Author Topic: On the road to recovery, there are drivers, and there are passengers.  (Read 10607 times)

Bibbity

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 425
    • View Profile
Re: On the road to recovery, there are drivers, and there are passengers.
« Reply #25 on: June 04, 2014, 12:45:42 PM »
I am so beyond happy for you!!  Keep a lookout for the chaser effect with him and make sure he's battling those urges every single day.  Way to go :)
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

HelpUsHelpUS

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: On the road to recovery, there are drivers, and there are passengers.
« Reply #26 on: June 04, 2014, 05:31:14 PM »
Thank you  :)

What is the chaser effect?


HelpUsHelpUS

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: On the road to recovery, there are drivers, and there are passengers.
« Reply #28 on: June 04, 2014, 09:57:45 PM »
Eek! Will definitely look out for that. I'll ask him too if he's noticed that.

HelpUsHelpUS

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 39
    • View Profile
Re: On the road to recovery, there are drivers, and there are passengers.
« Reply #29 on: June 13, 2014, 06:43:44 AM »
Last night, I was downstairs having wine with some friends. My guy chose to go upstairs to play video games rather than submerge himself in a room full of cackling estrogen. Understood. I came upstairs at the end of the night to start getting ready for bed and I had this sinking feeling in my stomach that he had been doing more than just playing video games. Could just be me dealing with trust issues still and trying to protect myself from this happening to me again, I don't know.

Anyway, I went in and he was already in the bathroom. He'd left his phone on the dresser and I had that feeling, so I had to look. Things looked fine, except I noticed that in his Safari app, there was no history. He'd cleared it, and that must have just happened because it was his most recently opened app in his phone. I put the phone back, but when he came back up my blood was already boiling.

I didn't mention the phone, but I told him about the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. He told me nothing happened, that he was just playing video games. He swore up and down he was being completely honest with me and I had no choice but to accept that. I told him I'm just mad that I have to get that feeling sometimes still, that I have to worry if he can handle being alone for a few hours by himself. And I'm still mad that he did this to us in the first place. But I stopped myself and told him that I know this existed before I was even around, I just forget that sometimes because I was oblivious until it affected our relationship.

I don't know what to think about the phone. I guess I have to let it go because there's no way of proving anything and who knows? Maybe he just needed to clear some memory on his phone; I could be taking something completely innocent and turning it into a huge issue, or maybe it's what I fear most. I'll never know, and that's the worst. I don't even want to ask him because I know he'll be mad at me for not trusting him even though he's the cause of that. Ugh. This sucks. This sucks so much. 

Bibbity

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 425
    • View Profile
Re: On the road to recovery, there are drivers, and there are passengers.
« Reply #30 on: June 13, 2014, 12:40:51 PM »
I am so sorry that this happened.  I know exactly how you are feeling.  The feeling of not being able to trust your partner is THE WORST feeling in the world.  I still have a hard time trusting over a year later....although it's getting better.  I always trust my intuition and it has always been right in my case.  This makes me end up feeling crazy because of the lying and the need to trust him.  UGH so frustrating.  My husband hasn't had a slip up with porn but he did have a slip up with video games several times when he told me he was going to quit.  Every time I suspected it I turned out to be right  :-\  I really hope he is telling you the truth.
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

tj

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 44
    • View Profile
Re: On the road to recovery, there are drivers, and there are passengers.
« Reply #31 on: June 13, 2014, 02:35:17 PM »
I'm getting curious, the "trust" issue seems to problematic in so many posts here.  Do no wives do anything of a personal matter that they don't divulge to their husbands?  Why does it sound like a husband needs to report everything he is doing or thinking about doing, would that make him more trustworthy and cause less pain to their wives?  Is it an absolute that every wife does not ever view p or mo in private, take notice or even ogle a well built male, are men the only culprits ?  Is it a guarantee that wives or women in general are immune from the temptation of being a little too reminiscent with an old beau encountered on Facebook or Twitter?  Are all these untrusted husbands home at night or are they out on the prowl?  I'm sure this sounds contentious but I'm curious about  the level of distrust some wives have in their husbands.  Do you trust them to provide for the family, do you trust them around the children?

