Author Topic: Counting days into my freedom.  (Read 33537 times)

igetum

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Counting days into my freedom.
« on: June 15, 2015, 09:24:11 PM »
Okay let me get started, I was born curious and misusing my curiosity has led me through close to 10 years of PMO bondage. My quest for porn began when I was way very young(12 maybe 11) when I heard some boys discussing about people acting doing it (sex). Being a well brought kid (with strict christian foundation moral upbringing), I was reluctant to join the conversation. That though did not prevent me from keeping the conversation in mind.
Flash foward three years down the line, I joined high school a bright focused boy. I was determined and I wanted to conquer the world. Then I never knew my "mother of all problems" was about to begin and my dreams were valid. Then my quest was reawakened. I overheard my friends discussing something on low tone and I joined. It was the doing it(sex) acts and they called it porn. I had been warned of drugs and irresponsible sex but no one ever mentioned porn to me. it was a new term and two weeks later I stumbled across a porn magazine and I went beserk looking for magazines.

I was introduced to internet porn later but what changed my mind towards total PMO was masturbation. How did I come to know about it? friends? inteenet? Well I found it in a small book lying in a wardrobe probably left there by the previous occupants. It described the act as "healthy, done by most men and easier way to relieve tension and discover your body". I doubt there is any truth about that statement and if there is it has not applied to me. I went for almost a year trying masturbation but it did not work. When it finally worked though it felt like the best thing that happened in life.

So now I had tools for self destruction and combining them would later produce a potent shortcut to pleasure and nearly kill my  hope, dreams, relationships. First it started as a one time a day thing.Soon, it was twice thrice and even more. When i had a chance I would use TV porn to masturbate. Whenever I did this I felt so down. Internet porn accelerated my PMO activities. One thing that perplexed me though was the urge to look for more porn despite having over 50 gb in my computer disk.
As for relationships with ladies, I have never had any serious relationship. Ladies show signs and even some send my friends but I have had this tendancy to terminate relationships before they begin. My first sexual experience was a failure, I could not maintain an erection. I have tried it severally again but everytime it has been a failure and a lowered self esteem, and then more PMO.
I have tried to quit but failed severally. When i stumbled across Reboot nation, I knew there was a real chance to get myself out of the PMO cycle. With explanations of why the habit is so hard to break, and rewiring, rebooting and stuff, The dimensions of the problem are now clearly defined. I now know that its me against a dopamine soaked mind. I know as I begin this journey the challenges lying ahead but getting my true life back is worth the fight.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2016, 03:56:07 PM by igetum »

BunnyBoy2015

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2015, 02:25:10 PM »
Hi igetum,

I have recently started a reboot and journal. I am on day 8 and things are going well so far. Have a read if you have a spare minute... http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=5218.0

I am interested in your story so far. What age are you now, and what is your experience with women so far? Failures, and successes?

I wish you luck on your progress, don't forget to update your journal regularly I believe it will help.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2015, 02:47:24 PM by MountainSummit »



igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2015, 01:03:26 AM »
Hi MountainSummit,
I am 24, and my experience with women has not been good. I have not had a successful sexual experience because my wood has not been able to hold it through. I have a girlfriend but I have avoided sex because I feel I may fail this time again. Our relationship is on a downfall since she thinks there is something I am hiding from her.

BunnyBoy2015

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2015, 09:14:20 AM »
Hi igetum,

How long have you been together, has she brought up her frustrations with you about no sex? Have you considered telling her what you are going through?



igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2015, 05:49:57 PM »
Hi MountainSummit,
We have been together for close to a year now but first, it was long distance. When she came to live in my town, I wanted to try it and we met for a few days. Each time when we were somewhere she would ask me to tell her something, other times she asked me what technique I used to lay ladies. I avoided those topics. One evening we cuddled whispered sweet nothings but just when she thought I would start it I faked an emergency at my place and left. The next time I called her she did not want to talk to me, the reason she said I knew. From then on we talk less and she insists something is wrong with me. I am considering telling a lady about this but i don't know if it should be her or one of my confidential lady friends. I am afraid she may tell her sister who is a friend of mine too. I feel she deserves to know though.

igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2015, 05:52:56 PM »
Hi MountainSummit,
We have been together for close to a year now but first, it was long distance. When she came to live in my town, I wanted to try it and we met for a few days. Each time when we were somewhere she would ask me to tell her something, other times she asked me what technique I used to lay ladies. I avoided those topics. One evening we cuddled whispered sweet nothings but just when she thought I would start it I faked an emergency at my place and left. The next time I called her she did not want to talk to me, the reason she said I knew. From then on we talk less and she insists something is wrong with me.
She says either I have a lady am unwilling to let go or am saving myself for someone else. I am considering telling a lady about this but i don't know if it should be her or one of my confidential lady friends. I am afraid she may tell her sister who is a friend of mine too. I feel she deserves to know though.

igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2015, 06:46:12 PM »
day 6 21hours,
Before I hit one week, let me give out my previous attempt report. After going for close to ten days in my previous attempt, a part of my life was restored back. I had created a schedule of the most important things in my life, I set a goal to learn some concepts of programming, and continue writing some poems. Imagine how well it worked for ten days my mind was occupied and I did some breathing meditation whenever an urge came knocking.
For those ten days though, sleeping became a big problem. I could lie in bed for hours but still no sleep. My mind tried to argue me into a relapse but i kept warding off the thoughts. Though I did fall into masturbation, it was a milestone achieved ten days without deep thoughts of porn. I came back here and created this journal and a counter, and as I read through I found out about withdrawal symptoms. Insomnia, imagined pains, headaches and i remembered experiencing some during the ten year period.
Things that have so far worked for me are
1. Literally speaking to my mind and telling it to get off a certain thought.
2. Avoiding lone times if I am doing nothing instead taking a walk.
3. Setting goals, and aiming to achieve them by doing something each day associated with my goals. (I want to program and i read books, try examples, and call a programming guru friend). I have a writing hobby and I scribble something each day. I am collecting ideas to one day write a book so that every person knows the whole PMO, novelty, dopamine, rewire reboot stuff. And i am doing it now.
4. Starting it now. I am tired of procrastination that is why I made a decision to start the noFAP no PMO program immediately. "There is nothing as powerful as mans decision" a lady friend once told me when she found me undecided on some issue. Just decide and you will do it.
5. I maditate, a simple breathing meditation has such a mind calming effect I had no idea of until I tried.
Finally I read a lot of posts here. I have read the  advice and a lot of things that I do above have been adopted from here. Successful reboot starts with you.

BunnyBoy2015

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2015, 05:25:59 AM »
She says either I have a lady am unwilling to let go or am saving myself for someone else. I am considering telling a lady about this but i don't know if it should be her or one of my confidential lady friends. I am afraid she may tell her sister who is a friend of mine too. I feel she deserves to know though.

Hi igetum,

This is a tough one, perhaps tell one of your confidential lady friends first and get to grips with how you want to explain yourself. I watched a video of Coach Church explain how to tell a significant other a while ago and he made is sound better than I would have done it. You are the only one who can judge whether it is right to say anything. The question is, do you think she will stick around and support you if you do tell her. If not there is no point doing it.

Good luck on this one.



igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2015, 02:20:55 PM »
Day 11 and many hours
I have had feelings like I want some MO, but I am heading to bed straight. I am just looking for something to distract my mind. I have had a good week though. I am going to search for what makes 10+ days such a tempting time to go astray.

mousta

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #9 on: June 23, 2015, 02:59:19 PM »
Good progress man, keep going.
I'm glad there are so many people taking the same road I'm taking. And interestingly, sharing similar experiences and similar conclusions.
I remind myself and you, the hardship has to only be suffered in the beginning of the process. After that, we should be witness the fruits of our labor.

igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2015, 02:29:32 PM »
Thanks mousta....All that strength to overcome desire to PMO has come from guys here. Reading journals has become a part of me.

SirDog

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #11 on: June 24, 2015, 03:11:14 PM »
Hi igetum,
As you say, this is journey has many challenges. For what I found in internet (journals, documentaries, etc...) about brain behavior, it has something called brain plasticity. I don't know enough to explain exactly what are all the possibilities of it but basically is a brain's capacity to restructure itself due to external and internal experiences. In fact a few months ago I saw a notice in New Scientist web page were they talk about Mindfullness, that is a kind of meditation and they that that in only 8 weeks a group of neuroscientist (I don't remember the university) were be able to notice significant brain changes (positives). So even if we all did some damage in our dopamine's neuroreceptor there is scientific evidence that is possible to fix it.

I can't find the notice's link but here is some info about it: http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg22630210.500-panic-depression-and-stress-the-case-against-meditation.html

 ;)

igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #12 on: June 25, 2015, 06:46:53 AM »
Hi igetum,
As you say, this is journey has many challenges. For what I found in internet (journals, documentaries, etc...) about brain behavior, it has something called brain plasticity.

