Author Topic: I want to live  (Read 32277 times)

RuntoSpirit

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #100 on: July 16, 2016, 12:25:56 AM »
I fucked up...again.  My problem is I don't know how to stay motivated.  I use to watch videos about why porn is bad and how it's harmful and that  kept me motivated, but I've watched all those videos, and now I'm just lost.  Does anybody know of a good youtube channel that has alot of good info about why porn is wrong.  I've already watched all of the ted talks videos, Gabe's videos, sacred sexuality's videos, and no faps videos.  I really need a new channel that has good interesting content so I can stay motivated or I need just another way to stay motivated.  If anyone has any ideas I'd really appreciate it.

Sit yourself down and write out for yourself why porn is harmful.  You know how you feel before, during and after doing porn.  What does porn promise you?  What do you get from it?  Where does it fail you?

Also, your whole focus cannot be on "not doing porn"  you need to be looking at your life and seeing where you want to go.  Enjoy those steps.
Do you do any kind of meditation/faith life?
I find deep breathing to be very helpful in times of urges.



hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #101 on: July 18, 2016, 11:32:03 PM »
You're definitely right man!  Another guy on here pm'ed me a little while ago saying pretty much the exact same thing.  I think what I am going to do is write in my journal on here every 2 or 3 days and see how that goes.  Thanks for the advice man it really means a lot!  Stay strong brother!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #102 on: July 18, 2016, 11:34:52 PM »
Day 2

So today was pretty good, felt more relaxed and more energized throughout the day.  Had some pretty annoying urges when I got home from the gym, but it wasn't anything serious so I just pushed them away.  I need to just push on no matter what, even when the going gets tough because every time I relapse I always just wish I would have kept pushing.  That's what I'm going to do this time!  Stay strong guys, and believe in yourself!

RuntoSpirit

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #103 on: July 19, 2016, 10:53:25 PM »
   Not only did I want to fap because she was attractive, but mainly because it would easier than to ask her out.  This made me realize that the reason that I, and many of us, have lost our confidence is because it's a lot easier to use an image than it is to be with another person.

THis is an amazing observation.  Shows the slyness of porn use, to drive us to isolation.  Good on you to see it and may your confidence in asking women out skyrocket!
Also in reading your expereince I wonder if it would help in combatting urges if one refelcted more on the fact that we really do live through a lot of urges when we can't act on them.  Therefore we really do have the self-control it is just a matter of exercising it.
Cheers to you,

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #104 on: August 01, 2016, 12:59:03 AM »
Day 3

I haven't been on here in a little while because I just kept relapsing and binging.  Felt like complete crap the pat couple days, it's like I just couldn't get motivated to do this.  I failed so many times, it's like I don't even see the light at the end of the tunnel, or believe it's there for that matter.  I'm really tired of putting everything I have into this, making it far, and then relapsing and having a memory of what that felt like.  I can tell you that during my long steaks, and I've had a few, it's been amazing.  I feel like just a better person.  Especially since some of the porn I've been fapping to lately is starting to scare me.  This isn't me, people getting hurt or abused, it's just wrong, but it's like in the moment all morals go down the toilet.  Then I'm just left there wondering, am I a bad person?  Something so evil and demented, and not only am I not fighting it, I'm helping it!  I turned 20 on Saturday, and the worst part about that is exactly one year ago I said I was going to be done with this by the time I turned 20, and that hasn't come to fruition.  Although I'm pretty down about that, there is a silver lining.  The silver lining is a wake up call that no one is going to do this for me.  Others can help and persuade me to fight this, but at the end of the day it's up to me.  This might sound rather harsh and in some ways very bad, but it makes me realize that this needs to be fixed now!  Not tomorrow not a week or two weeks from now, right NOW!  This can't wait.  I'm suppose to be in the prime of my life, but instead I have nothing to show for myself.  That needs to end...Today!  Honestly how awesome would it be to just say "yea I just snapped and realized I was getting to old for this bullshit, and kicked it out of my life."  I long for the day that I can say that.  It's going to be a long journey, but I'm going to get there...my way.

