Author Topic: My New Life  (Read 16082 times)

noitan

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #25 on: October 27, 2015, 03:50:07 PM »
I have been gone for a few days so I will answer your question about ugly.  He was ugly.  I know that sounds redundant, but that is the word that best describes it.  He had a look of total distaste on his face when we talked.  He blamed his porn behavior on every one of the things that I was self conscious about and that I had shared with him.  He told me all of the things he thought I was lacking.  He told me all his rationalizations for his addiction.  Even denied the addiction.  He tore me down so he could feel he was better than someone.  He defended his behavior the only way he knew how.  I discovered his use.  The best defense is an excellent offense.  I was so down I could not function.  But, I made a routine to follow to help me get out of that mindset.  If he had not participated, I would have had to leave.  If he was not willing to try, then it was going to be the end of the marriage.  So little by little we crawled out of the abyss.  And that is exactly how it felt.

I can answer questions you have.  You can do it in this page or PM me.  But the above is the reason that I say talk to your wife.  Discovery is the worst way to find out.  Absolutely hands down the worst.  Please know that as you examine your relationship, that since you have been addicted your view of the situation is through porn glasses.  It makes it look like your wife is not the best person for you that you deserve better.  All relationships resemble other relationships at some point.  After all our most consistent forms of relationships for comparison are familial relationships.  There are times we all want to be taken care of.  Or be irresponsible. Porn  addiction is representative of both.  ie. Your wife doesn't take care of you so porn is the answer.  Or I don't care I deserve this.

Just know that even now as my husband and I talk about the addiction, he is surprised by two things:  1. He was so mean in his response.  2. That I stayed with him and loved him throughout recovery.  Also this is an ongoing recovery.  It may be worked through, but the memory is always there.

You can do this!  Do not let your porn brain trick you into random thoughts.  It wants its fix.

I can relato to this.. The brain wanting its fix.. Everytime i am in a long streak without porn, and since i started rebooting, i'm surprised by thoughts of abandoning my fiancee and go have fun and multiple girls, and stop trying to build a relationship.

But everytime i really approach this line of thought and ask really what i would gain from that, the answer is pure and simple: Sex with new partners, aka, novelty. There's no ups besides this, which is a strong and fluid dopamine fix... Therefore, it's just a way our brains try to stabilize the equation, finding its fix somewhere else.

And in an oversexualized world, with sex all around presenting itself as an option, it's not a hard task for our brains to find an alternative route.
PS.: Gracie, sorry for my english, this is not my primary language.

TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #26 on: October 28, 2015, 12:29:28 PM »
@Gracie; Thanks for replying. I actually asked my wife yesterday if during our eight years together she had ever looked at me and thought I was ugly. She said 'no' right away, like that hadn't even crossed her mind, so I'm a lucky guy! She knows about my addiction by the way and she has known for several years.

I'm really sorry to read about your battles with your husband. I recognize that behavior, denying that you have a problem and getting angry and aggressive is very common sadly. The way I understand it is that you are attacking or trying to take away something that the addicted person doesn't want to give up. If I understand your history correctly, in the beginning your husband didn't think he had a problem, and I believe that he was truly convinced of that. As an addict it's very easy to feel like people are invading your life, trying to ruin something you consider a good thing because you can't yet see the destruction it brings. I'm not trying to defend your husband, I'm just saying I recognize the behavior and I'm sorry men can be such blind bastards sometimes...

--------------------------------------------
The turning point; My wife is amazing!
So, in my last update I felt like I was at the end of the rope. I was at a point were I realized that our marriage wasn't working. (If you don't know what I'm on about, read my previous update).

Yesterday I made dinner for her when she got home from work and afterwards we talked for about three hours. I poured my heart out and I'm not sure I was all that coherent at times but she let me talk and she listened. My wife already knows about my addiction and she has for a few years already. She is a very patient and loving woman and I'm a very lucky guy.

The gist of what I said was how I felt the last few weeks. I was honest about how I felt like I had taken all responsibility on myself and that all it did was leave me exhausted and depressed. The attitude I've had for a long time now is that if we have any sort of problem in our marriage, it's because of my addiction and I'm to blame so I also have to be the one who fixes it. When it doesn't work, when we still have problems in our marriage, I get depressed about it, exhausted and frustrated. I talked about how I viewed our relationship during our 8 years together, the whole Father-Daughter and Sibling relationship I explained in my previous post and she agreed.

My main point was that we have to stop trying to be two selfish individuals living together. We're married and when we got married we became one and we have to live together like we are one. I can't live with my addiction alone anymore and I can't take the blame alone anymore. I need her to carry that with me just like I have to carry her burdens with her when she struggles. The cool thing was that she had had the exact same thoughts ever since our fight that set everything off so she started crying in relief when she heard me say exactly what she had been thinking :)

It was an emotional and exhausting talk but man I truly believe this was a great turning point for us. We talked about doing a marriage course or counseling, not because we feel like we're close to leaving each other, but because we want to devote ourselves to each other all over again and get some advice on how to live better as one, as a married couple.

So, all in all, last night went really well and we are ready to live as one. I know we're not out of the woods yet, we still have a lot of work to do, but now we're on the right path for the first time in our relationship and that feels really good :)

cr4wZ80

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #27 on: October 28, 2015, 01:33:33 PM »
NewMe, the same in here. Probably I and my girlfriend are in the right path of our life together after five years, and it's a beautiful sensation.... :)
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


Gracie

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #28 on: October 28, 2015, 04:15:44 PM »
Woo hoo!

TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #29 on: October 29, 2015, 10:16:19 AM »
Today was going to be a very productive day; I stayed home all day because I have a lot to do (3 papers to write and a ton of reading to do) but I just never got going. Then, about three hours ago, images from porn videos I've seen a long time ago popped into my head and I really struggled to get rid of them. I even went to the grocery store just to get away from my computer. It's better now and I think I have it under control again, so I'm relieved about that but at the same time I'm annoyed at how things like these keep ruining hours of my day, basically wasting them. Well, it's better than the alternative (give in and PMO) but I probably have to work a lot tonight instead.

TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #30 on: October 30, 2015, 05:14:30 PM »
Decided to study at the University today instead of sitting at home. That really helped me focus and of course you're not in a position where you can watch porn when you're at the library. So I was able to focus for a couple of hours and get some work done until my laptop stopped working. I recently had it serviced and just got it back a week ago. They didn't fix everything it seems. So I had to leave Uni to hand it in again. The rest of the afternoon and evening I've spent with my wife.

Right now I only have two issues and I know one is a withdrawal symptom but the other I haven't experienced before. The withdrawal symptom is that my brain is now focused on just one girl from a couple of porn videos I've seen in the past, that one girl that my brain knows is going to tempt me the most. That leads to a sort of sadness which is hard to explain rationally; it's like I've decided to give up on this girl from the porn videos, like she was a real girl I could be with, and somehow that's a loss that I'm sad about. It doesn't make sense unless you've experienced it yourself I guess. If it was just that, feeling sad because of this loss that isn't really a loss (but a gain I would argue), then that wouldn't be too bad, but it also affects my relationship with my wife. I feel like I don't want to sleep with my wife right now because I would rather sleep with this girl I'm missing. And as long as I'm fighting this sadness I'm feeling and especially as long as I'm battling the thoughts of this girl (which I have under control but my brain won't give me any rest) I feel like if I slept with my wife now it would somehow be... wrong. I wouldn't know whether I was turned on by my wife or this girl and as long as I can't be entirely sure about that, I'm not gonna sleep with my wife. Plus, this sadness means I'm far from in the mood for sex anyway. Hopefully this will all pass soon.

The second thing I'm not sure about as I've never experienced it before, and it's very difficult to explain. It's a sensation in my... 'nether regions', like reproduction organs, butt and thighs, the whole area. The sensation reminds a little bit about that sensation you get when you give in to porn, that kind of feeling like you're high, but it's just that one area, not my entire body, and it's not comfortable either. It's not painful–it's more like that specific area of my body is a lot more tired than the rest of my body and sometimes I get that same sensation in my head and neck area. As I said, very hard to explain and I'm not sure my explanation made it any clearer. I've never experienced it before, it's been like this for a few days and I just hope it passes soon.

Anyway, not any big urges lately. The No Arousal method is doing it's magic–no triggers, no relapses–and my relationship to my wife is getting better I would say. We still have a lot of work to do, but we're working on it together this time which is a good feeling :)

Gracie

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #31 on: October 31, 2015, 08:03:37 AM »
You are doing a good job of recognizing you thoughts and what is going on with them.  This is a great step forward.  I have a suggestion.  You say that this one memory is crowding your brain and you think it would be not good to have sex with your wife.  My husband and I started (back at the very beginning) what we called full body hugs.  (sounds weird I know)  But we made a commitment to sleep naked and every night and every morning we had full body hugs.  Either facing each other or spooning.  It was reveling in the touch.  Not sex.  Not hands touching genitals.  Just our whole body touching.  Sometimes we would have our faces close and breathe in each other's air.  We still do this every day.  No exceptions.  Mainly because now it is an important part of our routine.  But then, I really did not like him.  All of his touch (which was very sporadic) not romantic or caring it was we are gonna have sex touch.  So I had to desensitize myself to what his touch meant and he had to learn new ways of touching.  The other thing that worked well when we had sex in the beginning was keeping our eyes open during sex and kissing.  So we actually saw each other and were consciously in the moment.  It was tough at first but we did it.  I had to make sure he was seeing me and I said if he could masturbate watching porn then he could look at me when we made love.  Eyes open keeps the memory away. 

When going through this, if you feel you must pull away from your wife, it is the precise moment you need to be reaching for her.  Porn was your medication and stimulation for a long time.  That now needs to be your wife.  She is your medication when things are tough and your stimulation for excitement.  It takes a while to get there.  But if you turn to your wife, the other will fade away.  I promise!

TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #32 on: November 01, 2015, 05:39:37 PM »
@Gracie; thanks for the reply and the tips. I understand your suggestion and I see how it can be beneficial. Btw, I usually have my eyes open when I have sex. If I close them there's a danger that images from porn videos will pop up, and I don't want that. Also, I think it's much more intimate when I can look her in the eyes. It means something, like we have a deeper connection that way.

Neither one of us likes sleeping naked though so I think it'll be hard to get my wife to go along with that. The other problem is that when I feel like I need to pull away, I agree, I probably need to reach for her, but sometimes it's just too hard. It's hard to explain to someone who's probably never had porn addiction but hopefully you understand. I will keep trying though :)

Difficult day - Warning: contains one possible trigger, although not graphic!
New month and that means I'm at least over a month PMO free.

Didn't sleep well last night and as a result I've been tired all day and being tired is dangerous, especially when you're home alone. My wife visited her mother yesterday and stayed over night. It's remarkable how much harder it is to stay porn free when you're tired and I've had a real struggle all day. Kept myself busy though, which always helps, and when a nice butt in underwear appeared in an episode of Sons of Anarchy, my brain still reacted the way it's supposed to, looking away immediately and not lingering.

I wasn't in a very good mood when my wife got home (not that I was angry or anything). The last year I've given up nicotine (323 days nicotine free) and recently I've given up everything I consider unhealthy to eat, like chocolate, chips, fast food, candy etc. Maybe it wasn't too weird that I got this image in my head today where I was free to do whatever I wanted and I was home alone with tobacco, cognac, chocolate and, of course, all the porn I wanted. Pretty sad image that that is in fact a sort of dream scenario. It's pathetic but that's just reality. Maybe I tried to give up too much at the same time. Anyway, it was a 'fantasy' that I had to give up and since I just seem to be in that phase right now, that god me down and I felt a bit depressed about it. So that affected my mood.

Anyway, I stayed far away from porn and stayed disciplined with the no arousal method so at least there's that.

cr4wZ80

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #33 on: November 02, 2015, 01:06:04 PM »
NewMe, do u consider yourself in danger when you're tired? Pretty strange to me  :o When I'm tired, I'm tired, and I fall on the bed asleep. Never had this kind of problem, anyway don't give up!
I remember one rule I read sometime ago on a personal development blog: the "Do nothing" rule. If you're going to do something you shouldn't, STOP! like freezed....and do nothing! In a short time you're going to find yourself doing something else to avoid being still like a statue lol ;) In this case, if you're really tired, you could sleep...

