Author Topic: Back on track  (Read 6218 times)

firstofall22

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Back on track
« on: October 13, 2015, 11:21:49 AM »
Hello rebooters out there,

my name is Bernie, some of you might know me, I was posting here like 4 moths ago when I first startet rebooting after 10 years of porn addiction. Well, as you probably can imagine, it didn't last very long, 40 days roughly until I got back to masturbating, and about 60 days until I got back to hardcore femdom and findom porn. I was very disappointed of myself but I also didn't really care about it. Since then I masturbated once a day, keeping my level, keeping my brain satisfacted. I stopped studying after 2 semesters because I couldn't concentrate on learning. Now I am looking for a workplace, and it's very hard to keep up motivation to apply for jobs. I am feeling like I am nearly dead, no motivation, no drive, no light, no colour...
Call it like you want, I think it's very depressing. I don't think that it's the situation of having no work what is keeping me sad and unmotivated, I really think it's porn.

Yesterday I've put the day counter on my phone to zero. Let's see what happens this time, I think that I'm more experienced now and maybe I can achieve my goal of a porn-free life. I am thinking of getting professional help since it's possible here in Austria to charge health insurance for psychological help.

Stay tuned, and keep up the wonderful work you do here.

Bernie aka firstofall
« Last Edit: October 31, 2015, 02:07:34 PM by firstofall22 »
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2015, 12:16:50 AM »
Day 1

No surprise that I want to masturbate again, although it seems easy to keep the line. It's a phenomenon, as soon as I quit porn, energy comes back and today I was getting up motivated at 7 AM. No foggy mind, no lack of motivation and creativity. Looking for a psychologist to help me out too.

Greets Bernie
« Last Edit: October 31, 2015, 02:08:16 PM by firstofall22 »
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2015, 08:54:00 AM »
Day 2

I'm feeling empty and useless, like my brain isn't existing anymore and I am just being alive totally hollow and not knowing what to do with my day. I'm watching
pointless Youtube videos and eating lots of junk food. I guess this is what they call withdrawal symptoms or so in terms of drug rehab.

I haven't got the urge to masturbate, neither do I have urge to do anything else. I think it's the fact that I don't have a job right now makes the situation even worse.

Hard times.

Bernie
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2015, 04:26:06 PM »
Day 3

I feel alone for some reason. I don't have any job right now so there is no activity really, I hang around most of the time.
Then I fantasize about having a nice pretty girlfriend, some time when this fucked up addiction is gone, maybe I can start a new
sex life, not with my computer screen but with a loving person.

Bernie
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




mtaha2015

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2015, 06:05:28 PM »
good.
find a girl for love not for sex.

sex is just a small fraction of love.

love is more necessary than sex.

build a strong relationship.

go for it.
hang out with girls and find someone significant.

firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2015, 08:14:38 AM »
Hey mtaha,

thanks for your respond, mate!! Have you found a girlfriend after rebooting or while doing a reboot?

Greets and all the best,
Bernie
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2015, 08:18:30 AM »
Day 5

everything going well. I'm still dusgusted of porn, no difficulties so far.

PS: Does anyone know a good program for Mac and Android phone to block porn and porn related content?

Greets and all the best to all of you out there,
Bernie
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2015, 01:45:16 AM »
Day 8

Skipped a couple day as too busy to write it in here. Life is getting phenomenal again, as it also was when I did my first reboot.
Within hours I felt this positive energy rising in me like a fire and I kept running around doing things and being active. WOW!
This effect surprises me every time! I am now reading a book written from a pick up artist, so that I finally understand the
female thoughts and actions. Maybe one day I will overcome my shitty fetish (femdom) and can be a respectful, but mainly respected
lover. Being dominant is the key for a male to success in love, you see it everywhere. That's something I have to learn.

No M, MO, or PMO so far, no urges. I'm sure they will come after 3 or 4 weeks though  ;) they are pretty reliable...

All the best,

Bernie
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2015, 11:32:14 AM »
...still day 8, I know!  ;)

But there is something I want to get off my chest: When I used to masturbate, I used to enjoy porn for hours and hours, as some or a lot of you guys probably also did (better known as edging). Also I had a huge problem with female domination and financial domination. To explain this fetish: The feeling of jerking off gets even stronger when giving money to a dominant woman - usually when having direct contact like in a chat room. Then the dominant woman is teasing and teasing and it's just a vicious cycle. After orgasming I had really bad feelings, because I jerked for hours, sometimes until 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. And I spent huge amount of money. There was this one session like 3 weeks ago where i spent 300$ for ONE session. Well the feeling was incredible, outta this world.

