Author Topic: Rock Bottom  (Read 13621 times)

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #25 on: August 17, 2015, 06:10:21 PM »
Time to make myself sleep. Can't get into trouble that way

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #26 on: August 17, 2015, 09:55:32 PM »
Numb. No cravings, no nothing... I don't like this

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #27 on: August 17, 2015, 11:41:01 PM »
I am free.
I don't need that fix.
I am free.
I control my mind.
I am free.
I reject your comfort.
I am free.
I decide what is good.
I am free.
I for the first time in a long time feel.
I am free.
I cherish my freedom.
I AM FREE!
« Last Edit: August 18, 2015, 01:40:25 PM by Lost Druid »

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #28 on: August 18, 2015, 02:20:33 PM »
I'm still alive. I'm still clean. I'm stronger than the urge to go numb. Feelings are a good... Painful but good. I hope one day she can look at me and not see Josh... only Leahm remains and I know that's gonna take time. I'm taking another step in about 2 hours. I'm calling my ex wife " the first wife " to come clean about the things we never talked about. I'm going to apologize and hope that she can forgive me, it might make it a little easier to forgive myself.

Bango Skank

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #29 on: August 18, 2015, 04:31:25 PM »
Funny I feel similar after 5 days, dull and detached. No cravings, no arousal, nothing. I expected to be bouncing off the walls about now, not flatlining.

Anyway, hope your phone call is a productive one...

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #30 on: August 18, 2015, 05:29:10 PM »
Thanks Bango. Actually went really well at least in my eyes. She let go of the past a long time ago so I can now too. I don't pretend that is gonna fix my problems but I feel a certain level of peace.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #31 on: August 18, 2015, 10:25:25 PM »
My support group is growing by small degrees yet despite who hard I try the one person I really want standing with me lis having a hard time seeing me as Leahm. I know its new, and a huge change... and Josh hurt her baddly... I barely know her but I feel a closeness with her that has nothing to do with wanting to be with her. All I know is I want to count this woman as a friend. I talk to the Goddess every night now I think healing for Raven will one of the things I ask her for. Before I started my recovery I only thought about myself, continuing that during my recovery would be counter productive. After I ask for strength I think I'm gonna ask for light and blessing for those who are supporting me with this. I didn't have planned out what I was gonna say when I started writing its sort of just poring out of me. Well its late and I need some sleep before I face work tomorrow. Wish me luck brother/sisters.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #32 on: August 18, 2015, 10:54:47 PM »
Just wrote a letter to the person I use to be. I don't have the energy left to post it now. Tomorrow I'll do it. I need sleep. It felt good.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #33 on: August 19, 2015, 02:49:08 PM »
Time to name my blessings.

Brandon - my oldest friend, my brother if not in blood then in deed. Anyone who will sit on the phone with you while you ball your eyes out at 3:30 am is worthy of a title better than friend.

Momo - You barely know me but you took time to listen without judging me. You offered me advice and support and showed me kindness that was not required. Thank you.

Amanda - I didn't expect much from you when I called you to talk about some of the things we never talked about. You surprised me by opening your heart. Telling me you let go of the past and were willing to be my friend. Thank you.

Raven - You as much as anyone on this list deserve my thanks. You woke me up to my problem. You gave me everything and I pushed it till it broke. I see now that I had it all and I was careless to let it fall... I am very sorry for your hurt. Yet still you are there for me, I can only imagine how hard it is for you but you stick with it. You have been more than I ever could have hoped for. Thank you.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #34 on: August 20, 2015, 09:42:02 PM »
Been lots of us and downs. Haven't slept in days. Still haven't broken and don't plan to. Promise to get back to regular posts asap

Bango Skank

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #35 on: August 21, 2015, 06:12:07 AM »
With you all the way dude. Shows a lot of strength to open up to those you care about. I ain't told nobody yet. Although my Mrs knows something is different about me.
Strength and courage like that will get you through, I have no doubt.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #36 on: August 21, 2015, 03:21:07 PM »
Yeah man I didn't know what I was losing until I lost something huge. I wish I could take it all back I wish I could make the pain I caused go away... but I can't. I caused this. Yes porn is the problem but my choices are the cause. I spent last night with my kids that live with my first wife. As I said before I am still in shock that she is being supportive with this but very greatful that she is. I'm sure it's gonna cause all kinds of rumors and bullshit."he sayed with his ex wife..." But fuck um. I know the truth of the matter and so dose she. At one time she was my best and closest friend. We are far from those days now but as we talked and jokes I could almost feel that bond again. As with all the people I've hurt or pushed away I know its gonna take time to build up the trust again. I will not fail in this.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #37 on: August 22, 2015, 05:46:31 PM »
Been a down day today. Been focusing to much on what I've lost and not enough of what I might gain. My support group allbhave their own lives to live and I can expect them to be there for me 24/7. Just feeling really lonely. Nothing to be done for it but to keep going.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #38 on: August 23, 2015, 01:40:45 PM »
Got some things left unsaid, said. Moving forward not trusted but with open eyes upon me. As Richard Blane once said "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship"

