Successful recovery from P.I.E.D. from age 13 to 28... RELAPSE!

[BunnyBoy2015]

Hi,

I have recently discovered the phenomenon of porn induced E.D. and it has come as a huge relief. I have suffered with ED since my first serious girlfriend aged 13, and have always thought it was something that couldn't be changed or fixed. I didn't tell anyone for 15 years until this week when I told my Dad! He has been really supportive and feels for my pain of dealing with this alone for such a long time.

I have struggled with having sex for all this time and believed that it was due to performance related anxiety, and I always wondered why I had no problems when using porn. I have been masturbating to TV and internet porn since the age of 11, and at one point during my early teens I was masturbating 3 times a day. I fell in love aged 13 with a 16 year old girlfriend and started exploring sexual acts. All the guys at school suddenly decided I was cool, but underneath I was embarrassed because I knew I had problems getting and maintaining erections with her, despite her being a beautiful and very attractive young woman.

I stayed away from sexually confident women all my life since then even though I was more attracted to them. I did this because I knew they would want to rush to have sex and I would disappoint them, and I was terrified of any of my partners telling anyone else and that I might be know as the guy who couldn’t get it up.

There was one girl I was totally in to since I knew her from the age 14 to 27, and I blew my one chance with her because I couldn't get an erection, it totally devastated me and has stuck with me ever since.

I have also had psychological problems since I was 22. I suffered a psychotic episode and have been in an out of relapses since. I also suffer with depression. I wonder if deep down my failures with sex and the distress this has caused is a reason for my psychological problems. I am looking forward to a long reboot and to see if my mental health improves with it. I have had stable mental health for nearly a year now and it is something I have been working really hard on. I have learned that I need to share my concerns and anxieties with other people to let the pressure on myself go, and how to build a life without too much stress. I am really grateful for the support I have had with this from many people and medical practitioners. I am hoping this will be one more thing that I can get right and will contribute to improving my quality of life.

Also I am interested to know what support networks other people have used outside of internet forums such as this, and how much people have felt they have helped their recovery or anxiety. I am interested in the idea of sharing my problems with close friends, other members of my family, or support or 12 step groups.

[BunnyBoy2015]

Day 5

I woke with morning wood, and was dreaming about sex. I am starting to feel quite frustrated, and I am thinking about porn and sex a lot throughout the day. I am also finding it hard to make conversation, and to think clearly. I don't know if this is because of the reboot. I want to talk to more people about this journey I am on, but find it hard to trust people. Its all I am thinking about at the moment, but I am glad I have made it to day 5 without too much trouble so far.

I'm also wanting to date girls at the moment but I am scared of my ED being a problem, going to have to be patient as I think my reboot is going to be a long one.

[BunnyBoy2015]

Day 6

Spending a lot of time reading journals today, gearing myself up for the frustrations to follow. I've also started drinking this week after being sober for one year. I have drank every night this week, its a distraction at least.

Fantasised about a friend briefly earlier to see if I could get an erection. There was a very slight sign of life, but not much. Every time I think about porn I feel a rush of dopamine, need to stop thinking about it. Feeling a bit horny but no life in my dick.

This is going to be a long reboot.

[BunnyBoy2015]

Drunk again tonight, I have been getting dopamine rushes from watching films, tv, drinking, surfing the internet and thinking about sex. I'm not sure of what I am really doing at the moment, but it is taking away the pain of not MO. I am feeling horny just talking about sex but with no erection. I know if I turned on porn I would get one and I would immediately remove the pain. Not sure if drinking is good because it takes away my will power, but then it also a depressant so removes the desire to MO.

I feel lonely, and wish I had more people to talk to about this.

[BunnyBoy2015]

Day 7

Lots of memories have been coming back to me from my distant past about relationships I was in during my teens. I've been thinking about the real reason these relationships didn't work out was because of my fears of ED. It has shaped so much of my life up until this point. Why, why, why didn't I get help or advice earlier. So much pain and misery could have been avoided.

My dick has been hanging fuller and looser the last few days. I tested myself to see if I could get erect with fantasy (none porn related fantasy), I felt a few sensations down there, but no change in size. Feeling horny all the time, but not getting erections. I just want to O.

Hopefully tomorrow will be easier, or maybe better yet I will be stronger.

[BunnyBoy2015]

Went for a run, felt much fitter than I have recently, and I got a natural high from sprinting short distances.

When I got back my body started shaking and I felt a physical discomfort all over my body. My penis shrank up and my balls started to ache.

