Author Topic: Smoke and mirrors  (Read 3295 times)

Jamielc17

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Smoke and mirrors
« on: August 27, 2015, 12:25:27 PM »
I'm not sure if this is a question for the partners or the rebooters or, both. Is there any way to get passed the "not believing a word he says?"

Since I discovered his addiction, which he has not fully admitted to it being that, everday is just different as you all know. A struggle. We try but obviously our relationship is different. For this question I am specifically talking about his constant admiration of me. He always tells me I'm beautiful, he thinks I'm perfect, when a pretty woman walks by he'll just look at me lovingly. I feel like it's all just smoke and mirrors. He tells me these things only to try and ease my mind, for one. And two, to deflect what he's done or what he's really thinking when the pretty lady walks by. Honestly, in my heart, I feel (crazy as it sounds) like he may be catching himself thinking dirty thoughts about just a random passerby, so thenBOOM, gives me the love and admiration that we all desire by saying sweet beautiful things to me. Does this make any sense?
Any advise? For me? I'm very emotional over all this.

Thanks.

hoopvol

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2015, 12:48:45 PM »
Hello Jamielc17,

It makes perfect sense to me.... When my husband realized, what his PA did to our relationship, what it did to me, he was very afraid of losing me. He told me he loved me about 50 times a day and kept saying he couldn't bare the thought of losing me. I told him he didn't have to tell me all the time. It was a bit too much. Maybe your partners is realizing the same thing now.
I don't know: did you see the video's on this site? It's just some general advice: educate yourself as much as possible and try to understand the nature of this addiction. This was very helpful to me. And try to talk to him, tell him how you feel. Try to stay calm and honest.
I hope you find the strength to cope!!
keep us posted

Jamielc17

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2015, 02:26:16 PM »
Thanks hoopvol. You have great advise and I for one appreciate all you've said. I keep up with the forum and have watched most all the videos. Feel like I understand SO much about what is going on with him. More than he does I think. I've learned a ton. I'm just confused I guess with all the lovey dovey things. Sure it's nice to hear but I find myself doubting all of those things he says and the timing. Feeling like it's a little bit of the facade. This is why I was hoping to have some of the guys chime in too. Did you ever do this to your wife after she discovered your secret.... but before YOU fully realized that there was a very real problem?

Steam rolled

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2015, 02:30:49 PM »
same same same!!!

Morning noon & night he assures me how GREAT i am even to notes everyday.
Though he always told me those things, just not as often.

Sometimes i think its a trick just a  way to detour me so he can go back to being a sneak. ( so far he hasn't since May 2014 )
And then i wonder is this his way of coping with what he did to me. ( guilt )
Though he truly loved me even when he was being a sneak/trapped.
As it sounds like yours does to.
My husband told me that PMO just blinded him of what was going on around him and he lost touch, hated every minute of it but couldn't stop.

I also had to tell him to tone it down a bit as i feel like a POS inside and compliments don't always make you feel better, as a matter a fact to much made the feelings worse.
But he continues on.
And as long as he is PMO free Ill cope with it.
But there are times when my thoughts are racing saying I love you back is hard to do and i despise a fake person.
But to keep my MAN a MAN and not a little mouse stuck in a trap.
We move along!

Its tough STAY STRONG FOR LOVE and your sanity.
LOVE IS NOT LONELY!!!

hopeful

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2015, 04:55:06 PM »
Jamielc17,
I'm the 47year old husband of Hoopvol, also posting.
Sounds very familiar to me. I was showing the same behaviour. For me it was a great deal of guild.
At that time I was so ashamed and angry at myself. When I came clean, and confessed it all to my wife, I felt sick and empty.
Slowly i became aware of her point of view, and what she's been trough. My self esteem dropped and I went insecure.
And I mean insecure about EVERYTHING ! I became very afraid of losing her and to have ended my marriage.
And in the end losing it all. Tried to make things right on my own way, and desperately wanted to show her that I was to be trusted . In my case , I was truthful and open, and my intentions were upright.
My point is, maybe your partner is also truly making amends to you, and he's not playing tricks.
I'm sure, women can sense instantly , when partners lie.


chpcbr

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2015, 05:34:33 PM »
I have to second hopeful's post. The suspicion that it's all smoke and mirrors is certainly understandable, but you have to believe that bursting the bubble is truly an eye-opening experience. Towards the person by your side, which you have hurt; towards your relationship with that person, which you also have damaged; towards yourself.

You loathe and anger at yourself, and yes, perhaps you idealize the other person in that phase, but it's not bullshit, it's not lies, it's not an act.

Gracie

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2015, 06:10:24 AM »
It does feel like smoke and mirrors.  It gets you down.  With my husband, I told him when he was looking.  I said it at the moment.  He would get upset but that is the way he finally stopped.  He had done it for so long that it was automatic.  Now we do not have that problem.  I let him know that his saying things like that made me feel like crap when he had just looked at someone. 

SouthwestGuy

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2015, 10:05:09 AM »
Hello, I recently identified myself as having PA and recently kicked the habit.  I can't explain it, but I think that rings true (for the admiration part).  When I kicked the habit, I became very loving (annoying clingy is more like it) to my wife.  I don't consciously know why, but I wanted to be near her all the time, hug her all the time, upset if she wasn't close to me, etc.  I can't really say why I did it, I just woke up one day and realized I was doing it and tried not to be as annoying.  It didn't start until I kicked the P though.  I know that doesn't help much, but its just another POV.

