Author Topic: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them  (Read 11760 times)

TobyTob

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #75 on: December 01, 2015, 01:01:01 AM »
Day 57 no PMO. So it was the first day back at school after the break, and my day was decent other than the fact that it was really cold and rainy and I forgot my umbrella...so that was fun. Found out I aced my third biology exam, one more and I'm done. These next two weeks are finals, so I gotta crank it out, then it's time for winter break  ;D Anyway, I had no urge to PMO, there was a brief period where I wanted to MO...but that's everyday, but I control myself, because I don't want to make MO a habit. Spent some quality time with my baby cousin, and she's adorable as always. I don't have too much stress on me right now which is good, but I'm sure it'll catch up with me once finals hit. Usually I'd get to sleep in tomorrow because I don't have classes till late afternoon, but I have a morning meeting, so that blows. Grateful for another day, grateful that I'm better off than I was 57 days ago. Have a good one guys, keep on truckin.

TobyTob

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #76 on: December 01, 2015, 10:31:09 PM »
Day 58 no PMO. I remembered my umbrella today :) you don't understand how much of a difference that makes on my mood haha. So I had to wake up early for a meeting, specifically a software tutorial class. Seven people were registered to attend...I was the only one who showed up; awkward at first, but I appreciated having one on one with an instructor. I had 5 hours or so to kill. I was reading my assignments in the library and I spotted a friend, so we studied together, then I went to get lunch with her and her boyfriend (they're both friends from home). After, I finished my studies, then I played Assassins Creed, then went to my class. So my day was relatively uneventful, it was just a chill day. There was a moment of serious urge to PMO about an hour ago, for some reason I was like...it wouldn't be bad would it? Then I was like...dude of course it would, wtf are you thinking? Oh yeah...I quit porn. The fact that I so easily thought about it kinda worried me, so I can't let my guard down. Part of me wants to get rid of my counter because I feel like it's just waiting to be reset, why do I have a counter if I never want to watch porn again? Deep thoughts...well that's it for today, have a good one and keep on truckin.

TobyTob

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #77 on: December 03, 2015, 12:57:39 AM »
Well this is embarrassing, and it sucks. As you can see my counter is reset. I'm honestly feeling a deep shame that I let myself down like this. That's 58 days no PMO down the drain, the problem is, I knew the consequences and I didn't seek help at the critical point of decision, and so I suffered for it. I have to cut it off right here right now, I can't let a chaser effect get to me. I think the MO a few days ago definitely didn't help my situation, so MO is definitely staying out of the picture for this next go around. I think I just need to accept the fact that I need to heal before I can even start thinking about romantic relationships, and I'll have to go through the pain, however long it takes. I need to train myself to seek support when I start thinking like this. My mind is just jumbled right now as I'm trying to think of ways to better prepare myself. I think I just need to let this wash over me, and move on, and start again with the attitude I had when I first started this journey. Already I'm thinking about PMOing again, this isn't good. Tomorrow could either go really good or really bad, as always, thanks for reading, and keep on truckin.

CrazyGopher

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #78 on: December 03, 2015, 07:08:51 AM »
Hi TobyTob,

I have felt that embarrassment when posting after a reset too :-[, many times. But it is so much better to post than to turn away from this forum, to turn away from the help and support that is available here. So I am glad that you let us know what's going on, and if you feel shame, perhaps it will help to know that there is no judgement here. We are not here to criticize, but only to help you get back on your feet and succeed.

You have been so committed to this process, reaching out to others and posting every day! That is true dedication, and it is inspiring. There are many lurkers here who never post, but they, too, have been watching your progress and have been inspired by your commitment and dedication.

That is why it is wonderful that you are thinking about what led up to this reset, and how you can make it different next time. That is so important. Someone shared this on another reboot forum recently:

Quote
Some users are phenomenal when it comes to introspection and able to pinpoint with razor accuracy what led to the relapse. Those are also some of the most successful rebooters here in my opinion.