Now I am back on the booze, I am feeling uplifted and happy. I know I am doing the right thing by rebooting. I have been reading other people's journals where they have relapsed and I am feeling strong, in that I feel like I won't do that myself. I don't care how bad my flatline gets, I have seen it all before. I want to be able to trust my body to do the right thing when I am with a woman. That is my goal, that is my vision. I have had too many disappointing experiences in my past to let this reboot go wrong. I have been using online dating sites for the last year but I have decided to stop using them, there is no point putting myself in anxiety provoking situations. I don't care that I am alone and have been for 3 years, I need to go through this process. I don't care that all my friends are getting married or are settling down into long term relationships and having babies, this is a process I have to go through.

I will make sure I talk more to my dad about this process so he knows what I am going through and can be my accountability partner. I am sure he wishes he could be more proud of his son and know he is capable in this department, but this is just how it is for now.

[BunnyBoy2015]

Day 8

Not too much to report today regarding the state of my dick. No erections, and slightly withdrawn.

However my mind seems to have made some improvements today. I started the day feeling a little aggressive, but in general I feel fresher and seem to be enjoying the simple things in life more today. I have been performing better at work, and almost feeling happy. I have had to think of other ways of getting my dopamine fix. I have done this by watching some comedy, thinking back to times when I felt huge rushes of dopamine, running, browsing the internet, eating some of my favourite food. This seems to be holding back any frustration.

I hope all the days to come are as easy as today has been.

[mousta]

Hey man,

Good progress you are making here. I've read your journal posts, and I've a couple of takeaways. About the other ways to get that dopamine rush. I think the goal is to return the mind back to its normal levels. Which means you have to sustain these boring days with no excitement or pleasure of any kind. Eventually, I think (hopefully) that will make your mind enjoy little things of life back, and not crave dopamine as before.

About drinking, I really don't know if It's a problem to drink while recovering. I'm not a drinker myself. My intuition goes like this. We are trying to face our problems and deal with it like real men. We shouldn't run away from it. For me, coffee is a real mood stabilizer.

Good job on your streak. Keep it up. You're on the right track.

[BunnyBoy2015]

Hey man,

I think the goal is to return the mind back to its normal levels. Which means you have to sustain these boring days with no excitement or pleasure of any kind. Eventually, I think (hopefully) that will make your mind enjoy little things of life back, and not crave dopamine as before.

Thanks mousta for coming through to my journal and the advice, I will try and taper out these rushes as soon as possible. These rushes aren't as big as the rushes I get from PMO by any stretch of the imagination, and I think they are keeping me from reaching back to old habits for the moment. My end goal will be to cut the drinking and dopamine rushes altogether.

Day 9

I woke up dreaming about a pornographic fantasy as I was dry humping my bed this morning, I stopped as soon as I realised what I was doing, but it felt good. I had a strong erection and was getting some dopamine rush from it. I felt horny and excited for a good few hours afterwards. Feels good to have some life down there, but as mousta says I need to start reducing these dopamine hits.

I also feel strangely happy today, not really sure why, whether it was the morning wood. I have the day off work, so maybe thats it, but it feels nice, as I have been struggling with depression lately, and can't remember a simple, innocent happiness for a long time. Maybe its the reboot making me enjoy every day life again. It seems like it is too early for these kind of results, but maybe.

[njack2015]

Hey man,

Interesting post.  I'm in the process myself of cleaning up as you would have read in my thread.  What I found easy was quitting the porn.  But there are other mediums such as sexting people, pictures of women in bikinis and of course fantasy.

I think the main thing is to keep doing what you're doing. Easier said than done but always picture the future!  No one knows how long our reboots will take but it WILL get better.   But sadly, as I've noticed, there are a lot of low points as part of healing.  I've stayed clean for about a month and seem to be in a constant flatline; no labido, no interest in sex, no interest in women, nothing.  But I reckon I will take a while to heal due to the number of years my brain has been rewired.

Best thing is to keep busy and replace the porn time with other things and trying to stay as sociable as possible rather than locked in your room with a laptop!

[igetum]

Hi MountainSummit
 You seem to have an understanding father man which is a good starting point.
Your experience with women seems to have a similarity with mine. Though I started sex late (18 years). After two three failures, I have avoided women and sex like plague. I could not bring myself to have another failure. Am six days off and I just want to go out and be social.

[NeverSurrender]

Hey man, I just want to say I am cured of PIED and if you go back and read my posts you can see how shitty it can be. I just want you to know it is 100% possible to fix and if you stay at it and stick through the flatline you WILL make it. Good luck.

[BunnyBoy2015]

I've stayed clean for about a month and seem to be in a constant flatline; no labido, no interest in sex, no interest in women, nothing.  But I reckon I will take a while to heal due to the number of years my brain has been rewired.

