Author Topic: Getting through this (Read 9127 times)

Slider · « **on:** September 22, 2015, 11:36:09 AM »

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and just figuring out how to use this forum and community as a support.

I decided to create an account because I just figured out that going through this journey alone isn't probably do it. I'm not the kind of guy who loves blogging or even spending time on Facebook so that is why I have waited so long before creating an account, but I guess that if I want to stop failing I have to take more drastic actions towards my goal. So here is the first step ; Getting involved.

I don't exactly know how to start this journal, but I guess I could do like others and tell a bit about myself. So I think I have started watching internet porn around 17 and I didn't mind it at the time. I was thinking that every other guy was doing it and that there was absolutely no problem doing it. And there wasn't any problem at the time. Looking back, I find it hard to tell when things went wrong, but I think it started during University. I just had a bad breakup during school that I didn't see coming and it took me long to get over it. As I was going through University, pressure and stress really started to grow and I think that's when PMO became an escaping behavior, a stress reliever. Next thing I knew I was hooked, I was addicted to porn and I was jerking more and more often.

I know my use of porn is bad because I really hate it! I hate porn! I might not be on some fetish or crazy things like other guys (or girls I should not forget) but still I'm tired of it. It's time for some changes in my life. PMOing keeps me from facing my problems, it is jerking my brain, and taking me way too much time. I just hate it right now and want a damn porn-free life. I want to get things done, move with my life, get in a serious relationship, stop losing so much time in front of a damn computer and learn to deal with stress. It's been almost a year since I have started my journey and I'm struggling right now. I am proud to say that I was able to stay clean during two months twice, but for the past few weeks it's been really bad and I think I'm starting to loose faith. My will power is weakening. I need new tools and support so I guess this is the right place to begin with.

I will try to write on a daily basis for now because I'm back on spending a week without PMOing. Feel free to write to me and give me some advices but I won't mind if you don't. I'm starting this journal to commit myself and make my mind clearer. Writing down thoughts does help, but I'm still feeling shitty right now. Clearly not proud of myself for still being stuck in my PMO addiction but I guess there's no point of bashing myself. I can get out of it and I know I will. Just need some time, support and efforts.

Well, I think I will end it here because I don't want it to become too long.

Peace you all,
Staying strong and see you next time.

Slider · « **Reply #1 on:** September 23, 2015, 10:22:24 AM »

Day 1:

Yesterday, I was so pissed at myself after PMOing that I decided to register and start this journal. Today is day one and I will stay clean because I have absolutely no desire to delve back into porn. Porn is real sh*t. Nothing good is coming out of it. This day will be the first day of a new streak, let's hope a 90 day streak. I guess I just needed a good kick in the ass to get back on track.

This forum is really helpful. Speaking and opening yourself about your porn addiction helps accepting it and getting over the shame that comes with it. Cause let's say it, addiction problems are not things that you usually brag about. It is not really well seen in society. Acceptance is the first step through rehabilitation, but the first thing people usually try to do is hide the situation to others. What would they f*cking think of me if they knew that I'm a porn addict?!? No one want others to think that you are having troubles, that you are weak or just having a bad time. But lying and hiding usually leads you into a vicious circle that just adds to the initial problem. Speaking really helps because it gets things out, makes your mind clearer, helps you get over the shame and accept the problem. But it's not everyone that's got someone to talk to. Take myself for example :

- Parents : don't have the kind of parents that you have these kinds of talks with.
- Sister : we are not close enough to share information about our sexual lives. It would be kind of awkward to me.
- Friends : I have some friends that I know for years and that I'm really close to, but even if they would probably not judge me, I believe you cannot really understand how it feels like if you did not live it yourself.

So that's why I think this forum is so awesome. It's a place where you know you won't be judged and that people will understand you because they have all passed through the same things as you did.

I think this will be enough for today.

