Author Topic: newbie  (Read 7364 times)

hopeful

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newbie
« on: August 06, 2015, 04:32:36 PM »
hello everyone,
i'm a 46 year old man, married to a wonderful wife, who is also posting on this forum by the name hoopvol.
Three wonderful children, and from the outside, it looks like we are the perfect family.
But, there is a big dark cloud hanging over us.
Maybe when you read my wife's message , posted under the name HOOPVOL, you know what i mean.
From the age of 13, it all started, and slowly but surely the porn gets me in a viselike grip.
During the day, i longed to find an opportunity, for looking in these magazines over and over again.
Sometimes, it was like 10 minutes,ejaculate, and then my mission was accomplished.During a relationship, several years later, i did my best to keep it a secret.At times when i was alone, the porn found it's way back into my hands, and there we go again.
I didn't think of it as a problem during that time. I was just a healthy young man with a curious mind.When time past and we got married, i got hooked more and more. Also my wife knew already that i was keeping my addiction hidden from her.
Quite a few times she confronted me, tried to talk to me. Usually i replied with denial, anger, silence, or like "it was only one time". Every time i promised to stop, but never tried!The porn was here and here to stay.At that time i was completely bliss of the things happening around me, at home , at work.Slowly you go numb, and the only thing that matters is when can i watch porn again. I've read many similar stories on this forum.
My wife brought me to my sences, and i finally began to listen to her, and taking her more serious.The porn in my life was driving us apart, and there was no possibility of having a relationship, together with my addiction.
After seeing the Gabe video's, i was deeply suprised of the fact that his story is so similar to mine.I am not alone !
I'm very thankful that i can share my story with all of you.
Thanks for reading !



L.T.D.

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Re: newbie
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2015, 08:21:15 PM »
Welcome. You are not alone. It's a grind but persistence pays off. I'm only 2 weeks in and had PIED. Been having sex the past 3 days with minimal issues. That's just after 2 weeks. I can't wait to see the improvements a few months from now. It's never too late to improve yourself. The people here are kind and knowledgeable. Good luck and I look forward to your progress.

hopeful

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Re: newbie
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2015, 06:19:42 PM »
thanks for your reply!
It's good to know that there are quite a few out there , having the same struggle. Not a good thing though, seems to me that the porn issue is getting bigger every day.Internet has sky rocketed my abuse for sure.I'm currently talking about my addiction, to my wife every day.I'm so glad and thankful that she is so understanding.I'm convinced that we can fight this together.To me , honesty and opening up to your partner is key.
We now can have sex on an unconditional and loving way.I'm more and more relaxed in and around the house. Not worrying that she may discover anything of my hidden agenda, that used to be there.
A few weeks ago I had a nearby relapse, but was able to turn it around.It made feel sick inside and pulled me downTold my wife , and after all, it was the best thing to be honest. Hope to gain the trust that we used to have together as partners.
P.S.
My writing in English may not always be correct. It's a foreign language for me.

hopeful

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Re: newbie
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2015, 05:42:13 PM »
Right now I' m doing oké.My wife and I talk a lot, and she supports me .
Feeling good about myself, and  selfesteem is rising.Read in another post that MO can lead to PMO.
I agree,for me the connection is made too easily.I only want to concentrate on my partner.Although she oké with MO.
Keep sharing.

bob

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Re: newbie
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2015, 09:42:55 PM »
Welcome Hopeful.

So glad to have you here. This is a group of caring individuals who's main goal is to help folks break this additive behavior with porn. You are with friends. It is a place to be truly honest with yourself.

I received the most delightful response to a post I made on your wife's journal. I am sure you are well aware of the wonderful woman you have on your side; cherish and hold her dear.

sodonewithit

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Re: newbie
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2015, 11:13:29 PM »
Hello hopeful.  It's good to see you and the wife both here, amazing.  This is a strange journey but worth the reward.  I'd stayaway from the MO for a while as it only seems to set you back, iI've done it twice and now am thinking of at least a year before I even think about it again.   Keep posting I look forward to seeing how it goes.
My wife told me to be a participant not a voyeur, I think we should all do this.

