Author Topic: My story  (Read 3030 times)

devries

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My story
« on: September 01, 2015, 04:01:27 AM »
I think I am addicted to porn and masturbation. The reason why is I use it as a tension and stress relief. Sex with my wife has become none existing (I cannot get an erection anymore). I feel truly guilty about it. I started buying porn magazine when I was in my teen-ages. At that time it seemed quit innocent. Although it was quit explicit sex for a young boy I remember. My fascination for sex at that time was quit normal for a young boy. But gradually it became a tension and stress reliever for me. When I felt stressed I masturbated to become relax again (for a short time :-). Also because I was very uncertain about myself (had been bullied quit a lot, had a lot of acne, was extremely shy towards women/girls) this was my way to have sex.
When I met my current wife we had great sex for about two years. But still I started looking at porn again during the night while my wife was sleeping more and more since than. I kept using it as a stress reliever too. I never saw it as a great problem. I only felt very guilty when I had done it. But I had created a 'cleansing' ritual. Afterwards I always took a shower to wash away the guilt so to say.
Recently (two years ago) I got depressed very seriously. During that time I was very occupied with myself. I looked at my flaws all the time. During that time I also started to realize that my masturbation and porn habits were not normal either. I still use it to escape my depressed moments and to counter my stress and anxiety. But through that sex has lost all its meaning to me. The intimate moment you have with your partner. The excitement of having sex with each other. All gone. Now when I watch porn I can get an erection quit easily. When I have sex with my wife I cannot get an erection at all. This frustrates me a lot. Somehow sex has lost all its meaning to me. So I want to stop this behavior starting today.
I already started a few weeks ago but I still fall back every few days. Also today. That's why I joined this forum to give me some kind of support to hang in.

devries

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Re: My story
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2015, 04:02:45 AM »
I almost forgot. I see some nice diagrams showing the progress people made. I would like to have this too. How do I do this?

hoopvol

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Re: My story
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2015, 05:05:41 AM »
Hallo de Vries,

welkom op Reboot Nation. Ik ga ervan uit, dat je vanuit Nederland inlogt??
Ik ga maar weer over op Engels....

first of all: glad to see you found your way to this site and forum!! It's a big and important first step; it means you know you have a problem and you want to fix it. I suppose your wife doesn't know about all this?
I've said it to many rebooters before you and I say it to you as well: please tell her, be open, honest, no more secrets... Great chance, she already knows something's up. Many partners think it's because of them, when the intimacy starts to fade and sex becomes non-existent.
Before you tell her, educate youself so you can educate her, when you decide to come clean: use this site and YBOP for example. Yes, she will be sad, angry, frustrated, etc. And yes, you'll feel the guilt and the shame, but it's worth it. Believe me!
When you find a way to really talk about this, you'll see, the support from your partner will be very helpful. Understanding each other and fighting this together will make the relationship stronger.
Use this site to educate her: watch the videos together and talk about them afterward... Explain it's not her, that it's not about all the women/girls you used to watch. It's an addiction, that makes you crave for another shot and that needs to be fed with more extreme visual stimulation to have the same effect. It's not an excuse, but it explains a lot. My husband told me, a big weight was lifted from his shoulder, when he finally told the truth.
Whether you tell her or not (yet): I wish you all the strength you'll need, keep strong, keep loving and keep us posted....

ps: when you click on someone else's counter, you go to a site, where you can make your own.....
 
« Last Edit: September 01, 2015, 10:21:49 AM by hoopvol »

Phase2

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Re: My story
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2015, 10:10:59 AM »
Welcome. I agree with hoopval. I'll also add, you need to go at this full force. There is no in between. Quit porn, all porn, now. No taking a peek or one JO once a week for 'medicinal purposes.'

Stop watching porn and visiting any sites that will tempt you. Educate yourself thoroughly at yourbrainonporn.com. You are reinventing yourself. Go for it, man. Full speed!



devries

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Re: My story
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2015, 10:40:45 AM »
I will go for it. Telling my wife is something else. I am afraid for that. There has happened a lot between us the last few years during my depression. I have done my wife a lot of pain (mentally). I need time to figure out how to tell her about this. This isn't easy. She might leave me as this could be the last drop. I don't want her to be upset and hurt anymore. I know I have to say something. But not now. How have other people done this?