Peace you all,
see you next time

asteptolife · « **Reply #2 on:** September 23, 2015, 11:24:10 AM »

Hi. That is true. Being around here this forum meeting people we kind of relate to at least as far as the addiction goes, we don't feel lonely in our fight against pmo addiction.
I also find keeping a counter very helpful, the kind u see just below this post. It kind of motivates me to continue.
Hope you do well the coming days. Keep going.

Slider · « **Reply #3 on:** September 24, 2015, 08:38:36 AM »

Hi,

Yeah... I don't really want one of those automatic counters. I do count my days. I have my own old school counter, a calendar on which I cross the days that I have stayed clean and circle the ones that I have PMOed. I update it every morning. It helps me visualise how am I doing. It helps me figure out if I am progressing from weeks to weeks and months to months.

Thanks for the cheers buddy.
Stay strong.

Slider · « **Reply #4 on:** September 24, 2015, 09:16:26 AM »

Day 2 :

Today is day two. For now everything is doing well. I think I'm still surfing on some anger waves. I think I really reached the bottom of it all a few days ago. It will be a year, at the end of October, that I have started this NoFap journey and I did do real good progress. I mean, getting twice two whole months without watching porn or fapping. That was a great achievement! I am proud of it. But when I look at my calendar, there are more days that I have PMOed than that I have stayed clean on September. WTF man! What did you do?!? After all I have read, I know that jerking to porn is not what I want. So why the f*ck did I do it? I don't know, but it just pissed me a lot when I realised what I had done. To me, it was just getting at the bottom. Could not get lower than where I was.

So, is it healthy to have all this negative energy? To be honest, probably not. But let's see things on the right side, for now, it keeps me away from porn. I don't seem to be craving it for now. So, in a sense, it is a good thing. But I know that time will pass, things will go on and I will forget about it all. I just want to make sure that I don't lower my defense too much, because otherwise, we all know what happens. I will try to keep writing this journal, it can be handy for that.

Peace you all.
See you tomorrow.

LifeIsGreat · « **Reply #5 on:** September 24, 2015, 02:14:12 PM »

So you've started NoFap a year ago and you're still struggling?

What did you tell yourself when you first start? 'NoFap? Well, let's try that and see how far I can go?'

I may have less experience than you do my attitude toward NoFap might be different. You see, many persons consider NoFap to be difficult because deep in their mind they always consider the possibility of a failure. But what if you said yourself in the first place: 'From now on, P, M and O aren't an option I have anymore'.

I'm not failing in this challenge because failing isn't an option I have since I watching Porn or Masturbating isn't something I do anymore.

I ask you to forget everything about P, M and O, but that terrible feeling you get when you relapse!

What's hard about NoFap is experiencing all these new feelings, jumping cold turkey in a new life!

Man, you know the stuff, you know how bad PMO can be, it's your past now, there's only days of success in from of you!
Your last relapse is the last day you PMOed and that's not a day your going to regret.

Your new life started two days ago, welcome in the ranks of the successful NoFappers!!

Slider · « **Reply #6 on:** September 25, 2015, 03:09:20 PM »

Day 3 :

Everything is still doing well. It's Friday and there's a nice fall weekend coming up, but let's not lose focus.

So here are my golden rules to help me no Fap :

1 - Keep your hands off your genitals ;

Pretty basic, I had said!

2 - Stay away from the computer unless you have some specific tasks to do ;

Wandering on the Internet because you are bored isn't a good habit. There is sexual content everywhere and you don't want to be triggered.

3 - No computer after dinner ;

Sounds kind of childish, but after analysing my relapses, most of them occurred at night, in my bedroom, in front of my laptop. So... now I just put it away and do not allow myself to use it.

Hope this could inspire some of you,
Peace

BeastMode · « **Reply #7 on:** September 25, 2015, 09:49:07 PM »

Hi slider!

I have also that kind of mindset before. I want to eradicate sexual desires if they are not on the place. But hey, I discovered that I am really a sexual person and urges continues to start up even if I don't want to feel them that time. I don't know what to do before but after researches and readings, I discovered the power of transmuting my sexual energies in to productive ones! I use urges to productive ones; I use urges as prime motivation to my goals and dreams when I feel it.