Good luck, my friend. Hope you stay strong through the chaser, and perhaps try to come here first if you are thinking about PMOing again? It could make the difference.

CG
« Last Edit: December 03, 2015, 09:56:53 AM by CrazyGopher »

TobyTob

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #79 on: December 03, 2015, 03:07:17 PM »
Hi TobyTob,

I have felt that embarrassment when posting after a reset too :-[, many times. But it is so much better to post than to turn away from this forum, to turn away from the help and support that is available here. So I am glad that you let us know what's going on, and if you feel shame, perhaps it will help to know that there is no judgement here. We are not here to criticize, but only to help you get back on your feet and succeed.

You have been so committed to this process, reaching out to others and posting every day! That is true dedication, and it is inspiring. There are many lurkers here who never post, but they, too, have been watching your progress and have been inspired by your commitment and dedication.


That is why it is wonderful that you are thinking about what led up to this reset, and how you can make it different next time. That is so important. Someone shared this on another reboot forum recently:

Quote
Some users are phenomenal when it comes to introspection and able to pinpoint with razor accuracy what led to the relapse. Those are also some of the most successful rebooters here in my opinion.

Good luck, my friend. Hope you stay strong through the chaser, and perhaps try to come here first if you are thinking about PMOing again? It could make the difference.

CG

Thanks man, you have no idea how much that means to me...really, which is why I feel like an asshole right now. I woke up with morning wood, and my mind was set on watching porn. I actually came on here and read your post and I was so ready to just put the computer away. I then did a mental battle between no PMO and PMO, I literally looked at the ceiling for 5 minutes, debating it all in my head....unfortunately I lost the battle and I PMO'd again, so technically that's twice in less than 12 hours. I went on a walk with my dogs and it was a very sobering experience because I got to think about what I need to do differently about this whole thing. I came back to my house with a positive attitude, ready to start again...I'll never stop fighting, ever. You're post is not something I'll just be reading once, I'll keep coming back to it because it's words really do mean so much, thank you.

Wolfman

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #80 on: December 03, 2015, 07:54:36 PM »
Dude, you did 59 days. You've done that once, you can do it again! You got this. You know you've been down that road too many times you know it leads you exactly where you don't want to be.

TobyTob

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #81 on: December 03, 2015, 11:29:08 PM »
Day 0 no PMO. This as absolute bullshit. I've managed to PMO three times in less than 24 hours, I feel like an animal to be honest; once last night, this morning, and 5 minutes ago. Here's how I'm going to describe my situation: It's as if I've awoken a starving beast and it won't be satisfied till its undone everything I've done in the past 59 days. One part of my brain is feeding this thing, while the other part is screaming in the background to stop. I still feel shame, but right now I'm just pissed because one, I PMO'd, and also because you guys are saying these freaking awesome really supportive things and I'm basically saying "fuck you" by PMOing anyway, and it just...bothers me, because it's not fair to you guys. It's like my brain is on autopilot right now and all it can think about is porn, that somehow my life will be better with it. It feels like the past 59 days didn't even happen.
Ok, rant over. Now to the more positive thinking. I'm extremely proud of what I've accomplished so far, and the fact that I relapsed made me want to quit even more. Thank you so much to the guys on here who support me and don't pass judgement. I don't want to drag anybody down with my failures, and that's why I refuse to give up, even though I fail and fail again and again, my drive to fight has never changed. So here's to my future: I'm fighting for my future wife...that's honestly my core reason. I don't want to have porn in the way of a happy marriage, or a healthy sex life. I also want to be better to gain control over my own body, and to bring me closer with God. I need to keep myself in an environment that refuses to let me relapse. I would honestly love suggestions guys if you have any. Thanks for not losing faith in me guys, and please, if you have blogs leave the link in a reply so I can cheer you guys on because as corny as it is, we're all in this together. I also have a confession to make, I'm 18. I chose the older blog section because this section seemed to show a little more drive, dedication, and activity, while the younger age blogs weren't very active and not many communicated with each other. I hope that's ok with you guys. As always, thanks for reading and keep on truckin.