Rainiegirl

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 77
    • View Profile
Re: On the road to recovery, there are drivers, and there are passengers.
« Reply #32 on: June 13, 2014, 03:48:56 PM »
As soon as someone lies to me about something I wonder what else they have lied about. If you prove yourself to be capable of lying then your words and intentions can not be trusted. I have no way of knowing what is real or not. That's how trust is lost. It only takes one lie.
I don't ever lie. Not even white lies. I might not tell my partner everything I do because I don't think he would be interested. If he asks I will tell him whatever he wants to know. If I feel that I would have to lie about something then I know it isn't a thing I should be doing, it's most likely hurtful to someone I love. My spouse is my best friend. I would never hurt him.

Gracie

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1023
    • View Profile
Re: On the road to recovery, there are drivers, and there are passengers.
« Reply #33 on: June 13, 2014, 04:45:24 PM »
I think we all have different ways of dealing with trust issues.  I was married young, had an abusive husband and then waited 11 years until I found my soul mate.  He knew trust was something I required.  I had a fear of being abandoned as well. It is awful to have someone say they love you and then hit you etc.  For me, it was a big betrayal.  The looking at other women naked and thinking of them doing things to you and doing things to them.  Watching the movies and doing this while in our bed, sometimes while he thought I was asleep or when I was away.  The saying I am not tired yet so go on to bed, which turned out to be code for hey there's porn on the tv tonight.  The turning away from our intimacy to porn.  The lying when asked about it.  The "there's nothing wrong with our marriage, don't worry about it."  Then the discovery.  I felt stupid.  I felt hoodwinked.  I felt anger and rage.  I was almost destroyed.  I cannot put in words the sadness I felt. 

Trust was gone. My self esteem was zero.  But we have worked on our marriage and ourselves.  We are two years out and still I have moments.  But  he holds me and says he is not going anywhere.

No I have not lied to him.  That is because that is trait I expect from him.  To me he looks the same as he did when were married even though he has put on weight and grown older.  Maybe I am different or the same as others.  But that is how much trust is valued by me.

Bibbity

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 425
    • View Profile
Re: On the road to recovery, there are drivers, and there are passengers.
« Reply #34 on: June 14, 2014, 12:12:46 PM »
I'm getting curious, the "trust" issue seems to problematic in so many posts here.  Do no wives do anything of a personal matter that they don't divulge to their husbands?  Why does it sound like a husband needs to report everything he is doing or thinking about doing, would that make him more trustworthy and cause less pain to their wives?  Is it an absolute that every wife does not ever view p or mo in private, take notice or even ogle a well built male, are men the only culprits ?  Is it a guarantee that wives or women in general are immune from the temptation of being a little too reminiscent with an old beau encountered on Facebook or Twitter?  Are all these untrusted husbands home at night or are they out on the prowl?  I'm sure this sounds contentious but I'm curious about  the level of distrust some wives have in their husbands.  Do you trust them to provide for the family, do you trust them around the children?

BEFORE I found out about the porn I knew masturbating was normal, I knew finding others attractive was normal.  AFTER finding out that the reason he withheld from me sexually was because of masturbating and he was lying about it, none of those things were normal anymore.  Once trust is broken it's broken.  I no longer believed anything he told me since he blatantly lied to my face on several occasions about things.  I have been completely and utterly upfront and honest with every single transgression on my part.  He chose not to be.

Watching porn and masturbating while withholding sex and intimacy from your wife is the exact same as cheating on her.  Then lying about what is going on when said wife brings up the topic of lack of sex.  You are using your sexual energy for something other than your marriage bed.  I don't believe in secrets in a marriage.  Why would you have secrets from your wife?  It's disrespectful and you are avoiding intimacy with your wife.

For example just a few days ago I looked up my ex bf because he's in a band and I got curious about how he was doing with it.  I told my husband all about it, why wouldn't I? 
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

Viper

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 500
  • Personal Text
    pray not for lighter load but for broader shoulder
    • View Profile
Re: On the road to recovery, there are drivers, and there are passengers.
« Reply #35 on: June 21, 2014, 04:56:49 AM »
As soon as someone lies to me about something I wonder what else they have lied about. If you prove yourself to be capable of lying then your words and intentions can not be trusted. I have no way of knowing what is real or not. That's how trust is lost. It only takes one lie.
I don't ever lie. Not even white lies. I might not tell my partner everything I do because I don't think he would be interested. If he asks I will tell him whatever he wants to know. If I feel that I would have to lie about something then I know it isn't a thing I should be doing, it's most likely hurtful to someone I love. My spouse is my best friend. I would never hurt him.

I was going to write something similar to this as well. I'm not married but I definitely couldn't see my SO scoping out my phone or my computer for that matter.