Fire up bro! Understand that men are really driven by sex and use it into your advantage!

Slider · « **Reply #8 on:** September 27, 2015, 04:18:45 PM »

Hey,

It's funny you talk about « transmutation ». I have heard a little bit about it and I have mixed feelings about it. Yeah, I agree that transmutation is better than oppressing your sexual feelings. Way better I had said! But to me sexual desire is, and will always stay, sexual desire. I mean, at best, it will push me towards meeting new girls and getting into a relationship. Isn't what sexual drive is meant for? Pushing you towards meeting plausible life partners (or spreading your genes on a biological point of view).

Good if you can use all that sexual energy that's inside you to do other things and get your life going. But why aren't you motivated in the first place?!? See what I mean?

But anyway, if the hat fits you, it's all great. I respect that, but I'm just not really into it for now.

Peace

Slider · « **Reply #9 on:** September 27, 2015, 04:43:47 PM »

Day 5 :

I know I just skipped day 4. I was away from home yesterday. I came back late and I didn't want to go on the computer before going to bed.

Now, my brain is craving dopamine. I feel it. I don't have the urge to watch porn or fap (that's a good thing though), but I'm actually feeling the craving. I've been there a few times before and I know that it's just part of the rehabilitation process. You cannot make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. I mean, there will be some drawbacks and you got to accept it. It wouldn't be a challenge otherwise. Time will pass and it will eventually fade away. I'm just slowly getting back on track.

Staying strong,
Peace

BeastMode · « **Reply #10 on:** September 27, 2015, 04:59:15 PM »

Yep. I really admire the point that sexual urges are about meeting girls and I really agree with you. But have you ever wondered, why men do need achievements? Its giving biological superiority which means if I have more achievements, many women will like me and I can get laid(Don't get me wrong, this is classical amd we are in the moderm age) Men in the classical era have this mentality, more resources means I can sustain a family.

From this, I have concluded, sexual urges are meant for men to be productive (I'm not sure about women) to get laid. Even if we are on modern times, we must still use this power not just to get laid but to take advantage it for ourselves.

I really admire your opinion
Cheers anf lets break PMO, bro!

Slider · « **Reply #11 on:** September 28, 2015, 11:21:18 AM »

Hmm... Interesting. I never really thought about that. Let's be careful with the terms that we use because this could become a slippery slope and I don't want people thinking that we are misogynist people.

I think I see the point that you are trying to make, but I don't really like the term « biological superiority » because as you said, in our modern society, it's not about biological advantages anymore. It might have been at some point in the past when we were hunter-gatherers ; Being taller and stronger would definitely mean better survival chances and greater attractiveness (as much for men than women). But I guess that you are right in the fact that, today, having good social skills and achieving things are attributes that people are looking for. I don't want to date a girl who's doing drugs all day long, because that clearly doesn't match what I want out of life. And I'm sure it is the same thing for girls. Being constantly high will not help anyone raise a family.

I just don't like the term « resources » because it feels like material things or, in other words, money. Yeah, there will always be gold diggers (men and women) and I'm not a fool, you need some money to maintain a certain standard of living, but in my opinion if your relationship is based on money, you're screwed.

Wow, didn't mean to start some kind of philosophical discussion, but it's never bad to make some reflections.

Thanks for the cheers and keep going,
Peace

Slider · « **Reply #12 on:** September 28, 2015, 11:38:45 AM »

Day 6 :

I was really tired this morning. More than I usually am. I'm pretty sure this is related to my craving, but I got to adapt because I'm not going back.

Weekends are clearly tougher, especially the firsts. People generally lay off in weekends, but you must stay vigilant when you have too much free time. Just get busy. It will help.

I keep going on,
Peace

BunnyBoy2015 · « **Reply #13 on:** September 28, 2015, 12:22:09 PM »

Hey Slider,

Welcome to the forum, I'm glad you are finding it useful. I know what you mean when you say it is hard to tell people you know. However I bit the bullet and told my Dad and Stepdad, and they have both been really helpful and supportive. It took a weight off my mind. But we are all different, this forum is a good substitute.

