Re-Boot Camp Journal

[lyon03]

Hey PM. How are things my friend? Just checking in after a long absence from the nation. I look forward to reading your next update brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

[Punk Monk]

Hey PM. How are things my friend? Just checking in after a long absence from the nation. I look forward to reading your next update brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Lyon, mon amis! Comment ca va?

Good to hear from you. Hope all is well in your world.

So far things are progressing nicely, but slowly.  I feel like my libido is finally returning to normal. The old unnatural urges and desires a thing of the past.

Nowadays if I'm horny, rather than get online...I'll just look for a willing and accommodating partner. Good thing, I'm married to one!

The PIDE (Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation) is still an occasional problem. But more often than not, I can beat it by staying in the moment.

Mrs. Monk and I had a fun Sunday afternoon romp today and everything went fine. However, I did have to rely on a little imagination to get to The Point of No Return. For some reason, pretending The Missus is saying certain things to me helps get me off.

And while I suppose I could ask her to "talk dirty to me", she wouldn't be comfortable saying what I imagine. Maybe that's why they turn me on.

But that's a problem for another day.

But for right now, I'm Born Again, Porn Free!

P. Monk

[lyon03]

Thanks for the update brother. So happy for you and your wife. Keep coming back my friend.

[Punk Monk]

First things first, is it me or are all the counters gone?

Anyway, things are progressing well. This weekend was Mrs. Monk's and my 7th Anniversary so we celebrated with a lovely romantic dinner at a swanky place we'd never been to.

I wanted to do something "special" in the bedroom this weekend. I had in my mind what I'd do, what she'd wear, etc.  Of course, things never go as planned. Life got in the way and we both got caught up with chores, work and family stuff. So I'd pretty much written off the possibility of any nookie this weekend. But later in the afternoon, The Missus wandered by and said "Come on. Let's do it."

Unfortunately, I was kneed deep in some work emails. But I wrapped those as quickly as I could and joined my wife in the bedroom. It was fine. And The Little Monk did not fail me. But I was stressed, tired and a little annoyed that it didn't go the way I wanted. So, although I could get the party started, I couldn't finish. Although I was really close to discharge, it just wouldn't happen. Tried to resort back to the old fantasy technique, but that just got me soft all that much faster.

Anyway, I'm a little discouraged. I need to work on finding inspiration in the moment and not dwelling on a preconceived idea of how things should be. But I also shouldn't be afraid to admit that I'm not ready yet, and ask for some time to get my head together.

It's amazing how much of sex is a mental thing.

P. Monk

[TakeActionNow]

my friend,
the key is letting go

let go that work must be completed. work never ends
let go that things must be perfect. but don't you realize that things are best when there are no expectations ?

be joyful and appreciate the opportunity and moment
forget the future, forget the past.
live the moment.
we might die tomorrow.
live the moment.

if you are at work, work
if you are at love, love.
let go of your standards, expectations, constructs.
live for the moment.
live for the moment

[Strikeatruepath]

Ah, the pressure!

I am familiar with the frustration. I guess its difficult to get out of the work mode and just dive straight into sex like that PM, and wanting so much for things to go well, so don't be too tough on yourself...

I am waiting for my libido to return consistently, and it seems to be taking ages. We can only patiently wait, it seems, and try to be as relaxed as about it as we can, whilst feeding our relationships in other ways.

Dunno whats happened to the counters either. I never managed to work out how to start one in the first place! -I could find no clear instructions anywhere and didn't get round to asking for help.

[Punk Monk]

Been awhile since I logged on...which probably contributed to my current situation (foreshadowing!!!)

First off, thanks TAN and Strikeatruepath for your comments. They were appreciated.

I've been away because things have been going pretty good for the last few weeks. Seem to be able to get it up and get it out with little trouble. Still need to jump to the fantasy realm for a second or two to climax, but it's becoming less and less necessary.

Had a great experience with The Missus yesterday. I was feeling pretty confident and decided to focus on Mrs. Monk's orgasm. She's been so patient and understanding though all this, it was time to the focus back on her. Besides, her orgasm's been a long time comin' (pun intended).

The great thing was that, for the first time, I wasn't worried about finishing. Unfortunately, I was so relaxed I finished little ahead of schedule (No Minute Man, though. I lasted a "normal" amount of time. But that killed my "Ladies First" program.

