Author Topic: I could have given up but didn't  (Read 18431 times)

Sunborn

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I could have given up but didn't
« on: August 26, 2015, 02:52:49 PM »
Hey everyone, I am Sunborn.

I'm 25 years old and started watching porn when I was 9 years old. It started becoming a compulsive activity when I was around 11 years, and I have been addicted to internet porn and masturbation since then. My longest "clean" period has been 15 days, so I don't even know what it feels like to not be on it.

I realized I had a problem back in 2011 when my first relationship ended. It was an experience that left me completely broken, to the point where I didn't think I wanted to live anymore. At the same time I had a spiritual awakening that urged me to start a healing journey, and it gave me the strength to keep on going.

I learned that behind my addiction to internet-porn was the need to protect myself from a deep sense of shame, and the pain of abandonment traumas. Those are my core wounds.

I started working with those wounds, and life got better. I did some healing through therapy and 12-step groups such as SLAA and ACA. In 2013 I discovered YBOP and learned new things regarding how the addiction works. At this point my porn-habit was a lot weaker than before. I had gone from PMO'ing 1-3 times a day to PMO'ing every 3rd day on average. I started a journal back then on yourbrainrebalanced and kept it going for some time. But left it as I got other things to focus on in life.

That's been the trend since then. I fall back into the habit of PMO'ing every few days. I do not feel fulfilled nor do I feel I live the life I want to be living. And I feel that PMO'ing severely limits my progress into fulfillment. I am ready for this to change.

I intend to write about my reboot in this journal, and every now and then share discoveries I've made along my journey so far. My first goal is to go without PMO'ing for 16 days. I know it can be done!

good luck fellow travelers.


edit,
new record: 18 days
« Last Edit: January 19, 2016, 06:49:57 AM by Sunborn »
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Ar1992

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2015, 07:11:45 AM »
Hey man, I think you have a very smart idea, instead of setting a huge goal like 90 days right off the bat, taking the journey in smaller increments is a great way to set and achieve reasonable goals. (Im in the same category of trying to live the life I want to live and become the type of person I want to be if you are looking for an accountability partner.)


In my mind  the fact that you could go from PMO  everyday to every third day means that you absolutely have the ability to  make it from every third  days to once a week, and then eventually once every two weeks, and then eventually once a month, and then eventually it's out of your life completely. I think the big thig everyone always says is avoid triggers or situations thaftcan lead to doing PMO- ie, if you usually fall after work on thursday night make that a time where you go to the gym or the library,

I'm not sure if this advice could help or if it's absolutely bogus, but sometimes visualizing the person you want to be is very very motivating. If you're an artist, even drawing the "you" that you want to be so you have a visual representation.Obviously PMO is the topic of this forum, but writing a list of things you want to add to your life and remove from your life can be very motivating.
For example- for me, I want to "add": dressing nicer, being confident, getting to places on time, hiking more, spending more time with my family, learning something new everydayand starting yoga classes.
I want to "remove"- PMO, self doubt, being late to places, etc.
Maybe writings a list out like this and keeping it with you wherever you go can really help to see the big picture, and maybe when those feelings of sadness or trauma come back to you, you can overcome the urges.

I'm not sure if any of my advice is helping or if I'm just being annoying, but I'm super condident you can progress to eliminating this out of your life because you've already made the first steps getting there, and once the ball starts rolling you'll be unstoppable.

Sunborn

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2015, 12:01:27 PM »
Hey Ar1992, thanks for dropping by.

Yo know what, it's really funny that you mention visualizing the person you want to be. On monday I sat down for a few solid hours and did just that. I was given this assignment called "your perfect future", where you're supposed to list 3-7 areas of your life you want to focus on, and then 3-7 things you have achieved in each area.

After having done that I am now to write a short story about every area, going into details of how my life is at that point. Lastly I am to make a drawing of each area for visual representation. I found it to be a fun act of synchronicity that you mentioned these things. Fun how life connects us when we need to.

Sure, I wouldn't mind an accountability partner :) We seem to have the same goals of creating a life of fulfillment. Super!

Reading your post reminded me of something I read last year on yourbrainrebalanced. I found this post to be incredibly inspiring: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5734.0

read it if you have the chance.
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Sunborn

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2015, 12:06:50 PM »
Day 2: Pretty boring day. I'm stuck doing some schoolwork I neglected last semester before I start again. So far no edging, except for two sudden sexual fantasies about my ex. Through meditation I have started to learn to welcome and accept my thoughts, and then let them go, and this helped me here. Later today I'm gonna go meet some friends. Feeling quite good so far.