This is a collection of really helpful articles, it's worth diving in here for some advice and detail... http://yourbrainonporn.com/understanding_porn_addiction.

Also here is my journal, you might find it interesting I'm on day 112 now, on my first attempt. http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=5218.0

Good luck!

Slider · « **Reply #14 on:** September 29, 2015, 08:44:28 AM »

Hi,

Thanks for the links, I will take a look.

Peace

Slider · « **Reply #15 on:** September 29, 2015, 09:06:12 AM »

Day 7 :

Yesterday was horrible. My brain was just craving and I couldn't stand in place for two seconds. I just did not have any patience and I could not think right. I didn't like it. It didn't feel right. I went jogging but it started to rain so I had to come back home. It didn't help much.

Today is just as greyish as yesterday and I don't feel like doing much, but I still have work to do. I will try to meditate to clear my mind, but I hope today is not going to feel like yesterday.

Peace

BunnyBoy2015 · « **Reply #16 on:** September 29, 2015, 02:29:36 PM »

Hey Slider,

I remember the beginning of my reboot, it was a lot like that. I couldn't think right, I wasn't able to focus on work, or my social life. I felt like I was just getting through each day as best as I could, wasting most of it with bad brain fog. Desperately craving a dopamine hit from anywhere I could.

Times get easier, a lot easier. Now I hardly think about it, yet it consumed my entire days at the beginning. Keep focused on what you want your life to be like. Set goals. Read articles on the effect of porn on the brain. Read journals.

This is one of my favourite journals I read. It seems hopeless for the guy for a long time, but there is a happy ending... http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=13306.0

It will all be worth it in the end.

Slider · « **Reply #17 on:** September 30, 2015, 01:32:26 PM »

Day 8:

Ouf... Yesterday was just hell. The craving hit me really hard. All day long, I had this nasty sensation in my head that feels like some kind of pressure on your brain. I just could not think or operate normally. I know that to have hobbies helps getting through this, but yesterday I just could not do anything. I usually like playing guitar, but I was not in the mood to do anything. It was just too intense to get my mind off it. I could only wait in the hope that it goes away, but it didn't. I felt depressed and hopeless in the evening. I even thought of giving up this journal, but I know that I must not.

I also edged yesterday evening, but I did not watch porn and I did not MO. I got an erection because I was aroused and I grabbed my dick. It took me a few minutes to let it go, but I succeeded. There was this voice in my head saying get your hand off it!, get your hand off it!, ... but I just couldn't. I actually had to say it out loud to do it. It's just crazy how, let's say, the pleasure part of your brain and the thinking part of your brain can oppose themselves. It really felt like there were two different voices opposing each other in my head.

I'm glad that I was able to handle this and stay clean because today is day 8. My first goal, which was to get to day 7 without watching porn or MOing, is then achieved. Got to say that this damn week was freaking long. So damn incredibly long. Actually, it's funny how easy were days 1 - 4 and how hard were days 5 - 7. Let's cheer up a little bit and see if I can go to day 10 and then to day 14.

Today is going well. Even if it is the third greyish-rainy day in a row, I definitely feel better. My brain feels more normal. I couldn't have stood another day like yesterday or I would have gone mad. I took a hot shower this morning and it felt so incredibly good. It did put a grin on my face. That was weirdly too good. I feel relieved and lighter, but I just don't know why.

Just keep going on,
Peace

BunnyBoy2015 · « **Reply #18 on:** September 30, 2015, 01:58:58 PM »

Hey Slider

I remember the beginning of my reboot, I kept wanting to MO just to get my head back to concentrate on other things like work. In the end I had to say to myself, I will make more progress today by not doing anything at all and not Ming, than I would by Ming and having a productive day. It is really hard, it is all you think about in the beginning, and you can't believe it would have such an effect on you.

But rest assured, it gets easier. So much easier in fact, you don't even think about it you just get on with your day.

Good luck getting to day 14.

