Author Topic: Rock Bottom  (Read 14349 times)

Lost Druid

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Rock Bottom
« on: August 14, 2015, 01:56:09 PM »
I am a porn addict.... Here it goes, if I can't let it all out I'm never gonna get better.... My cycle always starts the same. I look at images. Then that's not enough so I move to videos, sooner or later that's not enough and I seek out people to sext with. My behavior has caused a huge rift in my marriage, one I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to mend. The guilt I feel when I watch causes me to push my wife away and I would feel lonely, the more lonely I feel the more I wanna look at porn. I have hurt her so much that she has turned to someone else to make her feel alive. We haven't seperated, I feel that I pushed her to where she is and demanding her to stop seeing him would only cause the rift to widen. I am here to help myself and to become a man worthy of her love. I feel so lost and alone right now. I have been considering suicide as well but I'll never get better if I give up like that. I need help.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2015, 01:05:23 AM »
Nearly a full 24 hours here and I feel so alone. My wife is dividing her time not so event between her friends, her "friend" and what little is left over with me. I am not pushing her because she said she needs space to think. All I want is to have her hold me and tell me everything is all right. But its not and I know its gonna take time. I haven't slipped yet and do not plan to but its really hard right now with how lonely I feel.

Philgood63

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2015, 02:46:28 AM »
Hey Lost Druid,

You're not alone if you hang out there on this forum, you know, plenty of us face same kind of issues ! As porn is not an option, suicide is not an option at all, the only option left for all of us is : becoming a better man, only THIS goal is worth it.

You're aware of the problem : that's half the way done ! You love your wife and want to regain her confidence, that's another part of the road. Now it's up to you, you have the will, the tools (on this site and YourBrainOnPorn, if you still have not looked at it), I'm sure you have the strength inside you (otherwise you would not be here, right ?) so... let's do it my friend. It's hard to begin (it took me more than a year to withstand more than 2 weeks without PMO !) but every step makes you better.

Give yourself this chance, do not stay alone, read the threads on this forum, find inspiration, ideas, strength, write your feelings, your doubts, your progress, and you will do it. Take care.
Neither lover nor wanker !

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2015, 03:22:17 AM »
I just spend nearly an hour on the phone with a close friend. I was at the breaking point and chose instead of porn reach out. He and I haven't really been close in years and I didnt know what to expect at 3:30 am. Be he was there for me. I avoided falling into a destructive pattern again with some help. After our talk I'm feeling a little stronger. I'm still feeling very low but I still have a glimmer of hope.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2015, 03:33:47 AM »
Philgood63
Thanks for the support. I can't tell you how much it means to me. Things are dark right now but I have hope. That's what what is keeping me going right now. I'm kinda surprised how easy it was too start sharing with complete strangers. I think I'm gonna start writing again. I use to be a fair poet but words in general, in print, have always come easy to me. I think I'll write a letter to my old "dealer" telling them how I don't want or need them anymore, and suggest like alachol and gambling they share a link, for those looking to break porns grip, to this site. I know I'm new here but less than 24 hours and already I've been offered words of encouragement. I will keep up with this site and my brother and sisters in recovery.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2015, 03:58:39 AM »
My wepon is my pen.
My adversary, my demon.
If now is not the time to fight then when?

I have dawned my armor, and have my boots tied tight.
The road to recovery starts with a single step.
My faith gives me strength, and guides me through the night.

Demon mine, you will fall beneath my sword.
I do not want you here.
Over your corpse, and to my future I will walk toward.

My first attempt at getting back to wrighting I hope it strikes someone.
« Last Edit: August 15, 2015, 04:00:49 AM by Lost Druid »

Bango Skank

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2015, 08:36:15 AM »
Taking time over lunch and happened to read through your story and I feel for you fella. I can't put it any better than Phil did though.

I love the poem, empowering and confident, which are exactly the kind of feelings you need to banish first the henchman which is guilt, and then move on to the main culprit, the addiction. I'm going to think about your poem this week when I get cravings...

We need to boot addiction out of our lives. Kick it's arse right out the door and take back what is ours. Better still, give it the business end of that sword of yours on the way out! I felt like getting that off my chest as it makes me angry to think of this little troll (for me the word demon is too flattering) inside each of our minds making us do this to ourselves. Anthropomorphising the problem (please don't laugh if I murdered that word) is a great way I find of steeling myself for a long hard fight, a secular version of the ever popular faith vs. Satan business I suppose.

All the best to you and keep posting. I know you/we can all do this.

conquista

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2015, 09:12:18 AM »
Much respect for sharing your story, and as you've seen we're all struggling & this is how great men grow through struggle, it's a never easy bro but through struggle u'll become stronger & stronger

here a lil book wish to share with u

link
hitmansystem.com/files/KnightInRustyArmor.pdf


Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2015, 09:56:38 PM »
Tonight is really tough. This is the first time I got to connect to unfiltered high speed internet since beginning my road to recovery. I took some advice from the most wonderful woman I know and turned up the music till I couldn't feel a fucking thing. I will not fail.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2015, 06:34:14 AM »
Just woke up to day 3. This is the worst I have felt yet. Staying strong because it's all I can do... I am worth more than this!
« Last Edit: August 16, 2015, 09:48:55 AM by Lost Druid »

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #10 on: August 16, 2015, 07:21:06 AM »
Music is life.

My friend sent me this song its or repeat right now.