Note to self. Less time at computer, and more time outside. Sadly all my work is digital so no way to work around that.
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Ar1992

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2015, 09:35:56 PM »
Hey sunborn,

Thanks for the link to that page- those words were incredibly inspiring, especially the words taken from "In the Buddha's words". That was so insightful. The incredible thing about this journey is that it not only brings understanding about ourselves as we recover, but also an understanding about other people's behaviors and coping mechanisms. PMO is probably the easiest addiction to fall into because of the accessibility of explicit materials nowadays due to smartphones and computers, matched with the design of the human sex drive. But reading that Buddhist passage about coping mechanisms really gives you a sense of compassion for all people who are struggling with any type of addiction (sex, alcohol, drugs, etc). Thanks so much for the link!

And that is a neat coincedence with the visualization techniques! I did the same type of thing, wrote the areas on a piece of paper, and I'm keeping that paper in my pocket with me wherever I go. I really like your idea of continually updating it as well, with short stories and progress. I'm excited for you to be able to look back at how far you've made it.

Congrats on making it to day 2! Your meditation technique of accepting thoughts and letting them pass is a good idea. One of the best parts of avoiding PMO is all the awesome things you get to do as a result of having more time (both time away from PMO, time away from feeling guilty after PMO, and time spent not thinking of PMO and thinking about other things). Keep up the good fight man!

mtaha2015

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2015, 03:42:38 PM »
got almost 4 days sunborn.
good job.
keep moving forward.

Sunborn

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2015, 03:55:43 AM »
Thanks guys. I appreciate your support.

Ar1992, it's not so much about continually updating the list. It's more about fleshing out the vision thoroughly and then let it be. I've put some time for today to sit down and write so it's gonna be exciting.

I'm in on day 5. The weekend has been good so far. I spent friday with me ex, we slept together and had great sex. It was a wonderful experience. We broke up about 2 months ago, but have been seeing each other after that. I feel that I can appreciate her better now that we aren't together anymore. I was very needy at the end of the relationship, but after having had to let her go I feel I've been able to mature out of that neediness. I have also been able to be more honest and direct with her in letting her know when I think she is behaving disrespectfully or in ways that are not worthy her. You could say I am no longer afraid of hurting her feelings. She told me she's thankful and happy that I am that direct with her because it helps her grow, and that she felt that I was afraid to tell her these things in the relationship. I see that as a sign that I have grown a lot.

I have become aware of a pattern that I play out in my relationships, where I enter the roles of victim, persecutor and savior. I am afraid of giving honest and direct feedback because I fear I will hurt my partners feelings. And hurting her feelings makes me a terrible persecutor. To avoid this I become a wussy, victimizing myself trying to make my partner comfortable all the time. I can see how this is immature and unhealthy and I am so thankful I am moving away from it. As an adult I believe that I alone am responsible for my emotions, actions and thoughts. This also means I have to allow this for others, my partner included. She is responsible for hers. It's her choice how she wants to react to any given situation.

I'm really happy that I still have her in my life, and I'm curious to see how our friendship will grow. I feel like I am the man I want to be when I am with her like this.

Except for some sexual fantasies about my ex, still no edging. But I can feel my mind going there. I got a sudden flashback about P earlier. Trying to be conscious and clear about my thoughts and move on. This also helps me to see when one of my browsing-patterns kicks in. As soon as I become aware of this I leave the computer and go do something else for a short time.
Porn is no longer a part of my life.
« Last Edit: August 30, 2015, 03:43:57 PM by Sunborn »
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Dareius

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2015, 05:35:01 AM »
Hey there Sunborn,

I m also struggling with a deep sense of shame, and the pain of abandonment traumas. I ve been working on the traumas and it gets better, yet I m not so sure about the deep sense of shame. I m not sure where it comes from. Yesterday I found a video from an author who just published a book about this topic, I really recommend to you that you watch this interview https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=20&v=EywAyU3Y7vk I orderd the book from him after the video. Very informative imo. He also talks about "outgrowing" pornography, sounds intresting to me :) .

Cheers
« Last Edit: August 30, 2015, 05:40:17 AM by Dareius »

Ar1992

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #8 on: August 30, 2015, 09:24:33 PM »
Sunborn-

That is so cool- visualizing and then letting the vision become a reality. It's powerful!

