Author Topic: Re-Boot Camp Journal  (Read 35103 times)

Punk Monk

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Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 10, 2015, 01:50:35 PM »
Greetings folks!

So glad to have found you all. Apparently I was doing a reboot and didn't even know it. But stumbling across Reboot Nation answered a TON of questions.

Quick summary:

I'm 47 years old and didn't really get hooked on porn until recently. But it was enough to screw things up. My wife is an alcoholic. And as she got deeper into addiction, so did I.  She would get drunk and pass out early in the evening (or day on a weekend). So, I started going online to fulfill those "male urges".

As my wife spent more time in an alcoholic haze, I'd spend more time online.  Soon, I was visualizing porn even while we were getting intimate.  Eventually, I needed the visual stimuli just to get to the Point of No Return.  And it seemed to take longer and longer to get there.  I also began to look forward to her passing out because that meant I could spend more time with my "digital playmates". And since I work from home, I was jacking it on a regular basis.

I decided to give up porn in February. Unfortunately that lead to erectile dysfunction. After one particularly difficult evening, my wife got drunk and said some incredibly hurtful things. So I went back to porn because at least I could "fake it to make it".

In May, my wife chose to get sober. I thought, "Well, if she can give up her addiction, I can give up mine." I stopped on the 1st of June. However, this lead to another month of ED.

I started researching possible causes (medication, diet, age, etc...). But I'm not overweight, am pretty fit for my age and eat fairly healthy. Then I remembered what happened in Feb. I Googled "Internet Porn and Erectile Dysfunction" and found the Your Brain on Porn Site!

Holy cr@p did that clear things up!

It explained everything I was going through while I was doing it (the anger, the resentment, the moodiness) and everything happening since I stopped (rebooting, flat lining, etc...).

I confessed all this to my wife last week and she was remarkably supportive and (as a recovering addict herself) very understanding.

In the time since I've quit I've only slipped twice (and none of it lead to fapping). But now that I know how it works, I'm more determined to stay "clean".

I'm noticing some changes already. The morning wood's coming back as are the "spontaneous erections".  I still get the urge to get online, but they're getting less and less frequent.  And a couple of nights ago, while lying in bed next to the missus I put my hand on her rear and got the rock solid hard on! I considered waking her to do the "Marital Dance", but she was out like a light.

There will be plenty of time for that, I suppose...

Anyway, glad to be here!
« Last Edit: July 10, 2015, 04:27:58 PM by Punk Monk »

unchained

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2015, 02:53:38 PM »
Congratulations on both your healing and your wife's healing as well.

Journaling and reading other journals are both tremendously helpful.  If you haven't already, the next time you go to the YBOP website check out all of the videos as well as Gary Wilson's radio podcasts.

Every time I listen to his podcasts I learn something new.

Kurall_Creator

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2015, 05:50:02 PM »
Hey Punk Monk,

Welcome to our little cubbyhole on the Internet. It's awesome everything is working out for you!!!

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2015, 10:07:38 AM »
Thanks for the welcome, folks. Reading the journals and visiting the YBOP site has already helped a lot.

Had a weird night yesterday. See, my specific addiction comes in the form of erotic pictures and videos of celebrities (models, actresses, etc...). Sometimes, it's even just soft core stuff like sexy lingerie. Well, for some strange reason, I had a craving (there's no other way to describe it) to see pictures of a particular model I'd fapped to in the past.  I guess it's like an alcoholic craving a specific wine or mixed drink.

But knowing what I do now, I sort of distanced myself from my brain and observed the process it went through. It was fascinating! Just the ways it tried to justify things: "I don't need to see the sexy stuff...I can just watch a video she was in. That's okay, right? Just a little peak?"

Again, using the above analogy, that'd be like an alcoholic saying "I'll just uncork this bottle of Cabernet and just sniff it. no harm in that, right?"

In the end, I was able to convince my Rebel Brain it wasn't worth it and to stand down.

I'm sure I'll eventually get to a point where this kind of a thing isn't a problem. But for now, as I go through the reboot, there's just too much of an association.

Reboot On!

41 days since reboot
18 days without incident

PM

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2015, 12:52:06 PM »
Pretty good weekend.  A couple of urges here and there, but nothing that didn't go away after a few minutes.

However, I do have a question for you folks around performance anxiety.

My wife and I haven't had sex in about three weeks. For us, that's a really REALLY long time. When I told her about the reboot she was very understanding and told me to take all the time I needed. But I sense she misses the way we were.

I think I'm alright enough to go for it. But I have a serious case of performance anxiety. I remember the last few times we tried and my soldier just wouldn't salute. My poor missus did what she could to help but to no avail. I don't want to put her through that again.

But at the same time, I feel the lack of sex is affecting our moods (or it could be my guilty conscience).

