Author Topic: My story and journal  (Read 2919 times)

firebird

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My story and journal
« on: June 14, 2015, 06:11:39 AM »
Hi guys.

I wanted to share my story with you and maybe hear your opinion on whether my problems are related to porn consumption. Wall of text incoming, but I feel like every piece of information might be important.

I am currently 23 years old. I started masturbating when I was like 14, I don't exactly remember. However, I didn't start using videos or bigger amounts of internet porn until I moved to a bigger city about 4 years ago (my parents live in a rural area with really shitty internet). I once found a porn DVD within my Dads Vidoe collection and occasionally used it when my parents were gone, but most of the time I fapped to fantasy.

First time sex with 16, some random girl. A couple months later I had my first girlfried and we stayed together for six years. We moved to a different city together. It was a good relationship with a healthy sex life. At some point - I'd say about 2-3 years ago, about a year after moving in together - the relationship went from being really happy to being shit. This was due to a couple reasons one of the key elements being the fact that my GF for whatever reasons completly lost her libido and we only had sex like once a month.

Nevertheless It took us another two years to split up (which finally happened last october). Now because we didn't really have sex and because I finally had a good internet connection the moment when my GF lost interest in sex was the point when I began to use internet porn. So basically for the past 3 years I have been using internet porn regularly. I *would not* consider myself 'addicted' at any point, it never interfered with life, job or sports. But I masturbated daily and almost always sitting in front of my laptop using porn videos.

During that time, I noticed several things:

- My own libido began to decline, it didn't bother me as much as before that I didn't have sex with my gf, mostly because I knew at some point she would leave for work and I could masturbate. I lost the urge to engage and try to get sex, I completly focused on porn.
- Girls 'on the street' somehow stopped being attractive. I don't know how to describe it, i would notice a girl and I feel somewhat attracted to them, however, that is completly 'asexuel' attraction. I stopped getting sexually aroused from nice legs or tight shirts. When I see a girl other guys would propably consider 'hot' I only recognize her as 'asthetically beautiful', it doesn't trigger any sexual desires.
- I began to browse for more 'hardcore' videos, like anal and stuff... 'normal' sex began to seem boring.
- I stopped having NRBs.

However at the time those signs didn't really strike me as alarming. I fapped to porn happily (except I was doing a lot wrong, for example death grip and stuff).

Now back to my story, a jump in time back to last november when I broke up with my girlfriend. After a certain period of anger and sadness I went clubbing with my friends and relatively soon found a girl that I took home. Now I only did this because I needed to get over my old GF and felt like I needed to experience another women... NOT because I really wanted sex with a real women. We tried to have sex but I couldn't perform. Not. At. All. She really did her best to try but my penis just ignored her.

That was the point where I noticed something was wrong with me and something needed to change.

First I thought of a medical issue. I went to see two different doctors. The looked at my blood and even made an ultrasound. Long story short: I was/am completly healthy. Both doctors assured my that there was no medical reason for me not being able to perform. Both of them said my problems were PA. I was given a prescription for viagra and the doctor told me to use it until I have lost my anxienty.

So I went back to the girl, took a pill. Everything worked. Except only when using viagra. As soon as I wasn't taking a pill nothing worked. No matter what she or I were doing. So eventually I needed to find another way out, mostly because that shit was expensive as hell. The whole time there was one problem: I didn't really find the girl sexually attractive. She was beautiful by all means but my brain simply wasn't reacting to it. I liked spending time with her, but basically she was constantly horny and I was... not interested.

I then googled and eventually at some point found YBOP.   

Since then I hope that my problems are related to porn. I try to quit watching porn, not giving up, currently on day 9 without PMO.

I have no idea how but I think over the past 3 years I have managed to completly fuck up my brain. I remember how I had boners all day from looking at my classmates in highschool. I had sex with different women before and for 3 or 4 years I had a satisfying and exciting sex life in my past relationship. However, currently I feel almost asexual. I live in a giant monsterous flatline, sexual desire equals zero. I have morning woods and I can get a boner when masturbating (with and without porn), but only "to test if it still works". I have lost my sexuality. I am healthy, I eat healthy, I do a lot of sports, I am successful in my job - and propably addicted to porn?

Do you guys think this is PIED?
I am afraid it might be some deeper  psychological shit problem?

Thanks for reading!
« Last Edit: June 18, 2015, 10:15:11 AM by firebird »

Pinky

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Re: My story and journal - is this PIED?
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2015, 07:22:59 AM »
Welcome to RN, firebird!

It does look like a mild case of PIED. You get morning wood, and you can masturbate without using porn, but can you masturbate without thinking about porn (or without using fantasy at all)? Your low libido is indeed a sign that you managed to fuck up your brain to a certain degree.