For the trust part, my wife is going through the same thing.  I've destroyed so much of her trust in the past that she has a hard time believing me on this.  However, she is very supportive and we had many talks over this past weekend about this whole thing (took me a while to open up to her about it).  I think it helps being open, honest, finding a support group, showing your serious, etc.   

But how do you restore the trust that is gone?  Its very hard.  Regretfully there isn't a way to prove your not doing something.  I work on the computer all day long, so I even suggested she can monitor my behavior and stuff to confirm.  That won't work for us though, because I am very technically competent and could hide it if I wanted too so no one could find it.  So that won't help confirm anything.  She doesn't want to do that anyway. 

There is also the fear of going back to it in the future... so I have come to the conclusion that the only thing that will help repair it is time.  The price I pay for what I have done is her not trusting me for a set period of time.  How long is anyone's guess... but its my mess and I need to deal with the consequences. 

I know I won't go back to it, but proving it to her seems to be the difficult part.  If anyone has that answer, please let me know :)

chpcbr

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2015, 10:18:27 AM »
I don't think there's an answer for that. The one thing you can do is provide consistent feedback (or evidence, if you prefer). I guess it's fair to say you're a better lover, a better partner, a better person now. Keep being that and she will know. There's no guarantee but I think it's your best (and only) shot.

Jamielc17

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2015, 06:27:07 AM »
Hi all.

Thank you so much for the responses. I read and re-read them. They give me a little bit of hope in trying to understand and comprehend all of this.

This is all still new for us (well, me, since discovering I'm a partner to someone PA). I discovered in April of this year what was truly going on. Some facts are: it happened all during his first marriage and it picked right back up with me 5 months after we got engaged. We've only been married almost two years.
After I found out, I started counceling because it felt like I was losing my mind. The man I trusted! He went with me a few times.
So, he has not 100% acknowledged his problem with me or said YES, I'm doing a reboot. My first post "married to a sex addict and hobbyist" has a lot more info.
So lastnight, he was not interested in sex. He had worked outside all day clearing land and was badly dehydrated. I get it. But I can't help but wonder. So I said, "we're you good today?" And he said of course, he always is now since shit hit the fan. I asked when was the last time? He couldn't answer. He said, "I don't even know when..... how long has it been since this all came about? We weren't going to counceling in the winter We're we?"
After all we have been thru over this? Really??
Ugh! We did counceling June - August of this year! And maybe I'm hot headed over this but I feel like for such a HUGE deal, a make or break type thing, if he were DEAD serious about "being good" wouldn't he know an exact date or something really close to it for when the last time he PMO? Like when did the alcoholic have his last drink? They always know. I can't buy the I don't know business. This is kind of what I mean about smoke and mirrors :/ Sometimes I think it's it's all a big joke to him. It doesn't make any sense and Cleary I'm kidding myself if I think he's serious about getting better.

1morechance_again

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #10 on: September 22, 2015, 08:56:38 AM »
SO here too. I get it. It feels so fake because it's so foreign and so sensitively-timed. It's the elephant in the room stomping it's feet. It send us into instant panic and anger, just as he's turning into a puddle of puppy love. And you're not allowed to slap a puppy. :/
In these moments, we SO's are primed for anxiety. We see everything through tainted glasses.
We can't know the sincerity of his actions. And you'll drive yourself crazy trying to guess.
Instead, lets look at what we know is fact:
He senses the elephant too. He takes action to refocus on his wife. This action, whether sincere or not, trained his brain to focus sexual energy on his wife. It made a chemical difference in the brain.
Maybe there's some comfort in that?

Steam rolled

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2015, 01:04:18 PM »
1morechance_again

I just want to say Thank you for sharing that advise and your words it makes a lot of sense.

This is why i am here for any bit of help we can get to make us stronger, if not just for ourselves for both spouses involved!

Its tough.
LOVE IS NOT LONELY!!!

chickaboomski

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2015, 06:03:03 PM »
With you steamrolled thankyou @1morechance_again... I still really want to slap the puppy.

1morechance_again

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #13 on: September 25, 2015, 10:54:55 AM »
I do too.
I have been putting up with this for 15 years.
Right now, my thoughts are, if this time isn't real, it will be the last time I put my heart out there. He's not a puppy, he's a dog that hasn't grown up.
I truly think that if I stay, I will die a dried up, hopeless shell of a person. And I kinda think it won't take long.
I'm not ready for my life to be over. And I'm just about ready to not wait for someone else to save me from it.
I'm rambling, I'm sorry. I don't really even know what I'm thinking or saying right now.
My husband just joined the board here too, at my urging. I'm working on my exit strategy from this marriage and how to protect my children. The entire idea of divorce kills my soul. But, waiting for love to love me back is killing me faster.
I get it. I signed up for a pit bull to protect me. Now I think I have to be the pit bull.

Secondtimearoundlove

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Re: Smoke and mirrors
« Reply #14 on: November 01, 2015, 11:35:30 AM »
Thank you for your post. I understand it must be frustrating to think that all the attention he's giving you is brought on by his guilt. However at least he is giving that attention and trying to reassure you. My boyfriend is not doing any of that. I know that he loves me and I honestly during this time could use some of that reassurance and extra attention because this has really hit me hard. Where once I was extremely confident and sexual I find myself being more reserved. One because I'm hurt but too because I feel foolish of how sexual I was and how much I wanted to be adventurous with him. Not knowing all the while that I couldn't compete with what was going on in his head and on that screen. So I felt like a fool. A little reassurance would go a long way at this point.