Hi njack2015,

I think my recovery will take a while as well as I have had problems with ED since the age of 13 and been heavily watching porn since before then. It can be scary when you have no libido, and you went up wanting to fap just to prove that you can still get aroused. Well done on the 37 days, stay strong and keep going.

Your experience with women seems to have a similarity with mine. Though I started sex late (18 years). After two three failures, I have avoided women and sex like plague.

Hi igetum,

I have actually been in quite a few long term relationships despite my ED. During my teens I had sexual partners from the age of 13, but couldn't have sex because of my ED, however I found it possible to get erect for handjobs. I then lost my virginity at 19, but it was a disappointing experience and I constantly had trouble getting or staying hard for vaginal sex. After a while I started to rewire more and more for sexual acts though.

I got into another relationship in my early 20s and went back to struggling with ED a lot, however we kept persisting and eventually I rewired, and had pretty great sex with this girlfriend for about a year, although I had ED when she went on top.

I eventually broke up with her, and had a girlfriend 3 years ago, and I went to the doctor and got prescribed viagra, so managed to have a lot of sex with her, but I didn't tell her I was taking it and I felt guilty and ashamed. I was also dealing with psychosis and depression by this point, which I also didn't tell her about, so our relationship eventually broke down through a lack of trust.

I count myself lucky to have had the experiences I have had, but I don't want to go through a painful rewiring at the beginning of a relationship again, I am not sure I would be lucky enough to find another girl who was as patient as my ex. I also don't want to take viagra again, for me it took away some of the sentimentality away from the intimacy.

Hey man, I just want to say I am cured of PIED and if you go back and read my posts you can see how shitty it can be. I just want you to know it is 100% possible to fix and if you stay at it and stick through the flatline you WILL make it. Good luck.

Hi, NeverSurrender,

I will check out your journal and see if I can inspire myself. I'm having a hard day of it today. I couldn't sleep last night and threw up at 4am this morning. I've been feeling weird, angry, anxious, and stressed today and keep thinking about looking at porn and getting mental imagery all the time. This is a tough one.

[firebird]

Hi man,

I really enjoyed reading your journal.

I'm especially interested on you how you manage to handle your drinking as I'm kind of in the same situation. Even though I'm a little bit younger (23 at the moment) I'm drinking quite a lot, usually like 4 or 5 days a week, like half a bottle of whine in the evening. Sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. I might be an alcoholic, I don't know, but usually I never cared since it never really interfered with my life. I get my university, job and sports done without any problems, so I never really considered alcohol a significant problem... more like a little flaw, something like smoking. I wonder if there is a connection between PIED and drinking... I mean I have basically been drinking regularly my whole life, since I was 15 or something (Germany, nothing really unusual). And I remember that I was once able to perform even easier when I was drunk, so idk...

Anyways, keep it up - we can make it!

[BunnyBoy2015]

I really enjoyed reading your journal.

Thanks firebird, I'm glad you like it. It has been really useful for me so far, I'm sure I would have relapsed already by now without it.

As far as the drinking goes, I don't think it is a good thing, certainly not long term. At the moment it is easing the pain of no PMO, and is relaxing me at the end of each day. At the moment I am having between 4 and 6 beers a night, definitely too much, but I will taper that off soon.

Day 10

Today has been a tough one, I have constantly wanted to PMO, or MO but have stayed strong and I am amazed and proud that I've managed not too. I have had a mixture wild mood swings, brain fog, social anxiety, stress, anger, and frustration today. It hasn't been fun at all. Just having 2 beers tonight I think to calm me down and relax me after an unpleasant day and feeling blissful and happy now. Probably not a good sign that I need a drink to make me feel this way, but I'm glad it is right now.

[igetum]

Hi MountainSummit,
congrats for making it day ten and don't give in to the urge. I did it ten days and relapsed (MO). I came back and after searching found out why. It was my mind begging, and trying to argue me into giving it some dopamine. Though i gave in, I am prepared for such  a suprise if it comes again. Atleast now I know my mind will try to fight back and I can tell it off. Keep moving you are already making it.

[toreador]

... It was my mind begging, and trying to argue me into giving it some dopamine.

Important point from igetum, make sure you never ever engage in an argument with the addiction. If you do, sooner or later it will get you. Once you've started your reboot process there really is no need to enter into discussions with the addiction. When it comes up with some clever argument why you should do this or leave that or why rebooting as a whole can never work - just tell it to shut up.

Regards, Toreador

[BunnyBoy2015]

Day 11

Today has gratefully been easier than the day before. I'm not feeling such brain fog, anxiety or depression. I feel sort of dull, and there has been no desire to get an erection or PMO, but it has made it easier to stay on track.

