Get UP...and DO, not TRY it one last time!

[Dreieck]

Long story (short?!):

First contact:
I don´t know when i startet fapping must be around 12-13, blew me away at that time.
As long as i remember i used visual content to get off. (underwear catalogues, softcore magazines).
During the filesharing boom i realised i could download porn (yeeeaah this pic only takes 2 hours to finish downloading) and with faster connections there came more content
I startet to collect my favourite porn and over the years i collectet a few gigs in my hd
Didn´t thought at all that it could influence me and my ability to have sex.
Also didn´t thought about doing anything against that

First real contact:
It took a long time for my first sexual contact with a real girl, i was around 17
and with 18 got in a nice relationship which lastet for almost 7 years (baaaam i know )
we had the possibility to live together in a flat so we did.
During this relationship i had times, when i start to wonder why i still need porn, if i got a girlfriend.
And i also realised that it affects me, there were times when i deleted (all) my porn and didn´t masturbate,
but there were also times when i started to collect porn and fapped again.

But all in all it changed the way i interacted with my girlfriend in bed, now a few years after i realise that, but at that time i didn´t
After these years i would also say that my claiming for an sex and an intimite relationship and the "right" to have sex with my partner also affected my relationship
and i would say i was abusive in my behaviour to touch her intimate areas (it´s hard to think about that now and realise what i did...)

The Change:
The relationship broke and i was completely puzzled with my life and my path. I also questioned my ability to connect with real human. After a depressive time i got into "men women dynamics", Connecting with people and with myself. I discovered the Authentic Man Program (http://authenticmanprogram.com/) and learned how to connect with me and especially girls.
Their material is very good and if you look around in the web you can find a lot of material.
At that time i realised that PMO drops my energy level and affects the days after i did it. But i still wasn´t able to let it go

The time after:
Then came a few relationships and i realised that i can connect and interect on a level like never before, there were times when i had more relationships at a time and it worked good, even though i realise now that the level of deepness wasn´t as good as i could have been.
I learned about the concept of consent/gender/patriarchy and i am still learning, cause my abusive behaiour is still present in relationships that last longer (half a year)

During that time i had "no fap" times couse i realised its no good.
But in times of the easy and fast avaiablity of porn and the "need" of a computer for work and stay connected it´s not always that easy ti not think about PMOs.

The time till now:
I´m now in a relationship with a girl, who understands me very well and helps me to stay open and myself. And i also can stay present when i´m with her and we talk about everything.
And i realised that i can´t stay open all the time when i have sex with here, i can´t feel as much as i used to and i realise that my "porn" needs affect my sex needs, when it comes to kinks and fetish. She knows about my struggle and my past and supports me

And I decided to learn more about the topic and myself and found you guys and girls.

So what now?

Did I use porn today?
nope, two days ago was the last time

What were my triggers?
boredome, thrills, sexual content on the web

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
music, games, dancing

What am I grateful for today?
That i finally was able to register here and write my story

What am i looking forward to?
I would love to have an Accountability Partner here, couse i think together it is easier to get through all this

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END of my official Post, and now things i realised when i wrote replies
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Numbness
I experience Numbness comes when i don´t feel myself or the partner that i´m with, but i found out that the more i keep on being in the moment and aware of myself and the partner i´m with, the more i "feel" and i mean it´s not per se a physical arrousal, it´s more the effect of being there and feeling me and the person that i´m with.

what i´m asking myself when i feel "numb" or experience ED during sex:

"Where are my thoughts going right now?"
"Do I enjoy this position right now? What do i really want right now?"
"Is my partner with me, or am i an objectified, or used?"
"Breathe in and out, and come to yourself"

The questions may interfere with the actions and cause you to stop and talk to yourself or your partner? that´s not always easy, but i found out for me, that the only way to  remove such a barriere is to talk about it with others, and share what you are feeling. And most of the times your partner will experience the same and/or realises that you don´t feel comfy...
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[noises1990]

Welcome bro and good luck on your path! It will be a troublesome journey sometimes, but you gotta stay focused on your goals to achieve the best results!

[Dreieck]

thanks, i think its a good tool to have some people i can talk/post to when i feel a need and discuss things.

[Taka]

Hi man, I do not know if I would be a good accountability partner but you cand send me a message if you feel you need to discuss something.