Any thoughts on overcoming the Fear of Failure to Launch while rebooting would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

42 days since reboot
19 days without incident

PM

AndyNJ

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2015, 03:14:31 PM »
Hi, Punk Monk.  I just started a reboot and a journal here.  Like you I have a bit of fear about re-establishing normal sexual relations with my wife after the reboot.  Worried about whether I can perform.  I guess the way I'm approaching it is to not pay too much attention to the fear and just trust that if I follow the plan, nature will take her course.  And if nature needs a little help from Cialis, I will ad that to the mix!  The main thing for me to is stay on the reboot (no P, M or O) and then once my wife and I are back together (she is away for thirty days) the only O I have will be with her.

I should add that I'm also making sure I'm in better shape for sex, doing exercises specifically for that purpose:  [url]http://www.livestrong.com/slideshow/1011170-14-exercises-man-should-improve-his-sex-life/#slide=1/[url]

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2015, 03:42:12 PM »
Hey AndyNJ,

Thanks for the reply. That seems to be what I'm hearing (or...reading) from the other posters. Basically, stick to the plan and let it happen naturally. So that's what I'll do.

Paraphrasing the Buddha..."When do you not know what to do, do nothing until you do."

Good for you for getting in better shape. Whether it's for sex or just for the overall lifestyle improvement, keeping fit is always a good thing.

PM

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2015, 09:59:37 AM »
I'm noticing that sensitivity down south has really improved.  It's becoming a lot easier to get and stay hard (without visualization, I might add).

It's to a point now where, to quote Eddie Murphy in the great 48 Hours "My dick gets hard every time the wind blows!"

Still a little nervous to engage with the wife for fear of Failure To Launch, though. But I guess nature will take its course soon enough.

Strangely, I continue to have the occasional temporary urge to view pictures of specific "fitness models" (it seems like a different one every day).  But it dies down fairly quickly.

So far the desire to get permanently cured has greatly outweighed the desire for a temporary fix.

PM
« Last Edit: July 14, 2015, 10:02:44 AM by Punk Monk »

KennyPrester

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2015, 05:53:42 PM »
Punk Monk--glad you are here!

Kudos to AndyNJ for recommending Kegels--I do a lot more than the link suggests, and they really work. If women do Kegels, they become multi-orgasmic and very responsive to G-spot stimulation.

If you still have performance anxiety, you might consider discussing this with your wife and setting aside some time to enjoy every form of sexual intimacy that the two of you enjoy EXCEPT intercourse, which is then strictly off the menu. Of course, if you do that, you will probably end up having intercourse and VOILA! problem solved.

The reason I suggest considering this is, when I've had trouble regaining an erection, I just went ahead and made love anyway in some other fashion--you can use your imagination. And the erection returned. But when I just allowed myself to "be made love to", waiting for the erection to return--not so easy.

But most of all--and I know you know this--make love to her day and night, sexually or nonsexually. Let her know and feel that she is your treasure.


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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #9 on: July 14, 2015, 07:48:21 PM »
Good advice, KennyPrester.  As they say, a watched pot never boils.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2015, 09:14:55 PM »
Leon,

Great insight. Obsessive urges are just symptomatic of something deeper. So I need to find out what that is. 

Honestly, I think I'm just horny. It's been awhile  since I've gotten it on. And my wife is working through her own stuff right now, so porn seems like a good avenue for self gratification. These, I suspect, are just old behavior patterns emerging and slowly dying away.

Thanks, man! I probably wouldn't have figured that out had it not been for your post.


KennyPrester,

The "no intercourse" sex is a great idea! I've actually run that past my wife and she's game. I also love the last line in your post. You are absolutely correct. I try to do "make love to her" in many ways throughout the day. I find myself being more "handsy" with her (and she loves that) now that I'm clean. And that definitely gets the "little monk's" attention!

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #11 on: July 15, 2015, 10:21:38 AM »
Man! Woke up with some "Viagra" quality Morning Wood today! Wasn't sure if I should stay in bed and hide or tie a flag around it! (I chose to do neither).

Forgot how good the natural male response feels...or how off center the porn addiction made it.

My missus also got a visit from her monthly friend today. Usually, this means we can't have sex for a few days (we call this "Closing the store"). We started discussing how we haven't had a chance to be intimate lately because we've both been working through our issues.

So I brought up Kenny Prester's suggestion about getting intimate without intercourse.

She liked the idea, so I have the green light to try that when appropriate.

Funny thing...all we were doing was talking about it...the touching, the gentle stroking of the skin, the kissing...and I started getting aroused!

So this is what normal feels like.

Feels good!


AndyNJ

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #12 on: July 15, 2015, 10:48:45 AM »
That's great, Punkmonk. Your posting makes me wish my wife was around.  She's away, but we'll be reunited next month, then watch out!