And....what does my eyes read? The chocolate is UNHEALTHY TO EAT? HERETIC!!! :P Well, I think it depends, there is Chocolate and chocolate.....and it's a wonderful anti-depressant!
I hope there's no need to say I'm not talking about fast food chocolate products...well, maybe those one is unhealthy for real! But, not the same thing for every kind of!

One thought in my mind: well, yes, I think you're trying to get over too much addiction at the same time! One important thing I learned in my personal development work is: when we start something new (like an addiction "game over"), we're like kids that need to learn everything about it, and need for new rules. Try to think at the childhood: our parents gave us rules everyday, because we had to learn living! Given this, kids had to learn SIMPLE rules at first, and A FEW, because they're unable to manage too much and hard rules. That's the same in many things in life, anyway, you're not going to become an astrophysicist scientist in two days, are you? I mean, you could start get rid of ONE thing at time, or you're going to go crazy!

Finally I want to say you: if you're going to do all of this, you're a rock man NewMe! Keep going!  ;D :D
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #34 on: November 02, 2015, 06:02:21 PM »
NewMe, do u consider yourself in danger when you're tired? Pretty strange to me  :o When I'm tired, I'm tired, and I fall on the bed asleep. Never had this kind of problem, anyway don't give up!
I remember one rule I read sometime ago on a personal development blog: the "Do nothing" rule. If you're going to do something you shouldn't, STOP! like freezed....and do nothing! In a short time you're going to find yourself doing something else to avoid being still like a statue lol ;) In this case, if you're really tired, you could sleep...

When I'm tired, I don't have the same strength to stay focused and concentrated at all times so it's more difficult to not let porn images into my brain or stick with the No Arousal method at all times. It requires some strength and when I'm tired I just don't have the same strength. I'm talking about when I haven't slept well or enough and I'm tired during the day. I can't go to sleep during the day :)

And....what does my eyes read? The chocolate is UNHEALTHY TO EAT? HERETIC!!! :P Well, I think it depends, there is Chocolate and chocolate.....and it's a wonderful anti-depressant!
I hope there's no need to say I'm not talking about fast food chocolate products...well, maybe those one is unhealthy for real! But, not the same thing for every kind of!

One thought in my mind: well, yes, I think you're trying to get over too much addiction at the same time! One important thing I learned in my personal development work is: when we start something new (like an addiction "game over"), we're like kids that need to learn everything about it, and need for new rules. Try to think at the childhood: our parents gave us rules everyday, because we had to learn living! Given this, kids had to learn SIMPLE rules at first, and A FEW, because they're unable to manage too much and hard rules. That's the same in many things in life, anyway, you're not going to become an astrophysicist scientist in two days, are you? I mean, you could start get rid of ONE thing at time, or you're going to go crazy!

Finally I want to say you: if you're going to do all of this, you're a rock man NewMe! Keep going!  ;D :D

Yeah, I understand what you're saying. I'm sticking with it for a while. It's going ok and I feel better when I can get more areas of my life under control, like eating healthy, quitting nicotine and not watching porn. Everyday when I manage all three, I feel good about that. But in those difficult times when I get urges it's like, "Well, I can't watch porn, so good thing I have some nicotine to help me out. Oh wait, I don't have nicotine.. Well, I'll eat some chocolate, that always helps. Oh wait, no chocolate either..." That can be difficult I'll admit.

Thanks for the reply! Today has been a decent day. I'm currently doing NaNoWriMo (http://www.nanowrimo.org if you don't know what that is). Wrote more than 5,000 words today which was good, but I should've got some more school work done. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #35 on: November 04, 2015, 06:19:26 PM »
Worst day in a long – not all that bad really

I was going to be a good student today, eating a quick breakfast and then get to work on an essay that is long overdue. Started reading a bit figuring out exactly what to write (only final details, I had most of it outlined) when a few porn images popped up in my head. I should mention that what I was reading wasn't the most interesting thing ever written, so that could explain why my brain wanted to think of something else. Anyway, usually I can focus on something else for a little while, the images go away and I can refocus on what I was doing. Not so much today.

First of all the images were much more vivid, like they were much more alive in my head than they use to. And they were just as vivid with my eyes open as they were with my eyes closed. Usually there's a difference. Secondly, focusing on something else was almost impossible. I rubbed my head, shook my head, got up and moved around, and I felt like I was desperately trying to shake these images out of my head but they still wouldn't go.

After a few minutes of what felt like a full-on attack I had to use a new method of controlling my thoughts that I haven't used before but it worked so I will share it with you.

Step 1: Find a focus picture (not porn btw) that is easy to see clearly in your mind when you close your eyes. A computer wallpaper works nicely. I used a beautiful landscape picture of a beautiful tree and pink/orange sky.
Step 2: Once you have that focus picture memorized, close your eyes and focus on the picture you chose.
Step 3: Now bring up the porn picture that is troubling you but in a smaller window, like a small window on your computer desktop and your focus picture as the wallpaper if that makes sense. Move the much smaller porn image that is troubling you up to the top right corner of the focus picture.
Step 4: When you can see this clearly in your mind, the focus picture as the background with the porn image in a small window in the top right corner, move the porn image from the top right to the top left corner with your mind.
Step 5: Move the porn picture from the top left corner to the bottom left corner, then to the bottom right corner and back to the top right corner. Make sure you're always in control and that you still see your focus picture clearly through the entire process.
Step 6: Once the porn image is in the top right corner again, close it, just like you would close a window on a computer.

I did this with every porn image that was tormenting me and it actually worked! They're still in the back of my mind and I can bring them back at any time, but I now have them under control and they're not 'attacking' me anymore.

But this was the worst mental struggle I've had in a very long time. I think I'm somewhere around day 40 since my last PMO and I know that tough challenges are still ahead of me, but this was a tough one. At one point I even felt sick, like I wanted to throw up. That's how bad it was.