[Dreieck]

Hey Taka,
cool to know, why do you think you might not be a accountability partner, if it came to your mind? do also like support from my side?

[Dreieck]

so, the last days were exhausting but good, after days of spending time on the computer writing my thesis, there came days were i was out with a friend and we were building our sphere (geodesic dome) for a festival. it was very exhausting, but good, people and i were enjoying it.

so there was no time thinking about p, but today i´m back on track and i have to focus on my work today and i feel that i need some kind of reward or appreciation. and when i´m sitting here on the computer thoughts come to my mind...but then i think about the fact that it´s not good at all for me and that i´m kinda stupid to think that pmo would help me in any way..

so my qeustion to you guys is:

What do you do when you realise you need something but don´t know what it is?

[Taka]

Hey srry. I did not see your message you posted on 7th. I sometimes tend to give bad advice to people.. Anyway good to hear you are still holding up. You made it past 7 days. I have relapsed two times and binged. It feels good at first but you find out very soon that it does not give you real satisfaction and pleasure. That always set me back on track and now my third time I am full aware of it and not planning to fail...Try to hold it, pursue your goal day by day. The more time on your reboot clock the easier is to control your body and your mind. Keeping your mind and body occupied is of course one of the best methods how to kill your sudden urges to relapse. If you feel such urges, throw away your laptop, your tablet, your phone or wathever device did you use to watch porn and calm down.

[Dreieck]

it´s not always that easy to keep off the computer, and as i said, i writing a thesis, which has to be finished in like 3 weeks, so i have to say i need the pc, what i don´t always need is the browser and i try to keep it closed as long as possible or just use it to look something up...

i know that feeling:

I have relapsed two times and binged. It feels good at first but you find out very soon that it does not give you real satisfaction and pleasure.

it´s just good for a short time but not in long term.

for me there is still the question of: "what´s down there that needs something?"

[MioMio]

for me there is still the question of: "what´s down there that needs something?"

Stop worrying about it and keep working on yourself. Step by step, you'll come to realize what's hiding inside of you. You understand this guy's point very soon:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKVmpJaMffM

I can very much relate to your situation. Two weeks ago I noticed that there's more to my booze&porn problem. What helped me was Qi Gong (energy exercise) and trying to tone down my daily life stye and ego. Amazingly enough, when I cared least about myself, I learned most.

[MioMio]

for me there is still the question of: "what´s down there that needs something?"

Stop worrying about it and keep working on yourself. Step by step, you'll come to realize what's hiding inside of you. Perhaps, you'll understand this guy's point very soon:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKVmpJaMffM

I can very much relate to your situation. Two weeks ago I noticed that there's more to my booze&porn problem. What helped me was Qi Gong (energy exercise) and trying to tone down my daily life stye and ego. Amazingly enough, when I cared least about myself, I learned most.

[Taka]

I am also writing a thesis but I did found an environment where I am not alone for extended periods of time...I know it is not for everybody, you may lack concentration outside of your room but you can try.

[Dreieck]

when it´s all about writing just text that´s good, but i´m doing calculations and stuff and therefore the 24" screen and mouse and keyboard are needed...allready thought about this :/
But i see that interacting here with people helps me a lot...

[Dreieck]

Today is kinda hard, on the one side there´s some stress because of my thesis and on the other side is my kinky mind which tells it would be kinda nice to pmo...and my oversexualised feeling at the moment makes it really not that easy, but i´m here to tell myself that i can do this and that in the end, every sexual interaction that i´ll have with a partner ist going to be way more fun.

and it´s also not that easy to admit that i really got an addiction, which is not something that is easy to handle...

but i don´t wanna start again...i wanna get through this

[newguyneedschange]

Man I am so happy to hear the numbness with a partner isn't just me, I'm sorry you experience it to though. This stuff can really mess with you and cause all sorts of brain reactions, keep strong and just remember that a reboot hurts.

