Author Topic: Yes I Can!  (Read 102576 times)

uncreatedlight

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #700 on: October 31, 2018, 08:42:49 PM »
Congrats on day 3.  It's a wild ride, but it can be done!

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #701 on: November 03, 2018, 11:58:56 PM »
Man this is a frustrating. Sometimes it is just so difficult to process.

Inner_Light

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #702 on: November 04, 2018, 02:25:22 PM »
Hi, Bob.  Sounds like you are in the middle of a hurricane of urges and emotions.  Try to find the still eye of that hurricane by noticing how these feelings show up in your body. Imagine the negative sides of indulging, and the suffering it ultimately brings, to counteract the enticement of the memory of those endorphins.  I hope this is helpful.  Keep plugging away, one day at a time.
"You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be." -James Stockdale.

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #703 on: November 06, 2018, 03:20:04 PM »
I was six months from pmo and I fell.

I feel ashamed, lonely, frustrated and depressed... I want to hide.


This truly is an addiction of isolation and shame...

« Last Edit: November 06, 2018, 03:23:30 PM by bob »

67reboot

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #704 on: November 07, 2018, 12:04:20 PM »
Don't beat yourself up too much Bob, once in 6 months is better than every day ... and even if you have a relapse ever few months for a while your brain is still being rewired and hopefully the time between relapses will increase.

Its only a fail when you fail to keep trying my friend!

Today is another day to try and be clean, one day at a time .. you know the drill

All the best mate, 67

uncreatedlight

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #705 on: November 07, 2018, 02:20:47 PM »
Every day that you are counting is a good day.  It is a day that you are living consciously instead of bumbling through on automatic.  This is just like meditation.  You get distracted, then you redirect your attention back to the breath.

You will beat this.  Think about how far you have come so far.  Just keep going.

Inner_Light

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #706 on: November 09, 2018, 06:30:03 AM »
Bob, you're still moving forward.  Two forward, one back equals one forward.  In your case it's 60 or more forward and maybe one back!  You're getting there.

I have found that beating myself up is actually a part of the cycle that reinforces the habit.  The larger habit is being addicted to stimulation, and the listening to the critical voices inside my head can be as addicting as watching porn because I can feel, compulsively, that I have to listen to them.  I learning instead to step outside this cycle, into a place of peace.
"You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be." -James Stockdale.

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #707 on: November 13, 2018, 06:49:31 AM »
I’m back.

Find that I am by myself. Wife left for work. This is usually the kiss of death but I am working hard to get out of the house without incident. Know I can do it but want to stay vigilant.

My goal is to egnore the shame, embrace the “game”, and move forward with the goal of success. I’ve said in the past, you don’t quit, you continue to win.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2018, 07:24:30 AM by bob »

uncreatedlight

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #708 on: November 13, 2018, 04:40:11 PM »
That's right.  Never, never, never give up.

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #709 on: November 13, 2018, 10:52:47 PM »
Looking back I continue to process my slip into relapse? Where did I go wrong.

Maybe it was pride. Maybe it was the slide of p-subs. Maybe it was thinking that after 75+ days, I deserved to feel OK and masturbate. Not positive but I bet it is a little of all three. All I know at this point is that I am currently at day one with no plan to count days.

This addiction is all about isolation and shame. When I feel shame, I self medicate. And nothing is stronger than a dopamine cocktail that can be slowly sipped for hours on end. The only problem? As soon as you are done, the big o isn't that big, you feel more shame and more pain.

I really want to break this cycle. I want to be done.

One thing is certain. This thing is not easy.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2018, 11:08:15 PM by bob »

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #710 on: November 14, 2018, 07:49:54 AM »
Up and out for another day. Keeping my thoughts of change ever present in my mind.

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #711 on: November 16, 2018, 08:59:47 AM »
Will be traveling to visit a friend who has confessed to a similar challenge with porn. Hope to open up to him and just listen too.