BeastMode · « **Reply #19 on:** September 30, 2015, 04:16:35 PM »

Quote from: Slider on September 28, 2015, 11:21:18 AM

Hmm... Interesting. I never really thought about that. Let's be careful with the terms that we use because this could become a slippery slope and I don't want people thinking that we are misogynist people.

I think I see the point that you are trying to make, but I don't really like the term « biological superiority » because as you said, in our modern society, it's not about biological advantages anymore. It might have been at some point in the past when we were hunter-gatherers ; Being taller and stronger would definitely mean better survival chances and greater attractiveness (as much for men than women). But I guess that you are right in the fact that, today, having good social skills and achieving things are attributes that people are looking for. I don't want to date a girl who's doing drugs all day long, because that clearly doesn't match what I want out of life. And I'm sure it is the same thing for girls. Being constantly high will not help anyone raise a family.

I just don't like the term « resources » because it feels like material things or, in other words, money. Yeah, there will always be gold diggers (men and women) and I'm not a fool, you need some money to maintain a certain standard of living, but in my opinion if your relationship is based on money, you're screwed.

Wow, didn't mean to start some kind of philosophical discussion, but it's never bad to make some reflections.

Thanks for the cheers and keep going,
Peace

Hey thanks for the tip. Sorry man, I didn't intend to put it that way but at least you got my point. Keep your desire burning man!

Live full, die empty!

Slider · « **Reply #20 on:** October 05, 2015, 02:15:44 PM »

I just want to start by thanking you guys (MountainSummit and BeastMode) because your posts did help me get through the first days of my reboot. Days 5 - 8 were really hard and it was useful to read and chat with you both.

Don't give up,
Peace

Slider · « **Reply #21 on:** October 05, 2015, 03:12:48 PM »

Day 13 :

Still on it, still on it. I know I haven't written in my journal for a few days, but I did not give up. There are many things that I wanted to share with you all during those days, but I just did not take the time to. It doesn't matter much. Today is day 13. I am almost at 14. This is great. Time seems to be passing by faster. This is probably because I'm not craving as much anymore. I can think and get busy again which is really helpful.

The other day, I decided to clean my laptop of some girls pics and sexy wallpapers that I had. I don't have any porn files, videos or anything else of the kind, but it would not be a good idea to have those pics around if I get triggered. It was actually easier said than done. It was really hard to delete those pics. Once you take a look at them, once the pics are right in front of your face, it's pretty hard to delete them. There's always a few pics that make you say : « oh no, not that one, I will keep that one ». But I deleted them and now I'm glad that this is done because I don't have to bother about this anymore.

Thanks for reading,
Peace

BunnyBoy2015 · « **Reply #22 on:** October 06, 2015, 02:18:00 PM »

Hi Slider,

Good work deleting those files man, I did something similar at the beginning of my journey, you won't need them in the end anyway. It honestly feels so good when you start craving the love and physicality of a woman rather than photos and videos.

Keep up the good work.

Slider · « **Reply #23 on:** October 07, 2015, 09:18:10 AM »

Day 15 :

I have noticed during the past few days some emotional ups and downs. It sometimes feels like I am on an emotional roller coaster. Yesterday, I was just so anxious and stressed out for absolutely no good reason. I guess it will fade away with time, but I got to learn how to better control my stress level.

I have just reached my 14 days objective and, in a way, it feels pathetic. You know you have got a serious problem when staying clean for two weeks is a challenge. It shouldn't be, but I guess that's just how strong addictions can be. Anyway, I'm doing fine for the moment and I'm looking forwards. My new objective is to reach day 21 without watching porn or masturbating. I feel pretty confident about it. I know I can do this. It's about the long term of this challenge that I still have interrogations. I will keep thinking about it.

See you later,
Peace

Slider · « **Reply #24 on:** October 07, 2015, 09:35:23 AM »

Here is a link to a post that I found really useful. I know it is a pretty long post, but you should all take a look at it. I agree with most of the stuff that he claims because I have learned from my past relapses and I have come to similar conclusions. I hope it will guide you through your process and help you live a better life.

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

Peace