[Dreieck]

the numbness isn´t that hard anymore, for me right now it´s just a sign that i´m not present and i have to shift or i have to talk to my partner at this moment. and if i do that it changes, could be  within a few minutes

[Dreieck]

it´s been a while and i want to update my journal a bit

still no (pm)o to this point which makes me quite happy, i feel more to myself, but also if it´s something missing.
like a week ago i browsed some prn, and touched myself a little and i was enjoying it and it felt right, just a little guilt and the also feeling that it´s okay to do this

the after effects were interesting, i saw my gf later that day and was super horny (also because of the images from that day) and we started making out and i could feel and see that the consume of prn has numbed my feelings and i needed stronger emotions/kinks to get off and also experience a little ED to the end.

for me this was a good experience to see how just one session fucks up like two weeks of keeping my shit together. i was also thinking of reseting my counter but i decided not to do it, because my first 30 days are an experiment and with the gained information i wanted to start the next period in which i want to focus even more on my path.

yeah thats it up to now...
hope you´re doin well guys (and girls)

[Taka]

Well there are weak moments Dreieck for all of us. Good that it was not a full blown relapse and you learned something from that. Hope your brain will not remember the "positive" feelings towards your girlfriend and does not connect it with addictition. As you did see for yourself just a little bit of porn and those pleasure pathways from PMO in your brain lights up like a christmas tree.

[Dreieck]

jepp they shure do light up :/
What do you mean with remember the positive feelings?

[Taka]

Well I meant this

the after effects were interesting, i saw my gf later that day and was super horny (also because of the images from that day) and we started making out and i could feel and see that the consume of prn has numbed my feelings and i needed stronger emotions/kinks to get off and also experience a little ED to the end.

But now i see, I might have misread it.

[Dreieck]

Boah boah, back on this fucking pc working on my thesis, the last days it´s very hard for me not to relapse, but i´m keeping up to it...

started working out again to clear my mind and it helps a little...
also the p blocker helps but sometimes pics are lurking somewhere on my journey on the web

i try to minimize my use of internet but it´s not that easy... yeah 5 days to go then it´s time for the next step, i´m glad i´m still on track

[Dreieck]

yeah long time since i´ve updated my journal.

and i reached my first goal: 30 days, wohoo

i must say the first days and the last days were the hardest ones
the first ones because i still was in my routine.
and the last days because i had to use my computer and was tempted to relapse...

inbetween there were days were i looked at p or did m but all without the relief of an o, i also thought about resetting my counter but i didn´t, because i was still learning how to handle me and my stuff.

the effects on me and my life, hmmm i´m gonna say that right now i don´t feel that drawn to p, i feel myself more and i realised that my pmo was and still is a routine, when i´m borded and i run away from something.
in my relationship i enjoy sex more intense than before, i also got more power and endurance, but there are also days were theres a slight ed, but only after a longer time having sex or when my partner doesn´t want anymore, so i´ts kind of my body feels when i or my partner disconnects from the interaction.

so whats next, i set my counter to 90 days and keeping my days without pmo to this point, but in the end it means doubeling my first goal.
thanks guys for your support and the sharing of you stories and advices they really helped me

[Dreieck]

It´s been a long time and i did kinda well, but coming to the end i relapsed a few times, but not all pmos felt bad i have to say, for me getting to the point where i´m right now feels good.

still hard for me is it when i´m alone, stressed and i have to work on the pc. that´s when i want to escape of my situation by looking at p or touching myself...

i have no idea how to overcome that, but i´m positive today i wand to start a new chapter.

next counter 60 Days no PMO streight on

[Taka]

It is hard man. I have gave up the hardcore mode because I have got a good streaks of no PMO before and I think my brain knows it is almost okay. What I am working on right know is to keep MO and P separated. When I thought I was "healed" I have started to enjoy MO from time to time but it was so strongly connected to P in my brain that I relapsed eventually. So now, when I am stressed, bored, lonely and it feels too much to handle I get away from the computer to MO. It is not a good habit to MO when stressed either but at least it is without porn.

[Vincent]

Hoi Dreieck,

concering the Internet and Porn thing: ever tried a porn blocker like open DNS or K9? Might help on this regard. I am writing a thesis myself and blocking the pornsites really works well!

just as a tip.

[Dreieck]

thanks for your words,  pornblockers work, but when you pass them "just" for a view...it´s almost over.
the idea of separating those two (MO P) might be a good thing. but for now i try to recannel my stress and find more things that bring me into my body (sports, or other kind of exhaustement)

will keep you updatet form time to time

@vincent yeah thesis and stress and working on computer is hard from time to time