Watched "Hot Girls Wanted", all us guys should.

hopeful

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Re: newbie
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2015, 06:56:03 PM »
dear friends,
thank you for the kind words.My wife was also touched by your replies.i'm more and more relaxed every day.This evening I went out for a couple of hours, to have a drink with some friends, and my wife was still there when I came home.
She used to be in bed when I came home late at night, but now she wants to see me, and talk to me.
Formerly I came home and turned to PMO, when she was in bed , but now everything has changed. this gives me such a good feeling !
I just want to say, that I no longer walk on my too's inside the house, cause I haven't got nothing to hide anymore.This is really liberating.
I'm open and honest in everything towards my spouse, one thing I never did before.
No PMO or even MO in weeks.
Working hard to reboot my brain right now.Thanks again for your support, and hope to talk to you soon.


bob

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Re: newbie
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2015, 10:15:31 PM »
Hopeful,

Isn't it amazing?

I don't get that dreaded pit in my stomach when my wife says, "can I see your computer for a second?"

In the past, I would stop and quickly run through the sites I may have visited. Did I delete my history? Will something accidentally come up? I have even had times when I would want to show someone something and I would do a search. BAM. Guess what showed up on the search.

Click, Click, Delete, Did I do it fast enough? Did anyone see that?

Honesty is so freeing.

So now it is; "sure you can see my computer."

I'm not on any sites that would cause me to be ashamed. I don't have any files that I don't want anyone to see. I am free!

Jaystock

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Re: newbie
« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2015, 12:22:53 AM »
I do remember  that. My wife would  want to see my phone, and I went into panic mode. She could  tell that I got a ton of anxiety. Praying  that I got  rid of all the trash I'd  been watching.  I'm sure glad those days are over. I would have been so ashamed,  if she would have seen what I was watching

Bango Skank

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Re: newbie
« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2015, 02:19:30 PM »
Hey guys this conversation made me smile as I can totally relate with your situation, Hopeful. The other week I sat on the couch next to my wife watching the telly and glanced down at the laptop only to see that I had gone to save a work document 10 minutes ago and forgotten about it. I almost soiled my shorts. My PC has got some kind of global memory for the last place you saved something and there on the screen was my private image folder. And naturally it was displaying in LARGE THUMBNAILS.....

However we were watching her favourite soap so it's likely she never even looked my way so I probably got away with it. Probably...

And no, I don't have the courage you have to open up to her just yet. I think if I do then she won't be surprised and I expect she will not freak out or anything. But she will be very skeptical about me making any kind of real change. I want to plough through these tough few first weeks and start to make her the centre of my life as she once was. And hopefully to feel some of the wonderful effects that successful rebooters have reported. By the time I fess up I want the evidence of change to be obvious already.

But yeah thank you for sharing your story which has a lot of parallels to my own situation re wife/kids general history / putting on a perfect family facade etc.

bob

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Re: newbie
« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2015, 03:29:34 PM »
Bango Shank,

Yea, if it wasn't so scary, it would be down right funny. That whole process happened more times then I care to remember.

Hey, I gotta say; if there is a chance that she won't freak out, I would encourage you to confess. Couple reasons for my thoughts on this...
  • You say she wouldn't be surprised? She probably already knows. Well, maybe she doesn't realize that it can be defined as an addiction. I bet she does at least suspect that this has taken over your life and is a problem within your relationship.
  • If you go for a hard reboot you will not be the easiest person to live with. When I first started, I was so proud of myself for moving in the right direction. However,  my wife was frustrated with my moody behavior, sullen attitude, and distant thoughts. I was trying but she felt like I was an over the top pain in the ass. It helped to explain that I was going through a withdraw process and it was part of the problem with my behavior. She gave me a bit of slack during this reboot process.
  • It holds you accountable. For me that was extremely important. I confessed it, I  had a plan. I had to stick to it. My counter was also a help as it was my process indicator to my friends at RN. Other have suggested a spread sheet but something that will help in the process is encouraged. Starting a journal was helpful too.
  • If you are comfortable and she is game, you could include her in on the process. Provide her access to tracking software so she will know when you stray. That can be scary and I didn't do this myself. Its just a suggestion if it would work in your relationship.
  • I was really worried about going without any sex during my reboot. We were rarely having sex at that point so I didn't know what I was going to do. After she understood what I was going through, the frequency and intensity of the sex increased dramatically. Even she said she was surprised at her own feelings. I will say that our relationship was perfectly smooth during that process but when I did make love to her, it was amazing! It helped to connect to reality over pixels.
  • My wife would always ask what I was looking at on my computer. I am a terrible liar and she could always tell when it was porn. Now, she realizes that when I am engrossed on the computer, I am journaling and trying to work through this whole process.