So after the orgasm the bad feelings were rising. Then I kept saying to myself: "A lot of people are addicted to cigarettes, or weed or hard drugs...they also have to pay for their addiction, so do I!" or "That's just the pleasure I do to myself, I don't spend a lot money on clothing like women do, so it's alright" or "Fuck it, that's my destiny now, it feels just too good. I won't get a woman like this so when time comes, I'll just buy one from Eastern Europe or something, I don't need women anyway..."

Pretty frightening, I know. But this is what porn does to you.

Bernie
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #9 on: October 26, 2015, 05:18:20 PM »
Day 14

How are you all doing, gentlemen?
I am feeling very good, "superpowers" are still strong and helpful changing my life and lifestyle. People feel my warmth and my
goodwill, they have fun around me and support me, and this is a beautiful thing really. I can't describe how much better life is
without this drug or addiction. Everything is increasing...

Personal mood
Motivation
Creativity
Behaviour
Getting in contact with people
Sexuality
Attractiveness
Better sleep
Better memory
and so on.....

I want to achieve life free of Porn, so I can be this person I am right now until I die.

Greets
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #10 on: October 27, 2015, 02:38:24 AM »
Day 15

Doing fine so far, no urges. I am stronger than ever, wanting to achieve the best life I can realize for me.
Looking for a job at the moment, it's quite hard to be honest. It's also annoying to have to decent day schedule, somehow I just
live in the day without really knowing what to do next. But I stay focused no matter what happens.

Shout out to all the rebooters out there, you are doing great, keep up the good work!

Greets Bernie
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




fletchgibbons

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #11 on: October 27, 2015, 04:35:28 AM »
Congratulations of surpassing two weeks! Keep posting!

Rob

firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #12 on: October 28, 2015, 08:21:05 AM »
Day 16 - My birthday

Hello folks out there, it's my bithday - yeeiih - you see I don't really like to put myself in the light or how we would
say: in the middle of the room, I think it's a day like any other, but I like to look back past the years to see what I reached
and which difficulties and hard times I managed to pass. I am 23 years old now and I am now at a point where I can say
that my life REALLY begins. Half a year ago, I found out that many issues of my current life have to do with my addiction to pornography.
PMO, MO, O, triggers, porn, fetish and dommes have traversed every aspect of my life entirely. I was a different person than I am
now, another soul, another character. I don't feel like I have learned a lot about the other sex so far and I am more than willing to
proceed NoFap so I can understand women, their desires and last but not least: real LOVE.
Second, I found out that I was unhappy at university and school because my father wanted me do carry on with our family business
and so he somehow forced me to do those courses and classes. I now know that I have other interests which are much greater than
economy, management or things like that. I have found out that I am creative and social, and deep in my heart I always knew that.
So I long story short, I am workless now and looking for a job. And I am trying to figure out, what kind of course I want to take
at university, whether something creative like web design or advertising, or other things like some sort of therapist, ergo or physio or even
a teacher. I don't know yet, I have to find myself after living a life for my father so far, to be honest.

So basically I try to find my way in two very important things of life:
LOVE and CAREER. There is one thing which also holds the stool of life, which is FRIENDS. I have got friends, even if there aren't many real
friends. I love them because they withstood my unhappy, uninterested me in the time of hard fapping to porn.

Much hope and power for you all guys, you are on the right way!

Bernie
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2015, 09:20:15 AM »
Day 17 since the last PMO (still hard mode)

I recognize that I have so much more confidence in everything I do. Doesn't matter - either with someone I talk to or what I do,
everything is way easier with lots of confidence. And it's impressive for women, too! Most girls go for confidence, the more the better.
It's so easy but you got to have the self-esteem, the manner, the feel, a bit dominating. I have to learn to use this in order to meet a
woman who I can relate to. Because so far there were some women I wanted to interact more often, but without the confidence you
get rejected. It's like a invisible barrier.

These are my thoughts for today, guys. Let me think what you think about this pile of words.

Bernie

PS The first counter isn't true (93 days of no M), I don't know how it came there and how to delete it (I tried several times to delete).
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #14 on: October 31, 2015, 04:39:49 AM »
Day 18

No urges what so ever. I am very creative and active still. Doing lots of stuff, being confident all the time. But I feel that I need to
talk to someone about my problem. I am texting with my ex girlfriend currently, don't know if I should talk to her about that...
I am still too embarrassed at the moment to spread my problem out in the world. Well I guess it's not healthy to hide it either.
Hoping to get a job soon, feeling useless doing nothing sitting on my bum.

Greets
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #15 on: October 31, 2015, 02:18:31 PM »
Day 19 - Happy day

Hello gentlemen,

today something great happened. I told my ex-girlfriend about my problem with PMO and PIED. She is the first person I told the whole story, I mean the WHOLE lot. Well I didn't know how she would react but for some reason, she understood it all and was very supportive. We talked a lot and I tried to describe how I feel, which problems I have to deal with. And also, I told her that I broke up with her because of porn. Now she feels kinda released because she was wondering what was wrong with me. We are just friends now, I want to have somebody to talk to. She is so cool, like I literally am so happy to finally be able to talk to someone about this. Don't get me wrong: This website is cool, but there is nothing worth more than talking to a real person about your problems. I can ensure you guys, try this.