I imagine we'll also start with sex without intercourse.  Intercourse is sometimes painful for her because of menopause, but that actually isn't a terrible thing.  It causes us to slow down as we overcome it, and my old PMO addiction won't be getting in the way. 

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #13 on: July 17, 2015, 03:19:43 PM »
Weird day.

We had a Neighbor Lady who lived across the street who moved recently. But in a very superficial way, she reminded me of a favorite digital playmate. She had the three B's; (blonde, bronzed and busty).  And I confess, on occasion, I've spanked it to her image.

Now I'd never even think about making a play in real life because 1) I love my wife and would never cheat on her 2) Neighbor Woman and her boyfriend are friends of ours and 3) Neighbor Woman's boyfriend is much bigger than I am!

Well...I saw Neighbor Woman today. And on one hand, I was really tempted to engage in some visual self gratification. After all, that's not porn, right? I'm not surfing the web or anything. 

And yet, on the other hand, I noticed she really wasn't all that attractive. Other than a slight resemblance to a favorite masturbation subject, she really didn't do it for me.

But it was amazing to observe the struggle play out in my psyche. The justification chain is just incredible.

In the end, I held tough. So I won't have to reset my counter.

AndyNJ

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #14 on: July 18, 2015, 12:42:09 PM »
Great going, Punkmonk.  I love the term "justification chain." I know just what you mean!  That little devil voice...

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #15 on: July 19, 2015, 11:39:12 AM »
Thanks, Andy.

I think I borrowed "justification chain" from my wife's AA sponsor.  Sure seems to fit our situation though, doesn't it?


Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #16 on: July 19, 2015, 11:48:00 AM »
Can 25 seconds undo 25 days?

I had a quasi slip last night.  I was up late and the Missus had gone to bad.  My mind was still burning from seeing Neighbor Woman a few nights ago as she reminded me of a certain celeb I used to get off to.

So I Googled images of said celeb. Nothing racy...no soft core porn. I just put her name in and hit "images".  There were, of course, some sexy images...but she was  fully clothed all of them.

Curiously, it gave me a mild headache. As if my brain were trying to push through some of the rewiring and undo it  I shut the browser down in less than a minute and went to bed.

The dopamine rush was severe.

This morning, I put my hand on my sleeping wife's booty and the Little Monk woke up! So it doesn't have effected me too much.

Still...scary how powerful the urge can be.


Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #17 on: July 23, 2015, 01:56:38 PM »
Temptation city! The wife's Victoria's Secret catalog arrived today. At one time that was appropriate source material.

Well, I'm happy to report I did not even crack it open. And my wife chucked in the trash (she doesn't really like their clothes).

Funny thing is I didn't even really have urge to look at it. But that's because I'm still in the flatline/horny cycle.  There are days that nothing gets me aroused. And then there are days where the Little Monk is always at attention. Seems to happen every other day.

I assume this is normal.

KennyPrester

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #18 on: July 26, 2015, 05:09:46 PM »
Punkmonk congrats on chucking that catalogue in the trash where it belongs! And it's so good to have a wife who is cooperating and helpful as yours is.

33 days--going strong!


Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #19 on: July 26, 2015, 11:11:34 PM »
Been in a flatline cycle for the last few days. Saw the missus topless last night and...nothing.

So all day, I've been wanting to "correct" that through the magic of visual stimulation. Funny thing...there's one specific image of one specific actress I'm really jonesing to see.

I don't think an alcoholic craves a specific drink. Typically, they're happy if they can get the stuff in any form. Hell, I knew one alcoholic who stooped to drinking Listerine when the liquor stores were closed.

So why are my urges so targeted?  Really bizarre how that works.

Anyway, so far I'm holding strong...

KennyPrester

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #20 on: July 27, 2015, 10:51:03 AM »
It's often been the same with me, honestly. And often centered around either 1. a girl I met, flirted with, or who flirted with me, or 2. a celebrity/actress.

I'd be turned on to the image, then go online to find images of her or resembling her. Then find porn stars resembling her, and the rest would be history.

I started to obsess on the way home from a business trip last weekend over a blonde who was sort of flirting with me, who may have thought I was sort of flirting with her when I was making conversation. But I stopped. I think she got pissed off when I didn't offer for her to sit with me.

But push comes to shove in two areas for me: 1. honesty in online searching, honesty with myself and my accountability partner; and 2. not allowing porn mind, porn "movies" that I produce, direct, cast, maybe even co-star in--not allowing these to play in my imagination.

So I get out my phone (not hooked up to internet, by choice, for now), use the calculator function, and figure out how many hours it's been since I've been freed from porn, since I last used.

And I think, I really don't want to mess that up. I want that number (a big number, since it's in hours) to get bigger and bigger. I want to be more and more FREE!

