Author Topic: Road to recovery - a winning path?  (Read 13989 times)

Taka

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Road to recovery - a winning path?
« on: May 04, 2014, 07:07:19 PM »
I have already started a journal on yourbrainrebalanced but I have decided to start one here too. If you want to read this this in full lenght, read it there under same nick there. Now a little bit about myself. I am 25 yo introverted guy who just recently found out about his porn addiction. My problem to begin with was DE because lack of sensitivity. I wish I have found support sites like yourbrainonporn earlier because my addiction have probably cost me a lot of my relationships. But luckily ED did not fully developed.

I was suspicious that something was wrong with porn even before I had my first sexual encounter. I have been PMOing since about I was 12. I had several crushes on girls when I was young but I never really did feel desire to connect with a girl on personal level then. It was time to put myself out there when all of my friends who did not have girlfriends in their teens started dating and I just felt stupid. I got my first girlfriend when I was about 21 and I just felt porn is wrong. It felt like I was cheating on her. That did not get me to stop back then because my addiction was stronger. She eventualy found somebody else and I was seriously heart broken. Year after that I have found another girl and lost my virginity to her. It was not ideal since I could get it hard but was never able to O even after intense stimulation from minutes to hours. With next girl I was with I did O but only once a day after intense stimulation for several minutes and again I felt nothing during PVI - not even my erection. My friend back then gave me advice that laying off porn will help and it truly did. But when I was not with that girl I was a lust ball and did M like crazy.

I was researching back then why it was happening to me since I was able to finish during PMO but I did not come across yourbrainonporn (I am not sure if the site was fully operational back then). Since the start of my journey 3 or 4 month ago I have relapsed a few times. Last relapse was due to massive stress from school. I did not get pleasure from P anymore and my longest streak before that (40 days) convinced me to try again. During those 40 days girls were checking me out and complete strangers (boys and girls) were approaching me in the clubs and at the parties which literally never happened before. Generally I was calm, more balanced, focused, etc. Also old memories which I have got no idea of having started oppping up out of the blue. I also have got a random hookup on day 30 and I was almost able to climax from oral stimulation which never happened and was able to O with condom on. And it was the best sexual experience of my life. But the morning after I had DE again so I was not completely prepared. Week after that I did MO which lead to that vicious circle of PMO.

So now I am going hardcore mode and my previous experiences with rebooting make it lot more easier. I can tell to everybody out there do not be depressed if you relapse or edge. Just keep on going because your progress is not entirely lost if you do that. Be strong brothers. I have lost some of my best years to this addiction - Do not make the same mistake. I have decided to end it now when it is not too late!
« Last Edit: December 07, 2014, 03:59:17 PM by Taka »

jstatca

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2014, 08:31:56 PM »
Thanks for sharing. What does DE mean?

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2014, 04:57:45 AM »
Hey. DE is delayed ejaculation. Basically you cannot orgasm at all from real life sexual stimulation or after time that does not seem to be quite normal (I would say 30 minutes and up). This usually happens because you do not feel the sensation of having sex - your penis and brain is numb. You also cannot cum two times in a row after some rest even though you can from porn. The ability to cum multiple times usually decrease by age anyway but excesive PMO certainly does not help....All the basic lingo is to be found here: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=21.0
On the issue of penis numbness I would also suggest to search for the term death grip syndrome. But it is basically a combination of excessive masturbation the way you are used to and the brain desensitization from watching porn so the response for that is reboot.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2014, 05:02:56 AM by Taka »

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2014, 10:00:05 AM »
I also got some notes about urges that popped out previous times I have tried to reboot. Sometimes I did not feel desire to PMO by I did feel serious effects of blue balls. Even my dick did hurt. Do not relapse because of this. It will balance out itself. My mood was also sometimes really down and my brain was recalling very vividly some of my favorite scenes, even those when i started to PMO almost 13 years ago. That was crazy.

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2014, 03:38:08 PM »
So here is the thing. We have 2 flats. In our other flat, we have a desktop computer and I kind of have trouble going there and completely deleting every last bit (pun intended) of porn. It contains my most favorite stuff before the internet streaming era of my addiction. Simple advice is deleting it without hesitation. I am having a really hard time to let that perfect collection go althought I have not seen it in last year ot two. It is my last connection to this bad habit.