I gave her the permission to read through all this. I told her about the forum and your work, I didn't stop once I had gotten into it. God bless this person.

Bernie
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




cknfella

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #16 on: October 31, 2015, 07:37:38 PM »
Bernie -

So glad you got to confess to someone close to you.  I too, have found it SO FREEING to share my story with those closest to me. I think it's a game-changer.

Keep up the good work man. Looking forward to reading more of your journey.

firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #17 on: November 02, 2015, 03:40:02 PM »
Day 21

Feeling exhausted, got a lot of stuff to do at the moment. Still looking for a job though and at the same time, thinking about a different career in order to what I did in my life so far. No urges for M, PO or PMO what so ever. I mean it's 3 weeks already which is pretty alright. I know that it's going to be getting difficult soon to keep up the standards, but I really got the aim to pull it through this time.

Bernie
« Last Edit: November 03, 2015, 04:00:50 AM by firstofall22 »
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




igetum

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #18 on: November 03, 2015, 01:04:38 AM »
Glad you have mad such a strong comeback. Keep the fire burning, you are not alone. And your comeback is an inspiration to many.

firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #19 on: November 03, 2015, 04:14:30 AM »
Thanks for the words man, means a lot!
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #20 on: November 04, 2015, 06:55:21 AM »
Day 22

Feel very stressed out. There's nothing much I have to do currently but the things I want to do, they get really stressy and I barely can solve them. Also I spend a huge amount of time planning and sorting out things on my phone, it's almost hectic. I'm feeling really uncomfortable right now. I don't know what it is, but there is this inner impatience which drives me crazy.

Greets, Bernie
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2015, 04:24:20 AM »
Day 24

Still feeling restless and nervous for some reason. I will try and search for answers today at mbop.com or some other source. I am pretty sure though that it is some kind of withdrawal symptom. I hope it's just a phase which doesn't stay too long, it's pretty uncomfortable.

first
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




igetum

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #22 on: November 05, 2015, 11:41:50 PM »
Nervousness and restlessness have hit me severally especially at night. When they come, I cannot sleep, my mind just ticks. Taking some deep inhalation an exhalation breaths has a bit of calming effect.

firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #23 on: November 09, 2015, 01:51:40 AM »
Day 28

4 weeks rebooting, guys. I've made it and I am still very motivated and positive, I will be able to overcome PMO that's what I know now. This second
reboot is so much different to the first one - maybe I just had to figure myself out or whatever, it feels like I know exactly what I want and the feeling still unbroken. There were a few days last week where I suffered, I was nervous, felt angry, bad, uncomfortable. Then it got better on Friday, positive energy was back. I am aware that this cycle will start all over again but I now know that it's SO worth to fight for it, guys! It's true, you have to withstand the flatline however often it may come, it's worth to get to the "end of the rainbow".
I told you that I was talking to my ex girlfriend about my issue in the past, she is the only person who knows about all this. Yesterday we talked about all this, about sex and about other stuff. We talked a lot and I said to her, that I didn't know how far I had rebooted my brain - I wanted to test, if PIED was still an issue after 1 month of hard mode no PMO. Well long story short, I got a blowjob from her, resulting in an orgasm. I was rock hard all the time for like half an hour or maybe a bit less, so no signs of PIED... I was very happy and I felt released, even though it took her quite some work to make me cum, but I guess that's not a wonder after years of tight fast fapping. So there is still a lot to do for me on my way to get sexually normal, but I am very confident that it's gonna turn out very well. So, we are still friends, friends with benefits if you want to. Like I said she's the only one who knows I have this problem, so I don't wanna lose her as a friend now.
I guess hard mode is over now, but I changed hard mode into a even better thing: being able to O with a real person.

Greets and much power for you all,
Bernie
« Last Edit: November 09, 2015, 05:36:19 PM by firstofall22 »
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




firstofall22

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Re: Back on track
« Reply #24 on: November 11, 2015, 08:27:30 AM »
Day 30

No triggers, no flashbacks, no urges due to my huge orgasm 3 days ago. I think orgasming with a real person doesn't give you the need to continue orgasming, it's natural and that's what really rewires your brain pretty fast, in my opinion. I am feeling better than ever, I am productive the whole day without having much rest, it's phenomenal. I got energy, social skills and libido back in my life. Continuing No PMO until the slightest urges are fading and then - keeping the system alive: No porn ever in my life.

Much power for you all,

Bernie
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)