Author Topic: get it of my chest  (Read 2209 times)

double trouble

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get it of my chest
« on: June 10, 2015, 09:54:56 AM »
Hello all,
I have been reading here on your brain on porn for several weeks.
Now i am participating because the weight is getting to heavy for me with no one to talk to.
I am  a widow for 6 years now,and i am going to be 54 end of this month.
My natural language is'nt english, so i am struggling a bit with my words, hope you understand me anyway.
I chose the name double trouble, because my late husband was also a porn addict and now i have a boyfriend for 4 years,
and i have to go through the same thing again.  He is 57 by the way.

Here is the thing i am struggling with this moment:
I had a long talk with my bf about a half year ago, about his porn use, explained to him how hurtfull and denigrating it is for me. He also knows about the history of my deceased husband and his porn use and how that hurts me, and took my selfasteem away
He promised to quit, told me he thought it would be like quit smoking, and he would just stop. ( my bf did)

After the talk he got sick for about half a year, and so our attention went to that.
did'nt talked about it anymore, and i thought he got the picture about the porn.
But about half of may we had sex, and i found it rather porn like.
Don't know why i had these thoughts now, for our rare sex life has always been, he finishing his self.
In the whole four years he managed to cum inside me once. Also he is going limp during sex.
I think i know much more about it now i have read so much here on ybop. How could i be so wrong and underestimating the porn thing?

Anyway, he had to go away for work, and i checked his computer ( we don't live together)
I was there in his house for a few days. What i discovered was he did watcht porn again.
To see by the dates he never stopped. I was in shock of wat i was founding out later on my own computer, that it was about camsex and a sexdating site. WTF!!?? Porn okay but this is real interaction with woman!

a few days after sex i felt a burn in my vagina the whole time, had pain in my lower belly and as i got home looked it up on internet and what could be most likely was herpes?? Also at the same time he had a sore throat, on the internet it was said that a throat infection is one of the most frequent side effect of herpes.

I have seen it here before that men, when they are far gone also can act out. I only have such a hard time to belief he really would do this?

I know i have to confront him, was'nt it that we are going on vacation in a week. So i am holding it in from mid may.
My sister is going with us and i don't wan't to ruin our holiday for all of us.
It is so hard and heavy to keep it for me, and my fun for the holiday is been down the drain since then.
It is a untenable situation for me, knowing he is home alone, looking at porn, having webcam sex and masturbate. ( To me he would never send a naughty message or something)  And i can't  say anything about it, for the sake of our holiday.

So here i am, turning to you all, for helping me through this
For the men out here, do you think he had really been with another woman, or did i just had a bladder infection?
And am i going crazy about this or am i in denial?

Don't know if i can react to your responses the upcoming weeks because of our vacation, and i don't wan't him to know about this yet.
After my holiday i will respond and hope i have a update about this all. In the mean time i will read you all

It was already very helpfull to read all of your storys and make me understand more about things

Greets Double Trouble

double trouble

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Re: get it of my chest
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2015, 10:33:58 AM »
O and i forgot to mention this, but i don't wan't to have sex with him right now.
I won't be some kind of blow up doll where he can live his fantasy's on.
No idea how i am going to manage that  :-\ ;)

J

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Re: get it of my chest
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2015, 01:13:33 AM »
Welcome double trouble and thank for opening up here.

I myself was troubled by what I read. I want to be as respectful of your feelings here as this is a tough situation, but I believe you are here because you are crying for help. With this may be some harsh realities you will need to face.

The truth is, those of us that are here that have talked about our porn addiction is because we want to stop and also we have a serious desire for healing. It's a choice we have made, that I have made because I know what it has done to my life and what it is costing me.

On this note, please don't take this wrong, but truth is that unless your boyfriend really wants to reform and stop, there is nothing you can do that will stop it. He has to want it and understand what the cost will be.

The second part is you need to think about your happiness and own personal healing. Many men and even women who view porn and become addicted begin to have a warped sense of what love is and unfortunately it shows in our interaction with others, which seems to be what is happening with your own relationship.

I agree that you should be supportive if and always he has made a conscience decision to stop and needs that support. As it is, it's hard for us to open up because of that fear of being rejected and, for me, feeling of shame, but it doesn't sound like your relationship is a healthy one.

