is the anteroom for more serious relapses.
I consider it like a relapse, and I’m going to reset the counter.
The situation driving me in this little trouble was caused by Facebook showing me some girls I could have known, and among these girls was one living in my city, friend of one of my friends. She’s young but already very sexy, I clicked on it like an automated gesture.
“It mustn’t happen another time!” I decided, so I took measures: I discovered this Chrome plugin - www.fbpurity.com – It allows to fully customize the FB site shown on the Chrome browser; in my case it’s very useful, ‘cause I can hide every kind of tempting images.

So let’s start again from 1…2….3….
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


CrazyGopher

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2015, 06:46:09 PM »
Hi cr4wZ80,

Getting facebook under control is a great step, good for you! ;D And you have a good spirit, to continue on without letting this get you down. :)

To anyone else who may be reading this, consider to follow cr4wZ80's example! You do not want to be one of the many, many guys whose next PMO relapse will begin with a P sub on facebook...
« Last Edit: October 22, 2015, 09:41:27 AM by CrazyGopher »

cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2015, 12:12:31 AM »
heheheh Gopher....absolutely not! I DO NOT wanna be so.... :P
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


FallenAngel88

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2015, 06:51:20 AM »
You are really severe with yourself cr4wZ80, I admire you for this. Taking Facebook under strict control is totally not easy for me...just a question, what do you guys mean with "P sub"? I grasped it's a sort of lesser porn, but I'd like to have a clearer concept of that...sorry if I go a little off topic.

cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #11 on: October 22, 2015, 08:59:07 AM »
Yeah Fallen, I'm severe, I don't know any other way to achieve this goal! Thanks for the admiration, that's not my goal lol :P "sub" stands for "substitute", any other, even non-nude girl, worst if in a sexy and provocative pose, and, well....I don't have the reboot bible in my hand, anyway I think, It's anything that could embarass you, making yourself test your force and will-power. It's not OT, that's precise what this community talk about....

P sub is not in this vocabulary as a term, but you can read this: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=21.0
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #12 on: October 24, 2015, 06:19:55 PM »
Day 3
Today it’s been easier not to PMO, it’s time to pick olives from trees, and I have twenty olive. I’m a software developer, but I will be “the little farmer” for some days…this activity relax me a lot and help me not to think at PMO!

Yesterday it's been harder. Although I reset my PMO counter, it’s at least 10 days I do not PMO. Cravings and abstinence symptoms are rising up harder on these days. All my body ask for more stimulation, I feel like I amputee one of my arms. All kind of perverse fantasies cross my mind, driving me mad. I want to feel and reach my deep wound coming from the past, to heal it and find peace.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


TheNewMe

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #13 on: October 26, 2015, 11:20:46 AM »
Hi!

Keep fighting brother! Do you have any activities or hobbies to focus on when those fantasies enter your mind? Personally, I often play video games because it helps me concentrate on something specific, a specific task, and it's entertaining.

cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #14 on: October 26, 2015, 11:43:42 AM »
Hi NewMe!
Well.....some time ago I was used to go dancing salsa with my girlfriend and other girls, but I wasn't in need to PMO, as dancing is the best "against-addiction" in the world to me...and you can experience REAL girls intercourses too :)

Well, nowadays I use to concentrate on work, or I go walking on seafront street, it calms me down....

And, believe me, ten years in a psychotherapy journey helps, it helps a lot! Now the fight is easier ;)

It's best for me to avoid videogames too as I experienced videogames and internet addiction too.
Those are wars I won, but I can't lower my guard the same.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


TheNewMe

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #15 on: October 27, 2015, 01:42:05 PM »
Hi NewMe!
Well.....some time ago I was used to go dancing salsa with my girlfriend and other girls, but I wasn't in need to PMO, as dancing is the best "against-addiction" in the world to me...and you can experience REAL girls intercourses too :)

Well, nowadays I use to concentrate on work, or I go walking on seafront street, it calms me down....

And, believe me, ten years in a psychotherapy journey helps, it helps a lot! Now the fight is easier ;)

It's best for me to avoid videogames too as I experienced videogames and internet addiction too.
Those are wars I won, but I can't lower my guard the same.

Yeah, video games can be tricky as well. I know I've had some issues with playing too much in the past so I have to be careful. Like you, I prefer a nice long walk but I don't always have the chance. I can't dance so that's not gonna work for me :D

About your psychotherapy; are you seeing a psychologist? Are you in a group or is it more self-help? If you're talking to someone, do they know about your addiction and if so, what do he/she think of it? I'm very interested in knowing what a professional thinks of all this..

cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #16 on: October 28, 2015, 09:53:28 AM »
I'm in a psychotherapy work since 2006, I started the group psychotherapy in 2007 and I ended it in 2014. I did several other accessories activities proposed by the institute where I asked for help, they helped me a lot, and ended it too in 2014. Actually I'm in a personal psychotherapy work with my therapist, and it help me to keep the right path and not to loose what I gained with this hard work lasted for years. This work allowed me to gather a lot of emotional, existential and cultural materials I consider gems, and it's so much I think I will have to work on 'em for the rest of my life :)

You asked me about my group mates, well, there's a rule in psychotherapy I consider like law, because it's very right and important to me: what happen and what's told during psychotherapy remain there. So, I'm sorry, but I won't tell you particulars about "if other persons knew about my addiction and what they thought".