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2014, 04:30:54 PM »
Another thing I have remembered. What actually stopped me of finding yourbrainonporn and stuff was that my girlfriends discouraged me from searching info on my problem. They were saying to me that it is OK and I am thinking about it too much and it is probably because of performance anxiety or they thought the mistake is in them. Now I know that it is not entirely true.
Another issue for me was that one of my girlfriends actually encouraged me to watch porn when I was not with her. I wish everybody know about the consequences and the destructive power of PMO.

therewillbehope

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2014, 04:47:11 PM »
Oh my god I hear you! For a long time I thought I'm just thinking too much instead of enjoying sex. And it's true I couldn't stop thinking about getting it up, especially when I was about to have sex my first thought automatically was "what if you don't get an erection again?"
My real problem was that I was completely desensitized, like women didn't turn me on anymore, I had like no libido since I masturbated every day, sometimes to porn.

It's very helpful to hear similar stories, wish you all the best man

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2014, 05:38:37 PM »
Exactly. For the first few times I have got a good looking girl in front of me, nice breasts and everything but I just could not "dive" into the moment and enjoy the pleasure of somebody else touching me. I just did not feel it in my mind and on my body. Before we got naked and we were just kissing and I was fantasizing about how it is going to be (like in porn) and I was hard but the moment we got it going my libido went down because the anticipations were just too high on my side. I found myself copying behaviour from the screen instead of enjoying myself and the feeling. And the fantasizing also happened with other girls after that (even though I was fantasizing about them) but the real deal was just not good enough.

Also thank you for your reaction. Feels good that somebody actually read this and gives me feedback.
« Last Edit: May 06, 2014, 05:47:47 PM by Taka »

therewillbehope

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2014, 12:32:15 AM »
you're welcome, now let's keep doing this until we all easily get bone breaking hard erections! Lol

Rebooter007

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2014, 03:23:00 AM »
Exactly. For the first few times I have got a good looking girl in front of me, nice breasts and everything but I just could not "dive" into the moment and enjoy the pleasure of somebody else touching me. I just did not feel it in my mind and on my body. Before we got naked and we were just kissing and I was fantasizing about how it is going to be (like in porn) and I was hard but the moment we got it going my libido went down because the anticipations were just too high on my side. I found myself copying behaviour from the screen instead of enjoying myself and the feeling. And the fantasizing also happened with other girls after that (even though I was fantasizing about them) but the real deal was just not good enough.

Also thank you for your reaction. Feels good that somebody actually read this and gives me feedback.

totally feel your pain friend, I went through the same thing & I acted the same way. I was with my girlfriend @ my place.  We were just in foreplay & I would fantasize & get hard, but the second we were about to get into it I went limp, I couldn't get it hard enough to put it in . She thought it was her fault, asked me whether I liked her or not & I did, but just couldn't do it yet when in front of a screen I was @ perfect & hard attention . I didn't know what was wrong with me then. & used viagra to help me out, but that backfired coz I was rock hard but had to strain to keep it that way & would O too soon. & I did find myself copying what I'd seen in P. I thought if I did it like a porn star she'd enjoy it more.

now I'm on full reboot mode to beat it & experience a natural healthy sex life. stay strong bro!

sorry the previous quote I accidentally clicked post. lol

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #10 on: May 07, 2014, 05:14:14 AM »
Well I think my flatline period might be over. Now I will be getting serious blueballs. I am already kind of starting to feel horny or maybe it is just the slight warmth of the notebook in my lap :D Do not know but have to keep my hand off my dick :D No seriously keep your hands of it you little pervert :D

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #11 on: May 07, 2014, 11:40:59 AM »
A little insight. During my previous reboot streak I had this thing for some time when instead of appreciating girls more I actually did not find them appealing at all. I mean it was not a loss of libido because I was a little horny. Instead even the hottest girls seemed ugly and uninteresting to me. Did that happen to any of you?

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #12 on: May 08, 2014, 06:23:30 AM »
Wow guys trigger alerts - do not give names of particular fetishes in your posts unless you write a warning. One of the posts triggered my imagination today and I have been totally clean of any thoughts about porn for 3 weeks.

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2014, 11:37:44 AM »
Ok, so today I was so horny that I posted on dating site where I did find sex partner once. Do not know if it is a good idea or not :D But I hope I can overcome this with my mind alone.

noises1990

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2014, 02:07:42 PM »
Just be careful man... Might be just one of those days when you're all urges and the next day POW flatline, libido=0. Don't get discouraged if this happens and also don't get too over-excited! Stay confident and stay strong brother!

CrazyGopher

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #15 on: May 10, 2014, 07:27:12 AM »
Wow guys trigger alerts - do not give names of particular fetishes in your posts unless you write a warning. One of the posts triggered my imagination today and I have been totally clean of any thoughts about porn for 3 weeks.

Sorry to hear that happened to you. I have been there, too.  :'(

I found it's usually the new journals and guys at day 0 that post triggering things, so you might find it helpful to avoid those as you make progress in your reboot.