Please think about me as being on the road is always a challenge. I pass by many places that I have visited in the past. I need to make sure I continue on past during this trip. Nothing productive happens when I stop. If fact, I move find myself regressing. Can't do that anymore.

Both my wife and I have a great deal of stress in our lives with current work situations. We got angry with each other yesterday and out of the blue she asked; Are you having an affair? It blew me out of the water. I had no idea that she was feeling so isolated and distant from me. I believe that some of it relates to a recent relapse. I was stunned.

Honestly, my relationship with porn and past visits to adult bookstores is a type an affair in its own right.

This thing has fucked up my life so.

Gracie

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #712 on: November 16, 2018, 09:49:28 AM »
BOB

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!  KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!!!!

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #713 on: November 18, 2018, 03:14:56 PM »
Thank you Gracie.

I know you always have my best interest at heart. Even when I don’t want to hear it myself.

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #714 on: November 18, 2018, 03:56:24 PM »
Went to see my friend who is dealing with this same thing. Made the 7 hour trip passing multiple places that have challenged me in the past. Either I yelled out strong NO! Or I just drove on by.

When I got to the point where we were able to talk, I found i was the one that opened up. It was still good for me. I at least talked about Reboot Nation, the book, You Brain on Porn, and explained my point of view. I don't think he personally thought it was that big of a problem.

I continue to work on opening up to others, either porn related or not. Isolation and shame are my biggest challenges.

« Last Edit: November 18, 2018, 08:10:24 PM by bob »

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #715 on: November 19, 2018, 09:25:28 AM »
Currently reading Brene’ Brown’s book; Dare to Lead.

Here is a quote that I feel describes my frustrations with pmo and mo. I have taken some liberties with the text.

We get stuck and defined by setbacks, disappointments, and failures, so instead of spending resources on cleaning up to assure progress, we focus on the past.
« Last Edit: November 19, 2018, 09:02:37 PM by bob »

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #716 on: November 19, 2018, 09:09:34 PM »
Checking in when I can to make sure I move in the right direction. I continue to mull over in my mind, the things that guided me into this situation. I know that it had become a type of medication, a way to take away the pain.

What if i was actually able to embrace the pain. Take it in and own it. Mull over those thoughts and feelings. Maybe I would see that the hurt I think I would feel, wouldn't be so painful after all.

Good night all. I hope your tomorrow takes you in a positive direction. One where you are in control.

uncreatedlight

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #717 on: November 21, 2018, 11:09:10 AM »
Mulling feeds the pain.  Don't feed it.  Just watch it.  It will dissipate on its own.  This is a very difficult for me.  I'm a ruminant.  But it works.


bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #718 on: November 23, 2018, 03:55:34 PM »
Thoughts and feelings that take me away are present. At the same time I am aware that these emotions don't control me. There is a reason I am staying away. It is the importance of staying present. Not allowing myself to be pulled into isolation.

Peace

uncreatedlight

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #719 on: November 23, 2018, 05:14:47 PM »
Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!  This is a good time of year to connect with others and avoid too much computer time.

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #720 on: November 26, 2018, 11:07:15 PM »
 Was scary depressed over the weekend. Scary because I know what I have used to medicate myself. Trying to figure out why this happened.

I think mostly stress.

Moving forward.

uncreatedlight

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #721 on: November 28, 2018, 09:02:07 PM »
Argggh.  :( FWIW, 800 mg of SAM-e daily has done wonders for me.  It's expensive, but beats the pervasive suicidal ideation I was commonly having.

I think you are awesome, and I am glad you are here.  You make a difference for us.  I hope that you are feeling better.

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #722 on: November 30, 2018, 07:55:36 AM »
After a recent relapse, I received a PM from a supportive female friend here on RN. She stated the following:

"This recent relapse has me puzzled... [just] Quit looking.  Quit looking  Quit looking."

As simple as that sounds, for me, that is the key. I vow to resist the thoughts that encourage me to look. Whether it is the provocatively dressed female that I pass in the hall or around campus, (I work at a university), the allure of exposed breasts ever present in internet click bait, or the quick glance at department store brasserie advertisements.