But hey! At least my PIDE was gone!

So how did I celebrate? By going on an artificial stimulation binge all weekend. Fortunately, I stayed clear from porn, but yanked my crank to all the softcore fantasy crap the PG-13 internet had to offer.

So, here I am. Feeling pretty low about my lack of discipline.

And yet, reinvigorated to get back on the path.

Wish me luck!

[lyon03]

Thanks for the update brother. I'm glad that your PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction) and bedroom anxiety (the need to climax) have abated. You wrote:

"So how did I celebrate? By going on an artificial stimulation binge all weekend. Fortunately, I stayed clear from porn, but yanked my crank to all the softcore fantasy crap the PG-13 internet had to offer."

Question: Do you make a distinction between x-rated images and pg-rated sexual images? The RN homepage says, "Reboot is a complete rest from artificial sexual stimulation." Thoughts?

I look forward to your next post my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

[Strikeatruepath]

Hey PM I thought Id give you a shout. How are you getting on?
Read your last post where you mention your "artificial stimulation binge". Try not to be too hard on yourself about it -or about any relapse you may have. Focus on your intention to improve your life and your relationship with Mrs Monk and keep on giving it your best.
Post relapse, I ask myself what triggered me to do it, and how I can manage that trigger next time round. Or maybe it was just my ongoing hunger for porn? in which case, what did I tell myself to justify indulging, to get round the obstacle of my resolve and make it seem reasonable to do it? Aiming to make the most of the relapse as a learning experience.

[Punk Monk]

Lyon and Strike,

Thanks for checking in and for the advice.

Lyon, to answer your question, my drug of choice has always been the soft core stuff...nude or semi nude images of celebrities. It was never the full penetration, X-rated stuff. That was never as exciting as the fantasy of being with a famous lingerie model or actress.

But that ties into Strike's comments. The bottom line is that it was the fantasy. So...why? What was it about the fantasy that was better than the reality?

Well, at the time, the reality was that my wife's an alcoholic. She was either drunk or passed out when I wanted to have sex. So, I turned to the fantasy to escape and satisfy my urges. By the time she got free from her addiction (she's been sober for three years, God bless 'er!), I was deep into mine.

For the past year, she's been helping me break free of my addiction to porn. She was patient during my six week reboot period and has been very supportive during those times I couldn't perform to my fullest. But when we have sex, it's very safe, simple and subdued. Which is, without a doubt, my fault.

She and I used to be really adventurous in bed (and other places). That was a more true expression of who we both are. It's funny but now when I fantasize, I fantasize about her. Which leads me to the answer to Strike's excellent question of "What triggers me?"

The answer is quite simply, I'm not allowing my fantasies (or rather, my imagination) to manifest in real life. Recently, when we've had great sex, it's been when I lead...take more risks...become a more imaginative and creative lover. 

As you know, Porn Addiction saps a man's confidence. This has made me believe (falsely) that the safe stuff is for real life whereas the fun stuff is for fantasies.

So I think the key for me is to be fearless and free and to just have fun. Easier said than done...I know. But let's see how it works!

Thanks for the support and wisdom.

P. Monk

[Gracie]

PM I am a partner.  My husband and I have worked through his addictin.  And I have asked the question too, where is the fun sex we used to have?   The adventure?  I have even asked, was that not him?  Was he just acting out his fanatasies?  (I did not know he was addicted for years. As he watched more, we became less). A lot of those things were fun and enjoyed by us both.  I am interested to hear what men say.

[jjacks]

I suppose it all means what you mean by fun and adventure. And the purpose of this site.

I have just passed one year of my reboot. Since quitting regular PMO a year ago my symptoms of PIED have virtually all disappeared to the point that the ability to have spontaneous sex with my wife is back. As a result, her level desire has increased (it had ground nearly to a halt). That is fun for both of us. I believe that was the purpose of this website, the site succeeded in helping me. Without a partner, fun might mean something else.

If that  is not fun for your then you should discuss that with your partner. I suspect that is where the adventure is found.  It is all part of the evolution of a healthy couple.

-JJ

[Punk Monk]

Thanks for the posts, folks.