Good luck  ;D

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #16 on: May 10, 2014, 11:56:18 AM »
I guess you are right CrazyGopher. It is hard to share your story and how the problem surfaced in your first post without being concrete. It helps a lot to tell it all and in details.

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #17 on: May 13, 2014, 05:16:16 PM »
Well, still feeling like I won´t budge anymore. Feeling good and strong even when the whole world is crumbling on me right now. Not planning on PMO session while under stress (possibly my worst trigger). I am actually coping with stress even better than before.

I am also gaining some weight through excercising - still quite skinny but I weight more than ever in my life. Worked long time on this but my weight kind of stopped growing at some point. Now when I am rebooting I have started to gain again and I feel I am still far from my physical peak (before when my energy got sucked by PMO I was not sure about it). Very happy about that because I have been always very athletic but skinny so I hope that will work well with the ladies during summer. I am like 194 cm (6 foot 4 inches) and have got about 73kg (161 pounds) when I was 21 and stopped growing. Later I picked it up to 77 kg (169 pounds) and then I just stopped gaining (then I lost some weight again due to illness). Now I am 25 and I have 80 kg (176 pounds) after I have stopped jerking it to P. I know it is not alright to be obsessed with ones body image. I never personally perceived myself as being skinny but it is kinda a big deal for me since I have got picked on for it all my life (most of it was probably because other might envy my natural ability to be slim). I admit I was really skinny (although my BMI index was in norm) and I have more energy now when I weight more and have quitted PMO. So yeah let´s all keep getting stronger - body and mind.
Well this post got sideways quickly. Not even sure why I am telling you about my weight but I guess it is in case there are guys concered by it as well.
« Last Edit: May 13, 2014, 05:18:07 PM by Taka »

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #18 on: May 16, 2014, 06:17:17 AM »
Interesting thing. I have spent most of my night dreaming about me relapsing. It was the usual, like I have relapsed once so I can watch few more times since it does not matter now before I start my next reboot attempt. It was so real that I am glad it did not happen. Anybody dreamt about this sh*t as well? :)

noises1990

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #19 on: May 16, 2014, 03:44:45 PM »
Hahahaha xD Guess it's good that I don't remember sh*t from my dreams xD Well at least not yet! Keep goin at it champ!

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #20 on: May 17, 2014, 04:17:44 PM »
Well I am past 30 days. I have read somewhere on a site for alcohol addiction that dreams about relapses are quite common. They are arguing whether it suggest positive change during reboot or just announces another stage in recovery process. Anyway I think it might be just another milestone in my reboot. Just hope similar dreams will not occur more because the feeling after waking up is not nice. The relief on the other hand that it did not happen is great. I am looking forward to another 30 days without PMO :)

Mr25

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #21 on: May 17, 2014, 06:54:32 PM »
Just finished my first day!

@Taka how are you feeling after 30 days?

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #22 on: May 17, 2014, 07:41:48 PM »
David25, good that you have started your change. Right now I am feeling pretty good. It starts to feel liberating when there is not this huge part of your life that is not sucking your time and energy. But hey the reboot process got its high and lows. I think I am coping well with this because it is my third try but not all progress from previous attempts have been lost and my brain is much more balanced now. I cannot tell for sure how am I doing because I have got my finals at university from next week till mid-june so I have got other things occupying my mind. That actually helps a lot to keep your mind busy. Other than this I can tell that something called the "brain fog" is gone. I also do not give a shit about most things that did get to me in the past (not sure if it is a good thing). For unknown reasons the past few days I am sleepy as fuck (seriously I sleep through most of my day). Well I will keep you posted on the benefits but I kind of can´t recognize them on a full scale since I am not very social lately because of school and I got a lot of work. Can only tell you that during my last longest streak (40 days) I became a lot more social or better, people wanted to get social with me - you know like strangers in the club or bar started to talk to me and we had a good time. I have better skin now. My conversation skills are better. I guess almost all of the other benefits people are talking about in their reboot accounts are working for me. Just do not know if the important part, my DE, is cured or not since I do not have a girlfriend for the time being.
Anyway, keep up at it David! It is definitely worth it and it opens up a path for your self-perfection.

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #23 on: May 18, 2014, 06:53:26 PM »
I have also noticed an interesting thing. When talking to other people I am using much more hand gestures. I am kind of introverted guy (or maybe extrovert trapped in an introvert due to porn addiction?) but compared to hand gesticulation I am used to, I am now using hand gestures like an Italian :) Some of my friends have noticed it anyway.

Taka

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Re: Road to recovery
« Reply #24 on: May 23, 2014, 08:26:25 AM »
Well almost 40 days here. No desire to PMO at all. I was wondering the other day that I am getting used to this no M or O too much :D Hope I will not spend rest of my living days like a monk. :D