Then I hear myself ask, "but, can't I just look a little?"

This I will not do!

I will not be drawn to look. But neither will I dwell on the act of resistance. No longer will I accept the power these images have, begging me to white knuckle through the urges. I vow to acknowledge the thoughts, allow them to pass, and center my energy on a change.

It is a new life. A new beginning.

So, I officially thank everyone for allowing me to be a part of this process. Though the years people have come and gone, I appreciate the support and connection I have made here on RN. Without this resource, I would not be where I am today. I haven't totally embraced my new life to the point where the "diversion" is automatic. But have come a long way. Through this process I have grown. I am a person who can see a life without porn, without constant masturbation, without the 24/7 emphasis of self gratification.

To anyone who thinks they can't do it, you are mistaken. While i use to "breath" this stuff, I now I find myself choking, before the breath take hold.

You can do this. I encourage you to have faith in yourself.

No longer will you accept the power these images have, begging you to white knuckle through the urges. You need acknowledge the thoughts, and vow to allow them to pass. You can center you energy on a change. It is a new life. A new beginning.

...rambling again. Sorry. Its just hard to process all of this.

Peace

bob

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #723 on: December 01, 2018, 02:32:58 PM »
Masturbated yesterday soon after my last post. I make this statement to confess to others that what I think in my head and write in my journal doesn't always work the way I want it to work. I am a work in progress.  :)

I also want to comment on counting days. I have done it. I liked doing it. I am sorry that the counter that was available (which counted automatically) isn't still available. But, now, I have a different belief. It has more to do with me personally and not about others keeping track. I still like to know where I am in the process. But, when I would lapse I need to understand that all is not lost. I am not starting. A good part of this process is the shame and sense of failure that occurs when one finds that they fall back into the cycle. I never liked that feeling. I would feel so depressed, and ashamed that I thought i had failed in life. That life almost wasn't worth it anymore. My counter would reset back to zero as if all progress had been lost.

But what about the success I had made? Sure I made a mistake but that didn't mean I couldn't learn from that mistake and move forward. When I compared my progress and what things were like before I started this journey on RN, I had to realize there has been a change in me. The difference is dramatic! I have had a great deal of success with changing my life and moving away from porn and its problems. That is why I keep track of my progress with a spreadsheet. I track when I screw up, whether I mo or pmo'ed that particular day. But I don't "reset the clock."

It allows me to know how many days clean without officially counting each day. It shows how much I have pmo, mo'ed during the last month but it allows me to continue forward. Learn from my mistakes and keep going. After all, my real goal is forever. 

I am providing this link to create your own. Might be able to do it from my version listed on the bottom of my journal but if not, here it is.

https://docs.zoho.com/sheet/published.do?rid=29rl68bd407fa34bf4d58bdadd042b1ba28f6

I am open to any thoughts or ideas others may have on the subject. It is the support of others that we are able to move forward.

Peace
« Last Edit: December 01, 2018, 03:31:25 PM by bob »

NewVerse

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Re: Yes I Can!
« Reply #724 on: December 01, 2018, 09:41:00 PM »
Bob I think you have the right idea. I see no problem with counting or tracking days. I know the whole 90 day number is arbitrary and recovery is different for all of us, but I see tracking progress such as your spreadsheet as a positive thing. I would gather most of us MO'd every day or even multiple times for literally years and decades before we started trying to recover. I am nowhere near where I was before even though I do get frustrated and look back, what if I just stayed cleaner a year ago where would I be? All we have is today, and the power to make it through.

I do feel for you working at a university. That would be rough for me and near impossible to not look. My weakness is fantasy and somewhere in the last 5  years I completely stopped even looking at women as even potential mates or dates. They were just fantasy fodder for later. I am just now reversing that.

No shame in a misstep, Bob. From what I see you are doing great.
« Last Edit: December 01, 2018, 09:56:57 PM by NewVerse »
"It's not real"