Also, I'm glad that you were not only able to have a good time with your ex-girlfriend, but also make some realizations about yourself and your behavior in relationships. it seems like the two of you have a special and unique relationship and Im happy that you can find healthy behavior for yourself to not only protect yourself in relstionships but also to be the best possible partner for someone else. I'm looking forward to reading more updates about this- I also know what it's like to act pretty much the same exact way in a relationship (story of my past relationship) and it's an amazing feeling when you can find that healthy balance of being a kind and considerate boyfriend without being a pushover or walked all over by someone. I really am excited for you to be in a relationship (whether you start again with your ex, or it's someone new) to be this type of boyfriend without PMO- I really think it's going to be something spectacular.

You really bring up a good point of having to be in charge of your own emotions and responses. It's really important to be direct and assertive with people in all sorts of relstionships- whether a friend or coworker or girlfriend, I think we are both learning this at the same time.

And that's such a good move just staying away from the computer! That's very smart, especially because in today's day and age where pretty much any search on the Internet can lead to an explicit image or something which could compromise one's will.
(Note: I'm learning this with my yoga researcing- I stopped researching yoga online for this reason hahaha. Word to the wise, if you pursue yoga, look up books or other paper resources, such as "the yoga bible" which is a great book I've been using. A simple YouTube or Google  search of  "yoga poses" is pretty much the same thing as a soft core porn search)
Day five is a big deal dude, keep up the good work!

Sunborn

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2015, 03:19:34 PM »
Dareius, thank you so much for writing. I appreciate it. The pain of abandonment is one of the worst experiences I have had. For many years I suffered from PTSD because of it. I would get panic attacks when around girls I found attractive. In my relationships I would freak out as soon as the situation became one where I felt abandoned, i.e if she wanted to have space for herself, or didnt want to see me that day, or went out with friends. Thankfully that is a thing of the past. I no longer suffer from panic attacks, and I no longer re-experience that trauma in situations that used to trigger it. So yeah, you're right, it gets better :)
The shame however, is elusive. I have been asking myself too where it comes from. I still don't know either, but that too is starting to leave me. I'm not yet fully 'me', but I no longer feel faulty as a person.

Thanks for sharing the clip. I'll be sure to check it out when I have some time. He talks about masculinity. Now that's a topic that I have been researching and working with for many years. It's a topic thats really close to my heart. I made healthy and mature masculinity the foundation for my new life and the man I want to become. So thank you for sharing. If you're interested in reading more in the topic I can recommend some great books and material I've worked with during the years.

Ar1992, good to see you. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I have been thinking about who I will be once I have moved past PMO. I have never actually been sober in my adult life.. so the other side is a true mystery for me. Looking forward to finding out what lies beyond! good luck to you my friend.


Hey guys, it's day 6. Today was tough. I had my first real edging at the computer. Found myself getting hooked on an obsessive thought about looking up an actress, and things went off from there. Suddenly I have 5 tabs up. Funny enough, I see myself doing all of this going: "what the hell am I up to, honestly? is this what I want to be doing?". I've always found it weird how you can observe yourself through the haze of the "rush", like looking through a window.
The dopamine was intense. But I've been here before. Thankfully I had enough clarity to leave it there, close everything down. Put on my sneakers and go for a long intense walk. Even while walking as fast as I could, the physical sensation of the rush followed me for a good hour. My chest was tight, my breathing tense. Mo body in a semi-locked mode.
The walk helped though. I feel better now, but I am entering deeper waters. I'm sure my brain will start playing a lot of tricks on me these coming days. I will find my way through. Wish me luck.
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Ar1992

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2015, 10:34:11 PM »
Sunborn,

Good job going for the walk dude- you really suffered a real test there and passed with flying colors. Day 6 is no joke- but you're doing awesome and you have a very smart game plan. If you can, maybe keep your note or a picture of your visualized self by the computer monitor or taped to it ? Or a piece of paper with a motivational quote?Maybe this could help if the temptation comes again, It may sound ridiculous and I apologize if it does, sometimes that sort of visual reminder can help.
we are here for you man, you have the willpower and desire and you're almost at your goal and beyond!

Sunborn

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2015, 01:25:26 PM »
Thanks man, I've tried those things before and I always end up being blind to them. I think being attentive is the best thing I can do right now. Having a picture of my future self around could be beneficial though. Once I get to doing the illustrations to my stories I'll be sure to have them there :) Thanks for dropping by! I was touched by your most recent journal post and left a long reply. I hope it was okay for me to do that.