RuntoSpirit

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #105 on: August 02, 2016, 01:13:52 PM »
You will get there.  This is an addiction.  IF someone told you that it was easy to quit alcoholism or heroin you would know better.  THere is no point worrying about which would be harder. the fact is that porn and mastrubation is the addiction that you must face.  YOU say that you have had some streaks of sobriety and you have had a taste of a better life in them.  Draw from this strength.  As you abstain from PMO you are giving your brain a chance to rewire.  THis takes time, but every "YES" moment to sobriety points you in the right direction.   Read the articles on this site.   LEarn of the lies of the porn inductry.   Learn about porn addiction.  Keep posting.  YOu can do this.   It is a fact that for every one who has reco vered thatg they faced times when they felt like it was too much for them, but they pressed through on to recovery. 
You may want to consider an on line recovery program.   FORTIFYPROGRAM.org is priced at onl y $39 for a lifetime membership.
Keep coming here for wisdom and encouragement. 

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #106 on: August 05, 2016, 11:56:59 PM »
Thanks Runo I appreciate the motivation, I gotta just power through this!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #107 on: August 07, 2016, 08:53:41 PM »
Day 4

Wow the past couple days have honestly been an emotional roller coaster.  The other day this girl walked in my work, and randomly gave me this big vibrant smile.  It was the kind of smile that is just contagious and you can't help to smile back.  It was completely out of the blue, and just made me feel amazing.  Whether she was smiling because she liked me or she just felt like smiling I don't know, but it brightened up my day.  Last night was very tough, I had some very serious urges so I decided to go to sleep.  However, the urges still remained.  I just powered through and eventually fell asleep, it was very difficult though.  Today started out as a pretty good day as well, I even had another random girl smile at me and even ask me for help which was cool.  However the day took a very weird turn.  My friend from work told me that he was basically helping this girl cheat with him on her boyfriend.  It just put me in a really weird place.  I felt like I wasn't myself and even now I feel very anxious and flustered.  I told him that it wasn't a good idea, but didn't want to come across as a cock block, so I just let it go.  Kind of astonished that one of my best friends could go so far just to have sex.  Honestly don't know if I can still be friends with him.  Anyway bit of a rant, but everything for the most part is going pretty well.  I just need to keep on the path, and be proud of every day clean from this evil addiction.  Stay strong guys!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #108 on: August 09, 2016, 05:31:24 PM »
Day 6

I felt really low energy today, and was constantly pushing myself to keep going.  Had to grab an energy drink just to make it through the day, which I usually try to stay away from.  Nonetheless, I still had a really good day.  Had a lot of fun with some guys at work, and even got asked by two guys to join a car club they were starting which I'm excited about.  It feels like it's been awhile since I've been apart of something with other people.  I'm really looking forward to hanging out with these guys and going to meets with them.  Feel some slight urges, but nothing major.  I know that in a couple of days the urges are going to hit me very hard.  Normally around day 12 or so they start to really get tough.  I just need to steer clear of urges and keep my goal in mind.  Stay strong guys you can do this!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #109 on: August 10, 2016, 09:08:26 PM »
Had a lot more energy today then yesterday.  Pulled a 10 hour shift and still hit the gym hard right after.  Definitely feeling some strong urges especially because, these 2 girls that I know like me, have been talking to me.  The one girl is literally my 10 out of 10.  It's really hard to not fap, but I knew from the beginning this point was going to come.  I just need to push through it with everything I've got.  Stay strong boys!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #110 on: August 11, 2016, 09:41:57 PM »
Day 8

Today started out really rough, and honestly, I thought it was going to be the worst day I have had in a while, but it turned around.  Met a couple new people, and made some friends.  Also, my energy was through the roof today!  Literally was the most awake and in the moment as I've ever been.  I feel like I'm actually living my life haha.  I'm not going to get cocky though, I know that in a couple of days the urges will get very serious.  I have to mentally be prepared for when that comes, and be ready to deal with it and push forward.  Stay strong guys, it's worth the struggle!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #111 on: August 14, 2016, 08:37:26 PM »
Day 11

