Author Topic: Re-Boot Camp Journal  (Read 36449 times)

jjacks

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #150 on: February 28, 2017, 06:45:12 AM »
The feeling that I wanted to "reward" myself after performing with my wife is very familiar. It always seems to be the day after.  It is just another one of those insidious triggers we have to fight.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #151 on: March 02, 2017, 10:24:19 PM »
The feeling that I wanted to "reward" myself after performing with my wife is very familiar. It always seems to be the day after.  It is just another one of those insidious triggers we have to fight.

Indeed. Just another way for the Addict Brain to convince us we need another hit of the habit.

I once knew an alcoholic who would have a glass of wine after successfully attending an AA meeting.

Same damn thing...

MioSr

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #152 on: March 04, 2017, 03:17:02 PM »
Monk, the exact same thing happened to me re: post-intimacy surfing urges. It was a fairly sizeable Wow this is addiction moment.

Glad to hear you pushed through the temptations. All best with your journey to freedom!

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #153 on: March 04, 2017, 11:03:10 PM »
Monk, the exact same thing happened to me re: post-intimacy surfing urges. It was a fairly sizeable Wow this is addiction moment.

Glad to hear you pushed through the temptations. All best with your journey to freedom!

Thanks Mio. Nice to know it's not just me. Glad you were able to move past it.

(But I'm totally stealing "post-intimacy surfing urges"!)

Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #154 on: March 19, 2017, 04:09:22 PM »
Been awhile since I posted.

Things are progressing nicely, though not at 100% yet. The Missus and I just had our weekend roll in the hay and it was quite fun. No issues getting The Little Monk to stand at attention. However, I encountered another problem...one that's been a rare occurrence for me.

We were literally about a minute into getting hot and heavy and I could feel the desire to release. So I tried to pull a "Sting" and hold off. But alas, alack and a chicken a la King, once I choked it back...I couldn't recover. So I didn't  finish.

On the plus side, this suggests that I'm more in tune with the physical sensations than the mental imagery, so that's definitely a step in the right direction.

Mrs. Monk asked me why I didn't just let it go. "Because I was having fun and didn't want it to end just yet!" 

The lesson here is that it's all about balance. The quest is to find that "Goldilocks Zone" that's juuuust right.

Maybe Mama Bear will be in the mood a little later...

workinprogressUK

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #155 on: March 20, 2017, 08:45:15 AM »
Not too hot.... but not too cold.
Made me smile - Goldilocks Zone is something we talk about a lot at work..... but not in relation to PIED  ;)

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #156 on: April 02, 2017, 05:24:59 PM »
Okay, this is getting annoying. I seem to be regressing back to some old bad habits. And while it's not a full blown back slide, it's impacting me in a negative way. So far, the PIED hasn't returned...but the PIDE has. And in a weird way.

I can actually get to the Point of No Return, but for some reason am holding back. So I get close, hold off and go soft...leaving neither me nor The Missus satisfied. The worst part is that this has given me a serious case of angst and performance anxiety. So instead of looking forward to the Happy Fun Sexy time on the weekends...I dread it.

And although my  wife continues to be a trooper, I feel useless and unmanly as I'm constantly letting her down. Of course, this further fuels the sense of insecurity and makes me tempted to self gratify.

The worst thing is how I justify the Surfing I do. "Just one picture", "It's no big deal", "It's not REALLY porn", etc...

The only thing to do is basically do a total hard reset and avoid EVERYTHING on the net. No bikini or lingerie pictures...no "check out such-and-such celebs hot bod Instragram", etc...

So, I'm taking a page from Kurall's book and resetting my counter to a smaller chunk of time.

Let's do this a week at a time until those pesky neural pathways get firmly locked into place.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #157 on: April 09, 2017, 08:59:48 PM »
Well, that was tough week...but I made it through.

Actually, the first few days were easy. But my libido was raging by around Wednesday or Thursday. And just about every pretty girl was getting me aroused (this made Kung Fu class Thursday night especially challenging).

It's also doubly difficult when literally ever third article on any commercial news aggregate site is about some celeb's "new bikini body", "sexy photo shoot" or "hot new Red Carpet look".  I managed to keep control and not click on anything. So far it's working.