Day 7, had a pretty awesome day. Today was the start of my internship at a game company! I've been studying for 2 years to get to this point in my life and I am finally here! I was nervous in the morning, but the company is awesome and the people are really nice. I think I'm gonna have a blast here. They have many cool projects planned for the future that I will be a  key part of. I will be working as a concept artist, designing new content for their existing games as well as completely creating the visual design of their new games from scratch. It's a lot of responsibility, but I am confident I will be able to handle it.

Regarding yesterdays edging, today I had some flashbacks of the things I watched yesterday. I also felt some sexual cravings in my body, but mostly it's in my mind. It tries to trick me into edging again. Nope my friend, ain't gonna happen. I am also starting to notice some general changes in my everyday life. Women are becoming more interesting to me, and I am starting to appreciate their beauty more. Sometimes I feel like I could just go up to that pretty girl, say hi, and be cool with it. I have yet to do it though, but it doesn't feel alien anymore.
I think this has more to do with all the inner work I have been doing the past months, however, abstaining from PMO probably brings it out more clearly. It's gonna be interesting to see how these changes will develop as I progress further.

Until next time. Take care.
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Dareius

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2015, 02:03:55 PM »
Hey Sunborn,
first of all, good job on stopping your cravings. I know it can be really hard once you start with it Oo. I ll also try going for a walk, good tip there.

A doctor recently also suggested to me that I might have PTSD due to all the shit I experienced. I get the same panic attacks you talked about when I m around girls I feel attracted to. I normally shut myself down when I got these feelings for a woman. For along time I just ran away from such situations, but i slowly realise that running away is a real bad idea.
Also, you probably know from visiting my journal, I never had a girlfriend, but these reactions you are talking about, freaking out when she leaves with friends n stuff, I sometimes fear that. I guess it also comes from trust issues  :-\ and it worries me, how will I ever get a girl ? I dont loose hope, but it really is hard sometimes.

Anywas lets keep on our great journey and never give up hope :) Cya

Ar1992

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #13 on: September 01, 2015, 11:29:41 PM »
Sunborn,

Thank you so much for your post in my thread, it meant a lot to me. It's neat to see how much we have in common, I touch a little bit on that in my own journal along with a lot of the things you talked about in your post.
 
I gotta say, your internship sounds freaking awesome! I'm actually very curious about that world, I'm pretty ignorant on how all that stuff works and I find it absolutely fascinating. I'm so glad to hear that you are excited and ready for it, I'm confident you're going to do awesome.

And I am also very excited for the internal changes you are experiencing both as a result of the work you're putting in outside of PMO and as a result of abstaining from PMO. Noticing more of the beautiful things in women is one of the beautiful aspects of cutting out PMO, and also the confidence  that comes with it. And it's the type of confidence that other people notice in you as well which makes it perfect for where you're at right now, starting your internship and all.

You've made it a full week man! That's a big deal, you're almost halfway to your goal and beyond, and you've already crossed a major boundary of the "close call" experience with edging, which is a great sign. The temptation is probably going to be strong but so are the positive side effects of abstaining! You got this man!

Sunborn

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #14 on: September 02, 2015, 03:51:58 PM »
Thanks for dropping by again guys. I appreciate it.

Dareius, we can only do our best. Doing other things than staying at the computer and browsing will build new neural pathways, and hopefully, if you keep on doing the other thing, like going for a long walk instead, that pathway will become stronger and stronger so its easier to do it every time. Don't lose hope buddy. You are going in the right direction. Look at it objectively, you are facing some tough traumas in your life. Thats really courageous and brave. Further, you are actually getting the help you need! it took me a long time before I started seeing a professional about it. And a lot of people they don't even dare to take that step. Acknowledge your accomplishments man. As you progress in your healing, these fears will be a thing of the past. Don't worry about it now. The right things will come when the time is right as you continue on your journey.

Ar1992, I'm glad you say that. After writing it I felt ashamed and worried that you wouldn't approve of it. That you'd think I was stupid for writing all of that in such a long message. I have actually not spoken with anyone about these things, just kept them in my head. So writing them down and trying to tell them to you was difficult. Lets keep it up!


Hey guys, I relapsed today. I feel a bit ashamed for writing it, but to be honest, I don't care about it. It's such a small slip. I see so much improvement in my other areas in life I just feel excited to get back on track and continue focusing on those areas, making my life better. Before I would get stuck in the shame, and start to criticize myself with a lot of negative self-talk. Not today.

