Author Topic: fell off the wagon and am pissed at myself!  (Read 1723 times)

paulc

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fell off the wagon and am pissed at myself!
« on: September 22, 2015, 04:08:37 PM »
Day three and already too complacent!  The fear wore off.  I don't want to keep doing this until the s___ hits the fan.
And it will if i don't stop.  Was debating whether to post this or not.  Feel like such an a__hole right now!
Desperate!

sodonewithit

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Re: fell off the wagon and am pissed at myself!
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2015, 08:17:15 PM »
Slips happen.  So you have gone three days without running off to the big fap, that is something right?  When was the last time this happened?   What made you slip and what could have helped to stop it?   It is better to view this as a progressive decline.  Sure it would be great to go cold turkey and some people are able to do this but this is really about a long term change.  Small steps make for big journeys.   It is good to not slip but it is better to continue onwards.
My wife told me to be a participant not a voyeur, I think we should all do this.

Watched "Hot Girls Wanted", all us guys should.

paulc

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Re: fell off the wagon and am pissed at myself!
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2015, 08:49:18 PM »
Thanks so much for your reply.  There is allot of wisdom and encouragement in your post.  My admission was something i didn't want to do.  But i knew I needed to do it.  I think it's a step forward.  I suffer from "one more time won't hurt." Lord, how many times I've said that.  What a fallacy that is.  I'm going to make tomorrow DAY 1.  And as you articulated so well,
it's not how many times you fall down, it's how many times you get back up.

Thank you again.  You really helped me.     

Free73

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Re: fell off the wagon and am pissed at myself!
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2015, 09:12:54 PM »
hey Paul,

In your first post you mentioned the 'fear' wore off and needing to do it before the 'shit hits the fan'. I think your motivation for wanting to be free of porn is coming from the wrong place. If your motivation stems from a fear of consequences by continuing porn, then it will always be difficult to give it up. Or if your motivation comes from wanting to do it for others, again, you will struggle. If your motivation is based on you wanting to be a better man and live a much more productive and happier life, then your motivation will take you much further. To end an addiction, you are effectively taking action because you want to, not because you have to. If your main motivation comes from you no longer wanting to live the lifestyle you are living and wanting more for your life, then that is what will sustain your reboot

Kurall_Creator

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    I'm not wasting my ammo on pixels on a screen
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Re: fell off the wagon and am pissed at myself!
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2015, 09:13:03 AM »
Free is correct.

Reboots happen because you want to improve your life, and you will do anything to make your life better.

1qqq1

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Re: fell off the wagon and am pissed at myself!
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2015, 08:00:21 PM »
Hey Man,
I think its great that you decided to post how your feeling. It may have prevented the caca from hitting the fan for another day.
I'm not sure exactly how or why I started using porn back in the day. Probably because it made me feel good and I was lonely. I do know that after
20 years went by... I was using it to stay numb. Comfortably Numb. From stresses of everyday life, depression, lonliness, shame, self-esteem issues, regret of not having a family, and on and on. For me it wasn't just that I trained my brain to need it, It became a way to cope. Something I'm just learning is how to take those things that cause me so much anxiety and just accept and let them happen without running to pmo or food (I also a eat when I'm stressed)to escape the pain. I believe that having good ways to process these feelings, that will inevitably arise, is key to not only staying off porn but making me a better, happier person capable of having healthy relationships. I am still struggling but think these things have helped me:
1) Having someone to talk to that you trust and knows your story. It can be a relief just getting everyday things that anger or stress you off your chest, not allowing them to trigger you. A trigger I have to watch out for is thinking I am a failure if I slip up. I did a bad thing. I failed to control a behavior. I am not a failure.
2)Start a gratitude journal to remind you about all the great things you have and do. This puts the crappy stuff into perspective. Helps prevent dwelling on the negative.
3)Be accountable to someone other than yourself. RN is a great place to share and get feedback/support. Nobody will think your an a**hole. We all are/have battled the same demons.
4) Meditate and/or pray. I am still learning to meditate effectively. I know it can help me to live in the present and not think about negative things from the past or worry about the future. I would have something happen and keep thinking about it over and over and it's just not productive. On other occasions an urge to pmo would rear it' s  ugly head and I'd suppress it over and over until it was so big I could not stop it and just wanted some relief.  I would relapse. I think meditation helped me with that. It's not something that happened for me overnight I had to continue trying with little results for weeks. Just my 2 cents on what works for me.
You can do it, don't give up.