Author Topic: J- breaking painful silence  (Read 18475 times)

J

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great progress
« Reply #25 on: May 30, 2015, 11:33:01 PM »
Am lucid. Experiencing a very clear mind. Have basically lost count of the day, which is probably a good thing. I managed to find a resource called Christian Women and Porn, which is the story of Shelley Hitz and her own struggle with porn addiction. It's meant for everyone and she and her husband share an interesting story of their personal struggles.

I understand that right now I am experiencing much liberation from addiction. Ever since I saw the lecture of ex porn star Shelley Ludden and her story of what the industry really is, I just felt sick about it. It has made it easier not to think about it at all. I am doing great! :D

I also know that I have to continue to keep myself accountable as I learn to deal with the REAL issues that have led me to porn. I am also dealing with over eating, which as a result of the self loathing that comes with porn has managed to take control. So I am working on this and am reading up on it.

I can't thank everyone here enough for being my support. I am realizing more and more how important it is to share our stories in hopes to not only receive healing but also to help others. I realize that sex education is important, but also, talking to your children and other people about what is a healthy love life and the affects porn has.

I am planning to opening up soon to a friend of mine. I admit, as scary as it sounds, I believe she will not only be receptive but also supportive. I am seeking also to further enforce my determination  to be part of a support group. One that meets my needs to continue to bring to ligh any issues that are triggers and get my life back on track.

Above all, I thank my lord Jesus, for leading me to a safe place here without judgement, and much love. I will continue to update on my progress and offer moral support to others here.  ;)



J

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30 day Mark!
« Reply #26 on: June 02, 2015, 02:23:49 AM »
I didn't realized I had made the 30 day Mark!  Congratulations to everyone who have hit the half way goal and just everyone making another day no matter where they are on their goal. Great job everyone!

I wanted to post today, thanks to my pal Mayane for reminding me. And everyone else who has shown me support. Today was fantastic. I got together with my writing partner to work on a pitch for a meeting we are praying we get. The day started at 7:30 am and we worked until 7 pm. We hit all of our goals. I am beginning to feel a bit of my identity coming back to me. I won't say that the naughty thoughts have not tried to make their way in, but it definitely has lost it's grip on me.

I know I am also starting to reconnect with God. Truth is apart from anyone, His love is spreading in me. Everyone here, whether a believer or not, has a purpose, and awesome purpose. I don't know what exactly lies in our futures, but as the days have passed, I feel more optimistic, I am not alone, neither are any of you, US!

I wanted to share something important I haven't done in a long time that I will take the time to do. Write a list of things I look forward to accomplishing this year. It's a random list that normally I write at the beginning of the year, but every day can be a new beginning. I want to challenge everyone to do that same. It doesn't matter if it's something simple or simple that seems complicated, just write as many as you can on a piece of paper, positive things. Then fold it and put it away for the rest of the year. Come December 31, 2015, take it out and look to see how many you accomplished. You may just scratch one, or all, but what matters is we see our own progress.

I look forward to writing more.



J

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Opening up to my sister
« Reply #27 on: June 06, 2015, 09:33:55 PM »
Today was my first step since opening up here about porn addiction that I finally decided to open up to a family member, in this case, my sister. I was slightly nervous but surprised at how casual I was able to tell her.

To my surprise, it turns out she had dabbled in it too. Not sure to what extent but for awhile she had been involved in reading erotic fiction and looking at erotic art. Although she didn't watch videos, she said she would find her mind going to "that place". She felt ashamed being a woman of faith herself.

I did most of the talking but we both did not expect this and it was comforting in a sense that I could share with her my struggles and vice versa.

I feel an enormous relief and yet at the same time anxiety because I told someone. I didn't go into every detail as the last thing I wanted to do was relive everything that had happened, but I simply offered her the same support and told her about these resources. I explained what I had learned and she ended up feeling immense relief as well.

Wow!