Why did I relapse? Not listening to my body. I was really tired when I came home, but forced myself to sit at the computer to do some work rather than let it be and just focus on resting. I have noticed that when I am exhausted I am much more accessible to these urges. So today, the flashbacks from my edging two days ago got too much and I ended up PMO'ing. Well, just take a deep breath, say thanks for the experience, thanks for the guidance, and get back on track here and now. Looking forward to my new day1 tomorrow.

take care.
« Last Edit: September 03, 2015, 02:49:56 PM by Sunborn »
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Dareius

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #15 on: September 03, 2015, 08:16:43 AM »
Hey Sunborn,

thanks alot for your kind words, you reminded me what I already achieved in my live and what I m doing atm, which I very often forget.

I really really like your attitude. Very positive one you have going there, really inspiring! As for your relapse, there is no need to feel ashamed we are totally with you, you got such a good drive, dont let it touch you. Be aware of the chasereffect though. It probably will come, so dont give in. Your attitude is great, so is your willpower. Resist it and keep on going, you are doing amazing.

Cheers Dareius

Ar1992

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #16 on: September 03, 2015, 05:59:51 PM »
Hey sunborn,

Believe it or not you were the first person I spoke to about those things as well! It was nice to share those thoughts, thank you for the kind words.

As for the relapse, you're already one day past it, and dude I completely agree with you. One day at a time dude, you're doing awesome and still making so much progress. The way I see it, it's more than just going for a good streak of consecutive days with no porn, more about little steps than long consecutive streaks, ie- going from using everyday to using one time every two days, then once every three days, then once a week, then once every two weeks, month, 3 months, etc (you get it). You're doing awesome dude.

Sunborn

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #17 on: September 06, 2015, 08:16:46 AM »
Thanks Daerius for your kind words.

Ar1992 that's cool to hear! I think sharing stories like this is healing. You bring out some strong points. Thats how I try to see this process. Taking small steps every day. Those small steps will in time grow into longer periods of time until the habit is changed. Keep on taking your steps!


Hey guys. Today I'm sad. I actually feel quite heart-broken. I am reminded of how I deny myself love and beauty. Since my relapse the days have been alright. Not much to report actually.. one or two flashbacks. Other than that, spent some more time with my ex. It was beautiful. She asked me if I wanted to be together with her again. I said I don't know.. that it's too soon. Maybe in the future but I couldn't say. I could tell that broke her heart a bit. She told me she's been hoping to get together with me again, that after we had healed what we needed to heal we would figure it all out.

And for me it's like.. how can you say that? how can you be so sure of wanting me back in the future, we don't know who will be then. We don't know what life will look like, what our dreams will be. If we have the same goals. But I'm afraid it all comes down to me being so terrified of letting love in. I just don't dare to set my heart on something and go with it just because I believe in it. I am sick and tired of being denied love and beauty in my life. It hurts. Every time I try to allow it in it just ends up in more pain. Today I feel like I haven't learned anything these past years. That I am back on square one. A lost little boy, just wanting to be loved, not knowing how to.


Everyone around me tells me that they can see how much I am in love with my ex. And she tells me she can see it. But cannot seem to be able to recognize it in myself. I don't trust my feelings. I am used to denying them. I don't believe my feelings of love are true or valid. Right now I am in grief because of this. I want her, but I don't trust my feeling of wanting her. I don't believe in it. I try to push it away.

I'm in dangerous territory. This kind of emotional pain is the reason why I began with porn at a young age. But I believe I can walk into it without relapsing. I know I need to allow myself these feelings, and feel the fully. I hope it will turn out alright. I can't help but ask.. when will I ever trust and love myself?
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fletchgibbons

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #18 on: September 06, 2015, 04:31:52 PM »
Dude, Sunborn. I'm in the same boat with you. I deny myself love all the time. For example this beautiful girl I met this summer was so interested in me, it took me by surprise.  Without going into to many details, I messed up by denying myself to love another. Letting my mind tell me I'm not worthy of love and I'm no good for another human being.

I remember I used to be able to love, before I went through the downward spiral of porn. I think in our cases, the furthur we get past and forget about porn, we will be able to love other human beings again and not feel so much shame.

Stay strong man! Peace.

mtaha2015

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #19 on: September 07, 2015, 12:14:10 PM »
love is painful.

that's why I said "Love is just a waste of time."

emotional pain can lead you towards porn again.
you need enjoyment and distraction.
distract yourself from emotional thoughts.