It may be that you failed with that girl not only because of your porn use, but also because you were so depressed after the break up. Anyway, I would advise to keep doing your reboot hard mode. Nofap makes your life better in many ways, not always related to sex (like it gives a huge boost to your mood and self-esteem).

Thanks to the shitty rural internet you grew up with, your recovery should not take too long. Who knows, maybe you'll become a new sex god just in 30 days ;)
Every choice counts!

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firebird

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Re: My story and journal - is this PIED?
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2015, 08:01:25 AM »
Day 10

Thank you for your nice welcome words! ;)

I will definitly continue hard mode.

Before I started hardmode (10 days today :)) I could most of the time get an erection without watching porn, but I not without pretty heavy fantasies and also not without touching myself rather strong. I think/I hope this is because I have been masturbating wrong my whole life (death grip). You know, as in fucked up my brain and desensitized my penis with too wrong masturbation.

I'm just pissed that it took me so long to realize how porn and masturbation were actually messing me up. -.-
« Last Edit: June 18, 2015, 10:32:38 AM by firebird »

BunnyBoy2015

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Re: My story and journal - is this PIED?
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2015, 12:51:17 PM »
Hi firebird,

Yup sounds like PIED to me, at least we know there is a cure. Well done on 12 days, that is a good start. I cannot get an erection with touch alone, so I envy you on your part. I have been struggling with ED since 13, although there have been short periods of my life without it. There are also other reasons than ED that are worth quitting porn for. I always felt like there was someone else out there that I would rather be with, no matter how much I liked my girlfriends. I also have found it hard throughout my life to enjoy the simple, little pleasures of life, and have constantly been chasing that next big dopamine hit. I have been suffering with schizophrenia and depression the last 5 years also, and hope that by removing porn from my life I can help alleviate some of the symptoms.

I have also just started a journal, feel free to come check it out... http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=5218.0

You are on the right course. Good luck and stay strong.



firebird

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Re: My story and journal
« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2015, 10:30:24 AM »
Day 13

So today is my 13th day without PMO.

Something strange happend today. One of the girls at university wore an a little bit see-through dress today and i mean... at least I noticed it. That was a little success for me, as usually I would completly ignore/not notice it it. I then concentrated and imagined making out with her and even though I was far away from getting really turned on or even getting a boner at least I felt my body respond to it. This might very well be a placebo, I have no idea. I felt really bad after the whole thing because I know hardmode usually means staying away from everything related to sexual stimulation. The situation was just too tempting.

I will now try to avoid such situations, too. But after all it showed me that I'm on the right track, I guess.

BunnyBoy2015

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Re: My story and journal
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2015, 03:41:15 PM »
Hi firebird,

Don't worry that you were attracted to this girl. I think it is ok to test your bodies reaction to her, as long as when you were thinking about making out you weren't using porn type images or trying to force it. You reactions to these situations will get better and better the longer you are without PMO.



firebird

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Re: My story and journal
« Reply #6 on: June 21, 2015, 12:05:33 PM »
Day 16

Sooo... today is day 16.

To be honest, it's quite easy for me not to PMO at the moment. My libido is at an all-time-low. Yesterday I had an extremly had morning wood, lasted quite some time. Yet: No libido, no no reason boners. No interest in women or anything related to *sex*. Continuing my journey.

 

firebird

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Re: My story and journal
« Reply #7 on: June 24, 2015, 07:07:28 PM »
Day 20

Yeah... day 20. I don't know why, but recently I feel pretty bad. Not really depressed, but a little sad and hopeless. I'm still flatlining, libido equals zero, no sexual desire, no urge to PMO.

If I had to describe my current state I would say I almost feel asexual. I have no idea what is going on - but it feels terrible.

I mean I'm fcking 23, I just want to feel a little bit like I felt back when I was 16/17/18. You know, looking at a hot girl, getting a boner. Not looking at a hot girl and thinking about my breakfast.

Guess it's a good thing to be flatlining as there isn't really a risk of a relapse... but I'm just so fcking afraid that it won't go back to normal. I'm afraid that it maybe has nothing to do with porn at all. Of cause this whole reboot thing makes perfect sense, yet I'm constantly thinking: 'What if your problem doesn't have anythhing to do with porn?' I'm afraid I might have lost my sexuality and that there is nothing I can do against it. I'm afraid it'll stay like this for the rest of my life. And that just fucks me up.