I will say, my mind has not travel to "there" but I do feel a bit of frustration today as I deal with other things. Normally,  by this point I would have relapsed, but I haven't. That's a good thing. My resolve becomes stronger every day. So I have 25 days to meet my 60 day goal. I look forward to that celebration.  ;D

« Last Edit: June 06, 2015, 11:44:00 PM by J »



mayane

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Re: J- breaking painful silence
« Reply #28 on: June 08, 2015, 02:38:04 AM »
Congrats J, on opening up with your sister!  It is indeed a big step forward - it signifies your commitment and the fact that you want to irrevocably move away from the past.  It takes a great deal of moral courage to be able to open up and face up to one's mistakes, particularly to a real person.  You have done that!  The journey henceforth can only be easier.
The problem of P seems to be more widespread than acknowledged and thanks to this forum and YBOP for helping thousands out there.
You have already crossed the 30 day mark - anything that you do consistently for 30 days, you can do it forever.  So the next 25 days and 25 weeks and 25 years will be smooth.  You will do it. 
Awesome and keep up the good work!
Best.

double trouble

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Re: J- breaking painful silence
« Reply #29 on: June 12, 2015, 05:19:55 PM »
Hi J,

I am not a believer but i maybe can understand a bit about your struggle.
I have also tried porn. I felt so rejected and alone, knewing my late husband was a porn addict and now my bf is.
I thought they don't have an interest in me anyway so i surged for a outlet myself.
I watcht porn accasionely, and yes it is an easy way to get to an orgasm. Fortunatly i realized on time that i did'nt want to be like my late husband and my current bf. I want to make love, not just an easy get of. I don't wan't to be as numb as they where and are. Maybe you are far to deep in this by now but what i do when i feel the urge. immediately stop and go do something else. My trigger is when i am alone in bed, so what i do is hup out of bed when i feel the urge, make myself a cup of coffee and move on with the things i have to do. Maybe its an easy way of speaking for me and i am not near as far in as you are but i also think you have to approach this like the male addicts here. If you really wan't to stop this


Best wishes, double trouble

J

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Re: J- breaking painful silence
« Reply #30 on: June 12, 2015, 11:55:48 PM »
Thanks for your input and encouragement double trouble. It's a struggle once you have gone down the rabbit hole, but it is possible to rise from it and recover. For instance, today I started to see old images in my head and honestly feel aroused. I did not find myself wanting to see porn but the dreams sometimes trigger my desires. I did get up at the first interruption and made sure not to feed it. So today was a so and so day, because honestly I wanted to get that high, but I stopped myself and came back out to talk with my roommate where I can't arouse myself.

For me, God is a positive reinforcement because His word says, he defeated this sense of evil in me. But just like most things I have free will. I can make the choice to entertain the desires or refuse to entertain them. These days the battle is becoming a bit easier, but I have learned to become patient with myself as well.

The thing with addiction is that it doesn't discriminate, whether you are male or female doesn't matter. With porn, I found that I have experience the  symptoms as men. A lost of interest to connect with a real person, a distorted view of love, a lack of ability to concentrate and even feeling my libido affected, needing porn to achieve orgasm....the list goes on, so although there might be some slight differences emotionally, the physical symptoms are very much alike.

Based on what I had read on your journal the problem you are having is that your BF is into porn, which is not a great foundation for love. There's no love in porn period. You want love, I want love, and porn is not going to help either of our lives. If you encountered this problem with your late husband and now with your BF, it will continue to be a problem. It is a life suck, and from other people in this forum, you will discover it has destroyed meaningful relationships. I definitely, don't want to continue this pattern. Just taking it a day at a time.
 



J

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Rough morning
« Reply #31 on: June 13, 2015, 03:40:17 PM »
Not sure what has gotten into me but the images keep pushing into my brain. They are new fantasies that I am trying not to entertain. I need to get my mind out of that gutter. I almost  started to edge, but stopped myself and came back here to read and remind myself of my progress.

Need to refocus. It almost feels like because I have not watched P, my mind is feeling the withdrawal again. It wants to feed, it wants to feel. Need to get the feeling of arousal down, it is strong right now.



J

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Made it
« Reply #32 on: June 14, 2015, 03:17:10 PM »
I didn't relapse .

No PMO!

What I did find is this was about the same time when I started  my reboot to feel the urges around the 10-12 day Mark. The body remembers habits. I asked God for help and immediately remember this.

One of the things I did was start listening to the word even when I feel like I a dirty to be having these thoughts while listen to biblical teachings. It starts to interrupt the thoughts. The other thing was, get out of bed, be in the company of others. And I went out. What better way to stop the process of wanting to PMO than to be in public.