Casablanca 1942
« Last Edit: August 23, 2015, 05:43:56 PM by Lost Druid »

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #39 on: August 24, 2015, 08:12:30 AM »
I find myself thinking about what I've lost and where I am. I hate myself for what I lost, for the pain I've caused, for the woman I broke. But those choices are in my past, where they will remain. I can call the one I hurt most asside from myself of courses, a friend. If nothing else I am truly blessed to be able to do that. Even if nothing grows from our friendship I still intend to spend my life showing her, the others I've hurt, and myself that I am a better man then they have seen so far. For that to truely happen I must first forgive myself.

Lost Druid,

      I understand that everyone makes bad choices, you have made many. You have cost yourself, the future you had planned, and the woman you loved. You have pushed away friends and family, and missed out on being able to share g both joy and grief with others. You put yourself in a numb state and gave up on everything. Dispite all of that, I forgive you. Because you have chosen to stop your destructive behavior both to yourself and those around you, you have taken the first steps to becoming a real man. Someone who may one day even be trusted, someone who one day may even be loved. I forgive you because you are human, and we all make porlor choices. Move forward with your own pleasing. Be strong and take care of those you have neglected.

Bango Skank

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #40 on: August 24, 2015, 03:09:04 PM »
You seem to be beating up on yourself quite hard about it mate. Guilt I have found is painful and not terribly productive. Give yourself the respect you need to push forward and make a better future for yourself (and those around you).

I've got my own including why the fuck I didn't see this years ago. How PMO among other compulsions was keeping my marriage in a kind of drugged state and how different life might have been without it. I'm lucky to have what I have now, a large part through happy circumstance.

Don't berate yourself too much, your choices are half chance. So are everybody elses. - Mary Schmich.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #41 on: August 24, 2015, 03:28:15 PM »
Thanks again as always Bango. I need to remind myself of what this has cost me and forgive myself. I'm not the man I was when I started... I'll never be that man again. That fills me with both joy and hope.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #42 on: August 26, 2015, 09:29:14 PM »
Just hit a massive depression wall. I don't know what to think or feel right now. Haven't broken yet. Going to bed so I can behave myself.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #43 on: August 27, 2015, 01:54:18 PM »
Made 2 weeks today. Life is looking WAY up. Still have my moments but I'm very happy.

Wolverine

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #44 on: August 27, 2015, 02:31:01 PM »
Hay man

Good job two weeks! For me it was always the toughest time after two weeks, but it is a matter of proper mindset and daily routines, so remember to keep up wit your plan every single day, one day at the time.

Best of luck bro

PIED64

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #45 on: August 27, 2015, 03:37:48 PM »
Hey Druid,

Congrats on the 2 weeks milestone!  I made it there just shy of a week ago myself.  I continue to have my moments as well, not so much thinking about P or MO, but just generally feeling down from time to time.  Life is already so much better than it was 20 days ago.  I totally relate, life is looking up, keep looking up.

Earlier on I kept thinking, how could I not have realized what was causing the problems I was having.  At this point I have moved forward from those thoughts.  At the moment and going forward I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize.

In reading through your journal I found many things I relate to.  Stay the course, stick to your plan, one day at a time like Wolverine said.  Remember to celebrate your victories along the way!

Bango Skank

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #46 on: August 28, 2015, 07:17:26 AM »
Hey matey good work 2 weeks..! If you're anything like me it will start to get even better for you soon, fingers crossed. Seriously it's embracing the good things that will heal you more than rejecting the bad. Best wishes to you fella.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #47 on: August 31, 2015, 09:28:22 PM »
Been a few day. I'm still here and still strong. Been tested and proven my metal. I am tempered I am strong I am sharp.

Bango Skank

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #48 on: September 01, 2015, 01:00:30 AM »
Good to hear fro you. Keep posting and keep marching on.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #49 on: September 03, 2015, 08:58:52 AM »
Three weeks today. Wow. I can't remember the last time I went so long and felt so good.