I cant believe I've made it this far!  I gave to say, I'm giving this everything I've got this time.  I haven't really felt any urges lately, but I'm sure they're right around the corner.  What I have been feeling lately though is very lonely.  I feel like I just want to be with someone right now.  On the upside this feeling is making me realize the main reason that I turn to porn.  Although porn is obviously very harsh, cruel, and demeaning; I always picture myself in the videos, and as fucked up as this is, it makes me feel good in the moment because it's the closest thing to not being alone.  As screwed up as that is, it made a couple of things very clear.  Not only do I need to beat this addiction, but I need to be ok with just being myself, and being an independent person.  I know that this feeling will pass, but it's very difficult.  Stay strong guys, this addiction will challenge every aspect of your very being!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #112 on: August 16, 2016, 09:12:20 PM »
Day 13

Today was an awesome day!  I met this girl at the gym that I use to go to high school with, and we're becoming really good friends!  I don't know if anything more will come of it, but honestly I don't really care.  I think it's just awesome that I've been making a lot of friends that are girls lately.  Stay strong guys!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #113 on: August 18, 2016, 09:23:43 PM »
Day 15

Today was pretty normal, nothing major happened.  However, I am having some urges that are starting to get strong.  I just need to stay focused, and not forget why I'm doing this!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #114 on: August 21, 2016, 07:57:54 PM »
Day 18

I'm about to make it to three weeks, and I have to say it's been really tough the past couple days.  Girls are not making it easy on me either.  I just had a girl ask me today if I wanted to sext with her, and it was very hard to turn her down.  I know that I can't do that anymore, and to become the best version of myself I will need to make sacrifices and face strong urges.  For those who are worried about making it from day to day, I have some very helpful advice that I've picked up along the way.  This is going to sound very difficult, but it makes a huge difference.  Stay Humble!  That's the advice, instead of making through a day saying "I got this, this addiction has nothing on me," say "I understand that this addiction is tough and I have to treat it as such."  At the same time don't have the mindset that you might fail tomorrow.  Be optimistic, but not cocky.  This addiction will put you through the worst, and you need to be ready for that.  Good luck guys!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #115 on: August 23, 2016, 10:01:18 PM »
Day 20

I can't believe I'm about to hit three weeks!  My best streak is 28 days, and I plan on destroying that.  Not gonna lie nofap has been pretty difficult for the past couple days.  It's not even the urges that make it hard at this point, it's the loneliness.  Loneliness was one of the top reasons why I fapped.  It made me feel better about not having many friends or having a girlfriend.  Obviously nofap isn't the answer because these things are still there.  Nofap just masks them for a short period of time.  These things need to be taken care of not masked.  Honestly though, I have to say, as hard as this journey is sometime; the thing that keeps me going is knowing I'm taking a step in the right direction.  I just have to take one day at a time, because you can't speed up the process.  You just have to sit there and let it do it's thing.  Good luck guys, and keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get there!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #116 on: August 25, 2016, 10:14:35 PM »
Day 22

Wow last night was really tough.  I had some serious urges last night, and it took everything I had to not relapse.  Not gonna lie there were a couple moments where I didn't think I was going to be able to make it, but I did.  They were the type of urges where no matter what you do, you can't get them out of your head.  No matter what you do they just keep cycling in your brain.  I just had to wait it out, but I know it's going to be worth it.  The biggest changes in your brain are made at the hardest points, and last night definitely qualifies.  I just need to continue to stay humble and optimistic about my future and the rest of my life with nofap.  Good luck guys, fight the urges!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #117 on: August 29, 2016, 10:04:36 PM »
I relapsed last night, but not to porn, to a bikini picture.  I literally touched myself and came immediately.  Although this obviously was a little step back, I'm definitely not going to ponder on it, and I'm definitely not going to binge.  I'm just going to get right back up and keep going.  One quick slip up doesn't undo 25 days of hard work and persistence.