hopeful

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Re: My story
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2015, 01:33:53 PM »
Hi,
I'm the partner of Hoopvol, she's replied earlier.
I've had porn in my life for almost 35 years now. There is a lot of similarity between your and my story.As a young boy i didn't think of it as a problem.During my marriage with my wife, it became a very big problem.Slowly our lovelife went downhill, and at last there wasn't any left.All those years I tried to keep it a secret, with little success.She knew already for a long time that I had a problem with porn.I just couldn't tell her about it. Was ashamed, and felt very guilty towards her.Tried very hard in keeping up the appearance.
When she confronted me with it, and she confronted me several times, I became defensive, and tried to deny the whole thing.Afterwards I promised to quit this s"t, and move on.
I never quit, or even tried to. This rush, my brain was craving for, was just too strong to resist. I needed my dopamine, over and over again, and ever more frequent.My wife was becoming very desperate, and finally she forced a breakthrough.This couldn't go on like this.
It would end our marriage, and I was hurting just about everyone around me. Completely lost my focus, and was going numb, totally bliss of what was going on around me.Only thinking about the next possibility to "score". When she put my back against the wall, I slowly began to open up and told her in parts and pieces the whole truth. Off course she was hurt in a very bad way. Confused and angry with me.
It felt like I ripped her heart right out off her body. We were devastated, and literally hit rock bottom. When I think back now, it was truly the darkest period in my life ever. It was my wife who kept on fighting for our relationship, [forever grateful for that], and we went for counseling. After about 6 months, I relapsed, and with great speed, I was becoming the same guy I was before.
My wife noticed, and knew I was relapsing. Once again I find myself confronted with my addiction, This had to stop, and has to stop right now. Second time counseling,  this time a little different. There was more room for my partner, and how she felt about it. About 10 sessions later I promised myself and my loved one, that I would stay clean, and honest. My addiction was to be a thing of the past.
I learned to "see" my wife again, and what it did to her. Little more understanding of her feelings. It was new for me, cause I've always been numb to others. Really couldn't  relate to anyone. In any relationship, this is a disaster.
I've learned it' best to be honest and open. That way you can find yourself a teammate and fight this thing together.
I wish you the best and I hope to read about your progress here.

notgivinup

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Re: My story
« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2015, 11:59:01 AM »
Hi devries....i'm glad you are here.

I just want to tell you that I agree with Hopeful.....you should just be open and honest about it all. There isn't much room for real healing if you are not opening it up to your wife. She will be hurt...very much so....but it will be the place where you can begin to rebuild.

I have been where you are. I have been where Hopeful has been. It stinks. There is really no other way than through truth....and even facing why you want to run to pmo in the first place.

Something....some pain....is what drives us to pmo. I have had to face it myself.

The thing to keep in mind, also, is that this is not hopeless. At times it feels hopeless. But you can change, and your brain can change again. If you commit to no pmo, and to actively doing other things....exercising, and doing things for other people and taking care of yourself in tangible ways....even picking up a hobby...something to get away from the setting where you have run to pmo....you will see your brain begin to change, and you will feel like you are seeing your wife again and hearing her.

You can do this....and this is one of the best places for getting rid of pmo.

Keep coming here, and keep making the choice to walk away from pmo. You can do this.

so glad you are here.

NGU

Kurall_Creator

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Re: My story
« Reply #7 on: September 02, 2015, 08:31:14 PM »
Hi devries,

I know the sting of depression my friend. Porn was the leading cause for me. For 10 years, I felt an ever growing depression. It started with 'dragging my feet' in the morning, taking too much time to wake up, taking a shower, and all that stuff. Last year it cost me a job and a whole year of my life.

This finally started to end when I told my fiancé, but then girlfriend, about my porn use. The biggest part of my depression was PIED. I told her, we hashed things out, and over 3-5 weeks, the depression started to lift, especially when I was able to successfully make love to my SO.

Keep posting.

bigbadklaus

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Re: My story
« Reply #8 on: September 02, 2015, 11:24:41 PM »
please I need help....I joined this forum recently but haven't seen how to post....any help???
confide

hoopvol

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Re: My story
« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2015, 12:37:44 AM »
To bigbadklaus:

First of all: good you decided to reach out for help and want to start posting!
To start your journal, you go to the forum and choose one of the sections. Then you click on the button "new topic". (At the top-right) And you can introduce yourself, tell us your story and ask any question that's in your mind.
Good Luck!

olafthewise

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Re: My story
« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2015, 06:24:43 PM »
Stop! You are not Josh Duger!
All women react differently to a man on porn! My own wife caused me to go to porn due to her prude-ness. By the time I admitted to porn addiction it was too late. The damage done to my life as a result of my wife not being there for me sexually, has plummeted me into a hell that I cannot get out of.
Do not tell your wife all about your porn use. Maybe tell her that you feel tempted at times and need her sexual nurturing.
Do not tell her of your late night activities unless she is very forgiving and NOT judgmental. My wife is both, so I will NEVER tell. I just struggle to stay off porn and leave it alone with her. My wife is a prude and I visit here to get any tips or tricks to stay off the stuff because she most certainly will not help.