I would explain that you have been going through a confusing and frustrating time and that it would help if she would view the following movie together. The movie is:
 http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series
It was helpful to have her understand the role of the brain in this whole reboot process.

One side note. I was tempted to include my wife in understanding the types of things I was doing, sites I was visiting during my PMO sessions. NOT A GOOD IDEA. She doesn't need to be a part of that "road." I just mention this as I was feeling good and wanted to talk about my recovery all the time. She wanted the new me; she wasn't interested in all of the details of the old me.

Thanks for your comments. It always helps when you realize you are not alone.

Continue you to read what you can, Journal when you can, and Post where you can. Just don't PMO.

Peace brother.

Bango Skank

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Re: newbie
« Reply #11 on: August 14, 2015, 03:46:41 PM »
Bob, your wisdom is very much appreciated. I didn't fully consider the moods and emotional effect that prolonged abstinence may cause. Previous record for me was about a week on several occasions and as soon as I started feeling a bit crotchety (and I knew exactly why) that was enough for me to think 'to hell with this' and go back to old habits.

But I don't want to hijack Hopeful's journal and really I'm interested to hear how he gets on. So for the time being - meditate upon this, I will...

hopeful

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Re: newbie
« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2015, 04:24:16 PM »
Bango Skank,
I totally agree with Bob.
Women can sense all the small changes in behavior, when you try to hide stuff like that,from them. when she feels something's wrong, she might fill in the blanks herself and she might start to think other stuff is going on. (cheating f.e) My wife asked me many times to tell her what's going on. Then I finally opened up to her. When she became aware that i couldn't stop, she stopped confronting me. Due to lack of information, and the times Were different.. At that time  (10 yrs ago) this problem had more to do with the wife rather than with the man. So they said.It made her feel very sad and insecure, eventually it ate her up inside.On my part, I did believe I could get away with it. It was just something, healthy guys do. Really didn't see a problem.
Wrong !
Be honest to you partner, at all times with no exceptions. Make her understand how severe this problem really is for you.
Start this journey together, even when you think it's impossible to open up. Believe me, I've been there.





« Last Edit: August 14, 2015, 05:13:45 PM by hopeful »

hopeful

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Re: newbie
« Reply #13 on: August 15, 2015, 10:51:22 AM »
Hi guys,
had a good day today. Also been quite busy, and kept myself busy, around the house.When I was alone today, I'd feel to have a choice in not giving in to old habits. Made me feel very confident and strong.I know now that I can slowly get past my former behavior.Last night I made love to my wife, and it was amazing.With all the right feelings.This energy I got back from her as wel,just great.You really can set the mind, to any way you want to. Guys, I know it's tough, but only you have the choice,in willing  to be a better person.
I'm determined to carry on like this.Keep you posted !




Bango Skank

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Re: newbie
« Reply #14 on: August 15, 2015, 02:50:18 PM »
Oh... je suis jaloux, you saucy bugger you  ;)

This is so encouraging to hear, well done man.

hopeful

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Re: newbie
« Reply #15 on: August 15, 2015, 03:33:52 PM »
bango skank,

how are you doing so far ?

Bango Skank

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Re: newbie
« Reply #16 on: August 15, 2015, 04:09:38 PM »
Early days for me to be honest, Hopeful. Still in the honeymoon period as far as I can tell. In the past I've abstained from all 'M' for around a week on many occasions , but it's been with a real effort even as soon as 3 or 4 days. This time somehow is different; I have been bolstered, at least for now, with some extra resolve. I feel great actually and this I suspect is due to the empowerment of this new knowledge I have gained in the last few days. I don't want to get too carried away, I'm only a few days in and need to prove to myself that this time really is different before I get any other ideas.

But I'm waffling now.

