Author Topic: Re-Boot Camp Journal  (Read 36444 times)

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #125 on: August 02, 2016, 11:17:20 PM »
I decided to delete my Wanker Counter.

The Missus got her monthly visitation Sunday afternoon. Fortunately, we'd already had a roll in the queen-sized the night before, but I was hoping for a repeat performance. So, I took matters into my own hands.

And you know what? It was fine. Though there was some element of  "fantasy" to it, it was more of a rehearsal. What would I do next time? What would I like the missus to do? What would I like her to wear? What would I love to hear her say. All these things are in the realm of possibility and absolutely within my ability to make manifest.

The next day, there was a brief craving for an endorphin rush. But it settled itself.

And I'm very inspired by some of the dialogue with AndyNJ and RunToSpirit.

I chose not to see myself as an addict. Rather, as a healthy male who enjoys healthy male things. I do not crave them and they hold no power over me.

"...and doggone it, people like me!"  ;)

Monk

AndyNJ

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #126 on: August 03, 2016, 01:13:00 PM »
Yay! 

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #127 on: August 04, 2016, 10:08:42 PM »
Interesting observation; now that I've removed the constraint on MO, I no longer feel the urge to do it.

Okay, that's not exactly true. I still get the urge. But now that I've given myself permission to do it, I no longer feel the immediate need to give into the urge. After all, there's always later. And when later comes, I find I'd much rather be doing something else.

Honestly, the mental shift has been quite liberating. Let's see how it plays into my actual sex life now...

Disclaimer: I AM NOT suggesting that one should give into satisfying the PMO Addiction. I'm slowly realizing that I've never been addicted to MO in and of itself.

AndyNJ

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #128 on: August 05, 2016, 04:37:51 PM »
Same here. It's like going back to the state of being a teenager, but with the better option of actual sex waiting in the wings. Porn is what messes up the natural state of healthy, moderate wanking.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #129 on: August 05, 2016, 10:05:59 PM »
Yes! Exactly!

To good old health moderate wanking! (lifts beer mug)

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #130 on: August 21, 2016, 10:05:37 PM »
Resetting my counter tonight.

Honestly, I've gotten cocky (pun intended).

While I haven't been fapping to porn subs, I've been sort of "stealth looking" and convincing myself it was no big deal. A topless photo here...a sexy picture there. I even flipped through a mature comic book where one of the characters looks like an idealized version of my wife.

But my wife doesn't have flawless skin or a perfectly drawn hourglass shape. And when we'd get intimate, I'd be calling on those images to get me through.

And it's taken its toll.

Last week, I couldn't get off. And today, I couldn't even get it up.

Now that could be due to some other things as well. I'm about to start a new job, so there's that. And my wife's been talking about having kids, so I may be putting pressure on myself to perform.

In any case, I need to rewire my brain and body to respond to stimuli in the real world...not in my head

Fortunately, my wife has been very supportive and understanding. She said something very enlightening today. She said "I always want to do it. I just don't think about it all the time."

That, my friends, is the desired natural state; to be ready and eager when the time comes, but not to have it sitting on the brain at all times.

Strangely, I feel reinvigorated by this experience. My goal is to be able to have an intimate relationship with my beautiful and loving spouse and give her the fully present experience she deserves.

Sure, I'm bummed I couldn't perform today.

But hey, that's only for today.

P. Monk

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #131 on: September 03, 2016, 03:49:26 PM »
Whelp.

The good news is that the PIED is gone.  I was able to get the party started with the Missus this afternoon.

Unfortunately, I'm still having trouble finishing. Keep wanting to go into my head to get some sort of "incentive" (visual or aural) to help me get to The Point of No Return.

Came close (HA!) but just couldn't get there. Which of course made me try harder, which in turn frustrated me  more, which made me try harder...

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. 

Wish there was some sort of magic bullet to help me get over this hump. But that's the problem with any psychological ailment. It takes time and effort to rewire the brain.

Man, this is annoying...

AndyNJ

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #132 on: September 06, 2016, 04:43:57 PM »
I've had the same problem off and on.  It definitely is about re-wiring the brain to be stimulated by something other than P to the point where it leads to O.  It will happen, naturally, as you know.  It's that out of control state where the hips seem to move all by themselves...