TobyTob

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #82 on: December 05, 2015, 01:30:04 AM »
Day 1 no PMO. Today was great as compared to yesterday. I didn't have any temptations really, but mostly because I avoided triggers like being alone, at home, or bored. I had class, and I was on campus all day, drove home, saw a movie with a friend, and now I'm spending the night at a buddy's so...definitely not thinking about PMO or MO. Hopefully this sets the pace once more to end this addiction for good. Night guys, keep on truckin.

TobyTob

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #83 on: December 06, 2015, 02:36:52 AM »
Day 2 no PMO. Wow, it sucks seeing my number reset but anyway, I'm on track again. Today was me mum's birthday and I just had a great day spending the day with her and my dad. Because I'm a poor college student, I bought her flowers and made her nice card. She appreciated it very much. I spent most of the afternoon decorating the house for Christmas with me mum, which is great, just a little frustrating because she's very specific and OCD about where things are put, but I still enjoyed it. We went out to dinner and my dad treated us very well there...that dinner bill was savage though. Came back and I binged on netflix till 2 in the morning...and that's my day. Didn't really have an urge to MO or PMO, it crossed my mind, thought about it, and let it pass. I'm getting a bit of a sore throat, and I hope I'm not getting sick because this is finals week, and this is that last thing I need right now. Day 3 here I come, thanks for reading guys, keep on truckin.

TobyTob

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #84 on: December 07, 2015, 01:42:55 AM »
Day 3 no PMO. So today ended my weekend, and it was just a really good, solid day. Had church, which I always enjoy, and it was a special service that involved Christmas hymns and stuff, so it was a lot of fun. Spent the day studying for my finals, watching some netflix, chilling with the father, then we had another birthday dinner for my mom because my brother and his girlfriend didn't get to come out last night for her actual birthday, so that was nice. I didn't have really any urge today to MO or PMO just because I was in such a good mood and kept myself busy. I'm preparing for finals and it's a wee bit stressful, but I know I'll do my best. Going to a football game party tomorrow night, so I'm looking forward to that, Cowboys v. Reskins...go Skins btw. That's all I have for now, thanks for reading guys, keep on truckin.

Andre1

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #85 on: December 26, 2015, 06:19:09 PM »
Hi toby, i've been out of the forum for a long time and also relapsed after two months without PMO. I wish you the best, really.
  It's tough, if i had a good suggestion to give you, i would be the first one, but i think the answers are more in ourselves then in other peoples advices. I don't know if that count as advice, hehehe.
  But honestly, caring less about what other people say and doing what really makes me happy is helping me feel better about the reset.

mtaha2015

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #86 on: December 27, 2015, 11:01:39 AM »
toby how are you feeling now?

