Author Topic: new to this, also confused, hurt, disgusted, betrayed and now supportive.  (Read 2481 times)

the_wife

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so here is the back story:
I married my best friend we have one kid together soon to be two, he hid this addiction from me for 4 years, and i told him 3 times since being married if he continues i will leave him and never come back. He broke his promise and i lashed out with hateful words i packed my shit and was ready to move out of state, he sat me down and said he has an addiction to "fapping" i was shocked and disgusted, i thought he was lying so i can feel bad but he explained to me how he has been doing it for 19 years.

what broke me was when i asked him to swear on my life and he swore on my life he didnt do anything. and 1 day later i was on his phone looking up a word he was acting really fidgety and i knew immediately he is doing it agin.   my husband has never ever lied to anyone, he is a very honest person. one of the things i fell for.

so i cried and told him he was the last person i ever trusted and he felt bad so he he took the initiative to find a therapist and bought books to help him. we are working on this together.

i look back and feel so bad that i made him feel like a freak. i should have stopped to think. is this an issue
 since this incident i send my husband friendly reminders that i love him and he is a strong person.
 
he recently told me that he tried thinking about stuff that would turn him on but he didnt have any urges, i laughed and said "please dont do that' its still a fear in me.  :'(

from him being open and honest about all of this it has helped with quitting. we talk about this everyday when he he gets home. i ask him questions but if he isnt ready to answer illl let it slide.

but im still scared, i fear the withdrawals, i fear he is lying to me, i fear he will never be free of this. so im hoping i can talk to partners and loved ones on here.

thanks for reading and please fill free to message me some encouraging words, anything will help


chickaboomski

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This is a tough journey. It can't be sugar coated and all those feelings as a partner are normal. We all have the exact same problem. And from what I can see, our mental issues as a result of dealing with this seems to outlast the recovery. Nurture yourself. It so important that while being supportive, you keep hold of yourself esteem or refind it. It will eat you up otherwise. Xx we are all here in the same boat.

the_wife

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It feels so good to know you are not alone. Thanks for responding. I am still lost and bot sure how to feel about my self yet. I hace to learn new ways to keep up my self esteem

Steam rolled

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Beating your self up is not worth it ( trust me ) but feeling bad is normal.

Basically in the long run its the mans problem for being who he was and that was being  tricked to think he was a MAN as Long as he remained there lone Flapper!!
Yeah he made that choice but now if he has half a brain he will win over this. Kiss PMO bye!
And if not


Move on!

The end

Beat wish SR.
LOVE IS NOT LONELY!!!

SickOfIt

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Hello there, I totally understand what are you going through.  I was on the same boat just like you. You need to understand that it is a bad habit, perhaps an addiction.  So educate yourself as much as you can because it will help you understand. Communicate with him more,  if he can't talk about it face to face, use emails. My husband was terrified to talked to me about it so he wrote emails to me. I would send him links with Gabe's videos,  some studies and also I found a guy on you tube, his name is Mark and he has an awesome channel called sacred sexuality project. I am not gonna lie my husband for a year had a flip phone, phone's screen was so small he couldn't watch anything on it. I also monitored everything, but it drove me nuts. So I used k9 on his laptop for a year. I still check on him from time to time but he stays away from adults websites. I am more calm now then I was a year ago, I don't trust him completely yet but we both working on it. Don't worry too much, stuff happens.  People make mistakes.  Things will happen,  some guys can quit cold turkey and be ok with it, some guys will struggle.  Be supportive! Message me if you have any questions!  Good luck! :)

hoopvol

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Dear "wife",

i've been there myself... it surely is a tough journey. From your words I sense a lot of love for your husband and that's very important. It also makes it very hard. Try not to be angry all the time (that eats you up inside). It's not always easy to be supportive and understanding. I used this little trick: every time I felt anger bubbling up inside, I would just stop talking and take some time to get a grip. My husband knew I tried to stay calm like this, so the moments of silence weren't too awkward. It really helped us to keep talking in a manner, that made a difference. When i read the scientific explanation on this site, it helped me to see the man behind the addiction en not just the addiction and the harm it did.
Hang in there and take care of yourself as well....

the_wife

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@hoopvol i find it 100 times easier when i read the books about porn addiction, he bought a few good books for us to help us. we now talk every day about him having any urges and what he did do block them out. i truly hate this situation, like whyyyy!!!!! lol but i guess this will make us stronger, well its what i hope. im happy im not alone though.  :)
thank you

hoopvol

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We read a lot of books ourselves and that was really helpful as well. I think the most important part is, that you talk to your partner and that we educate ourselves. One way or another.  You are so right: knowing we're not alone helps as well. I'm so glad we found this site. I felt alone for so many years, but now we are able to share.
Wish you all the best and hope you and your partner will recover from this!