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #133 on: September 11, 2016, 07:16:02 PM »
A side effect of PIED is performance anxiety.

After my last couple of failed attempts, I was a little apprehensive about approaching The Missus for some weekend lovin'. Actually had some honest to God butterflies in my stomach - like a young boy during his first time.

But nothing can stop the truly horny!

Fortunately, there was no failure to launch and the Little Monk was able to rise to the occasion. There was, however, a failure to land as I wasn't able to finish.

But I don't really count this as a "failure" because for the first time in a long time, I was able to be present and engaged with my wife without going into my head. I was tempted, because she likes it when I finish. But at the same, I need to allow my brain to rewire correctly free from shortcuts and "cheats".

It was still fun. And an interesting side effect is that I feel a profound connection with and love for my wife right now. Because it was HER I was with, not some fake fantasy in my head.

I also think I'm experiencing a bit of a flat line. The arousal, while it is there, isn't quite as strong or present as it had been. So I'll take this as an indication that the rewiring process is working and will keep on keepin' on.

P. Monk

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #134 on: September 18, 2016, 10:59:58 PM »
Success!

The Missus came into the living room this afternoon with nothing on but the TV. Didn't need to be a genius to know what THAT meant.

Everything started off pretty good at first. And the Little Monk rose to the occasion! But I experienced a little bout of performance anxiety. Fortunately, it was nothing a little foreplay couldn't fix and I was back in the saddle in no time!

And I was actually able to climax in a normal amount of time.

Getting to The Point of No Return happened pretty naturally, though I still needed a brief mental boost to get me over the line and imagined my wife talking dirty to me.

I hesitate to ask her to do that in real life because she does so much already. Doesn't seem fair to ask her to change things because of my problem. Perhaps I'll bring it up in the future as my confidence grows.

But for now...I'll take the victories as they come! (Pun intended)

P. Monk

AndyNJ

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #135 on: September 20, 2016, 06:29:20 PM »
Glad to hear the good news on your progress. You won't be surprised to hear I had a similar experience this morning!

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #136 on: September 20, 2016, 09:42:20 PM »
Glad to hear it!

Although now I'm convinced one of us is Tyler Durden...

But, hey! As long as we keep riding that similarity wave towards progress, it's all good!


Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #137 on: October 09, 2016, 10:59:16 PM »
Today I really just want to punch myself in the dick.

The Little Monk was not behaving when The Missus and I started to get busy. To be fair, I was able to get it up. But after a few minutes of being inside, The Little Monk went soft.

My guess is that this is performance anxiety of some kind. I'm able to get "spontaneous erections", so there's nothing physically wrong and I've probably completed my Reboot Cycle. But not being able to play during game day is becoming very frustrating.

On the plus side, I had a very open and frank discussion with my wife about it. My biggest fear is that she thinks she's doing something wrong or is somehow to blame. Though we've talked about my PIED before, I went through it in greater detail. It was helpful for us both.

One of her concerns, for example, was that the stuff I'd been PMOing to was hardcore, rough or fetishy stuff. I assured her it had just been nude pictures of celebs and I don't do it anymore.

Anyway, after a little talking, we concluded that I'm pressuring myself to come (pun intended). Doing a little mental trace, this makes sense. Because while I could get up and in, the minute I started thinking about getting off, I went soft.

Not sure what else to do except just keep trying. But these occasional "failures to launch" have given me a serious complex...which in turn contributes to the biological reaction...which reinforces the complex.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

So my current quandary, My Good RNers, is how to break the damned cycle?

Monk

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #138 on: October 16, 2016, 02:34:37 PM »
Had a wonderful afternoon with the Missus yesterday!

All systems were go and everything got off (pun intended) without a hitch.

Still had a little performance anxiety when I got inside and could feel myself going soft. So I took a deep breath and just forced myself to be in the present. Corny as it sounds, I just looked at my wife and saw how beautiful she is. I also focused on how good the physical act felt and the Little Monk started standing strong.

In other words, I got out of my head and into the moment.

I actually came sooner than usual. Asked my wife if it was to short. She just giggled and said it was just the right amount of time.

Still have a long way to go (I think). But every victory is a step closer.