Still made it into a good day
Anyway, once I had it under control I was able to get back to work. I wrote about one page before I worked out which was tough since I'm so out of shape a grandma can outrun me, but I felt a bit better afterwards. I then watched a film that was relevant to the essay I was writing before I was able to finish the paper. The film I saw had two occurrences of nudity, but they weren't a problem, not even the slightest.  8)

My wife made us dinner, I then watched a football game and the last hour or so I've been writing on my NaNoWriMo novel. Wrote a little more than 900 words tonight. So all in all I did actually get a lot done and the essay that was overdue was a heavy burden on my shoulders which is very nice to get rid of.

Well, no time to rest on my laurels. Gonna watch an episode of something before I go to bed but then it's back to work tomorrow.

Stay strong brothers!

TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #36 on: November 05, 2015, 07:39:57 PM »
Good, busy day

Got up, went to Uni, had lectures for several hours before I got a message saying my laptop was ready to be picked up from service. It's been in there for a couple of weeks. Went home, had lunch, started watching the 5th season of Sons of Anarchy and was disappointed to learn that after 4 seasons without any nudity they decided to put a couple of female butts in the very first episode of season 5. Didn't have much affect on me though and I haven't had any problems with seeing what I saw. Hopefully it's a one time thing as I quite like the show and it's, or at least was, one of the few shows that didn't contain any nudity.

Anyway, after that episode I went to pick my laptop up. Took a few hours, got home, ate dinner before the missus came home.

Had a nice long talk with my wife tonight. It really helps to share my addiction with her instead of dealing with everything myself. I'm still cautious, always telling her that if there's something she doesn't want to hear, than she only needs to let me know. So far she wants me to tell everything, so I do. It's embarrassing at times, like today when I told her about a young, blonde female jogging past me in tight fitness pants and having to admit that I found that attractive and arousing although I was able to look away. Almost got hit by a car staring every other direction than at her but hey, I have to do what's necessary here! :D

Also told her about my struggles yesterday, about the 'attack' and the technique I used to control my thoughts. Then we ended up having sex on the couch which we haven't done in 2 years or more. It was sort of spontaneous and fun!

Also wrote about 1500 words IIRC on my NaNo novel. Now I'm going to bed cause I'm very tired :) Good day today!

TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #37 on: November 09, 2015, 02:54:03 PM »
A Waste of a Day

My wife had to work from noon till 8 PM today and I was suppose to get a lot done at home. As soon as she left though I got serious urges that I couldn't ignore. Being home alone for so many hours with high speed internet, not having watched any porn in about a month and a half, having a sexual dream yesterday and my brain conjuring up images that I really wanted to have a look at, it all spelt danger. I started playing a game and listened to a podcast that I quite like and is usually quite uplifting or at least makes me want to live a better life and truly become porn free. Think I did this for about an hour until it didn't work anymore.

So, I went into the living room, folded some clothes while watching Top Gear. I realized that I just couldn't return to my computer because I couldn't trust myself. I was seriously afraid of a relapse today and started thinking that it wouldn't be the worst thing to relapse, watch a little porn and then bounce right back into recovery mode afterwards. That's usually what my brain tries to convince me of before I have a relapse, so I just couldn't stay in front of my computer and ended up in the living room watching a TV show I've recently started watching. After a few hours the urges had almost gone and my wife will be home very soon so now I have no problem controlling them.

Didn't get anything done today really, but I also know that I can't dwell on these things. When you're a recovering addict you're going to have days like these where you just have to do what's necessary and not always what you would like to do. Today was one of those days. So now I just need to focus on doing something useful before I go to bed and try to get back on track tomorrow.

TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #38 on: November 12, 2015, 06:36:18 PM »
Warning: possibly some triggers, although nothing graphic I would say
This week has been difficult so far. I'm in a period now where it seems like my mind is constantly focused on girls; hot, naked, in video games, in online sex games, tv, films and so on. It's like my brain just can't focus on anything else and is nagging me to go watch something, anything. I constantly get ideas for keywords that I would like to google and feel excited about the results those keywords might yield. The keywords also conjure up possible images and it's a struggle to take control and get rid of them.

On Tuesday I lingered; I recently got my PC back from service where they had to format the whole thing so I wanted to go online and find some of my favorite desktop backgrounds that I used to have and also find some new ones. That search led me to some wallpaper downloading sites which had a "girls" or "fantasy girls" category. I clicked on them and although there was no nudity on either of these sites, there were still a lot of nice looking females. I started to feel the excitement of the "hunt" and I continued the "hunt" at google image search, still only searching for wallpapers but now looking for sexy girls wallpapers or something to that effect. I have safe search activated so no nudity should pop up but I was starting to think thoughts like "having a relapse won't be such a big deal" or "just enjoy porn for an hour and then go straight back into recovery mode". Once my brain starts making arguments like that, I know I'm in trouble and I know the way to a full relapse is very short.

Luckily, I caught myself in time. I thought about this journal, the progress my wife and I have made in recent weeks and I was able to make a good decision. I cleared the internet history (not to hide anything but so that my searches weren't easily available to me), closed the browser and went into the living room to remove myself from the computer. Since my wife was working late and was exhausted when she got home, I waited 'till the next day before I told her about everything. She was glad I was being honest with her and I'm glad about that too.

It's time to start filling my days with tasks I've realized. I have a lot to do, but have been rather apathetic the last few days. I've become lazy and bored and in that state it's so much easier to resort to porn. So starting tomorrow I'm making a to do list and I'm gonna stick to it. I have to because right now my mind is so focused on porn that I'm struggling to stay 'clean'. So I have to do something about this NOW before it's too late.

Any tips, advice or encouragement is appreciated :)

cr4wZ80

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #39 on: November 16, 2015, 09:46:12 AM »
NewMe, I neither read the entire post (the last I mean) but I want to advice you on something I used to avoid temptations:

On Google Chrome:
- BlockSi (Extension);

On computer:
- K9 web protection;

On my netgear router:
- Block sites activated with a list of dangerous keyword.

I set passwords for all and wrote it down on a paper I put out of range, at my girl's parent's home, hidden in a book I tried to forget.

Not a damned c*nt on my pc anymore....
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #40 on: November 19, 2015, 09:51:04 AM »
NewMe, I neither read the entire post (the last I mean) but I want to advice you on something I used to avoid temptations:

On Google Chrome:
- BlockSi (Extension);

On computer:
- K9 web protection;

On my netgear router:
- Block sites activated with a list of dangerous keyword.

