Author Topic: Finding freedom by MrClean  (Read 12660 times)

mrclean

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Finding freedom by MrClean
« on: September 13, 2015, 08:53:10 AM »
Day 1

Have ups and downs. Being home alone trying not to binge.

Urges are strong and I hear my defence mechanism's voice "you can do it one more time...."

being aware that there is no tomorrow and my time my decission is here and now

I'm decided to fight
« Last Edit: September 16, 2015, 01:42:33 AM by mrclean »

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by Richard
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2015, 11:49:42 PM »
I surrended to my voice and did it one more time

Note to self:

- when there is fight you gonna loose
- must replan my routines and healthy outcomes

Ok, trying to look ahead and not back. However feel crappy.

Being grateful for myself for all almost 23 hours clean day and about 10 urges I managed to switch into healthy outcomes. It was good sunday anyway ;)

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by Richard
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2015, 01:16:40 AM »
Day 2/14

my mood is down.
yesterday night was hard. I switched from P to thinking about girls I can date and browsing facebook. However I managed not to take action
slept ~10 hours

Planning not to neglect my healthy routines today, having strong decission and not going back into my deep pit

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by Richard
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2015, 01:42:07 AM »
Day 2/14

Time slowly goes by however I woke up in quite good and calm mood. Urges still remained however my decission to be strong and clear seems to be stronger than that.

I found out that reading other peoples journals gives me motivation because I feel that my personal struggles are no diffrent than other people and if they are able, so I can do it as well.

My daily practice is important for me. I also found out that listening to motivation staff on youtube while I drive to work gives me extra boost of strength and motivation.

So I'll survive and leave my pit my brothers!


Passing river

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2015, 03:48:41 AM »
Well done man. Good to have a short target for yourself. I do it too.: like 7 days then 10 days..... 
And I rewarded my self too with a break, or a special cafe .....

Keep going.

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2015, 01:45:35 AM »
Day 3/14

My body is still craving for dopamine. I started to eat in the middle of the night. Some sexual dreams. Urges middle to intense.


mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2015, 02:11:10 PM »
Relapsed

Typical for me on friday

IWantToLive

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2015, 02:44:40 PM »
Relapsed

Typical for me on friday

Hey buddy, weekends are also tough for me. When I go down the rabbit-hole of PMO, I overeat and drink too much, and waste my time, and ultimately feel sad and depressed.

The solution is to stay really busy so there is no time for the mind to rationalize PMO. I am kickstarting my exercise routine, and it seems to help a lot. I am also going to diet a little to see if that helps. Stay strong!
When the going gets tough, the tough get going

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #8 on: September 19, 2015, 09:33:11 AM »
Relapsed

Typical for me on friday

Hey buddy, weekends are also tough for me. When I go down the rabbit-hole of PMO, I overeat and drink too much, and waste my time, and ultimately feel sad and depressed.

The solution is to stay really busy so there is no time for the mind to rationalize PMO. I am kickstarting my exercise routine, and it seems to help a lot. I am also going to diet a little to see if that helps. Stay strong!

Sadly that I even remembered near wendesday about it and planed in my calendar on friday "plan my weekend". Next time I'll just plan instedad of planning planning (heheh). Friday was hard at work so I lost connection to self and this was a straight way of the cliff ;)

I'm recovering now, woke up in morning went strictly into healthy operations mode, went running (10km oh yeah!), clean my house and left my home (now I'm visiting my mother).

While running I was thinking that my decission that porn is not an option should be exactly the same as "heroine is not an option" or "putting gun into my head an firing is not an option" and I felt something light and something of understanding.

I pledged to myself "Using my dick in improper way is not an option" and felt great ;)

IWantToLive, thanks for encouragement my friend. Stay strong also.


ulaozin

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #9 on: September 19, 2015, 11:59:16 AM »
Hey man,

Loved your sense of humor:

Quote
"Using my dick in improper way is not an option"

I remember when I had to count the hours I was clean. You may feel this is impossible, or that you will never win this battle, but trust me, you just have to be stubborn like a mule. Eventually you will get to 7 days, and them you will blew it, and them you will get to it again, and maybe again, and you will get to 15, and keep going... If you don't give any truce to the addiction, you will slowly conquer the ability to deny it more and more. You will see it!

Keep pushing!

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2015, 04:53:16 AM »
@ulaozin

Thank you. I'm grateful for every support. What one man had done others can do as well.

Today second day and I feel strong. Visualising how I'll celebrate my 14th day of being clean.

I feel light and good.


mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #11 on: October 02, 2015, 01:09:23 AM »
Day 6

My motivation is strong. Fighting some urges and being carefully watching my attempts to substitute (facebook browsing, fantasy, etc.)

Weekend is comming so I need to carefully plan ahead

So my basic idea is

- go to work, manage to do all my stuff in calm, productive and focused way (in order not to go into stress mode)
- after work dump out all my thoughts to journal in order to feel done about work
- plan max 2 hours of work for weekend (only if I need to)
- go to concert tonight, feel music and relax and celebrate my 6days of being clean
- saturday - long run and streatching
- clean my house, buy some candles, relax even more (meditate and pray)
- meet my ex-girlfriend, maybe got some connection, be careful with sex (maybe time to try sex without o)
- sunday morning - long meditation and reflection on my goals, dreams and actions
- contribute to forum, give some insights or support to all other followers
- do proper personal yournal
- stick to my routine (meditation, excersise every day)

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #12 on: October 04, 2015, 04:29:17 AM »
glad I planned weekend

Thanks to this its easier to overcome urges

day 8/14. feeling strong


mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #13 on: October 05, 2015, 12:24:47 AM »
Starting next week. My decission to go full 90 days is very strong.

