Author Topic: Self Acceptance  (Read 31028 times)

Feetfirst

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #125 on: March 31, 2016, 10:58:40 AM »
Go Camus!! That is great news. Keep going. FF

camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #126 on: March 31, 2016, 06:09:37 PM »
Hey thanks FF, appreciate your support.

Sometimes I find myself considering a PMO session in a kind of auto pilot mode. I could be watching the TV, see a hottie, feel lustful, then kind of unconciously find that my mind wanders to porn without me even fully noticing.

I am only realising where my mind has been at this evening, since logging on to RN and thinking about how my day has gone. Porn addiction is a subtle foe.

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Feetfirst

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #127 on: April 01, 2016, 01:07:14 AM »
Indeed it is! It comes in from every angle. Ever mindful may your day be. FF

Jailbird

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #128 on: April 01, 2016, 10:32:57 AM »
A subtle for indeed. Well put. Laced with lethal toxins.

camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #129 on: April 01, 2016, 05:16:54 PM »
Ha! The subtle foe struck again this evening when I was at a friend's house. Socialising always involves a minor amount of stress for me and  at a couple of points in the evening, thoughts to use PMO entered my mind.

I acknowledge that these thoughts aren't what my true self wants to do  at all. These thoughts arise because a PMO session is a way I have used to de-stress for over 20 years! It is perfectly natural for me to have these thoughts at this early stage of recovery. However, I don't have to act out on these thoughts.

PORN IS NO LONGER AN OPTION...EVER




camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #130 on: April 02, 2016, 08:17:58 AM »
Quote
Do you want to prolong this addiction another 20 years? Could you be in your late 60's or even 70's still addicted? Do you really want to carry this into your 50's and beyond? Hasn't 20-plus years already been enough needless sorrow and suffering, time and energy lost to this thing?

This is a quote from a list somebody posted on this forum. Like this as struggling today and this quote helped me to see things in a different perpective. If I PMO today, it will set off a chain reaction. I know this to be true from my past experiences but I have a lot of sexual energy that I'm not sure what to do with.

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camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #131 on: April 02, 2016, 01:58:17 PM »
There is a to and fro war going on inside my head. Saw this hot girl at the gym this morning and it has been triggering me all day. I really feel in the danger zone today. Wow, this addiction is so powerful at times!

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camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #132 on: April 03, 2016, 10:24:32 AM »
I used so it's back to the beginning.

4 weeks seems to be the danger zone for me. I get triggered really easily.

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harry

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #133 on: April 03, 2016, 11:03:15 AM »
Hey Camus,

Congrats on the 4 weeks you acquired. It's admirable the way you bounce right back.


bob

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #134 on: April 03, 2016, 12:09:36 PM »
Yes, congratulations indeed! Your doing great.

Aren't triggers a pain in the ass?

Peace

Feetfirst

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #135 on: April 04, 2016, 04:11:34 AM »
Hey Camus, sorry to hear that. Well done on 4 weeks. That is a good achievement and a lot learned in that time. Well done for returning here. Get back in the saddle and recommit. Some useful suggestions: Do an analysis of the build up to acting out. Write it down. It is essential to make conscious the unconscious patterns that draw us back into our old behaviours. Break it down into as many different categories as you can. Conditions. Time. Place. Emotions. Social. Effect. Yourself. Others.  Work. Etc.
Often after acting out I am haunted by the imagery. If this is the case for you. Meditation can be very helpful in letting that go. I have lost count of how many times I have fallen off. No judgement. You are here and you are amazing for that. Pick up and keep going. FF

Jailbird

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #136 on: April 04, 2016, 06:37:56 AM »
That's a great idea ... To write down the events leading up to the acting out. I am at around 3 weeks nearly anmy libdio is now growing stalks and wanting to move out and find a place of its own.
PSubs set me up nicely andim genuinely scared of falling. If youbcan Camus, share with us what happened...it might just save a soul.
Well done you for getting right back to it and resting your coungers. Admirable!
JB

camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #137 on: April 04, 2016, 04:35:45 PM »
Many thanks guys for your support. It really means a lot to me.

