Author Topic: Getting through this  (Read 7952 times)

Slider

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Re: Getting through this
« Reply #25 on: October 15, 2015, 08:05:51 PM »
Day 23 :

Ok, so today is day 23. I have got to say that yesterday I edged for the second time. I took a look at some naked girl pics on the Internet. I know it's a bad thing for my reboot and the rewiring of my brain, I got to stay away from sex, masturbation, fantasizing and bla, bla, bla ... I get it! But actually, I don't think what happened was that bad. I looked at those pics for only one or two minutes I had say and the good thing is that I was easily able to shut it down. It didn't seem that hard to control myself. I always had a hard time to control myself once I become aroused, but this time the stuff seemed so fake. It just did not seem natural, so I guess that this is simply not what I want anymore. I might be progressing after all.

I have learned things from this edging experience. As I say, it wasn't all bad. I have been able to clearly identify the trigger of the vicious habit circle that is bringing me to porn. This usually starts when I'm working on the writing of my thesis and things are just not going the way I want. Just not working AT ALL. So I usually get f*cking stress, anxious and frustrated because things are not progressing enough and I have conditioned myself over time to use porn as my stress reliever. So that's when my brain asks me for PMOing. I HAVE GOT to break that vicious habit circle. I HAVE GOT to find a new way to deal with that stress and build a new habit circle that is healthier because I just can't run away from the situation. I must (and I will) finish this thesis, so there's no way I will simply change the way I live to avoid the situation. That would be easy. I got to face the problem because some days will be great (like today) and some others will just be sh*t (like yesterday). That's the way it is.

Another thing I want to add. It's coming pretty clear to me that rebooting is not a matter of DAYS. We don't care much that you are on day 125, 372 or 7 375. I have come to understand that abstinence is not RECOVERY. Of course it is good if you can get through this 90 day challenge because the further you can go from this bad habit the better it will be, but after 90 days you can stop counting the days. I think that's why I have "failed" during my last reboots, I made it just a matter of days. I could not get the long run because I had not faced the real problems underneath the addiction. This reboot should be lined towards facing the problems underneath PMO and not simply be some kind of competition about who can old itself the longest.

Well ... I did not mean to be rude. This is simply my opinion. I know it might not be right for all of you, but at least it seems to be right for me. I hope this will help some of you guys.

I still have much to do,
Peace 
« Last Edit: October 17, 2015, 05:06:57 PM by Slider »

TobyTob

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Re: Getting through this
« Reply #26 on: October 15, 2015, 10:02:46 PM »
Glad to hear you can control what your looking at, keep at it. For me personally, I like seeing the numbers past 90 days, it gives certain people motivation, also reboots can take longer for others. Also seeing that number can really make the person proud of what they've accomplished every time they see it go up another day. That's just my opinion, anyway, keep going strong.

Slider

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Re: Getting through this
« Reply #27 on: October 17, 2015, 12:51:39 PM »
Yeah, I'm not saying that counting your days is a bad thing, I just won't count them until the end of my life and simply wait for things to change. I don't see the point of letting time go by and counting the days. This 90 challenge is, in my opinion, the first step of my "rehabilitation". I want to do it to prove myself that I can do this, but there is one thing that I know for sure and that is that I won't be done after 90 days. It will take me way more time to change things, solve my problems and build my new life style. May be a year. May be more. I don't know. I will just keep in mind that I started kicking porn out of my life around Octobre 2015. I will not hold myself indefinitely too. At some point after this 90 day challenge - I just don't know exactly when - I will allow myself to MO once in a while. I know that it is not a good thing to MO during your 90 day challenge because there's a high chance that it will lead you back into PMO. It happened to me, but I don't think MOing is a bad thing unless you are over doing it or you are not making any efforts to find a real life partner. I will just watch out for not using it in the same mean that I did for porn, as a stress reliever or some kind of way to avoid feeling bad. MO seems a more natural thing to me, but I know it can cause some addiction problems too if it is "used" badly. Anyway, I'm not there yet, but this looks like my long term point of view of this all. For now, I'm still working on doing my 90 challenge, which means no PMO, no MO, no sex and trying the best as I can not looking at any kind of sexual content or be sexually aroused in front of a f*cking screen.

About my edging, I still don't really know if I can control myself. I did it once, but it doesn't mean that it will turn out the same way next time. I must stay focus and not let this happen too often because I'm not out of this yet.