For the spiritually minded among you (and I know there are several), I've also been folding some chakra balancing into my daily meditations...focusing particularly the 2nd chakra, which governs sexuality and pleasure. Have a feeling "opening up" the 2nd chakra may help resolve some issue. Seems to be working so far.

Anyway, I'm going to reset the counter and go week to week for awhile.

Stay tuned...

P. Monk

workinprogressUK

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #158 on: April 10, 2017, 06:45:07 AM »
<clumsily side-stepping the spiritual bit, due to my embarrassing ignorance>

Congratulations on fighting your way through a tough week. Really feel for you with the performance anxiety and self-esteem challenge you're experiencing in the bedroom. I've had very similar challenges over the last 3 months and find very nervous about physical intimacy with my wife. I got to convincing myself that, even though I was committed to staying off the P&M, there was no spark left in my marriage. That was bullshit. Just another cognitive distortion to throw me off the path and into the nettles. I'm trying to take my time and be empathetic with myself. I know that there are times of the day when S has traditionally been gentle, no stress, relatively short and ultimately very relaxing. Other times when it was traditionally more exciting and more of a performance. I currently find that I'm less anxious and enjoy things better at the "low stress" times of the day, so I'm trying to build confidence at that time and I think it's working. Might be something to consider.

And I wonder whether you might consider changing your commercial news aggregator, mate? You must be feeding the temptation by using the ones that shout loudly about celebs, actresses and fashion shows. I used to use those ones and dumped them in favour of the dull, old, BBC and then eventually The Guardian.  Made a big impact. My P & S addiction was very fetishised, though, so those types of "news items" were particularly dangerous for me. Might not be such a big deal for you.

Just my thoughts. Good luck for another week of success.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #159 on: April 10, 2017, 11:06:10 PM »
<clumsily side-stepping the spiritual bit, due to my embarrassing ignorance>

Congratulations on fighting your way through a tough week. Really feel for you with the performance anxiety and self-esteem challenge you're experiencing in the bedroom. I've had very similar challenges over the last 3 months and find very nervous about physical intimacy with my wife. I got to convincing myself that, even though I was committed to staying off the P&M, there was no spark left in my marriage. That was bullshit. Just another cognitive distortion to throw me off the path and into the nettles. I'm trying to take my time and be empathetic with myself. I know that there are times of the day when S has traditionally been gentle, no stress, relatively short and ultimately very relaxing. Other times when it was traditionally more exciting and more of a performance. I currently find that I'm less anxious and enjoy things better at the "low stress" times of the day, so I'm trying to build confidence at that time and I think it's working. Might be something to consider.

Thanks! And that's great advice. You're absolutely right; the best time to build up the confidence is when one is feeling confident. I recently discovered that I've been approaching sex as something we have to do instead of something we want to do. Lately I've been feverishly trying to mentally schedule time when we can squeeze in some intimacy between all our chores and running around. All this does is ramp up the pressure. I start feeling that if I can't make it happen during this tiny time window, that's it for the week.

But if I don't think about it, I'm relaxed and the right moment just...occurs. Then The Missus and I just happily follow the urging of our naught bits.

Of course, I can intellectualize it to death. Putting it into practice, however...aye. There's the rub.

Quote
And I wonder whether you might consider changing your commercial news aggregator, mate?

That's...brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?! Seriously! I just went and deleted a couple of the biggest offenders from my bookmarks. I'll stick to CNN and the other dull (but safer) sites.

Thanks for the good tips, Workinprogress.

P. Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #160 on: April 17, 2017, 10:54:50 PM »
Seems like things are starting to get back on track. Had a great weekend with The Missus and the Little Monk behaved perfectly! No PIED or PIDE in sight.

Amazingly, the more "in the moment" I was, the more aroused I became! Something as seemingly minor as just caressing her face was a huge turn on. It was like my senses had been reawakened and all those little details...scent of her hair...feel of the sheets...were more exciting than any image or fantasy I could conjure up in my head.

It felt so good to release, I was actually giggling with joy afterwards!