4 weeks is when my libido seems to come back big time. On the day I relapsed, I went to the gym in the morning and a hot girl smiled at me. This set off a trigger which I kind of managed to overcome for the rest of that day by acknowledging the cravings. I think the main mistake I made was spending the whole day on my own working. I think if I'd arranged to meet people, I would have made it.

By the evening, I was really in need of a dopamine hit. I went for a walk and bought some cakes, thinking that a sugar rush would take the edge off things. It didn't so I then went out and bought some cigarettes ( I was 4 days off nicotine). After buying the cigarettes, my resolve pretty much weakened completely so I went to a porn site.

It was a completely futile exercise. These days I can only watch a few minutes of a video before I become bored. I PMOd that night and once the next morning. I always wake up with a craving to look again and I have to do it to get rid of the obsession.

Spent the rest of the day feeling thouroughly miserable and unable to do anything - zero motivation.

So what have I learned? I think I realised I was in the danger zone , the day I relapsed, but I didn't really do anything about it. I kind of hoped that I could get to bed without PMO and everything would be alright.

I have been after a really simple drill I can follow when I get in the danger zone which I'm going to try next time:

1. STOP, BREATHE, CHECK FEELINGS
2. Meditate
3. Go for walk
4. Knowledge

By Knowledge I mean sites like RN, Your Brain On Porn, and articles about addition etc. I do find that learning about this addiction when I am experiencing cravings, does help me.

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AndyNJ

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #138 on: April 04, 2016, 09:14:30 PM »
You still sound strong, Camus, despite the slip.  I think FF has some great advice: write down the triggers.  Sounds like you've done that so you've gained something.  Keep going! 4 weeks was great.

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #139 on: April 05, 2016, 01:18:16 AM »
You seem to have both the knowledge and the insight necessary to execute your plan. Good luck! Go easy. The guilt and shame about the past hasn't really helped me. My focus is the future and that next short term goal. You've got it!

camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #140 on: April 05, 2016, 05:42:33 PM »
Thanks Andy NJ and B+.

I think I have to be more careful over the next few weeks. Found myself minimising the slip because it wasn't as 'bad' as it has been in the past. Thing is, I know full well that my porn use always escalates as it is impossible to satisfy the porn beast.

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camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #141 on: April 06, 2016, 05:13:54 PM »
A good day overall, although I have had thoughts of using. My brain is still minimising porn. This is clearly the addiction talking.

Very tired, just thought I should come to RN and check in before bed.

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camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #142 on: April 07, 2016, 03:17:17 PM »
Porn is such an easy fix for unwanted feelings. It's a short cut to momentary relief and then we have to return to reality. I keep thinking about using and then when I follow it through, it loses its appeal. Relapsing last weekend seems to have weakened my resolve somewhat.

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AndyNJ

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #143 on: April 18, 2016, 10:00:55 PM »
Like you, my use always escalates, so admitting that and reminding oneself of it in moments of weakness is a great way to avoid relapse.  At least I'm going to try it!

camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #144 on: May 02, 2016, 06:05:33 AM »
I have been a member of this forum since September last year and I am one day clean. I need to take some drastic and positive action because I can't do this cycle of relapse anymore. I feel like giving up, but if I do, I will never be happy.

I speak from my heart here, but my only wish is to be free of this addiction. Because I know that if I am free of this addiction, I will be free to build a happy life.

I am thinking of going for hypnotherapy as I have heard that it works for other addictions like smoking. So why not porn?

Was wondering if any of you guys have tried hypnotherapy or are considering it?

 

camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #145 on: May 07, 2016, 08:02:19 AM »
Well I'm taking the plunge. I've got a hypnosis session booked next week. It's costing me a small fortune but I'm sick and tired of living like this. I don't care what it costs. I just want to be rid of this addiction.

In preparation for the session I am writing a kind of life story. As I was writing, tears welled up in my eyes. I can really see that the root cause of my addiction goes back to childhood, before I even knew what porn was.