Gracie,

Props to you for working with your husband through his addiction. Supportive partners are everything when going through a recovery. As for where the fun sex went...only you and he can answer that. In my case it was a loss of confidence. PIED and PIDE are really emasculating experiences. It's tough to feel brave and adventurous when you've lost faith in yourself. Open minded partners help. There are days I feel I can lead the charge and play like we used to. And there are days where the fear creeps in and neuters the moment. It's a process...

jjacks,

Wise words, man. Good advice. I hope to be where you are (metaphorically speaking) very soon...

[Punk Monk]

At this stage it's remarkable easy to hop on and off the wagon.

I admit it. I fell off the wagon pretty hard a couple of weeks ago. And yet, I haven't visited any soft core or fetish sites since my last post. I didn't miss it...didn't crave it...didn't want it.

There was a two or three day flat line period and then voila! The Wood of the Morning!

Unfortunately, it seems that I'm still flatlining in the PIDE department. Today, I simply could not finish. Even tried desperately to resort so some of my old mental trickery. But none of that worked.

Unsurprisingly, I actually felt more aroused in the moment than in my head. But when I tried to use a little fantasy to get to The Point of No Return, nothing happened.

My immediate inclination is to go Google some softcore. After all, addiction is the comfort food of the mind, right? That would make me feel better for the moment.

Except it wouldn't. It would just delay my recovery and create more days of frustration like this. So...I haven't. And I won't.

When my wife was getting sober, she remembers the exact moment when she realized drinking wasn't worth it anymore. I think that's where I am now.

Because Lyon always says..."PORN IS NOT AN OPTION".

P Monk

[Punk Monk]

Wow. What a difference a few weeks away from "Gateway Porn" (thanks for letting me borrow that, Strike) can do.

The Mrs. and I had normal married people sex this afternoon and everything worked out as it should have. Still had to go into my headspace to get to The Point of No Return, but this time it was just a little push as opposed to a full blown visit.  And for the most part, I was keying into the feeling of the moment rather than any particular imagery.

So that's progress.

I am still concerned about the lack of "adventure", but I'm sure that will come as the confidence increases.  So hey...Baby Steps

P. Monk

[Punk Monk]

A good tryst with The Missus this weekend. She had anxiety about work, I was hungry, thirsty and tired from working in the yard all morning. Yet somehow, we managed to give it a go and have perfectly normal  and pleasantly routine married people sex!

And, while I did inch into my headspace a little to reach The Point of No Return, it was literally for only a second. I felt the slow pressure building to release almost immediately. And to be honest, I'm not sure if it was the headspace or just being Present.

So, yet another victory against PIED/PIDE! And three solid weeks away from The Soft Stuff.

Odd side note, but lately I've been having "cravings" to look at images of a particular minor celebrity. It's really strange as to why I just want to ogle at her and I can't really figure it out. Usually, when an alcoholic has a craving, they're not particular about what they drink. So why is mine so specific?

Any way, I have so far resisted and will continue to do so. I mean after all, I just had the real thing not too long ago! Who needs fantasy?

P. Monk

[Strikeatruepath]

Hi Monk,
Yeah these urges can be quite confusing, but the main thing is that we know where they are likely to lead if we indulge them! Well done with your 3 weeks clear of the soft stuff, and great to hear of the good times with your Mrs. To be close to our partners is one of the big incentives I think.

Best wishes for 2018

[Punk Monk]

Been awhile since I've visited and wrote. And I'll be honest, things have been a little...shaky.

January was a really bad month. Between my wife and I passing the flu back and forth and some major life stress (work/family), it was challenging to find some intimate time.

So, I found myself using my imagination a LOT. My excuse was using the "soft stuff" to evoke fantasy situations for my wife. After all if she's still the star of my sexual dreams, it's okay, right? It's not like I'm really using those soft core images, right?

Ah...but fantasy is fantasy. And the use of those "soft" images became more pronounced as the stress in the workplace increased. And while I recognized that it was my primitive limbic lizard-brain trying to find a quick hit to dopamine relief, it did its damage.

Ordinarily, I'd seek refuge in physical activity and music. But...since I was sick, trips to kung fu and to the gym were limited. And the draconian situation at work had severely sapped any creative juices I'd reserve for guitaring around (yes...I know that's not a verb. But it should be, damnit!).

But slowly, I took control of the work situation and it began to turn around. And my wife and I were able to make a full recovery finally eject the illnesses from our house. These brought about a newfound confidence in me. And I finally was able to leave the need for the "soft stuff" behind.