And I was hit by the obvious (yet alien) realization that no porn or fantasy will ever be as enjoyable as the real thing. And the key is to channel all that vivid imagination in to present moment.

But, winning one battle doesn't win the war. So, I'll reset my counter for this week and continue on the current path.

Seems to be going in the right direction.


jjacks

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #161 on: April 18, 2017, 06:13:31 AM »
way to go ..

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #162 on: May 09, 2017, 09:38:54 PM »
It's been a challenging few weeks. Both my wife and I have been travelling over the past few weeks. This, unfortunately, forced us to spend the last three weekends apart. And a sad symptom of this is a complete lack of Gettin' it On.

This past weekend, I had the house to myself for the weekend and I cracked. I jacked myself silly for two and a half straight days, though I didn't do much surfing. Most of my inspiration came purely from the old internal Spank Bank. But it still had an effect.

I noticed I was really irritable on Sunday. Couldn't understand why. It was a beautiful day, I was chilled and relaxed. There was no reason to feel bad at all.

Then about mid afternoon, it me; "I haven't jacked off at all today! I'm having withdrawals!!"

But, happy to say I've been "clean" since Sunday night, the Missus is safely back home and we're both staying put for the foreseeable future.

So, all it well back at La Casa de Monko.

Still feeling the tinges of the withdrawal, though. Or maybe I just got used to having the house to myself for a few days!


Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #163 on: May 28, 2017, 03:02:25 PM »
Haven't posted in awhile. But I'm happy to say it's been all good.

A couple of weeks ago, The Missus and I settled back into our steady groove of Weekend Business Time. And it was...wonderful! Everything worked as it should have. And I swear, it actually brought us closer together. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel intimate with my wife. The psychological and spiritual aspects of sex are slowly starting to return.

Last week, we had to take a little break because my wife had some minor female issues. It's okay now (although I wish she'd go visit her OB/Gyn. But like her husband, she steadfastly refuses to see a doctor when someone else suggests it!). During our downtime, I went solo for a night. And I have to tell you folks...I didn't really enjoy it. It's like my brain is finally rewiring correctly and recognizing that masturbation is a very poor substitute for the real thing.

As an aside, there was a time when, deep into my addiction...I preferred masturbation to actual sex. Now, I can honestly say that's not the case.

We got it on again today and it was awesome! Again, there was a time when I used to dread having sex with my wife. Not because it was bad, but because of my nerves, performance anxiety and all those other demons I'd posted about before. Today...I couldn't WAIT! I was like a horny little kid excited about the prospect of "doing it" (as Mrs. Monk likes to say) with a beautiful woman!

The thing I'm noticing the most is the change in the perspective. The hierarchy of needs (if you will) between masturbation and real sex has completely flipped. And I find little things in a physical world (touch my wife's back, kissing her neck, sniffing her hair, etc...) are more arousing than soft core porn pictures.

I still wouldn't say I'm "cured" yet (it just doesn't feel complete at this moment). As such, I'm still keeping my tracker at a two-week segment. But I definitely feel like I'm making some very significant progress.

Monk

jjacks

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #164 on: May 29, 2017, 03:58:59 AM »
That change in perspective is great news ... I have seen it too. Keep up the good work.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #165 on: June 04, 2017, 11:12:01 PM »
Interesting observation regarding that "change in perspective" I mentioned last time.

The Missus wasn't feeling too well this weekend (it's Allergy Season and the histamines took her down hard!). Naturally, that put a damper on our  "sexy-sexy time" (as my wife likes to say).

Now back in the day, this would have filled me with joy and relief. Because that meant I had an excuse to masturbate to porn. In fact, I actually preferred it to the real thing. I mean, that's like wanting to play a driving video game instead of actually going for a drive!

Today that was the furthest thing from my mind. In fact the though even just jacking it "normally" wasn't appealing. It's just a very poor substitute for the real thing.

And THAT my friends, is the sign of a brain in the midst of rewiring.

Monk.

AndyNJ

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #166 on: June 16, 2017, 05:39:30 AM »
Great post, PM!  Clearly a sign of rewiring!