 ;)
Thanks alot Sirdog am going to read that and see what there is to strengthen me in this journey.

igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #13 on: June 25, 2015, 07:14:49 AM »
Day 13,
Over the past few days, I no longer experience insomnia. Since I currently do not work, I take short naps during the day. I have noticed that am dreaming a lot both during the day and night sleeps, something that has not been happening that frequently. I am getting erections in the morning. I have today written 3 poems, and am happy since I thought my poem writing was gone. I have also started conversing freely to people around, with a bit of confidence.
My urge to MO comes and goes, the temptation to go to a dark corner and do it is big but the feeling in my first days in freedom is just so good. This time round am not letting go.
I am also fighting with flashes and fragments of porn memories. But I am just telling them off literally and trying to think in a more constructive way.I love writing and I want one day to publish a book on PMO so I have began taking notes. People have to know about this and avoid/quit it.

igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #14 on: June 26, 2015, 03:39:49 PM »
Day fourteen,
The craving is bad, yes, i feel like going somewhere and wanking off but I just hope today passes just like yesterday. I am trying my best to not stay alone in the house by taking walks. I can now look at people in the eyes when we converse and I have had unbroken eye contact with ladies I have met, something I was unable to do.
I made several phone calls to people I thought we were disconnected and they were too happy to hear from me. I have unliked several pages in my Facebook account which have some semi nude to nude images. Apart from several flashbacks of porn memories, I feel no need to watch porn. My muscles feel tired, I feel sleepy during the day and for the past few days, I take naps of up to thirty minutes. I stopped drinking some few days ago due to bad hangovers and nausea and it has helped a lot, since my drunk mind has always been one source of wanting to PMO.

igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #15 on: June 27, 2015, 11:36:14 AM »
day15
Today i feel drained of energy. I feel so down i think i will head to my bed early.

igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #16 on: June 28, 2015, 03:01:17 PM »
If pain all over my body is one of the withdrawal symptoms, then I am hit hard. I feel pain in my muscle, my head was aching a bit during the day and the urge to M.O is occurring once in a while. When I look at the nearly 17 days + in my counter though, I feel nothing but freedom nearing. I can not imagine just how much my life had changed over the past few days.
What I like the most is I can now look at ladies just as they are, Gods beautiful gift, and I have the urge to approach them. I do not feel the urge to undress them in my head or later to MO to them. When I look back at the things I have done in the past, the thoughts I have had, and the rotten porn clips I have watched I feel so ashamed, but that does not make me feel like giving up. It makes me strive to distance myself from such obscenities. I am already enjoying the freedom from PMO.

mousta

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #17 on: June 28, 2015, 03:25:44 PM »
If pain all over my body is one of the withdrawal symptoms, then I am hit hard. I feel pain in my muscle, my head was aching a bit during the day

Well, you are definitely not alone in this. I'm currently having these same symptoms. But my headache is quite severe. I hope these don't last so long.

igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #18 on: June 28, 2015, 03:42:34 PM »
I hope these don't last so long.

I am not sure how long they will last. On first attempt to reboot, which lasted for 10 days, I was hit by insomnia which lasted for about those ten days. On this attempt now the insomnia has vanished, but the pains are here. I also hope they will just wear off after a short period of time.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2015, 03:47:14 PM by igetum »

igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #19 on: June 29, 2015, 02:40:48 PM »
Today started with pain in my shoulders(very intense) which later seemed to diffuse through all my body. In the morning I literally did nothing since the pain could not let me. I have had to apply pain balm and the pain has subsided but not completely gone. I have had to sleep twice during the day, an accumulation of around 3 and a half hours. I don't know why I feel so sleepy during the day nowadays.
I have mild head aches but they are not bothering me as the pain in my upper body.

igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #20 on: July 02, 2015, 12:06:47 PM »
Day 20,
Finally, the pain in my upper body is gone. I found some remnants of porn in my laptop and quickly shift deleted it. I am still sleeping heavily during the day, though the hours are decreasing. My memory is improving noticeably. Did I say that I can now speak freely with people? :) :) :) . Though I am still dealing with procrastination, I feel so happy and restored.

BunnyBoy2015

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #21 on: July 02, 2015, 05:10:51 PM »
Did I say that I can now speak freely with people? :) :) :)

Hi igetum,

That is really good. I am going through the same process and can't believe the friendships I am now forming and the pleasure I now feel in the company of others I used to try and get away from. Keep up the good work!



igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #22 on: July 03, 2015, 01:50:16 PM »
@ mountainsummit
Thanks alot, you wouldn't believe how much you have inspired me in my journey to freedom.

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #23 on: July 03, 2015, 01:52:38 PM »
congratulation igetum on getting through 21 days.
prepare yourself for upcoming cravings and urges.
you have to train your brain to resist the craving, even on the worst day.
keep moving forward.

igetum

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Re: Counting days to my freedom
« Reply #24 on: July 03, 2015, 02:21:21 PM »
@mtaha
Thanks alot. I am preparing to wage an upcoming battle successfully. In fact last night I was alone in the house and a thought surfaced "you are alone tonight, give yourself a dose". And I whisperd back, "poor mind, you have been alone and lonely for like eternity, no dose". And slept.