Thanks for reading and commenting, that's appreciated.

Together we can get through this,
Peace
« Last Edit: October 18, 2015, 04:32:44 PM by Slider »

TobyTob

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Re: Getting through this
« Reply #28 on: October 17, 2015, 10:05:49 PM »
Of course dude, glad I could provide some input, also your response to my response is also greatly appreciated, I like communication. Keep on truckin.

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Re: Getting through this
« Reply #29 on: October 18, 2015, 05:23:36 PM »
Day 26 :

I just noticed that I have accomplished my 21 day objective and that I did not set a new one. My new objective is to stay clean up to October 31 which means two more weeks without PMO, MO or sex. I will moreover make myself a gift if I get there. I have got one last can of Guinness in my fridge and it's been waiting there for a while. I don't exactly know why I am telling myself to do this thing, but it would be nice to keep it up for Halloween. It will be some kind of reward for my efforts. I must not fail because I have been waiting for that for a while. That beer is going to be so good, I know it.

I think I will try to post on a weekly basis from now on. I just slowly want to reduce the amount of time I spent thinking about the addiction. This might look weird, but this feels a little bit to me like a itch. The more you think about it, the more you want to scratch it. That's why having hobbies is so helpful. It gets your mind off it. I just want to gradually stop thinking about everything that is porn related which means PMO, but also noPMO. The more you think about it, the more probable you are going to bring it into your life. I just want to forget that porn exists. But I must do this really slowly, gradually, because otherwise I will just end up relapsing. It would not erase the progress that I have made up to now, but I don't want that to happen. I must not lower my guard too fast and I must address my problems, that seems to be the key.

That's it for today, things are still doing good. I mean, I'm still having some cravings now and then, but those are not that strong. At least not like during days 5 - 8.

Keep going on,
Peace
« Last Edit: October 18, 2015, 06:33:05 PM by Slider »

Slider

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Re: Getting through this
« Reply #30 on: October 26, 2015, 09:11:28 PM »
Day 34 :

Well, I'm now on day 34 and I have mixed feelings. Reaching 90 days is going to be so looooong... I'm not even half way there. I think I'm at the no-coming-back point. I cannot relapse anymore. This feels different than at the beginning. It's serious work now and by serious I don't mean that this is tougher. I'm just always thinking about it. I'm getting tired of always having this in the back of my mind. I know that I must not make it a matter of days, that I must address my problems and try to improve my lifestyle (that's what I'm actually working on), but reaching my 90-day goal will be relieving. It will not magically solve everything (I know), but I will be able to say that I did it, I will be proud of myself and I will be able to let it go.

One thing I have noticed lately is that I'm not edging as much as before. I always had though times because of google. Even if I was not going on porn sites, google was always there to throw me girls pics. I'm not using google that way anymore. I think it helped me to not use my laptop unless I had something specific or important to do. I'm barely going on YouTube anymore. I'm not wasting as much time as before on the internet. I guess that's a great thing.

I have got some serious work to do tomorrow. It will probably sound stupid to you all, but I have been avoiding this for quite a time and I have got to face it now. I can't push the thing away anymore. I must face it otherwise it will just keep getting bigger and tougher. I have got to meet my thesis director. I really feel ashamed at myself because my writing is not going as well and as fast as I want. I know the thing is pretty stupid because it's his job to help students, but I'm not use at asking for help. The more I wait the worst the situation will probably get and that's clearly not what I want. I know this is the responsible thing to do and the truth is that I feel ashamed because I have a huge ego. I got to work on this.

Well... I guess that's why I'm having mixed feelings these days. Facing your problems, fears and what you have been avoiding for quite a time is not an easy or funny task. That's a sure thing.

Keep working hard guys,
Peace
« Last Edit: October 26, 2015, 09:15:46 PM by Slider »

Slider

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Re: Getting through this
« Reply #31 on: November 08, 2015, 09:36:34 PM »
Day 0 :

Ok, back to day 0. I'm back to day 0 ... Ah ... f*ck myself. I think I have become a master in the noble art of f*cking everything up. I think I could make a great carrer out of it. If you need advices I'm your man. Ah, ah.