I set passwords for all and wrote it down on a paper I put out of range, at my girl's parent's home, hidden in a book I tried to forget.

Not a damned c*nt on my pc anymore....

Hi and sorry for the late reply

I've used protection programs in the past (used Net Nanny which was crap. Stear clear!) but there are mainly two reasons why I don't use any protection on computers or phones anymore.

First of all, when I had protection programs installed on my computer, it didn't really stop me anyway. I'm a porn addict so if I end up in a situation where I'm going to relapse, basically when I can't control myself or resist anymore, I'm going to find porn one way or the other, whether there's a program blocking content or not on my computer and phone. I'm not gonna give you any tips, but believe me, a piece of software can't keep me away from porn if I've decided to relapse.

Additionally, a part of the addiction is the excitement you get when you're 'hunting' for new girls you haven't seen before, or new categories etc. Part of the excitement and what can function just as well as a full on relapse with porn, is to see what sort of pictures/videos you can still find even with protection programs, if you can sneak past the walls. The point is, when I want to look at porn, I will get a hold of porn one way or the other, either by looking at something that's more 'innocent' (girls in bikini etc), find nudity in a tv show or movie or by fantasizing (I have a lot of porn stored in my brain that I can't really get rid off) or a number of other ways. Remember that it's not really an addiction to porn but artificial stimulation which can be a lot more than just porn. And if you're brain is starved and haven't gotten its porn fix in a while, it'll settle for almost anything...

So when I get urges, I need to stop myself, and not rely on a piece of software. 

That's not to say I'm against people using software that blocks porn. For some people it will be absolutely crucial for a while, but I also think - and this brings me to my second point - that the goal of recovery must be to be able to use you phone or your computer or watch TV/movie normally and control your urges.

I.e. if I was an alcoholic it could be necessary to remove myself from pubs and social gatherings or parties for a while, or ask my wife to not drink wine at our house anymore. That could be crucial for my recovery for a while. But the main goal is not to stay away from all parties and pubs for the rest of my life, to completely isolate myself from social situations just because there is alcohol there. My wife shouldn't have to go out every time she wants to relax with a glass of wine. The goal is to be a normal person, hanging out with my friends at a pub watching a game or at a party without the need to drink alcohol.

And I think the same goes for porn. It may be necessary to stop watching Game of Thrones for a while or skip that newly released movie because you know there's nudity or a hot girl in it that acts as triggers for you. And it may be necessary to block content on your phone for a while. But I think the goal of recovery must always be to be able to use those things normally when you can control it. The goal must be to be able to see even slight nudity in a film or TV show and not automatically get strong urges that leads me to PMO.

Anyway, that's my thoughts on software that blocks content. I think it can be useful for some, just for a while or a longer period of time (and I always advice parents to get software that protects all the house's computers so their kids won't get access), but personally, my goal has to be to live normally with technology surrounding me and have a normal relationship to it. So, that's why I don't use it, but I appreciate the advice :)

cr4wZ80

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #41 on: November 24, 2015, 09:57:21 AM »
I agree, it would be the right goal to achieve! And....I agree too, protection softwares doesn't stop you from accessing P and should be used only in hard times when you're in difficulty.

And....yes, I relapsed....  :-\
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... (Lao Tzu)


TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #42 on: November 28, 2015, 06:03:05 PM »
Been a while since my last update. A lot is going on and I have a lot on my mind so I just haven't felt like updating lately. I have to get back to updating daily though as I think it helps.

Not that I need any help at all these last few days though. Yup, I believe I've hit the good old flatline. I think an article I read triggered the flatline, an article about some of the disgusting things that's going on at a porn set told by the porn stars themselves (don't worry, no nudity or anything). Just thinking about porn after reading that article made me feel sick and wanting to throw up. They told, in quite graphic detail, some of the most revolting, disgusting things that happens when they shoot porn for hours and hours and afterwards I couldn't even picture anything porn related without feeling sick to my stomach. So, at least I have absolutely no desire to watch porn!

The only problem with a flatline though is that I have no interest in sex with my wife either. That's the only negative. I'm not too worried though; it's frustrating to flatline when it's going on, and it's bad for our sex life, I know it will pass and I know that it's a sign that I'm recovering. It's been about two months since my last PMO now so I was actually wondering when the flatline would occur. Better to get it over it. 

I just have to keep working on my life while flatlining I guess, try to get a lot done while my mind isn't occupied with porn or sex. Like George Constanza in 'The Abstinence'!  ;D

TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #43 on: January 03, 2016, 12:29:46 PM »
Beyond Day 90
It's been a while since I've updated now but I'm still going strong. I've passed 90 days with no PMO and using the No Arousal Method, a milestone I've never reached before, so I don't know what to expect from here.

December was a tough month in many ways. I'm currently being tested for ADD (ADHD without the H as in Hyper) and it's affecting my mood on a daily basis, from being happy about finally getting to the bottom of a number of more or less serious issues I've struggled with for a long time, to being sad, almost depressed, about the possibility of something being wrong with me and not being able to live a normal life. My mood has affected my marriage, but overall we are a lot happier together now than we've ever been.

Our sex life is improving as well. As long as I was using porn, I rarely wanted her and we rarely had sex. The last few weeks we've had more sex than I think we've ever had in our 7,5 year long marriage and it's more fun as well.

Struggles
I still find myself wanting porn every now and then. It's still there, lurking in the back of my mind even though it seems like the step from thought to relapse is very long and it's a lot easier to control. Still, I wonder why people have 90 days with no PMO as a goal, like it's magically gonna get rid of every fiber of addiction. It doesn't, even compbined with the No Arousal Method. You still have to work hard on "LIFE", your goals, ambitions, dreams and everyday life. Porn addiction is still just a symptom in my opinion and it will always be there unless you work on the actual problem. 