Urges higher now so I stick to my recovery and good practices


ulaozin

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #14 on: October 05, 2015, 08:49:53 AM »
Hi MrClean,

It's good to see you are giving all your energy to fight this addiction. Be obstinate and you will overcome it. I saw that you relapsed, and its very good that you discovered that it is easier the second time you try it. Now you know what is to relapse after fighting it for a long time, Try to be aware of this feeling, try to remember how bad and hopeless you were feeling, because this memory will help you to avoid new relapses. Every-time you come back you are stronger. Don't be afraid of doing it again and again. But also be patient with yourself, it will take time.

I read you had some problems with others addictions too. Are you seeing a therapist? It can be helpful.

Take good care!

WorkingNOW

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #15 on: October 05, 2015, 10:13:56 AM »
We are together in the jig .

Let's get unfortunately I lost to my sick mind .

But I'm in the way, and I 'm going to get , I put a target of 20 days.

Perseverance for all

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #16 on: October 06, 2015, 12:09:48 PM »
Hi MrClean,

It's good to see you are giving all your energy to fight this addiction. Be obstinate and you will overcome it. I saw that you relapsed, and its very good that you discovered that it is easier the second time you try it. Now you know what is to relapse after fighting it for a long time, Try to be aware of this feeling, try to remember how bad and hopeless you were feeling, because this memory will help you to avoid new relapses. Every-time you come back you are stronger. Don't be afraid of doing it again and again. But also be patient with yourself, it will take time.

I read you had some problems with others addictions too. Are you seeing a therapist? It can be helpful.

Take good care!

ulaozin thanks for kind words and advice

as for my other addiction I'm regulary attend therapy (personal and group). It's called therapy for addictions. Basically they treat alco, drugs, impulsive buying, sex in very similar way (every addiction has common parts and there is always core issues that can be handled individually)

As for me quiting alcohol was best thing I've done in my life. I don't even know if I'm addicted, however I used alcohol to numb my feelings, so basicly it'll probably become addiction sooner or later. And life become more colorful and deep without alcohol rush in social meetings

However stoping drinking was easy part. Comparing for using porn ;)

Thanks for support man!

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #17 on: October 06, 2015, 12:10:48 PM »
We are together in the jig .

Let's get unfortunately I lost to my sick mind .

But I'm in the way, and I 'm going to get , I put a target of 20 days.

Perseverance for all

Thanks for support. We'll fight. We'll win. Best of luck for crushing 20days target. You can do it!


angrydad

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #18 on: October 06, 2015, 06:32:53 PM »
Good to see you closing in fast on your 14 day goal!

I too found quitting alcohol and smoking a lot easier than porn. I thought porn would be easy to quit, I was wrong! This is my first attempt where I have fully committed my efforts to quit porn. Using a journal to help myself be mindful of my thoughts, urges and triggers has proved a great tool and I'm not too sure if I would be at day 9 without it. It looks like you're doing a great job after a few early setbacks, keep up the good work mate.

noitan

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #19 on: October 06, 2015, 09:58:25 PM »
Hey man, Day 11! Keep it up and don't submitt. I just read your post and my journal, and decided i' ll keep track of your journey, auditing you! hahaha

Let's do it together, day 16 here.

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #20 on: October 07, 2015, 01:25:38 AM »
Glad you joined my journal. Please do audit me ;)

Today I'm on day 11. Yesterday night was very hard regarding tempations.

I faced them and replaced. I just playing my mental movie from point of great joy and adrenaline rush to the next feelings of being lost and depressed and having going back to zero, and having bad days afterwards. So I convinced myself that I'll stick to recovery.

Now I feel I need to face my real problems. Trying to focus on energy, that recovery gives me to real make things that matters.

It keeps me alife with strong feeling of trusting and liking myself

So there is positive motivation in my struggle and I'm glad that for first time in my life I feel that removing porn from my life isnt something treated as a loss but its something to gain.

And with this knowledge comes strentght

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #21 on: October 07, 2015, 01:28:41 AM »
Good to see you closing in fast on your 14 day goal!

I too found quitting alcohol and smoking a lot easier than porn. I thought porn would be easy to quit, I was wrong! This is my first attempt where I have fully committed my efforts to quit porn. Using a journal to help myself be mindful of my thoughts, urges and triggers has proved a great tool and I'm not too sure if I would be at day 9 without it. It looks like you're doing a great job after a few early setbacks, keep up the good work mate.

Right? As one sexoholic on my group said. Quiting porn is like quiting alcohol when you work all day as a bartender in club! ;)

Thanks for the support!

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #22 on: October 09, 2015, 10:58:37 AM »
Almost reached 14 days

Today is friday and urges are rocked high. I nearly took my tablet from work (tablet is unprotected) so subconsciously I'm planning to look for porn.....

Writing on this forum helps and I doing my best to stay with my decission to be clean.


noitan

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #23 on: October 09, 2015, 09:00:24 PM »
14 days, man! Great.

I tell you, during the reboot you will find your subconscious will look for reliefs, stimmuli, paths to reduce anxiety and other things that will always lead to porn.

Put your foot down as porn is not an option.

I have a good feeling about both oiur reboots this time. Let's do it.

mrclean

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Re: Finding freedom by MrClean
« Reply #24 on: October 10, 2015, 02:26:29 AM »
Hi,

Glad to hear this. I also this time feel kindof different and with more hope that I'll manage.

Maybe its because I managed to better see in last two moths what PMO destroys and what being clean gives.

So I building my motivation every day (somebody told me once - the motivation is like the shower - you can't take it once) ;)

And this forum and your support is of great help and value.

Stay strong man!