Author Topic: My #ihateporn Journal  (Read 12775 times)

LeirTheFox

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #50 on: November 04, 2015, 01:26:02 PM »
Day 22:

Mornings have been rough the past few.  Been waking up wanting to M and O. Haven't had the urge for P as much as I'd thought, but ready to be sexually active again. 

Again, one of the biggest takeaways for me has been learning serious self control.  Started to edge yesterday w/ my hand and stopped and hopped in the shower. Every time i'm tempted, I just remember why I'm doing this, and that I don't NEED an orgasm.  It's been hard, but truly so freeing. I"ve lived my whole adult life feeling like I needed sex/orgasms,and to go over 20 days without one is a huge milestone.  I also think about why I NEED to do this. My addiction is so destructive, and M'ing or edging will only perpetuate it. 

So grateful for this forum and YBOP.

Keep fighting guys!

Good one, man. You're getting into the hardest parts of no-PMO, but it's great that you're pressing on. We're at your side!
One great way to deal with edging is to realize what makes you edge, where it starts, and being able to identify it and deny it. Countering the thought with a strong decision works wonders. Besides, that advice I put might help you :)

Stay strong!
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firstofall22

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #51 on: November 05, 2015, 04:20:11 AM »
Stay strong, mate. It's not an easy way, but you can do it if you focus! There is nothing more important than a life without this addiction so keep the days coming. Much power
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




cknfella

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #52 on: November 05, 2015, 09:27:32 PM »
Day 23!!!!!!!!!!

So excited to see progress.

Two things I've noticed
- I've never had a flatline, but I think I've hit one.  I quit having morning wood two days ago, and seems like the temptation to M has dropped off significantly.   Would this be considered a flatline? I didn't think I'd get one, as I feel as though I have a pretty high drive, but this has been interesting. I feel almost asexual at the moment.
- My thoughts seem to have shifted dramatically. They don't always seem on the edge of pornographic anymore, which is fantastic.


Anyone else feel this way during a flatline? 

MrDude

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #53 on: November 05, 2015, 10:57:39 PM »
I can't confirmed that a flat line is like that since I can't tell if I have experienced one, but I've felt the same for sure. It feels great, like your not a "born to reproduce" creature. Just be careful when stress and fatigue combines, temptations are likely to come back a bit, but that's not regression at all. I would say that I feel asexual as you said for a week or two, followed by few days of cravings and then it starts over (I mean, this cycle, not my reboot).

What I observed thru weeks is that even though cravings come back periodically, they are less and less problematic and related to P. For instance, this week I was craving to see beautiful woman with a dress. And not to M at all, just to contemplate and wish to meat one. The tough of looking at P is starting to turn me off strangely, I really want to have something real. A hug would be great.

Man, you're doing good progress. I'm sure your wife is proud of you and you're a great example for your kids. In their hearts, you're really the best father.

Have a good one!

igetum

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #54 on: November 05, 2015, 11:20:37 PM »
Had flatlines during my first reboot. It felt just as you described. It is like you forget about sex for a moment.

cknfella

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #55 on: November 07, 2015, 01:28:18 AM »
Struggle and urges came back tonight. Started to edge. No P or M, but read some online forums I shouldn't have.  Going to bed!

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #56 on: November 07, 2015, 02:37:00 AM »
Don't let it discourage you, keep strong!


I should type something witty down here.

My Journal:
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=6955.75

firstofall22

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #57 on: November 07, 2015, 05:18:40 PM »
I can't confirmed that a flat line is like that since I can't tell if I have experienced one, but I've felt the same for sure. It feels great, like your not a "born to reproduce" creature. Just be careful when stress and fatigue combines, temptations are likely to come back a bit, but that's not regression at all. I would say that I feel asexual as you said for a week or two, followed by few days of cravings and then it starts over (I mean, this cycle, not my reboot).

What I observed thru weeks is that even though cravings come back periodically, they are less and less problematic and related to P. For instance, this week I was craving to see beautiful woman with a dress. And not to M at all, just to contemplate and wish to meat one. The tough of looking at P is starting to turn me off strangely, I really want to have something real. A hug would be great.