Personally, I think I need to figure out this ADD stuff first and hopefully that'll improve my life in general. Until then, it doesn't matter how many days I go without porn and using the No Arousal Method (which I still find crucial for recovery), I will still always have thoughts about porn and a desire for visual stimulation from movies, tv or just the woman in the street, and as long as there are triggers, there's a chance to relapse.

slumberingjack

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #44 on: January 04, 2016, 06:38:11 AM »
Hi thenewme,im new to this rebooting thing.I read most of your posts and going through them made me feel like you want to live like a monk .our world is imperfect dude and so are we. Having said that I won't say just give into your temptations but keep trying till you feel you're decent enough and also focus on things you thought you lost due to your habits and try to achieve them. I'm just writing this cos I find you beat yyourself up too much over this. Probably cos you're alone most of the time. I'm dealing with the same. But dude don't you think no arousal method is too harsh.I'm not suggesting otherwise but I think that it's just a part of being a man and overcoming that sexual tension and still treating a woman with respect is being a man too. Otherwise you're just wanting to have no basic instincts at all. Buddha said there should be moderations in everything.why don't you try that n not try too hard. What do you think?

TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #45 on: January 04, 2016, 11:32:11 AM »
REDEFINING PORN ADDICTION: 'ADDICTED TO VISUAL STIMULATION'

1. What is porn?
For a porn addict, that might sound like a stupid question. But think about it for a second; how do you define porn? Why is a picture of a naked women by Playboy porn but a picture of a naked women from an art photographer isn't? Why is a nude scene on a porn site porn, but a nude scene in a movie isn't? How do you define 'porn'? If you say you're addicted to it, you should know what you're addicted to, right? How can you recover if you don't know what you're recovering from?

Reading posts on this forum and others I've come to realize that defining exactly what we're addicted to is more difficult than I thought. "It's porn, it's self-explanatory, right?" Not really. The good news is, the definition is also completely irrelevant.

Do you need porn to MO? Not really if you think about it. You can MO to nudity in TV shows, movies or magazines that are not classified as porn. I think most of us could MO to a girl in a bikini or tight yoga pants as well even though there's no nudity.

Here's my point: Defining what's porn or not doesn't really help us. If you MO to Game of Thrones or an online porn video doesn't really matter – your brain gets its fix either way. If you're aroused by both and MO to both, just staying away from porn doesn't help your recovery, right? Other non-addicted scholars can argue about what is and what isn't porn because that's not the point, it's not something we need to figure out. What matters to us is what we're addicted to and how to recover from it.


2. Understand your situation
As a porn addict I'm in a very different situation than other people, and I have to accept that. Just as an alcoholic has to accept that he can't enjoy a beer with his mates or a glass of wine with his wife, I have to accept that not every TV show or movie is fine for me to see. I've already given up Game of Thrones, Californication and a bunch of other shows because they were hurting my recovery and put me dangerously close, or lead me directly, to a relapse. If you haven't noticed already, wanting to recover from addiction requires a lot of sacrifices and if you haven't realized that yet, I hope you do soon.

I know I'm in a different situation than friends that aren't addicts and I have to accept that. They can watch shows with nudity with no problems or thoughts of porn or jerking off. I can't. Does that feel unfair? At first, yes, but then again, I put myself in this position so I can't blame anyone else but me. And if I want to recover I have to face the consequences of the position I've put myself in. I have to make the sacrifices necessary to ensure my recovery. It's not about being harsh or beating myself up – I put myself in this position and I'm ready to do whatever I have to to get myself out of it. I don't expect to recover unless I'm ready to do whatever recovery dictates. It's about going all in because I want to recover, not 50% because I want to get a little bit better but is not ready to sacrifice some of the things I like. An alcoholic can't recover while continuing to drink, even if he drinks less than he did – all you're doing then is keeping the addiction alive until you relapse. I can't recover if I keep finding nudity or hot girls and am aroused by what I see, even if it's not technically porn. All I'm doing then is keeping the addiction alive and keeping my brain away from a proper reboot.

Again, is it too harsh? All I'm doing is what's necessary to recover, to give my brain a proper reboot. I'm all in, doing this 100%. Otherwise I don't see the point of the struggle.


3. Triggers
If you're trying to recover and you haven't heard about triggers yet, it's about time. If you have, then skip ahead or read for repetition :)

By triggers we mean anything that triggers our reward system that drives our addiction (this is a very simplified explanation by the way). When you relapse it's probably not because of the last porn videos you saw. Something turned you on and made you go look at porn. Whatever that 'something' was, is the trigger that triggered the relapse. The problem is that a trigger can be almost anything; it can be nudity in a TV show, a hot girl in a bikini, a babe in yoga pants at the gym or just wanting to test out a certain google search. Basically, anything can be a trigger and it's different for everyone so I can't tell you what your triggers are.

So, here's a top tip: If you relapse, make sure you think back and try to figure out what the trigger was so that you can be aware of it the next time you see it.

Okay, let's get back to the main story.


4. Addicted to visual stimulation
I would like to suggest a new term for our condition: 'Addicted to Visual Stimulation'. I find it much more helpful in my recovery and in understanding my addiction than porn addiction. I can't even define 'porn' properly which makes it impossible to define and understand a 'porn addiction'. So, how do I define 'Visual Stimulation' then?

Whether you're aroused or turned on by the girl at the gym, hot girls in a TV show or a movie, certain video games or a google image search, I define them all as visual stimulation. Porn is obviously Visual Stimulation as well and is included in the category, but other than that, what we call Visual Stimulation differs from person to person. We are all different people with different tastes or turn-ons.

With the term Visual Stimulation I try to capture them all and at the same time be flexible, meaning that what turns me on and is included in my personal definition of Visual Stimulation isn't necessarily part of your definition. I.e. if I find hot girls in yoga pants highly arousing, that's part of my definition of Visual Stimulation, but if you don't find that arousing at all, it's not part of your definition. Get it?

I would argue that anything you can put into the category 'Visual Stimulation' is problematic and part of your addiction. Can you tell the difference between a lesbian porn scene and the famous love scene in "Blue is the warmest color"? Can you tell the difference between a nude picture from Playboy or an art photographer? Whether you can or not is not the point. The point is, they're all visually stimulating, giving your brain visual cues (see point 6) and keeping the addiction alive.


5. Finding your definition
So, what is your definition of Visual Stimulation and consequently your definition of your addiction?