Haste The Day - Stitches

Five words, five words is all it would take.
Five words to change your heart and mind.
In the heat of the sun I know you're the only one.
You still cant' hold yourself together.
Alone... Alone... All alone you have this conversation to satisfy your most intimate inner thoughts.
Then you bite your lip when it matters most.
A shade of red in sight.
Can you taste the blood?
Taste it on your lips.
Rip the seam.
Then I'll show you how the strings become the stitches in your mouth.
In your silence we are louder.
When the strings become the stitches in your mouth.
Your growing imagination preparing you for what your heart requires to say.
Then you bit your lip when it matters most.
A shade of red in sight.
Can you taste the blood? Taste it on your lips.
Rip the seam.
Then I'll show you how the strings become the stitches in your mouth.
In your silence we are louder.
When the strings become the stitches in your mouth.
Five words, repeating over in your head.
That's all you ever have to do.
Five words, repeating over in your head.
That's all you ever have to do.
Five words.
Is it really that hard to say you're worth more that this?
1) You're
2) worth
3) more
4) than
5) this.
Rip the seam.
Then I'll show you how the strings become the stitches in your mouth.
In you silence we are louder.
When the strings become the stitches in your mouth.

http://youtu.be/_vPdJoBMz6U

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #11 on: August 16, 2015, 08:00:11 AM »
The "industry" would have us believe that they product is fine, there is nothing wrong with it. Web sites offer suggestion based on what you like. They are telling you to watch more... My response...

FUCK YOU I WOULDN'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!
-Rage Against the Machine

Even the band name is relevant lol.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2015, 08:15:20 AM »
Music is life

Dropkicks Murphy
"The Warrior's Code"

You're the fighter you've got the fire
The spirit of a warrior, the champion's heart
You fight for your life because the fighter never quits
You make the most of the hand you're dealt
Because the quitter never wins
No!

You were born to box in a city that's seen their share
Mello, Ryan, Carney, among them your photo proudly hangs there
Above the bar in the Gaelic Club
They tell the story of a throwback
With the heart of a lion
They salute your glory

It's another murderous right
Another left hook from hell
A bloody war on the boardwalk
And the kid from Lowell rises to the bell

[Chorus:]
Micky
It's a warrior's code
Micky
He's got the warrior's soul

[Chorus]

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2015, 09:15:10 AM »
Loud music, and fulfilment of tasks I neglected before has me feeling stronger. I still can't say I feel good about myself but I feel better.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #14 on: August 16, 2015, 10:02:18 AM »
Just got a quick workout in, nothing intence more just a good streach. Then did my hair and shaved. I neglected myself when I was using I want to take better care of me from here on in.

PS. the only reason I didn't brush my teeth is cause I'm drinking coffee... The only thing worse than drinking coffee after brushing your teeth is drinking orange juice lol.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #15 on: August 16, 2015, 12:58:25 PM »
IMPORTANT!!!!

Today for the first time in a very long time I can honestly say I feel good about me! I know I still have a long way to go before I'm where I wanna be but I feel good about me!  :'(  ;D  8)

Bango Skank

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #16 on: August 16, 2015, 01:24:37 PM »
IMPORTANT!!!!

Today for the first time in a very long time I can honestly say I feel good about me! I know I still have a long way to go before I'm where I wanna be but I feel good about me!  :'(  ;D  8)

EXCELLENT!!!!

Glad to hear it, life ain't so bad is it old boy :)

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #17 on: August 16, 2015, 02:38:39 PM »
Thanks Bango. I still feel some type of way about what it cost me to get here but I will get through. Music man its fucking free therapy.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #18 on: August 16, 2015, 06:19:46 PM »
Having a moment right now that hurts so much... I just want to feel normal again... Problem is it's been so long I don't know what normal feels like anymore... My emotions are so all over the place right now its hard to breath... Thank the Goddess for the volume switch...

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #19 on: August 16, 2015, 10:45:51 PM »
The dark is so close I can't stand it... I only have a little spark inside of me... If I give in and relaps the spark will die. I can't let that happen. The only chance I have to survive is to hold on to that spark, protect it, feed it and not my demon. Think it's time for a cold shower and sone meditation.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #20 on: August 16, 2015, 11:08:11 PM »
Fuck you darkness. Fuck you despair. Fuck you weakness. I have control over me not fucking you. Somewhere along the line you turned off my heart. Well guess fucking what I have turned it back on and I be damned if I'm gonna let you anywhere near it.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #21 on: August 17, 2015, 05:29:47 AM »
The woman I loved and betrayed and I are trying something new. I have taken my Forum name as my true name. And we are treating each other as friends just getting to know each other. I plan to make this change legally when I have the funds too... I asked my friend last night what she sees when she looks at me. Her response quited my demons and restored my revolve. I'm feeling a little selifish right now and want to keep these words to myself. I'm sorry I have shared everything so far but this is mine. I am strong. I am fierce.

It's time to exercise these demons, these mother fuckers doing Jumping Jacks now
-Eminem
« Last Edit: August 17, 2015, 08:54:47 AM by Lost Druid »

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #22 on: August 17, 2015, 08:56:00 AM »
I may have lost her as a wife and mate but I'm gaining a great friend.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2015, 01:39:01 PM by Lost Druid »

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #23 on: August 17, 2015, 03:04:27 PM »
Long day at work full of mixed emotions... Everything is too loud, too bright, and too real... I'm not use to this. This is the world I live in however and I will endure.

Lost Druid

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Re: Rock Bottom
« Reply #24 on: August 17, 2015, 03:17:41 PM »
Time to make myself busy.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2015, 04:30:25 PM by Lost Druid »