Man, you're doing good progress. I'm sure your wife is proud of you and you're a great example for your kids. In their hearts, you're really the best father.

Have a good one!

I love this post man, it gives me hope!!

Greets at you all, stay strong
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




cknfella

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #58 on: November 08, 2015, 11:14:12 AM »
Guys,

Been struggling lately by reading some Reddit posts about sex.  Been a form of edging, so I'm sharing with you guys.  I'm committing to staying off reddit, those forums, unlike these are very unhelpful.

Here's to pressing into day 26!!

MrDude

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #59 on: November 09, 2015, 12:23:22 AM »
Ah ya, those forums. They became a P substitute for me as well in my previous years of fight against P. I was reading them for two reasons:

1- Read exciting stuff (clearly a P sub)
2- Convince myself that I've a very different sexual lifestyle and that I shouldn't be ashamed of how P transformed me.

I know we are very good at convincing ourselves that it's helping us to go browse those threads on reddit. But it's really not helping. Instead it's mentally pleasuring ourselves with stuff that isn't real and making us believe that we're totally alright sexually.

I use a lot of "we" since I've started wandering around last week on Wikipedia in topics about weird sexual tastes, problems, orientations, etc. I've stop there, I saw the bad trend. It was a stressful week I've figure out.

So here's my advice. Really don't waste your time in these forums, even if some thread have a serious approach, you risk to fall into P again very subtly. Try to identify why is this form of craving appearing right now. Is there something stressful?

It's good man that you're writing it here rather than keeping it for yourself with some bad excuse: "Oh well, it's not P, I don't need to write about that". It reflects how committed you are. That's good!

I like to follow your progress, it's... progressing ;)
(seriously)

Have a good night!

cknfella

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #60 on: November 09, 2015, 09:35:57 PM »
Mr Dude -
Day 27 -
Your honesty and advice is really encouraging. Admitting that what I was doing was edging was so important and hearing you confirm it is helpful, definitely a sub.  I was trolling others experiences and it was definitely not helpful.  I briefly shared with my bride and we added Reddit to our "blocked" site via our accountability software, so won't be going there anymore.

This week marks Day 30, no O or sex, and I'm really grateful I did this. I think I could further.  Some days I think I should, most I'm really ready to start rewiring. It's frustrating to see some days I really have progress, I think it's more than just a flatline.  Subs simply don't have the pull they use to, but other days they have a surprisingly strong hold. I'm no where near where I need to be, won't be sporting my iPhone anytime soon, but I think I'm making progress.

Very encouraging to hear you affirm that, man. Some days I doubt my progress, so glad others are seeing it.

Friday night I'm hoping to plan a special date night at the house for my wife, and planning on having sex Fri night.  Looking forward to it!

cknfella

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #61 on: November 10, 2015, 07:30:25 AM »
Day 28 -

Guys - great victory this morning!
Had to do some work on the computer before the fam got up, knew I'd be tempted.
Fought for a while, and then finally went to go look at a Psub.  Before I even saw one inch of skin on the computer, i closed out the video and just kept working.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT!! P and PSubs kill your marriage guys. My wife has been hurt so many times by my lack of self control.  Keep fighting for those you love, this is the only way to live.

firstofall22

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #62 on: November 11, 2015, 08:19:03 AM »
Keep fighting, man!! Great story, you are doing very well!

Bernie
Nothing's gonna break my stride. :)




LeirTheFox

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #63 on: November 11, 2015, 12:26:30 PM »
Day 28 -

Guys - great victory this morning!
Had to do some work on the computer before the fam got up, knew I'd be tempted.
Fought for a while, and then finally went to go look at a Psub.  Before I even saw one inch of skin on the computer, i closed out the video and just kept working.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT!! P and PSubs kill your marriage guys. My wife has been hurt so many times by my lack of self control.  Keep fighting for those you love, this is the only way to live.

Good one, man. Don't give up.
We're at your side. Good thing you dropped the P-Sub before it was too late. You're just two days up to the 1st goal!