You need to think very seriously about where your future with your boyfriend is going. I know this can be hard specially when you love someone, but you need to be honest with yourself and him as well. If you love yourself and him, you will need to tell him that this is seriously affecting your relationship.  Now realistically, you cannot change him, he has to want it. If he is not willing to change then again you will need to be honest and follow through with whatever conditions you have. By this I mean, if you have told him how porn use makes you feel and that it is important to your relationship that porn is not part of it and he is still not willing to stop, then my dear, you may need to walk away from this relationship.

I have the feeling you know this deep down inside. There is a line, and many of us that have this problem we are seeking the help we need and become accountable to each other because we don't want this to affect us anymore and/or affect the people we love. If he is not of this mentality, then truthfully, as much as it hurts, again I say you may need to walk away.

I would also strongly urge you to go see a doctor and let him or her determine if you have contracted herpes. I really hope for the best and I am sorry if this may be a harsh reality. This is just my opinion based on my own experience as an addict and also as someone who has had to deal with an alcoholic. As it is drug use and porn addiction brains are very similar.

I am happy you have confided in this forum and I am sure others here will offer much needed perspective. This is a safe haven and whatever you need please continue to let us know.



double trouble

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Re: get it of my chest
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2015, 04:51:30 PM »
hi J,

Thank you for replying to me. I hope this is going to be a save haven for me.
On the other hand i am hoping my bf eventualy wil sign up here also.
Hope he does not discover who i am here, cause then i don't think i could be as open about my feelings

About him having to wan't himself to change, i get that. Have read a lot here and on posarc
( also a recommendation for partners of sex addicts)
What my plan is, is that when we come home i immediately, wan't to talk with him
And i am gonna set some boundries ( how the hell do you spell that?) grinzz sorry.
i am better in talking then wrighting english
Anyway....if i am going to continue with him , and that depents on what kind of answers he is gonna give me about whether he had or not had sex with another woman or maybe more than one. But suppose he has not, or suppose i can deal with the fact and i go through with him, i wan't total transparancy from him. I wan't k9 or something on all of his devices.
Most of all for my reassurance, and of what i have read, and he want's to heal also for the better of him
I wanna go through every harddrive, sticky and so on, his bills you name it
If he will not, and of game. Then its over.
I have allready been fuckt up by my late husband ( i realize that only now, not back then) and i am sure as hell i don't let that happen to me again.

Thing is, i am not so sure if he really want's to stop this. My geuss is' that he is going to be mad, pack his bag and leave.
But then again so be it. I am selfsuporting, so who needs an asshole?
No that's me being angry, of course i love him and he is a sweetheart, and we get along well. He is good with my 2 girls and i am with his daughter.
So that will be the hard part to leave him, but i will if he is not commited to change or he choses porn over me

You see i am onaware at this moment what is going to happen and where this is going to lead.
If i have the talk with him i will ask him if i can show him some films from ybop, the tedx en from uuuuh don't know his name.
I don't even think that he has any idea of what is going on with him. Hopefully he will see the light after these films?
I also know that i have to be supportive and all that kind of thing. But i am so mad at him and so tired of doing this fake
tweedelydoo tweedelyda thing and acting as if nothing is going on. I rather strangle him right now.
But okay, i am going to do this and hold on for just a few couple of weeks

And i am going to do a std test after my vacation. That also makes me so mad. It will cost me a small fortune to do that
and it is'nt even my fault

Thank you again for reading my story and for thinking with me, i needed that

J

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Re: get it of my chest
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2015, 12:09:27 AM »
It's ok to be angry, it's healthy to express those emotions and not let it bottled in. On that note, thanks for reading on my journal as well. Every idea that can help is always welcomed.

I did not realize you have kids. And I know this must be a painful time for you and you have been through a lot. I don't know of any relationship that can work without communication but you know exactly what you want and it is necessary that you let him know what you will allow and what you won't. It's true he might get upset, but I do believe in the power that comes with real love and if he does love you he will listen and hopefully open up.

You need to do what is best for your sanity and quality of life. Keep us posted, yes this a safe haven and I hope for the best with your BF, but it sounds like you have prepared yourself mentally for the worse as well. Do what you need to do.  :D :D