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #118 on: September 07, 2016, 06:53:58 PM »
Day 9 (not even counting anymore)

So the past couple days have been really emotionally painful.  I really liked this girl, and so I asked her out and the date didn't go well.  She basically told me that I move to fast and the most we could ever be is friends.  I'm still recovering from that blow, and it's been a real struggle.  I only knew her for a short time, and we only went on one date.  So why does it hurt so much?  I could understand if we were actually dating, but we weren't.  It's been two days and I can't get her out of my head.  Honestly I guess I should be happy because nofap is going great!  I literally don't even think about fapping and porn is even farther from my mind.  I gotta say I'm pretty proud of myself.  I went 26 days without pmo and then relapsed once and got right back up.  Haven't even looked back.  On top of that, I should be happy that I even had the balls to ask the girl out because I never would have done that before.  I know this depressing feeling will pass, but I almost don't want it to.  Once it passes that means it's really over.  On a side note, I have to say my emotions have been crazy these past couple weeks.  It's like I'm feeling things I didn't know I could feel (if that makes sense).  On top of that I know there will be other girls, but it's just hard to imagine that we'll never be anything.  Sorry if this was a bit of a rant, just had to get all this crap off my chest.  Although I'm feeling like shit right now, I'm so happy that I'm doing nofap.  Nofap allowed me to feel these highs and lows, and without it I never would have experienced the happiness I did when I met this girl.  Even as I'm pretty much crying as I write this, I can still say it's worth it to do nofap guys.  Fight for your happiness guys, and never look back!

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #119 on: September 10, 2016, 09:08:57 PM »
Day 12

WTF is going on?  I haven't touched myself, or even thought about touching myself, in the past almost 13 days.  This is due to the 26 day steak I had before this, and getting right back up without even a slight binge.  The problem is I feel like I just relapsed.  I feel down in the dumps, kind of mopey, not as cheerful, almost bored with life.  On the upside I get morning wood every morning, but to be fair I always did before.  I know that this could possibly be a flatline, but I just don't feel like it is.  Just wondering if anyone else had any thoughts on this.

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #120 on: September 12, 2016, 05:54:35 PM »
I relapsed after two weeks.  Normally I would be really upset about it, but I have to say I have come a long way.  I relapsed to the most soft core shit, bikini girls and just hot pics.  I was at the point before this where I had to watch hardcore porn.  I know this was still a step in the wrong direction, but it doesn't excuse the steps I took in the right direction.  I tried not to binge, but I fapped 3 times, only one of which was to the pictures.  As I relapsed this time I could literally feel myself moving backwards in this process.  The whole idea of fapping felt so foreign.  I really wish I would have just gone to the gym early tonight, but I'm not going to dwell on it.  I've been consistently going on long streaks and getting right back up when I fall, and I'm just going to continue to do that.  I guess I kind of jinxed myself the other day, when I thought I had pretty much beat this.  Lesson learned, always keep your guard up.  This addiction will strike when you are least expecting it.  Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm just going to get right back up and hop on the horse.  Honestly the thing that really got me this time, was just simply being bored.  I got home from work early today and there was just nothing to do.  I need to fill these times with things to do.  Normally the day after a relapse is the hardest, luckily I have a lot going on tomorrow, and I shouldn't get any time to do anything stupid.  Keep your head up guys and stay focused, the relapse isn't worth it!  On a complete side note, the other day this porn video that I watched a long time ago popped into my head.  It was a particularly hardcore video, and as soon as I thought about it, I almost puked.  Kind of made me happy to know that some of the things that I found attractive before are now where they should be...the "that's fucking gross" category.   

hextonix

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #121 on: November 03, 2016, 06:16:03 PM »
After a long hiatus of binging I"m back.  This time fapping isn't an option.  Not only do I have a girlfriend that I deeply care about, but I've also made the personal choice to wait to have sex until marriage.  I had a long conversation with my girlfriend today and she's on board.  I have to do my part in this relationship, and part of that is staying completely clean as to not put this goal or my relationship in harms way. 

husnain

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #122 on: November 04, 2016, 04:04:30 AM »
hey i haven't fapped for 18 days and now im experiencing some withdrawal symptoms, is semen leakage after urination one of them. i stayed depressed and feel nothing, i dont fell anything. i want to achieve a goal i.e  i want to make 90 days no fap please help me guys!!

Stretchcomic

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #123 on: December 02, 2016, 11:09:03 PM »
Proud of the motivation, dude! Keep on rolling!

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Re: I want to live
« Reply #124 on: December 14, 2016, 09:41:32 AM »
Its great you got that system going! And i'm a pretty big gym freak myself so if you need exercise advice or workout suggestions hit me up!
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