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #146 on: May 09, 2016, 11:41:37 PM »
Just wanted to say well done for sticking at it, Camus. I can see you are in the grip of the biggest struggle of your life, but you are chipping away at it. Even if you can't get past 4 weeks yet, that's still a major achievement. That's 4 weeks at a time that you are free of the dopamine rush. It must be helping your brain to have those breaks. I don't think relapsing means you are back to square one. After all, "normal" people look at porn from time to time without wrecking their brain. If you went 4 weeks between relapses every time, that would mean you only had 12 dopamine baths a year instead of 1000 - that's gotta make a difference. It might be that you need to struggle with this for a bit longer before you can master it, but eventually your brain will let go of it if you can replace it with better things in your life.

I'm right at the beginning. I just went my first week without porn before I relapsed last night after discovering a forgotten folder on my computer. I have deleted it now. I have deleted all traces of porn on my computer - and got rid of all the bookmarks to websites. I am only just starting to realise that I have a problem that I never thought was a problem. I always thought it was just a release with no consequences. But now I can see that I've lost a great deal of time to porn. And I've affected my relationships with porn. No girl can live up to the images porn puts in your mind. I think I can probably cut porn out of my life 99% but something in the back of my mind tells me that there will be moments when I succumb. I need to read more and understand this problem more deeply. The tricky thing is that I'm in a relationship and I don't want to burden her with this. I want to find a way to fix this without stressing her out. She is unaware of it because so far I have not suffered from PIED - but she doesn't know how much my mind wanders during sex. I want to be present with her and not off in fantasy land. At this point, I'll be happy to even reach 4 weeks like you have!

All the best!

camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #147 on: August 02, 2016, 06:04:03 AM »
This addiction, and the others I've had before, are truly gifts when all is said and done. They have all in some way pointed me to the real problem - the mind. If I conquer this addiction, and fail to deal with the mind, I will simply take up another addiction.

Of course, maybe it will be a healthy one, such as going to the gym, setting up a business etc etc. However, I will still need to address the fact that I am always trying to escape the present moment somehow, whether through good means or bad.

What am I running away from? Why the continual need to either dwell in the past or live for some future illusory time when all will be well?

In this way, I don't think I am that much different from non-addicts. Most people are caught up in their minds. However, addicts tend to have more extreme ways of getting temporary relief from the mind.

« Last Edit: August 02, 2016, 06:05:48 AM by camus »

bob

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #148 on: August 02, 2016, 10:28:50 AM »
camus,

So good to hear from you as it has been a while.

What am I running away from? Why the continual need to either dwell in the past or live for some future illusory time when all will be well?

I too am trying to understand this part of the addiction. I use because I feel the need to self medicate. What is it in my own life that makes me want to run away from the reality of day to day life. Sure the dopamine rush is intense and the pathways have been set but what was it that first made me want to escape.

I personally feel the counseling has been a great help for me. Recently my counselor moved out of town. She suggested someone else but I initially felt like I really didn't want to start over and open my life to someone new. Now, I feel like that will be an important step; one that I need to continue to really learn what is going on. I haven't heard back to set up the appointment but I am hoping I will soon.

Peace to you my friend.

camus

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Re: Self Acceptance
« Reply #149 on: August 06, 2016, 05:24:16 AM »
Hey Bob, good to hear from you too. Glad we're both still in the battle :-)

I think it is part of being human, that makes us want to escape from life. I have recently become interested in how the mind works and I am finding out that addicts and non addicts have the same mind mechanism in place, the need to escape for a bit. Whether you're a workaholic or a porn addict or a gym nut, doesn't make much difference to me. They all involve some form of running away, although I admit, some behaviours are more destructive than others.

I think that the answer for me is to become more aware about what my mind is doing. There have been so many times in the past, where I have 'sleep walked' into a relapse. In fact, I'd go as far to say, that I become 'unconscious'.

But I am also often 'unconscious' outside of the arena of porn addiction, in my day to day life.

At the moment, I am trying more to become the 'watcher' of the mind, rather than be caught up in it. This is after reading a book called the 'Power of Now' which. although classed as a 'spiritual' book, has some practical ideas for addiction recovery.

Peace to you too Bob and I hope the counselling goes well.