 

toreador

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Re: My story and journal
« Reply #8 on: June 25, 2015, 01:49:18 AM »
Hi Firebird,

there's no need to be afraid of anything at all. The mere fact that you have temporarily reduced interest in sexual things does by no means mean you have become "asexual". Don't make the mistake to compare your PMO levels of arousal to what a "normal" person, i.e. someone with little exposure to pornography, would feel. There's certainly nothing wrong with being horny from time to time, but getting an erection from every girl you look at certainly isn't "normal" either. Just give it some time and forget everything about the asexual nonsense. It's called flatline and it's your mind going back to a healthy way of dealing with your sexuality.

BunnyBoy2015

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Re: My story and journal
« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2015, 06:15:16 AM »
Hi firebird,

toreador is absolutely right. There is nothing to worry about. All that has happened is you have wired your brain to only react to porn type stimulus to get aroused. Things like, being alone, voyeurism, constant novelty, and new material. It is going to take time and possibly rewiring to let the old pathways to dopamine release to weaken and the pathways to natural arousal to strengthen up again. I am going through a flatline myself at the moment, and it can be dangerous to our recovery. Some people want to MO or PMO just to prove that they can get aroused again even though they are not feeling horny.

Be patient, here is a journal of a guy who went through hell to recover and felt asexual for a long time, and then has a successful recovery and rewired with a new girlfriend. Note, he didn't feel like he had a strong libido before he started getting sexy with her, but his body was more capable than he thought. http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=13306.550

Its a long read, but quite interesting.

Stay strong.



firebird

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Re: My story and journal
« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2015, 07:10:43 AM »
Thanks guys - I really apprechiate your support.

firebird

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Re: My story and journal
« Reply #11 on: June 27, 2015, 10:02:44 PM »
Day 24

It's 4 o'clock in the morning here. I just came back from a party.

Several girls showed interest and one even asked me to 'bring her home'. I didn't do it with some bullshit excuse. Nevermind the girls, I'm rebooting and don't feel like I'm ready for real girls yet. She was nice and good looking and I felt it when she pressed against me... but not as much at it was when I was 'healty'.

The past days were really rough, I had some serious trouble going on, questioning my sexuality and my whole situation. The posts by MountainSummit and toreador really helped me - thank you guys!

I wish I had some real life friend to talk to about my situation. It's not that im not a social guy, I have many 'friends' actually... but many of them are female and regarding the male friends I have, I know they don't have similar problems... I thought about it for quite some time, but there is no one I can talk to. Maybe I can talk to my dad, I don't know. He is pretty cool and chilled and overall we get along very well but we never talked about sexuality before... I'm just so happy I have the internet, even though I don't really 'know' anyone here, writing down everything makes it SO MUCH EASIER. Seriously. It's pretty funny how the internet on the one hand caused all this but on the other is such a helpful tool to get over it. Strange!

I don't know which is worse: Having sexual desire and not being able to perform OR flatlining and not having sexual desires at all. Both are terrible feelings.

I think I'm on the right track.


firebird

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Re: My story and journal
« Reply #12 on: June 29, 2015, 07:30:44 PM »
Day 27

Looking forward to completing my first month without PMO.

To be honest until now rebooting has not really given me that much.

+ I know I'm capable of not PMOing for 27 days. Yey.
- Libido is still non-existent
- No urge to masturbate
- Morning wood is there as it used to be, still no NRBs. Nothing new here.
- Girls (still) don't arouse me. Nothing really does actually. I like getting females attention and I am 100% sure I could theoretically have dozens of ONSs if I wanted to... but my body my brain just says "No". Boring, not interesting.
- Penis feels dead. I tryed edging with fantasy and stimulation. I was able to get a really hard erection (without thinking about porn at all), however, it was all 'artificial', no real urge or libido involved. Thought about counting it as a relapse, but decided not to... was a onetime thing, didn't O and don't consider it a big deal actually.
- Can't get a boner from fantasy alone
- Don't think I could get a boner 'naturally' with a girl.

Overall I feel decent, not much different from when I started. Except for a little downtime about a week ago I'm doing fine.

I'm preparing to reboot for a longer time. I hoped to be finished with something between 30 and 60 days but by now I think It'll definitly take longer. Too bad. But there isn't an alternative, is there! :P 


 


firebird

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Re: My story and journal
« Reply #13 on: July 05, 2015, 07:05:46 PM »
Day 34

I guess I'm doing pretty well. I have gone 34 days without P and MO so far.

I think my libido might be coming back slowly. I might be wrong tho, but I'm feeling better. It weather was really good here recently and I really enjoyed the sun.

I'm continuing my journey.



BunnyBoy2015

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Re: My story and journal
« Reply #14 on: July 06, 2015, 05:38:40 AM »
Hi firebird,

You are making this seem easy! Keep up the good work and tell me your secret!