That's a difficult question to answer because it's highly personal and varies from person to person based on what turns you on. But I think triggers is a great place to start because I think triggers tells us something about what we find arousing, in other words, visually stimulating. And every time you find a trigger, be honest with yourself and add it to your definition.


6. What's so bad about visual stimulation as long as it's not porn?
Short answer; I would recommend you read about 'The "No Arousal" Method'' or read this article from The Independent. The point is that visual cues light up your brain's reward center and will be stimulated, just like an alcoholic who sees an ad for alcohol. In my opinion visual stimulation keeps the addiction alive because you're constantly giving your brain visual cues that triggers the reward center. As an addict, our brains are already messed up, they're not wired properly and instead of being wired towards real physical women and sex as we're supposed to, our brains only rewards us when we find visual stimulation. That's why we need a real reboot and during that reboot I believe you need to get rid of any visual cues.


Conclusion
I've already started to use 'Addicted to Visual Stimulation' rather than 'porn addiction' and VS-MO (Visual Stimulation-Masturbate Orgasm) instead of PMO. I don't expect to revolutionize the world here and I don't expect my new term to be used rather than 'porn addiction' in general. But I do hope that my definition can help you understand your addiction a little bit better and hopefully help in your recovery as well.


Any thoughts or comments on this is appreciated! It's something I've thought about a lot lately and in my head it makes a ton of sense but I would love to hear other opinions or comments.

slumberingjack

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #46 on: January 04, 2016, 12:41:39 PM »
Firstly wow,you're a good writer. Secondly, thanks for the quick response. Since I have little idea about the severeness of your situation so I'm not getting into it. Wish you the best for it.I want to ask though what if those triggers don't lead me to MO and I casually enjoy it then forget about it after a while for eg. Looking at a hot girl walk in the street which I have been doing sometimes nowadays I get a mild turn on and that's it. Is it still relapse or giving in to the addiction. I just want to be sure since I want to get rid of my brain fog. If turning away from everything that turns me on is the solution to it or just refraining from engaging into sexual activities is enough, like constantly watching porn or nude images or pics of pretty girls.I want to know how bad I have it.if you could elaborate on your triggers and aftermaths provided its not too much to ask.I would know where I stand and how to deal with my situation.

TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #47 on: January 04, 2016, 05:06:04 PM »
Firstly wow,you're a good writer. Secondly, thanks for the quick response. Since I have little idea about the severeness of your situation so I'm not getting into it. Wish you the best for it.I want to ask though what if those triggers don't lead me to MO and I casually enjoy it then forget about it after a while for eg. Looking at a hot girl walk in the street which I have been doing sometimes nowadays I get a mild turn on and that's it. Is it still relapse or giving in to the addiction. I just want to be sure since I want to get rid of my brain fog. If turning away from everything that turns me on is the solution to it or just refraining from engaging into sexual activities is enough, like constantly watching porn or nude images or pics of pretty girls.I want to know how bad I have it.if you could elaborate on your triggers and aftermaths provided its not too much to ask.I would know where I stand and how to deal with my situation.

Hi and thanks for your kind words :)

First of all, it's only considered a relapse if you look at porn or visual stimulation, masturbate and orgasm. So seeing a hot girl on the street and getting turned on by her isn't a relapse. But is it helping or hurting your recovery?

To figure that out I think you need to be truly honest with yourself. In the beginning, when you realize that you might be a porn addict, it can be really difficult to be honest because sometimes we're afraid of the truth. I know I struggled for a long time accepting that my ultimate goal is to never enjoy porn or be aroused by naked women who isn't my wife ever again. I even felt depressed for a while trying to accept that and every now and then I have bad days where I feel sad because I'm thinking about something I really enjoyed before that I now know I will never get to enjoy again.

But when I realized that this addiction had ruined my life in so many ways, how it had stolen so much of my valuable time and made me asocial, depressed and almost destroyed my relationship to my wife, I was finally able to go all in and do whatever it takes to recover. When you get to that point, it's very easy to answer questions like "is it okay to look at this hot girl and be aroused by her?" Even if you're not watching porn, I can assure you that triggers or other forms of visual stimulation (explained in my previous post) creates and sustains brain fog. Why? Because you're constantly feeding your brain, you're constantly activating the reward center of your brain with visual cues (like I wrote about in point 6 of the previous post. More on that in the links).

I think the best piece of advice I can give you right now, especially since I don't know you or your situation all that well, is be honest with yourself. Why are you doing this? Why are you giving up porn and what are you trying to achieve? What are you ready to sacrifice in order to achieve a true recovery? If you haven't already you can read all my thoughts on recovering from porn addiction in the first post of this thread (or by following the link in my signature). I think I would start there.

Sorry if I didn't answer your question but I don't think recovery is about whether you should stare at a hot girl or not. It's something much bigger and more life changing and once you start I think you'll know the answers yourself. If you have any other questions feel free to ask. We're all in this together and I truly want to help in any way I can! :)

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #48 on: January 10, 2016, 11:04:32 PM »
TheNewMe,   Thanks for this post about "redefining".  I appreciate the depth at which you are speaking to.  About what is the root of the addiction?  I agree about the focus on the counter, it can become an endurance test and can contribute to major let down and failure mentality. 

Thanks to for mentioning the perspective of the "male gaze".  I think that gets overlooked on this site.  Porn objectifies women (one of the reasons I am trying to stop) and if we stop porn use are we still objectifying the women we come into contact.  Many of these sites promote the "no porn but try to score with real women sort of mentality".   It is refreshing that you address this. 

I appreciate the perspective from Gracie too and the fact that your posts incorporate the perspective of our partners.  Having a partner through this really adds another dynamic. 

Take Care     


TheNewMe

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Re: My New Life
« Reply #49 on: January 25, 2016, 05:30:35 PM »
Somewhere around 120 Days - Status Update
So, I'm about 120 days into recovery - that's no PMO and using the No Arousal Method to the best of my ability. The 120 days haven't been perfect, but I didn't expect perfection either; I've had moments where I've looked at women on the street or at University and haven't exercised the discipline I want. I also had two afternoons when I was exhausted after work where I was checking out an indie movie streaming site (I'm a film student) and they had a bunch of amateur films rated Mature. No nudity was shown in the trailers, this being a 'serious' movie streaming site, but I still found excitement in looking at the trailers. I was still pretty far away from a full relapse and that's the closest I've been to a relapse in 120 days, but I'm still ashamed of it and I told my wife about it afterwards.