TobyTob

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Re: I gotta get rid of this
« Reply #87 on: November 04, 2016, 04:49:53 PM »
Well its been almost a year since I posted. I relapsed, I went back to watching gay porn and masturbating almost everyday, sometimes twice a day; right now it's at about 4-5 times a week, not terrible. Anyway, porn is kind of something that's just there, like it's just desperate to hold on, but in the end I know I'll triumph. The truth is I simply went back to it because I liked to watch it, it feels good, and I was stressed. Since I stopped posting my life has changed more or less for the better. I'm not longer in school, where I was pursuing my bachelors in biology, and hoping to enroll in ROTC to in order to get scholarship. Long story short ROTC didn't work out, and I think it was the right thing. I was in the best shape of my life however, because I was training, and regrettably since I changed the course of my life, I do little to no exercise, and I have horrible eating habits (whole pizza's, ice cream, bread, bread, bread and more bread, I love bread omg don't even get me started). I'm not unhappy however, I'm just tired of dragging this weight around. I currently work full time as an optician, with aspiration to become licensed, save money, got back to school and get my bachelors and eventually get into optometry school. I currently live at home, and have a very small group of friends. Most days I work, and my free time involves hanging out with friends, reading, being with my family, and of course...porn. I'm a devout Christian, however I could be much better. Since last year, I have acquired a girlfriend! I've known her for a long time, it was just working up the courage to ask her out. I like her A LOT, and she is probably the biggest motivation for me to stop watching porn. And you might ask, "huh a guy who watches gay porn, but has a girlfriend? Sounds like he's in denial." In my last posts I went a little more in depth, but the main point is, porn has twisted my tastes in sexual attraction. I am predominately sexually attracted to men, but extremely emotionally attracted to women, and in turn can build up a sexual attraction to said woman. I do admit my bi-sexuality, and that will forever be a lifetime struggle. My girlfriend is aware of this, as well as my porn watching habits, and she is supportive of me trying to quit...obviously (not sure any girlfriend would want their boyfriend to be addicted to pornography). If I ever marry, I want to be sure I'm free of porn, both as a man of God, and to promote a healthy sexual relationship with my wife. I have no problem achieving an erection...with porn that is. In real life situations, it is much more difficult, but I honestly haven't had too much real life experience to begin with, both my girlfriend and I agree that we wouldn't have sex till marriage. Anyway...here is my post, and I will try and post as frequently as possible, and hope that my journey may bring renewed strength to others. Cheers.

TobyTob

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #88 on: November 05, 2016, 10:10:38 PM »
Agent Toby checking in,

Not too much exciting stuff happened today. My morning was a blur, no morning wood I don't think. Got up early-ish, no breakfast, drove straight to work. I worked 9am-7pm, and customers were relatively well mannered today, which is always a plus. Over these past few months I've gotten better at telling if a girl is flirting with me, and today it was almost overwhelming, because first off, I'm the only guy that works in our optical department, and I'm not trying to sound like a jerk but I don't look too shabby. It just makes me feel awkward when I have to deal with someone who is flirty cause I feel like porn has made me slightly socially awkward....but I have to force myself to communicate because it's kind of my job. Anyway, there isn't a lot of time to think about porn at work, which is good I guess, in that it hasn't invaded my work life. However I definitely people stare, and I get a lot of sexual thoughts when I see someone attractive, and I work in retail....so I see a lot of people, not to mention I stare into people's eyes for a living, so when I have to look into their eyes it's like "oh damn, you're attractive AND I have to look into your eyes. Anyway, after work I met the gf for coffee at starbucks and we did a little bible study and then did some late night grocery shopping. I love how easy it is to talk to her, I love being with her! Which pushes even more to get rid of porn because I don't want to hurt her by disrespecting her and myself with it. But I'm so tired, working 10 hour shifts sucks...like I used to work at a movie theater with 12 hour long shifts that were much more physically taxing, BUT STILL. Saw Hacksaw Ridge last night...highly recommend, Mel Gibson at his finest. Gonna go see Dr. Strange tomorrow night, so I'm super pumped about that. Thought about working out tomorrow morning but I already know it's not gonna happen. DEAR GOD I WANT THIS ELECTION TO BE OVER (sorry - random rant). Alright mah peeps, don't forget to set your clocks back; see ya when I see ya.

TobyTob

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Re: I got 99 problems, and porn is a majority of them
« Reply #89 on: November 07, 2016, 12:04:58 AM »
Good evening,

My morning started out quite crappy, just a crap mood, for a crap morning, just a lot of crap. No real reason why, I was just feeling crappy...probably cause I had to work on a Sunday. Had morning wood for sure...quite powerful haha. Anyway, no inclination to PMO, but I know this is how it starts, and it gets a lot harder. The way I failed before is I was like "well if I masturbate without porn this I'll just stop watching porn all together" thing is that when you've been a porn addict for 7ish years, you need a little more stimulation. My streak last time was like 52 days or something, and this is why I refuse to have a day counter on my profile, because I feel like it's just waiting to be broken. So if having that counter motivates you, then by all means keep it, for me however I'm looking for more than just a high score, but a permanent fix, everyday without PMO is a victory. Until tomorrow then, so long.