Keep fighting the good fight. Your journal has been an inspiration for me so far. Until I started reading yours, all I knew was how no-PMO affected young guys like me who were single and had no responsibility to significant others. Thanks for your sharing :)

So here's a little feedback
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cknfella

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #64 on: November 11, 2015, 09:04:10 PM »
Day 29:

Guys,

Thank you for your support, y'all are awesome.

Leir, your comment was really encouraging. I hate parts of my story, the ways I've fallen and hurt my wife and sinned against God, but I'm grateful for redemption He has given me, and I'm glad my story can be used to help point other guys towards purity.  That is my desire. I remember being 19, 20, 21 and literally spending all of my spare time doing nothing but P&M. Not only was it a waste of my sexuality, energy, social life...it set me up TERRIBLY for marriage.

P&M IS NOTHING LIKE MARRIAGE!  Marriage is beautiful, passionate, intimate, special, and actually most of your time is not about sex, it's about life and love and sacrifice. 

Guys, fight for your marriage or future marriage. Your brides will thank you!

Anyway - Can't believe tomorrow is day 30, hard mode.  When I first heard of hard mode, I really honestly thought it was impossible. I was so impressed by you guys who are doing it.  Excited that I've given up something I want badly, to fight for something even better.  My wife, my heart and my sexuality.  I know sex is going to be even better after this. 

Giving into every sexual urge is no way to live.  That part of my life is over.

Keep fighting guys!!

cknfella

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #65 on: November 12, 2015, 03:55:06 PM »
DAY THIRTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, guys. I'm stoked. 

30 days, no P, M or O.  Can not really believe it.  Never thought I could've done something like this, and I owe it all to God's grace, and learning so much about my addiction through this forum and YBOP.

Thanks for all your help guys!

Ok, enough celebrating.  ;)

Here are my goals for the next 30.

- Continue no PMO and no P Subs
- Continue to understand the difference between abstaining from porn and living life without it.  I'm not trying to live life just avoiding porn, I'm trying to fully live my life w/o it.  Meaning, I'm not constantly thinking about P and M.
- Meditate more


Thanks for all the encouragement, especially Leir and MrDude.  You guys rock.



Wabbajack

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #66 on: November 12, 2015, 05:51:11 PM »
Congratulations, this is big :) You did great! Trust me, the next 30 days will pass quicker, the one after that even more quick! Just don't let down your guard, it can be tricky - found it out myself and now I struggle ;)
http://bit.ly/1Nslpen -> MY JOURNAL, read and comment :)

MrDude

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #67 on: November 12, 2015, 11:20:17 PM »
I'm happy for you, this is great news. You've put a lot of efforts into this and it pays. I've no doubts that you are more than able to do the remaining. Not that it will be a piece of cake,but you're a lot stronger than you were.

I like to see how your faith is helping you. I'm not considering myself as Christian but more as  a spiritual agnostic. I see how helpful it is to have this relation with God inside you, it makes you stronger. You have a beacon for when the path fades in the dark. That's a plus.

Careful for cravings after sex, even if it's the real deal, it can definitely bring back a bit of cravings for P.

It's good to see you (well "read you") do well like that. 30 days hard mode that's something! Your wife is lucky to have an husband like you who cares for her and your child's.

Have a good night man, you're killing this thing!

LeirTheFox

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #68 on: November 13, 2015, 06:48:24 AM »
DAY THIRTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, guys. I'm stoked. 

30 days, no P, M or O.  Can not really believe it.  Never thought I could've done something like this, and I owe it all to God's grace, and learning so much about my addiction through this forum and YBOP.

Thanks for all your help guys!

Ok, enough celebrating.  ;)

Here are my goals for the next 30.

- Continue no PMO and no P Subs
- Continue to understand the difference between abstaining from porn and living life without it.  I'm not trying to live life just avoiding porn, I'm trying to fully live my life w/o it.  Meaning, I'm not constantly thinking about P and M.
- Meditate more


Thanks for all the encouragement, especially Leir and MrDude.  You guys rock.

Hey man, I'm really happy for you. Thirty days of battles, each one beaten day by day. Cheers!