I picked up my guitar for the first time in weeks.

And my wife and I had sex for the first time in over a month.

But the real deal just wasn't as exciting as the fantasy scenarios I'd cooked up in my mind. And while I had no problem getting it up, I wasn't able to finish. However, something strange happened after. I was more attracted to my wife. Little things like the small of her back or the rise of her cheekbones began to excite me. It was as if I had been reminded how much more fulfilling The Real Deal was.

So with more focus, determination and some lights at the end of the proverbial tunnel...I think this temporary setback will be just that. Temporary.

P. Monk

[Strikeatruepath]

Hi PMonk

From what you said in your post, the workplace stress can be one of the things that drives your use/gives that lizard the edge. For me too it is stress, and also tiredness and illness that can weaken my conscious control and allow the lizard to have its way!

I am playing with the idea now that I could train myself to focus more on something that means a lot to me (BECAUSE it means a lot to me rather than as a tactic of distraction) as I suspect that fighting the addiction is feeding its existence in a way. Aiming to train myself to let go and focus on whats really important to me...

Glad to hear you got through it all and are back on track

Strike


 

[Punk Monk]

Been meaning to post for awhile, but life sort of got in the way.

Things have been actually been pretty good lately.

For one thing, I left the old oppressive job for greener pastures and, for the most part, am pretty happy with my decision. That's relaxed some of my tension considerable and the Missus and I are back on track.

The PIED is completely gone. And for the first time in months, I'm actually happy to have sex. It's become a pleasant fun occasion once again instead of an activity I dreaded due to shame and fear.

The PIDE hasn't been an issue for the last month or so, either. But I admit, I do occasionally go into my head to help me finish. Usually it's a fantasy about Mrs. Monk. But the problem is that it's still fantasy. This impedes my ability to connect to the moment, which in turn makes fantasy necessary for me to get off. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Of course, this is completely my fault.

Much as I hate to admit it, I still venture to the "soft stuff". And there's a part of my brain that still feels more "aroused" by fantasy. Although ironically, I once again enjoy real sex WAY more than masturbation (as it should be).

Anyway, the only way to quit the soft stuff is to quit the soft stuff. And to help me, I've decided that every time I get the urge to Google something I shouldn't......I'll come here and post.

So expect to see me here a lot for the next few weeks!

P. Monk

[TakeActionNow]

Anyway, the only way to quit the soft stuff is to quit the soft stuff.

Couldn't have said it better!

[Strikeatruepath]

Good to hear things are going well for you PMonk and that your resolve to leave the soft stuff alone is still there and getting stronger!

[Punk Monk]

Thanks guys!

And using the Reboot Nation as my Virtual Sponsor is working pretty well.

Had an urge to something naughty. Came here and saw the motivating posts from Strike and TAN and <POOF!>

Naughty urge gone.

See? It really works?

P. Monk

[Punk Monk]

Hey Folks,

Just checking in. Didn't realize it'd been so long since I posted! But I'm happy to report things are going pretty well!

At the end of March, I tried to adopt a "No Fap" lifestyle. Unfortunately, I was only able to stick to it for about three weeks. So, as an interim step, I tried to cut it down to a single fap a week. This seemed more doable and I'd turn to that whenever The Missus wasn't available.

However, the major difference was that I didn't use porn. Instead of jumping on the internet and scouring hours for fantasy fap material, I'd simply go into a quiet place...and do my thing.

Then I'd move on. When the dopamine urge came on later, I'd busy myself with music or writing or time at the gym until it went away. As time went on, I began to notice a serious change in...everything!

For starters, I noticed a surge in my empathy and awareness. It was literally like a fog had lifted and I was waking up. I could deal with my fellow humans...particularly women...as fully realized people.

The relationship with The Missus has improved. I'm more present and in-tune with her and am finally back to being bold and adventurous when we get it on. I admit, though, I sometimes still need to duck into my head to reach The Point of No Return. But there are just as many times when I can be fully present and let it come naturally (pun, as always, intended).

I'm still not quite where I want to be. But both the PIED and PIDE are gone!

And if I can do it...I KNOW you all can too!

So Keep on Rebootin'!

P. Monk

[Inner_Light]

You're where I want to be, P-Monk. Thanks for the inspiration and congratulations.