There's a few important rules in dynamic psychotherapy: no sex or violence during the setting (that is, simplifying: the moments and place, the therapist consulting room, in which the therapy take place), and a clear separation between real life and setting moments, as like as there's a clear separation between real life and dreams (they're unreal as a mind, as a unconscious product, indeed).

If any doubt, read Sigmund Freud and Carl Gustav Jung works, among others, lol :)
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #17 on: November 02, 2015, 03:10:02 AM »
I’ve been very busy during the last days, it’s a very busy moment for me. I’m working on many goals, like the wedding with my g/f, our happy life together, the development of a good career and so on. Last week has been so intensive I didn’t either keep a moment for me to come here and write…
Obviously I didn’t PMO and my brain nagged me as like as it did the previous day. I’m experiencing a strange bunch of effects. I don’t feel the desider to PMO for real, but I don’t feel the desire to be with people or talk them too! I feel a little bit depressed, and feel myself old and ugly….maybe I should stop “crying” like a baby, go out there and run, make sport, take care of myself…
Feel angry and asocial…
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


TheNewMe

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #18 on: November 02, 2015, 06:56:01 PM »
Staying busy is a great way to recover. Focus on living your life and not let porn steal another moment. Stay strong brother!

cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2015, 04:30:04 AM »
Day 14 - yesterday was a hard one, even if I don't watch P it nags my brain with toughts....
I could barely resist not to M and O, and sex life with my partner is not so easy...
Damn, what could make one lives a good intimate life with his mate, is his drug....what a curse.

I'm trying to force me to let myself one or two hours a day to meditate and feel myself, emotion, and the deep causes of this mess, but I find any kind of excuse not to do it. Damn, 35 yrs old and I behave like a kid.

Talking and giving advice to other persons is different than trying to do it for yourself.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


TheNewMe

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2015, 07:47:48 PM »
Hi brother!

Two weeks is great and it's awesome that you're able to resist. I know it's not easy sometimes (read my entry from yesterday!) but you'll be glad you resisted when it calms down. And you already know how crappy a relapse feels.

About your partner; does she know about your addiction? Do you talk about it?

Also, the meditation; I can never get myself to do meditation for even half an hour so what I do is force myself to just do 5 minutes. I know I can do 5 minutes, it's easy. So I do 5 minutes and since I'm then doing it and I'm not paying attention to any clocks, it usually end up being longer than 5 minutes. But don't get too hung up on 1 or 2 hours. That can be really difficult to get yourself to do that long to begin with. Start small, complete the goal, feel good about that and then increase the length. That's my advice anyway :)

You're doing great! Keep going!

cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #21 on: November 11, 2015, 01:11:16 PM »
At final I relapsed.....the hardest relapse ever experienced, it's about six days I occasionally PMO..... :(
Today, after a hard fight gone too far, I decided to renounce PMO ANOTHER TIME.....

The main feeling about myself: I failed 'cause I couldn't stand for the emptyness and depression caused by abstinence. And the excuse taken to go and relapse another time, are silly, like always.

Going to put the maximum level security on my devices.

Today is a new day zero, tomorrow it will be one, so let's start it back....

Again.....1....2....3.....
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


TheNewMe

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #22 on: November 12, 2015, 06:48:02 PM »
Sorry to hear about your relapse but remember that you have made progress. It's not wasted!

What are you doing with your life at the moment? Do you have goals that you want to achieve? What do you dream about becoming or doing in the future? Do you have a life vision that you can work on and focus on every day? Emptiness and depression is certainly part of the recovery–been there, done that and I'm still not done with it–and that's why it becomes so much more important to have something to work on in your life, projects, goals that you want to achieve.

Anyway, hope you're doing better brother. This was the last relapse ever right? :)

cr4wZ80

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #23 on: November 16, 2015, 09:40:46 AM »
ehehehe NewMe, I stopped to say: "This was the last...." :P

Well, I've plenty of projects and goals, I'm starting from the first on these days: to regain a decent professional career like software developer.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


TheNewMe

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Re: Fighting for a better life!
« Reply #24 on: January 04, 2016, 11:45:58 AM »
How are you doing buddy? I've been away for a while but I'll try to be on here more often now that christmas is over. Hope to hear more from you and your recovery!