MrDude noticed an interesting to your journey: It's impressive how your faith had kept you going. Like him, I'm more of a spiritual agnostic too (with inclinations to eastern philosophies), but we can all see how it helped you. Keep it up. Also, your family (and doing it for them) were another beautiful example of motivation. You're not doing it just for you, but for everybody your life touches. And this transcends through your actions and decisions. It's amazing!

Also, I'm pretty sure you can beat the next 30 days. You already done a huge step by understanding the cravings, the desire and how it correlates to the state of the brain. Understanding that is vital to keep going.

My only advice, as you approach more a healthier sexual condition, is to watch out for the Chaser Effect. Many had let the guard down thinking that, after finally succeeding on sex, they got it solved and don't need to concern with that anymore... and you can see where this goes, right?

But we're sure you're not going to do that. You're kicking this one like a badass. Keep rockin', man! ;D
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MrDude

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #69 on: November 16, 2015, 11:03:46 PM »
Hey, how are you doing man? Life is good?

Have a good night!

LeirTheFox

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #70 on: November 18, 2015, 11:46:21 AM »
Hey man, you still there? Haven't read from you for awhile, and it seems I'm not the only one.

We miss you! Keep us posted.
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cknfella

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #71 on: November 20, 2015, 07:35:03 PM »
Felllaassss....

Missed you guys!

Sorry - I just realized today, I haven't posted on here in a while.

Things have been going really well overall. 

Like I said previously, my wife and i just have had our second child and sex has been difficult, but that didn't stop my wife from giving me a tremendous night the night of the 30th.  Still can't believe I went 30 days without an O. 

Now an update -

So far, I've noticed a tremendous shift in my mind sexually.  I'm not buzzing all the time with super sexual thoughts, which frankly makes my life a whole lot better.  Sex has been diminished to a normal portion of my life again.  My wife and I are sexual, it's awesome, and then I move on. I'm not obsessing, edging, fantasizing, touching myself, etc all the time.  This has given me a tremendous amount of focus, professional and spiritual drive, and I think has made me a better husband as well.

My sensitivity and fun level during sexual activity has gone up as well. 
One of my goals is to have a fully functional sex life that doesn't involve guilt or anxiety of any kind, which was driven by me looking at P and subs online a part from my wife.

Guys...just don't do it.  Your wives will be so thankful.

Anyways, yes, my faith has been a tremendous help in this.  Knowing that God has created me as a sexual being, and that he gets  glory in my using my sexuality properly gives me joy.  God created this incredible thing, so He has also created the "how to" use it as well.  Anything outside of that, like porn, only perpetuates a brokenness in me that never was filled.

How are you guys doing?  See the counters look good. You guys are awesome. Keep it up!

MrDude

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #72 on: November 22, 2015, 11:29:03 PM »
Waw, that's good. You're changing in a good way man. I'm glad to see that your intimacy with your wife is back to normal. I hope everything is going well with your second child.

How was it after several O. Have you felt that cravings where coming back or was it quite manageable?

You'll see, the remaining of your reboot won't be without challenges but will go much faster. I have to admit, I was a little bit anxious to hear from you. I wished the best and it looks like that's what happened.

Have a good night man and don't forget to say to your wife how much you love her because I see how much you do and it will for sure warm her heart ;)

cknfella

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #73 on: November 29, 2015, 12:13:51 AM »
Guys - away for the weekend, terrible P dreams last night.  Need some help!

Also, M'd twice a week ago. First time in long time. Shared with wife, and moving forward.

CrazyGopher

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Re: My #ihateporn Journal
« Reply #74 on: November 29, 2015, 10:58:46 AM »
Same thing happened to me a few days ago ckn, the P dreams that is. :'( I don't know why this happens to us... but I know it's rough :'(

I changed my routine up a bit to get off the computer earlier at night, so I wouldn't feel tempted... it seemed to help? Now after a few days, I feel back to normal again.

Good luck my man, keep posting if you feel tempted, it helps bigtime
« Last Edit: November 29, 2015, 11:05:37 AM by CrazyGopher »