Author Topic: My Shadow  (Read 1663 times)

Keyblade Keeper

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My Shadow
« on: September 27, 2015, 12:22:01 AM »
For the record, I decided to name this journal after one of my best friends who used the term "shadow" to characterize the demons he and I have struggled through. I figured what better term to use than that to describe my journey?

A little about me...I'm 22 years old, graduated from undergraduate university this past May. I am planning on medical school in the future but I procrastinated too much on my apps to have made the cut for this year so I'm back at home with my family.

I discovered porn before puberty, and used to just watch it for hours and hours without touching myself at all. My parents caught me and called it smut and would ground me for watching it, which only drove me to watch it more. When I masturbated it was using a Death Grip, without lube, and very fast because I wanted to minimize the chance of getting caught. I always worried that I would have ED since I discovered YBOP but I was a virgin up until last year...

I'm gay and have only been out since March of '14 (in fact, my self-discovery is what ended my last attempt at rebooting). It was an exhilarating experience to finally have some sexual experiences. However, my worst fears came true: I have problems maintaining erections and cumming. I get rock solid boners when making out with a partner and when I please them, but whenever they start to touch my dick I usually get gradually softer and softer. I used to get embarrassed and just let my partner do the deed (i.e. I would bottom) and ignore my dick. Eventually I got better with cumming and was comfortable enough to jerk myself off, whether it was during sex or after. Only a few people have managed to make me cum without me jerking myself (and only if they jerk me). While I enjoy sex now, I can't truly relax and just let my worries/performance anxiety/thoughts go. Especially since I would like to top eventually but without a quality erection that is definitely unfeasible.

Looking around the web, it's more than just porn that is the problem here. I compulsively masturbate at least 1-2x daily, on average. My penis is desensitized from the number of times I've given myself abrasions from dry masturbation. Porn is definitely part of the problem, but there are other issues here too. In the past, I've demonized porn as the sole problem. Since I started seeing a therapist last year, she helped me realize that viewing something as completely "evil" just wastes energy and thoughts on the source...I am still trying to accept that porn can be useful to some people but to me...I need to minimize its use, cut back on masturbation, change how I masturbate, and try to let my poor dick rest and recover.

I had three long-term attempts at rebooting. My first was when I started college at 18. I managed somewhere around 21-25 days of complete abstinence (I can't remember) and passed the 100 day no-porn mark. But...I still used death grip and didn't feel recovered. And I was still hiding my homosexuality from myself so I felt I was failing because I didn't have sexual urges towards women. Attempt two was the following year, when I turned 19. I made it 32 days completely abstinent and around 70 days of no porn. I felt more alive that reboot than the previous one. But the stress of school made me start playing with myself to procrastinate and to relieve my stress. My third attempt was barely started, maybe 3 weeks in, of just trying to do no porn, with masturbation being done in a less-nuanced way. That whole thing was thrown out the window when I realized I was gay.

I am definitely aiming for 100 days of no porn. Masturbation I'm shooting for the same but I'm still a little unsure if I would count jerking off during sex as masturbation. Maybe I should still forego touching myself and urge my partner to play with me instead, and just enjoy the pleasure without necessarily needing to orgasm. In terms of sex in general though, I'm probably going to take a break and definitely take myself off of the hookup apps I'm using for now. I'm still a little unsure, especially since I have a friend who I could hook up with at any point I want to. To further promote penile sensitivity restoration, I'm considering making any "self love" time require me to use my Fleshlight to promote the body becoming used to non-masturbatory stimuli. I'm also trying to remember to use lotion on my dick daily to moisturize it and promote healthy nerve function. And, while I'm at it, I'm considering trying to restore my foreskin (manually, not through surgery). Of course my mom always says I dive headfirst into things without wading in slowly so maybe I should focus on just the abstinence piece first.

Sorry for the long post guys! Starting at day 0 right now (I decided to jump back in after my second PMO session today...) so the journey begins...tomorrow.
"The closer you get to light, the greater your shadow becomes."

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Keyblade Keeper

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Re: My Shadow
« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2015, 12:28:39 AM »
No Porn - 1

No Masturbation - 1

Not bad, though I can normally go a day or two without much effort. The biggest issues usually come in around the day 5-10 timespan.

Worked today and was busy most of the day so that helps. In the past, I've identified my biggest emotional triggers as when I'm stressed out, depressed/rejected, and when I'm bored and alone. I've been avoiding my normal masturbation seat on the couch, which hasn't been too difficult since I'm used to sitting on our chair recently (though the couch was always where I would go to masturbate).