It seems like I keep coming across journals where people are rebooting for a year and more and are still having problems, which is a little discouraging. I'm not sure what I would do if I found out it wasn't PIED, or that I couldn't cure it, this process had lifted such a weight from my mind when I first heard about it. I suppose I would just have to settle for using viagra. Lets hope PIED is the problem and that it is curable.

[BunnyBoy2015]

Day 12

I woke up several times with 50% to 80% hard ons this morning, and was feeling a desire to O. The hard ons felt sluggish however. It took me a long time to get going with some work I had to do after that, probably because I drank 8 beers the night before.

I eventually got all the work I needed to do done, and actually enjoyed the process. I have been feeling quite productive recently and have been enjoying things that I wouldn't normally.

I briefly searched images of Ariana Grande early and felt a dopamine hit. These were not pornographic images, but I still think it was a bad idea to do. I went out to do a food shop and caught friendly eye contact with a few girls. I felt an emotional attraction to them, if not sexual. Usually I wouldn't feel much for attractive girls I see out so I think this is a small sign of progress.

I've only got two beers left in the flat so I am going to drink these and then try to cut drink out of my life again. I don't think it is a good idea to substitute one addiction for another.

[seb89]

Thx for your reply on my journal! Feel I can really relate to your own story, considering your early age experiences and how you never was aware that porn could be the whole problem, until recently. But then again I think that goes for most of us. Today I also couldnt resist to look up some certain ig accounts and like you said, not a good idea. Just put my phone away the moment I realized the dopamine coming up.. good luck man,I'll keep track of your progress

[BunnyBoy2015]

good luck man,I'll keep track of your progress

Hi seb89,

Thanks, I made need it at some point! I'll try and keep a track of your progress too.

Day 13,

Lucky for some I hope! I had a spontaneous erection while laying in bed this morning. I hope that means progress. My balls have been aching all day, and I have felt more horny than I'm used to feeling, not that I think I could get an erection with a girl I liked anyway. Way too soon for that I am sure. Finding it hard not to go to the shop and get a few beers in. It just gives me a few hours of peace from fighting my subconscious urges at the end of each day, it's so tiring otherwise!

[BunnyBoy2015]

Day 14

I MO'd for the first time in two weeks. I was feeling like it was going to happen with or without P so I did it without. I feel a bit disappointed in myself. I was constantly trying to get a dopamine hit from other sources, but couldn't get the kick I needed, and so I turned to MO. I have felt a brain fog descend on me since, and I am not functioning in the way I would like; very quiet and thoughtful.

I also failed to say away from drink, I got a few beers in last night and again tonight. I may need to sit down and reassess how this is all going.

[toreador]

I also failed to say away from drink, I got a few beers in last night and again tonight. I may need to sit down and reassess how this is all going.

Hi MountainSummit,

if you really fell like you have trouble controlling your drinking, I suppose you better give some thought to the issue. Outside help may be required. Drinking can quickly become a very slippery slope. And apart from its addictive power there can be no doubt about one thing: Alcohol will always affect your ability for self-control. It will cloud your judgement and make you forget your good intentions. Even one pint of beer will limit your will power and make it harder to stay away from PMO. Stay strong. Toreador

[BunnyBoy2015]

Day 17

I haven't been on here as much recently, I guess I haven't felt like there has been much to say as I've been in a flatline since I MO'd. I have been getting fairly regular morning wood, for a few minutes each morning, but apart from that it feels slightly withdrawn and I have not felt much interest in sex or P. It has made it easier to get through the last few days but it is disheartening, and I feel like I want to PMO or MO just to check that I am fully functioning and to ease my ego.

I have completely stopped online dating as I don't think I could follow through and it has left a bit of a hole in my life. Emotionally and mentally I am ready for a relationship, but my PIED is holding me back. It's hard because I work from home a lot and I live in a one bed flat by myself so I spend a lot of time on my own. Some good company would really lift my spirits.

[Ghostly]

Hey man,


           You sound a lot like me when I started..only difference is I'm 24. I just wondered why could I never find nothing about PIED on Google or from doctors?? Crazy but I'm glad I did.. Wish I would have found it years before but hey oh well.. I'm almost to day 120, and I fapped once (DO NOT recommend) and had sex once through these 120 days. Haven't really had a good test to see if I'm cured yet or not but I advise doing as I've done which is keep your time plenty occupied. I have picked up overtime at work, running, lifting weights, going out socializing on weekends, cleaning and reading like never before. I also got a book called "The Layguide" by a guy named Tony Clink or something like that. You should check it out...plenty of very valid and helpful tips and it's amusing at times..I find it to be a real confidence booster man. good luck on your journey and stay strong bro!