AndyNJ

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #139 on: October 16, 2016, 04:26:38 PM »
Excellent! The secret is to just be in the moment -- no thinking.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #140 on: October 24, 2016, 04:08:10 PM »
Well, somehow my 45 days of no Porn or Porn subs turned into 60!

So I'm resetting my counter with an official goal of 60 days.

Let's see how far we go!

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #141 on: October 30, 2016, 07:01:38 PM »
Great afternoon with the Missus yesterday. Everything was a go and we both had relaxed smiled on our faces when we were done,

In fact, I was feeling so good...I offered to get frisky again today! Unfortunately, she had someplace to be in a half an hour. So she didn't feel comfortable squeezing me in (pun intended) cleaning up and getting dressed in such a short time (which is perfectly reasonable).

So I did what any man would do. I took care of myself when when she was gone. No porn or porn subs involved. Just ran through my head what we would have done if she was there.

It's funny, but that actually helped in the healing process. The real thing is so much better than jacking it, I almost don't want to do that anymore. I'd way rather wait for my wife to be ready than turn to Ol' Rosey Palmer and her Five Sisters...

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #142 on: November 07, 2016, 09:59:41 AM »
Another successful weekend with The Missus! The Little Monk was able to get up, get in and do his thing!

So I think I'm officially over the PIED. And the DE doesn't seem to be a problem anymore either. In fact, I was almost in danger of becoming a "Minute Man"! I had to actually hold back and slow down for a change.

Being "normal" sure feels weird.

Wouldn't say I'm "cured" though.  I still get tremendously strong urges to surf the web for visual content. And like any other addict, this usually flares up when I'm either stressed or bored.

I've been able to hold off (largely thanks to this community and all you wonderful people). But there's still the tendency to get complacent and think "Hey, I've gone a couple of months without incident. Surely one little PMO peek couldn't hurt, right?"

Except that's exactly how alcoholics fall off the wagon. What starts out as "one little drink" usually ends up in a binge.

So...every time I get the urge, I come here. Or I'll go to the gym...or fire up the XBox...or grab the guitar. Just something to get a away from the computer and move my mind to other thoughts.

On the plus side, the urges are far more easy to control these days and don't last nearly as long. Still, those little bastards still pop up every once in awhile.

But I'm ready for 'em...


 

jjacks

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    Rebooting October 25
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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #143 on: November 07, 2016, 10:43:01 AM »
That's the spirit! Keep it up, and keep keeping it up.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #144 on: November 29, 2016, 06:33:30 PM »
The Missus was having some health issues in her Womanly Region. Thankfully it was nothing serious and she's fine now.

But naturally, there was no Nookie in the Monk household for the month as we were getting that all sorted out.

Unfortunately, I sought companionship in the internet and my own right hand.

Nothing serious...just a few pictures of pretty people to jog the ol' spank bank.

Nevertheless, that may have set me back a bit in the Real World. We'll see, I guess.

In the meantime, I reset my counter. And should probably start coming here every time the urge to stray resurfaces (which will probably be every couple of days at this rate...)

Anyway, the fight goes on.

Monk

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #145 on: December 19, 2016, 01:10:22 AM »
Wanted to check in and log a success story for the Forums.

Looks like I'm pretty much over the PIED and the PIDE ("Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation"). For the last month or so, all my equipment's been working the way it's supposed to.

Sure, sex in the Monk household has been a little "vanilla" .But as the Missus reminded me, we've keeping things simple and standard until I felt comfortable (she's a trooper, that gal of mine!). Slowly but surely, the anxiety and angst has been lessening. And the Little Monk has been able to get up and working on a regular basis.

And yesterday, for the first time in a long time, we actually had normal fun spontaneous sex (the way we used to when we first got married). I wasn't nervous or worried or retreating into my head to force a reaction.

I was fully present and committed to the moment. And the result was wonderful!

Even after we finished (and boy did I finish!) things felt different...better...more real. I felt relaxed and wired at the same time. I couldn't believe I'd been sacrificing feeling this good for porn fantasies.

Now any time I'm tempted to fall back into old habits, I'll remember how good the Real World feels.

Hope everyone else is finding the their way out of the Porn Pit. If you're struggling, keep reading the Forums, talk to each other. Hell, drop me a line if you want. 