Looking forward to getting back to the gym tomorrow (I missed my last workout because I was meeting a friend for a hookup/clubbing event on Friday) and to trying to pick up some hobbies other than jerking off and clubbing (which was really a means to find a hookup/maybe something more). I used to play guitar, and maybe am gonna get new strings to fix my acoustic guitar. Might teach myself to cook (I can bake really well but cooking has never been my forte). I'm still struggling with trying to meet more people my own age around here. There isn't much to do and I've lost contact with my high school friends. How does a 20-something meet people his own age without just going to a bar anyway? We don't have a rec center so I can't just join a recreational sport.
« Last Edit: September 29, 2015, 12:31:36 AM by Keyblade Keeper »
"The closer you get to light, the greater your shadow becomes."

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Re: My Shadow
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2015, 12:40:09 AM »
No Porn - 2

No Masturbation - 2

Another relatively easy day. Gym day! Lifting heavy stuff is great for my mood always. Had a couple moments where I remembered some things that I associated with certain PMO moments but easily shrugged off. Last night I ordered the device to start the even longer journey to restore my foreskin. I'm pretty sure that will take a minimum of two years for full results. But gotta start sometime if I want to restore it, huh?

Had a date (actually I'm not sure if it was a date. There was no flirting really or anything that made it seem more than just a hangout) with someone from online. It was okay but I'm not sure what I want from this: date, relationship, or friendship. My mom said that I always rush to label things and can't just let things develop naturally, so I'm trying to just think that I want to see him again and go from there.

Also got hit up by a friend of a friend (maybe my friend too?) implying he wants to hook up with me. Which is great but I had a hook up experience this past Friday that has sort of turned me off hooking up for a while. Plus, he's an exclusive bottom which means that without me having a functional dick, there will be no sex. And since he's a friend of a friend I'll have to see him again so I don't want things to be super awkward if I have an ED moment and freak out.

Oh well. Maybe I'll have more insight tomorrow.
"The closer you get to light, the greater your shadow becomes."

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Re: My Shadow
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2015, 02:01:11 AM »
No Porn - 3

No Masturbation - 3

Ended up seeing the friend of the friend today along with the regular friend. The friend of the friend was flirting with me and stuck his hand in my pants. He still really wants to hang out with me 1-on-1 and idk what to do. Sex during a reboot isn't a bad thing right? I'm worried still. YBOP says that a lot of people feel sex too soon is a setback. Then again, maybe it's just like with wet dreams, and the orgasm itself just brings back the Chaser effect and the cravings. Or maybe I could have sex with him and just try not to cum. Who knows. I've been getting erections more easily but that's just the horniness. I had a few moments where I really wanted to jerk off/watch porn so I still must stay vigilant.

Until tomorrow.
"The closer you get to light, the greater your shadow becomes."

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Re: My Shadow
« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2015, 02:52:21 AM »
No Porn - 4

No Masturbation - 4

Nothing much to say about today. Pretty horny all day, found my hand unconsciously playing with myself a bit but I stopped when I realized what I was doing each time. The device to restore foreskin arrived but apparently I was too tightly circumcised for it so I had to order another (more annoying) device to start the process. Hopefully that arrives soon.

My friend is coming by tomorrow and I'm trying to decide whether to have sex with him or not. I'm leaning towards yes, since he knows my hangups and ED/delayed ejaculation issues and has an issue with delayed ejaculation himself so there would be no pressure at all to cum (and it'd probably be a good thing if I didn't cum).

Who knows.
"The closer you get to light, the greater your shadow becomes."

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Re: My Shadow
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2015, 02:51:41 AM »
No Porn - 5

No Masturbation - 5

Friend came over. We hooked up, I jerked him till he came. He blew me a bit and jerked me ( I made sure to bring out the lube when he started to). He was only lightly playing with me and I got hard as a rock, like maybe I could've actually had sex. I got kind of close to cumming when he came and then he got the post-cum exhaustion and instead of pushing him into making me cum I decided to save it and keep chugging. It gave me a bit of a good feeling that light touch that didn't involve me using some breath control or tensing my entire body could still get me excited and close. I don't feel this is a setback but what do you guys think?

On the negative end of things I got waitlisted for school (again). I won't let it make me sink back into the PMO spiral though. No porn medication will be taken. But I feel like a worthless piece of shit for the moment.

Pray for me.
"The closer you get to light, the greater your shadow becomes."

My journal