Leon

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #167 on: June 16, 2017, 12:14:10 PM »
Awesome, P.M., that's the way to go!

Nothing like the real thing, far better than the fantasy- because it comes with real world intimacy, which exceeds the unrealistic fantasy.

Blessings.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #168 on: July 09, 2017, 10:14:51 PM »
Crap.

Feels like I've been "leaning off the wagon" a bit lately. It hasn't been a full blown fall, but I can see it coming.

Simply haven't been as disciplined. I'm also getting cocky (pun always intended). I noticed it definitely impacted my performance with the Missus today. Thankfully, she's a patience and encouraging partner. So the Little Monk was able to start and finish...but things were a bit touch and go for second.

So, I'm resetting the counter to a full month. And I pledge that any time I get the urge to surf the web for naughty places...I come here instead!

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #169 on: July 16, 2017, 10:23:29 PM »
This week's been a series of Good News/Bad News events.

Good News! Been able to stay clear of any soft core porn stuff for the week!
Bad News! Still feeling the impact from "leaning" off the wagon.

Good News! The Missus' "monthly visitor" didn't drop by today as expected...so we were able to get it on!
Bad News! I wasn't able to finish. Seems like I could get close, but I just couldn't ejaculate.

Good News! At least I was able to stay in the moment, focus on my beautiful wife and not cheat by going into my head.
Bad News! See above.

I think if I stay the current course, everything will work itself out. But I'm disappointed in myself. The DE shouldn't a problem anymore. In addition, my Niece-in-Law just had a baby and Mrs. Monk has been staring longingly at the pictures of the newborn. As I've said before, we're not trying to get pregnant...but we're not not trying. And I think she was a little disappointed that I didn't "spill my seed".

Or maybe I'm putting undue pressure on myself to finish, which in turn stressing me out enough to prevent me from doing the very thing I want to do!

Either way, it's really getting damned annoying...


jjacks

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #170 on: August 03, 2017, 08:00:37 AM »
Sound to me like the good news 'way outweighs the bad news. Think of it as achievement.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #171 on: August 20, 2017, 11:24:00 PM »
My Kung Fu Sifu often says "If do you things the ugly way, you become expert in ugly. Don't be ugly!" So lately, I've been focusing on throwing out the Ugly Habits and doing things The Right Way.

Nowhere is this more applicable than to my nemesis, the PIDE (Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation)! Been really focused on breaking those Ugly Habits that prevent me from enjoying sex as completely and fully as I should.

This means not relying on imagery to get me to The Point of No Return (TPNR). I think it's working because I've hit a mini-flatline. The fantasy images that used to TPNR no longer work. And I'm forced to return to the present and stay in the moment.

Unfortunately, that doesn't work either...yet.

Today, with The Missus, I could feel the sensations arising. Then I panicked, went into my head so I could climax and damn near lost steam! I hastily returned to the present and felt the ol' Mojo returning. But alas...I wasn't able to finish.

I'm considering instituting a No Fap policy since the masturbation feeds the need for imagery. Though I'll admit, sometimes I jack it just to make sure I still CAN get off...and that there's nothing medically wrong with me.

I dunno... Have to think about this a little.

P Monk.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #172 on: September 03, 2017, 11:04:09 PM »
Great day with Mrs. Monk! We were chill. We were fun. We ended up in the sack.

And..everything worked as normal!

Hooray! No PIED or PIDE in sight.

But I have to admit, I had to go "into my head" to just crest over The Point of No Return. Strangely, I imagined The Missus talking dirty to me. It was something she used to tell me when we were dating that, for some reason, just took me over the top.

I guess in the future, I can ask her to say it for real. But, for now, we'll count this as a win!

Now I just have to resist the urge to do a Victory Fap...

Strikeatruepath

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #173 on: September 04, 2017, 06:12:41 AM »
Excellent, Mr Monk -things are really working out well for you and the Mrs. Gives me hope!

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #174 on: September 04, 2017, 04:37:01 PM »
Thanks, Strike.

You can do it.

I still stay staying on The True Path (HA!) is harder than getting on it. Every day we're able to not give in is a victory.

P. Monk