Dareius

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #20 on: September 08, 2015, 02:47:49 AM »
Hey Sunborn,

I ll have to think about a longer answer here. But one thing I am most certain about, is that runnnig away from your feelings, no matter how bad you got hurt will NOT work. You can distract yourself but than the problems will constantly become bigger until you have to face them again. Meditate if you arent alrdy doing it.

Love is totally not a waste of time. And the fact that you enjoy the company of this girl, just talking with her as you said is great. I can understand the pain you are having in some ways. Dont give up hope man.

Cheers Dareius, I ll write again.

Sunborn

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #21 on: September 10, 2015, 02:31:06 PM »
Thanks for the support guys. It's always refreshing to see you drop buy and share some of your thoughts.

Mtaha2015, I disagree with you. I think your perspective is severely limiting. We need to stop self-medicating our selves when we feel discomfort or pain. Yes, it can lead to porn. Thats why we have to FEEL the pain. Not run from it. Ofcourse, if we are not prepared or ready to face the pain yet, then its better to run until we are. But the goal is to reach a point where we become vulnerable and completely open for life. Pain is a part of living. It has its place in life just as joy.

Dareius, cheers. I understand this as well. Thanks for your words.




Hey guys, I'm in on day 8 again. And now edging this time. Going strong. A lot of things are working in my life right now. After sunday's emotional breakdown I feel lighter and stronger. I'm confident I came in touch with some old emotional luggage and was able to release it. Because of this, I feel more loving than before. It's a pleasant feeling.

Feels like different parts of my life are flowing well. I just signed a contract for a new flat and will be moving in a few weeks. I've been hoping for this opportunity to come for some time no, so I'm incredibly thankful for my desire becoming a reality. I love my new job. I get to create a lot of cool stuff and have a lot of fun. I also feel more motivated to take up old hobbies I used to have a long time ago, like life drawing. I am really starting to feel excited about building a better life. And I can't remember feeling it to this extent before. Right now I want to manifest more confidence in my life, as well as integrity. I also want to surround myself with more creativity and beauty. Be it people, activities, or whatever wants to come. I'll leave that open.

Keep on going strong.
« Last Edit: September 10, 2015, 03:18:59 PM by Sunborn »
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"Porn addiction is not the cause of your shitty life. Porn is the symptom."

Sunborn

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #22 on: September 10, 2015, 02:32:59 PM »
Mekka, sorry didn't see your post. Thanks. I agree with you. Deciding to give up porn and build a better life for ourselves is an act of self-love. And the more we are able to love ourselves, the more we can love another. Good look to you on your journey towards love.
« Last Edit: September 10, 2015, 03:15:08 PM by Sunborn »
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"Porn addiction is not the cause of your shitty life. Porn is the symptom."

whitewolffed

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #23 on: September 14, 2015, 11:43:28 AM »
Sunborn,

Just wanted to drop in and say hi. I am inspired by your story and progress. At different points in my addiction and recovery I've felt many of the same things you have. It's so mind blowing to me how similar this journey can be for each of us, and yet how individual and personal.

I don't have much to say, just congrats on 11 days and I want to let you know that you're THE man. I look forward to continuing to see your progress.

Sunborn

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Re: I could have given up but didn't
« Reply #24 on: September 17, 2015, 12:38:12 PM »
Thanks man, I'm glad to hear that. One of the most important things about sharing our experiences is that we become mirrors for each other. It shows us that we are not alone, and that what we thought we were the only one's experiencing we in fact face share with many. It's very healing. Thanks for the encouragement!


Hey everyone. I'm in on day 14/15. Really starting to experience some edging now. Been looking at porn for two days. Not masturbation or Orgasm though. But the fact that I end up there tells me I need to re-focus. Part of me wants to give in to it and just.. have a blast you know. Another part of me wants to leave it behind. I'm proud though. When I make it past tomorrow I will have broken my past record of 15 days. For me it will be a tremendous victory. For the past 13 years I haven't been able to abstain from PMO for more than that.. Once I make it past 16 days my next goal will be 21.

Other than that my life is pretty good right now. Getting into my new routines at work, although it's tiresome. I spend 4 hours every day on travelling which is very draining. Good thing is I will move soon and cut that travelling time down to two and a half. Started finding time to hit the gym in the evenings even when travelling like this, which feels good. I really need to pick up on meditation again though. I've been neglecting that. Part of my edging is because my mind is undisciplined. As soon as a thought appears I follow it when I know with daily meditation I will build the focus and awareness to leave it be.

Over-all I'm happy with the progress. See you later.
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"Porn addiction is not the cause of your shitty life. Porn is the symptom."