It also helps me to get very, very still, watch what my emotions are, ask myself what I really want, then pray for the woman whose image I was wanting to use. I suppose alternatively, you might imagine yourself wishing her a happy life, giving her a knuckle bomb, then yourself walking off into the sunset a hero, as the credits roll...

But yeah, the brain will latch onto very specific images, very innocent even, to get leverage for dopamine. I don't know how many times I've gone from children's films (with hot babes, maybe playing the mom or whatever) to soft core (with the same babes nude) to hard core and PMO. And often, just before O, I would switch back from hard core to the "legitimate" actress's pic. Especially if she is a redhead.

The brain leverages what it can leverage.

But we are more than our brains.


Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #21 on: July 27, 2015, 11:02:04 PM »
Thanks, Kenny!

You don't know what a relief it is to know it's not just me. 

What you described is exactly the way I handled my fantasies.  For a time, I exclusively focused on women who resembled my wife. I'd lied to myself that it would actually help with the real deal.  Don't need to tell you how spectacularly that failed.

Lately, thanks to all of you and the YBOP site, I now recognize this as the brain wanting its dopa mine rush.  So I detach and almost treat it like a small child, telling it "I know what you're up to, and it won't work. Let's do something else instead."

You're right, we are more than our brains.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #22 on: July 29, 2015, 12:09:50 AM »
Having a tough day.

My wife became severely underweight while she was drinking. I attribute this to poor habits she acquired when she was drunk (passing out, skipping meals, no exercise, etc...). About a month ago her doctor put her on a program that has her gaining about a pound a week. So at least we're trending in the right direction. Keep this mind, it's important for later.

Tuesdays, my wife goes to her AA meeting while I attend an Al-Anon meeting across the hall. Afterwards we go out to dinner and make a "date night" out of it. Tonight, there was a very attractive woman in our meeting. She bore a striking resemblance to a famous swimsuit model from the 70's. I made it through half the meeting before my mind started thinking about all the ways I'd have sex with her. I had to force myself to focus (which I did eventually).

Worse still, I became irritable with my wife (which she noticed at dinner). This woman was fit and well built and healthy...all the things my wife isn't right now. At one time, my wife had been slim, toned and fit. She used to do yoga, run and eat healthily.

Since I'm still wired for visual stimuli, the fact that she's not like that now has caused a weird aversion to her in me right now.

And I want so much to Google pictures of the swimsuit model and masturbate hard. Or even call up a visual of the woman in the meeting.

I feel angry, creepy and ashamed.

But hey! At least I haven't PMO'ed...yet.

KennyPrester

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #23 on: August 01, 2015, 09:30:23 PM »
Hey Punkmonk,

Been there! The women I run into at various places become, often, the catalyst for looking for porn replacement, then soft core, then hard core, and so it goes.

But behind it, or with it, there is often some secret anger or resentment. I've dealt with a lot of it, and gotten much better at handling anger. But sometimes, it moves more quickly than I do.

The STAR protocol--Stop and assess what's going on, Take a few deep breaths, Ask yourself what you really want, Respond in a healthy way--has helped me a lot with urges to P and M. But what I need, is to practice it with anger, and boredom, and resentment, and depression. Because when these emotions get the better of me, porn-lust sneaks up behind while I'm not in the zone and takes over.

Sounds like this might help in your situation as well...


Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #24 on: August 02, 2015, 12:08:14 PM »
Hey KP,

Thanks for the great advice! And again, for letting me know that I'm not alone out there in the mental soup of reboot.

One thing I'm starting to notice is what a ping-pong/seesaw/pendulum/yo-yo (hell...pick a metaphor!) my emotions are going through.

I seem to oscillate between the complete objectification of women (looking for a way to "use them" for my own gratification) and seeing them as beautifully fully realized spiritual beings. I know that's corny...but I AM Punk Monk!

The day after I typed my post on the 29th, I had a wonderful day with my wife. We went out to brunch, hit a local shopping village and just had a great day together.  We laughed, joked and shared stories about each other's struggles.  I looked at her with, not just my eyes, but my heart and knew without a doubt why I married her.

And I found that incredibly arousing...but in a healthy way.

Who cares if she doesn't look like an airbrushed photoshopped image of a famous actress? There's more to the male/female dynamic than that. And I look forward to exploring that in the real world.

Side note: I had the most amazing dream this morning about making love to (note: not 'having sex with") my wife. And of course, I woke up with a hard on the size of Florida!

I think that's my cue to give the real thing a try. It's been almost five weeks since we've been physical. The longest we've gone in the past was five days! I'll just set he bar low. Whatever happens happens. Goes back to Kenny's idea about getting intimate without intercourse. If it goes further, great. If it doesn't, well that's cool too.