Seriously, the past few days have been up but mostly down. I have PMOed like three times in the past what 24 hours and the worst of that is that I don't seem to care anymore. That's not good at all. I think I have simply lost faith. I'm second guessing myself. Is that really the good thing to do? Is this really going to help me live a better life and become a better person? I guess, if I'm back here on this journal, that there is still some little part of me that is still believing in this, but honestly I'm having a really hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It just feels like no matter what I'm doing or how many times I will be trying, it (porn) will always come back to me. My brain doesn't even feel foggy and I'm not even angry at myself just like I didn't care anymore. Feels a bit like am I doomed. I'm disappointed at myself, for having consciously and willingly PMOed that's for sure, but not angry.

Well, ok. Let's start over. Let's take it day by day and be serious. First objective is 7 days. Yes that is short, but it will be fine for now. Getting a bit of momentum and confidence back.

Thank you all for reading and cheering
See you tomorrow,
Peace
« Last Edit: November 10, 2015, 07:42:10 PM by Slider »

TobyTob

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Re: Getting through this
« Reply #32 on: November 09, 2015, 08:19:26 AM »
Hey dude, glad your getting back on field and trying again. You just gotta remember there are hundreds/thousands of people on here with the same exact problem, and we're here to help you get through it. I strongly recommend doing daily journals, even if it's just short one before bed. Constantly remind yourself what your fighting by reading about your problem. Reading others success story and seeing their PMO counters is also a great motivator. For me my motivator is to have a healthy brain and functioning dick (during actual sex) for future committed relationships. Just remind yourself why your fighting, and if you need some kind of accountability person to talk to, I'm on here every day before bed to write my journal. You can do it dude, don't tell yourself you're not strong enough, we've all been there are, and most of us are still there, but just remember you're not alone in this. Good luck, and keep us updated.

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Re: Getting through this
« Reply #33 on: November 09, 2015, 04:54:54 PM »
Day 0 :

Hey, thanks buddy. Yea, I'm gonna write everyday on my journal. I need it. thanks for supporting, it's appreciated.

This is still day 0. I false started. I PMOed this morning. Yea ... This was meant to happen. I didn't even fight against it. How can I hold if I'm not even believing in the first place. I'm in some kind of bad mood and it doesn't help much. I got to get through those first few days and create some momentum. Sometimes, I wish I could just take a pause and take my mind off this, but it doesn't work like that.

Got to hold on and show some willingness,
Peace

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Re: Getting through this
« Reply #34 on: November 09, 2015, 05:24:11 PM »
Why do I fight for ?

The question worth asking because I'm struggling at the moment. So here are my objectives / motivations. I own the copyright to someone called « Robert20 ». I didn't ask him, but I guess he doesn't mind much. I really liked his objectives (they were short and clear). I adapted them just a bit to fit me better.

•   Escape my PMO addiction and take back control of my life.

•   Leave porn behind forever and stop using it just to cover up my issues.

•   Break the link between stress and porn. Live up to the problems and confront them rather than hiding.

•   Regain my confidence and decrease my anxiety and nervousness.

•   Regain patience.

•   Regain motivation and decrease laziness.

•   Keep working hard with my current projects.

•   Meet girls again and get into a serious long-lasting relationship.

•   Get a healthy sexual life back and regain normal erectile functioning (Morning Wood, Spontaneous Erections and Natural Libido).

•   Maintain good habits (Early Bed Times, Less Internet, Less Laptop Time, Good Hygiene, Read More, Play more guitar, Workout, More Running, Healthy Balanced Diet).

Keep on hoping,
Peace
« Last Edit: November 10, 2015, 07:10:02 PM by Slider »

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Re: Getting through this
« Reply #35 on: November 10, 2015, 07:39:00 PM »
Day 1 :

So far so good. Day 1 is almost done. It wasn't the most productive day, but still it could have been worst. The tricky thing is that I need my laptop to work. Got to get some control on myself because I cannot avoid using it.

I hate pornography for making such a big stressed and anxious person out of me. Seriously, this sh*t somehow succeeded to shred my self confidence away and turned me into such an over-stressed dude. I sometimes get nervous for things that I don't even care about. I guess that's the cost I have to pay for over using porn for so long. Thanks God this is temporary. It can be fixed. I can fix this.

Well, I'm the one who created this mess so I guess I'm the one who can solve it.

Here again, thank you all for reading and cheering
Peace