This stuff REALLY works!

P. Monk

Leon

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #146 on: December 19, 2016, 11:26:28 AM »
Just visiting the forums, and saw you posted- P.M.!

So touched and inspired by that success story, and am encouraged that a brother in arms is making progress.


Peace to you.

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #147 on: January 22, 2017, 03:12:52 PM »
Aaaaaand...I'm back!

Reset my counter after a nasty little relapse.  The long and the short of it is...I got cocky (pun, as always, intended). After curing the PIED and the PIDE, I decided I was invincible. So I dallied here and there at some old vices.

My weakness had always been nude pictures of celebs. So while my wife was "paying her monthly bill" (we don't have sex when she's on her period), I revisited some old digital playmates. Figured what's the harm? I'm cured, right?

Wrong!

This is the equivalent of an alcoholic saying "One drink won't hurt me."

It wasn't even a full blown relapse...just a peek here and there. But it led to some regressive thinking. And when the new year arrived, so did the PIED and the PIDE. But that also brought a resolution. This year...I'm going to do it right and complete.

Managed to stay clean for the last few weeks. And I won't even look at bikini or lingerie pictures. Had a serious panic of performance anxiety this afternoon but managed to get through it. The PIED seems to be gone. But I wasn't able to finish.

Still, this re-enforced that the real thing is much better than the fantasy.  Which in turn brings back the correct thinking. Rather than thinking "I'm horny, when will my wife leave so I can jack it", the thoughts are more along the lines of "I'm horny. Let's see what the Missus is doing now so hopefully I won't have to jack it."

My resolve is stronger than ever and I'm determined to permanently put the cap on this thing. I am constantly amazed by my Missus who's been sober for two years and is all the happier for it. Her patience, willpower and tenacity completely inspire me.

So here's to a Prosperous and PIED/PIDE Free 2017!

P. Monk

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #148 on: February 12, 2017, 04:32:04 PM »
Haven't posted in awhile. But I'm still having trouble with the PIDE (no, I'm not dyslexic. That stands for "Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation').

When my wife and I have sex, I can get it up fairly regularly. However, I can't seem to finish. Part of the problem is that I've conditioned myself to ejaculate to imagery (due to the porn or porn fantasies). As a result, I need some kind of fantasy to get me to the Point of No Return.  Once I'm there, I can shift back into reality and ride the wave to orgasm.

But right now, when I try to come, I can't. None of the old triggers work anymore (which is not a bad thing). I recognize this as being part of the infamous "Flatline" (that in-between phase where, as your brain is rewiring itself,  nothing seems to trigger). I'm also aware I'm trying too hard. There will be times I'll try to force it, and just go limp inside her.

Today, as we were getting it on, I could feel the pressure building. So I went into my head to trigger the Point of No Return out of habit. When I realized what was happening, I tried to shift back to the Present, but it was too late. The Little Monk had retreated into his Wilt of Shame.

On the plus side, I haven't so much as looked at any old vices. It's tough, because there's always some internet article about "so-and-so celeb's bikini selfie" or  "such-and-such's sexy lingerie shoot". I don't even click on them anymore. There was also a fetish site I used to frequent occasionally (side note: "frequent occasionally" seems like an oxymoron) that I haven't touched in close to a month.

I'm determined to beat this permanently. And it WILL happen. Just need patience and time (both of which always seem in short supply).

Monk

Punk Monk

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Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« Reply #149 on: February 27, 2017, 10:09:58 PM »
I think things are finally back on track!

Had the biggest case of Blue Balls all week since we hadn't done "The Deed" in a couple of weeks (my wife had to "pay her monthly bill"). So when Saturday rolled around, I jumped at the chance to jump on my wife!

Everything worked as it should have. No PIED or PIDE!

That left me (and her) feeling so good, I was tempted to reward myself with a little Spank Bank Fantasy Wank a little later that night.

Just think about that for second. As a reward for being able to have good, normal REAL sex, I was tempted to have a virtual go with one of my digital playmates. That's literally like an alcoholic rewarding himself with a drink for staying sober for a week.

Happy to say, I resisted. But it's almost frightening the way the addicts brain works.

Thankfully, the desire for recovery is far greater than the need for momentary gratification.

Monk