Anyway, since 120 days is a milestone for many I decided to write a status update.


Life in General and Life Vision
Before christmas I had two written exams but showed up for neither. I've always struggled with concentration, getting stuff done and remembering the things I actually do read. Due to these and a bunch of other symptoms, my wife urged me to try and find out if I could have dyslexia or ADHD/ADD or if there were other underlying issues that made it so difficult for me to study. I've always had trouble getting things done, but I've never been honest about it until now because I've been ashamed of it. Anyway, I finally took an ADHD/ADD test for adults which said it was very likely that I have ADD. I then talked to a counselor at school who asked a bunch of questions and in some ways confirmed what the test had shown. Next I went to see my doctor. I had two sessions with him, a general talk about my problems and a second where I took more tests and he looked through some 'homework' he'd given me during my first session. Based on our two talks he set up an appointment for a psychological test I'm scheduled to take in February and I'm not sure what happens after that. This is all very new to me.

Because of these issues that I've always struggled with I haven't gotten anywhere with my Life Vision. The main reason is that one of the more serious issues I have (I've come to realize lately) is the ability to get really excited about something for a very short time. Now this may not seem like such a huge issue, but when you're trying to plan your life and find something you wanna dedicate your life to, it's a huge issue and it's why I haven't really gotten anywhere with my Life Vision either. The fact that I'm soon to be 32 years old and I still haven't finished my bachelor degree in anything proves the issue. If you can't go all in on something, you're never gonna finish anything either.

So right now I feel like my life is a mess and the only thing I'm doing well at the moment is recovery from my addiction. I know I at some point have to sit down and figure out what should I make a living off of, what are only hobbies and what do I need to cut out of my life. Basically, prioritize! The problem, as explained, is that I can get really excited about something for a short while and think 'yes, this is what I should work with for the rest of my life!' and then a few months or just weeks later I've changed my mind again.

So that's why I haven't really gotten anywhere with my Life Vision and it makes it impossible for me to plan anything, not because a normal human being couldn't have planned a good day and getting a lot done even though he wasn't 100% sure about where he was going, but for me, everything I do requires a lot because of my concentration issues and a bunch of other ones, so for me to do something useful I have to have an 'all in' mentality and that takes a lot of time and effort which is why I rarely go all in on anything (wow, that's a long sentence...!). I often end up just sitting there doing nothing useful at all instead, which is certainly not helpful, but it's quite normal for people with ADD (even though I don't have the diagnosis yet, I have a lot of the same symptoms so I have to try and work on them even without the diagnosis).

The school counselor invited me to join a group of students with ADHD/ADD and I had my first session tonight. It was amazing to sit in a room with 9 other people who were basically describing everything I find so difficult, struggling with the same issues I do, the same bad habits and problems with school and so on. For the first time in my life I felt like I was normal, I had these things in common with other people. I'm not saying having these issues is a good thing, but it was kind of a relief to find out that I'm not alone :)


Married Life
So, I have my issues to figure out and I think about it a lot. I wouldn't say I'm often in a bad mood, I'm just not in a very good mood. I'm just... there, thinking about everything and not figuring anything out. In addition I started a part time job next to my studies – working at the on campus bookstore at the University I go to – which is great because I get to work with books, which I love, and some great people who are really nice – but it also means I'm exhausted when I get home. There's actually a lot of heavy lifting during a day at the bookstore and I'm in bad physical shape...

My wife has gone through a lot as well; she has a back issue she's never gonna get rid of and whenever it flares up she needs treatment by a physical therapist and a lot of rest. Her work situation is unstable which means our financial situation is a bit unstable and she recently had a medical procedure that was painful but hopefully will be a positive in the future.

All in all, we haven't had too much time to each other after christmas and we haven't had too much sex either. So it's difficult to say too much about an improved sex life yet, but I do have stronger and longer erections and I get aroused by her a lot easier. The other day she just asked me if I wanted her to join me in the shower and that was enough to get a semi :) So, I do see improvement in that department at least.


Recovery/Reboot
First of all, I don't feel a huge difference. Reaching 120 days isn't going to magically solve any issues and I know I still have a long way to go. In regards to women, both on a screen and on the street. I know I have to stay disciplined and not stare at their bodies; it's a huge trigger for me and there are a lot of beautiful college girls where I now work. But, at the very least, reaching 120 days gives me extra motivation. The last time the thought of relapse entered my mind the thought of 120 days vs 0 was very motivating and as soon I got that clear in my head, that I'm not going to go back to 0 ever again, I was quick to shut down the internet and remove myself from my computer.

It also feels like the longer I walk clean without relapses, the further away from a possible relapse I get. It feels like the road back to porn and relapsing is a lot longer and more difficult now than when I started, or within the first week or two after my last relapse back in September. So in some way maybe my brain is destroying those super highways to porn I used to have and is having to use the windy mountain paths that gives me plenty of time to figure out that I don't want to go down this road and stop myself. Lots of road analogies there, but heck, whatever helps me visualize or explain it I guess :)


Conclusion
I have an early class tomorrow so I have to go to bed. Hopefully this made any sense. I don't feel like this post was all AWESOME NEWS! 120 DAYS MAKES EVERYTHING 1000 TIMES BETTER! Maybe it wasn't all that good either, but I have to be 100% honest with myself about the recovery. As soon as I start to lie to myself, make excuses or compromises, that's when I'm in trouble and I'm heading straight back to porn.

I do believe though that my recovery is working. I've never reached 120 days before in my life, not since before I started looking at naked women as a teenager. At least that's progress. The positive benefits I'm sure are around the corner somewhere, I'm just not sure how long it takes me to round the corner.

The next two weeks though I think I'm gonna need some support on here. My wife leaves tomorrow to visit her dad and will be gone for almost two weeks. That's two weeks home alone with full access to anything and many days where I'll get home exhausted from work and school. So I definitely needs to stay sharp and honest. But I know I can do it. I know you got my back ;)