Hearing your positive progress fills me and doubtless others with real hope :)

hopeful

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Re: newbie
« Reply #17 on: August 15, 2015, 05:25:11 PM »
Well, it's good to hear that you're doing the right thing.I know it is a huge struggle, you have to go through.
Are you thinking of letting your wife know already.? In my opinion , it can make it a lot easier for you.
Get that weight off of your shoulders, talking, or even fighting with your partner, is healing.
Keep up the progress

Bango Skank

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Re: newbie
« Reply #18 on: August 15, 2015, 05:39:40 PM »
I envy your open-ness to each other hugely. I will absolutely start this conversation with Mrs Skank but I don't think I'm ready just yet after only a few days. Got to prove it to myself first. In case of relapse maybe, how her disappointment would make mine 10 times worse.

I am happy to say I'm in a good place right now and I must be dripping with it, she can tell something is cooking. In bed this morning she crawled over and started to tickle me. Not under the arms, mind you. Nothing like that has happened in years. Then one of my sons wandered in thank god, it's too soon. All in good time. Some poor guys here are suffering in the real sense; I have little to complain about.

Anyway it's not fair that I'm taking over your journal lol. I'll update mine with the fallout when I do finally grow a pair ;)

Just keep posting about that good stuff... you have no idea how motivating it is.

sodonewithit

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Re: newbie
« Reply #19 on: August 15, 2015, 10:01:30 PM »
I fessed up the second day in and was the second best move besides starting.  She knew, they always do but she was coolish as best as can be expected.  It removed the final level of angst for me and allowed me to start to drop this chain.  It's not been perfect but that was the correct move.
My wife told me to be a participant not a voyeur, I think we should all do this.

Watched "Hot Girls Wanted", all us guys should.

L.T.D.

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Re: newbie
« Reply #20 on: August 16, 2015, 12:22:46 AM »
The day after my ex girlfriend dumped me I figured out my problem. I had absolutely no idea that PMO could cause these issues. Was dealing with PIED for 6-7 years. It even cost me my marriage (the ex wife was convinced I was having an affair).  The ex girlfriend called me later that same day. I didn't tell her specifically what the issues was. Just that I know what it is, that its repairable, and I'm committed to fixing it. I remember that conversation vividly. Thinking about it now I probably came across as a little too excited. Well I was excited. I just learned that I was gonna be able to have sex again! Anyway, about 5 days after that I was having a good crying session (depressed and angry at myself for causing all this hurt) and she called again. That's when I told her everything. It was such a relief to actually talk to someone, especially someone directly affected by my behavior, about it. About 4-5 days later we were back together. You'll know when the time is right but just remember you guys are a team. Keeping secrets is not healthy for any relationship. Honesty is the best policy.

hopeful

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Re: newbie
« Reply #21 on: August 16, 2015, 04:06:20 PM »
LTD,
Same here. Becoming totaly honest was the right choice.get Some weight off your shoulders.
It 'll show your respect to your partner .after all , they didn't ask for this

hopeful

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Re: newbie
« Reply #22 on: August 18, 2015, 04:29:19 PM »
another thing I want to share with you all,
when I was beginning to heal myself, I was just as selfish, as when I was PMO'ing. The only thing that mattered, was to get rid of P, as soon as possible. It took all my energy for weeks. One time at the therapist, my wife was asked how she felt at that moment.
She literally bursts out in tears, but couldn't really tell why. The therapist asked her "Maybe, because he really sees you now for the first time?".
that was really an eyeopener for me.
I think we sometimes forget that there is often a loved one involved, who can be easily forgotten, when you're completely lost in your recovering process. Our success in recovering has every thing to do with the full support of our partners. When we show that we "see" her (or him), it 'll smoothen the way to reconnect, again. In my case I needed my wife's support, a 100%.

hopeful

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Re: newbie
« Reply #23 on: August 20, 2015, 04:30:50 PM »
I've had a terrific week. Everything's going for me right now.No PMN or MO, and not even considered .My relationship is also going up,
I commit myself in staying honest, and I keep talking to my wife. She feels good about herself also. Reading a lot here on RN, every day.
It really helps.Going strong.

Bango Skank

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Re: newbie
« Reply #24 on: August 21, 2015, 03:17:26 PM »
You are an inspiration to us all, Sensei  8)