I always came back here and read. I did not want to throw away 43 days, not when after reading somebody write about the regret one feels after giving in. So I said it out loud, I will not throw 43 days away for a moment, even if it is hours it still is a moment compared to almost a month and a half.

Thanks to this forum, I was reminded of how far I had gotten and how much further I want to go. I know it will get better.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2015, 03:31:23 PM by J »



mayane

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Re: J- breaking painful silence
« Reply #33 on: June 14, 2015, 08:54:27 PM »
Congrats J on not relapsing! That's awesome.  You are an encouragement to others!  Stay strong.

J

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Accountability report
« Reply #34 on: June 15, 2015, 06:03:26 AM »
Hi guys and gals,

Well I want to keep myself honest here and have to report a relapse on my behalf. I want to keep this positive as I had indicated my urges had gotten strong. I did MO, hence the relapse. However, I did not watch any porn or substitute, which is a very important turn in my progress.

Although I admit that the images in my head were strong as well as the urges, I did not give in to watching porn. And so have adjusted my counter to indicate my MO relapse but to show that I am still 43 days in without watching porn. I am not sure what to make of what happened and I am not going to let myself be beaten up about the MO as it is usually linked to my porn viewing.

I know I will feel a sense of disappointment because of the MO and I am determined to beat it altogether, yet I will celebrate the victory of no porn viewing at all. I am making progress in that area and really do believe that as long as I keep myself away from any viewing it will eventually weaken the urges to MO.

The beast is weakening. I know I can do this.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2015, 06:07:13 AM by J »



J

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Much better.
« Reply #35 on: June 18, 2015, 11:29:29 PM »
Since the MO incident I bought a book that addresses the testimony of two women that had problems with porn. I don't have the title with me to remember but if anyone is interested it is written by Shelley Hitz.

I do feel very different this time around, I don't feel that sense of worthlessness, condemnation. I haven't relapsed on porn viewing, which is interesting to me, I feel detached from it now. Yes, the images do come to my head from time to time, but they don't have the strength as they did before. I also acknowledged that I have a week when my urges spike related to what is for women our cycle as in days when we become most fertile.

Also the body has the capability to remember habits. Kinda like drinking that cup of coffee everyday at 10 am. It will crave it. I realize that the urges become strong about 12 days in because there is memory of a habit.

But also, for me it is important not to MO as I want to be faithful to my beliefs. I too crave that natural love that one shares with the one I love, but it should not be my life's focus. When we go outside of that it's just self service, because I want to be satisfied, no emotional bond with anyone. This should not be and I know that is half my struggle.

I need to learn to get out of my head and focus on one thing at a time.
« Last Edit: June 18, 2015, 11:34:27 PM by J »



J

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Progress
« Reply #36 on: June 22, 2015, 03:26:27 AM »
I have since become clearer on some of my issues as they are now resurfacing. The anxiety I have been feeling is a result of spreading myself out too thin in trying to do a little bit of everything and finding that I was accomplishing very little or getting nothing done.

Since I am also in search of a job at present, I found that by stretching myself too thin I became overwhelmed and stunted my progress. What was at first a search and apply became only a search, creative writing not for this journal), researching material and overwhelming feeling of dread that made me lose my focus on what was important, applying for the jobs.

Being overwhelmed for me becomes a trigger and the thoughts of PMO did come up. They were very lazy thoughts, not as strong as before. From a scale of 1 to 10 I would say a 3. Because my mind was clear I was able to identify that trigger and able to come up with a solution: prioritize.

I decided this order: job search, application first.  If there is time left, then write.

I know it may seem a bit overkill for some. As I often hear "well it's all about how you manage that time" . But what matters is what is most important and responsible. Right now I am not making any money off my ideas. And I need to generate income. Once I made that decision guess what happen? My anxiety disappeared along with the feeling of being overwhelmed. That said I have been active in my job search and already applied to a position.

Progress!
« Last Edit: June 22, 2015, 03:30:16 AM by J »



J

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The real emotions begin to resurface
« Reply #37 on: June 26, 2015, 02:52:32 PM »
I had an interesting night, one that yes, there was a wet dream, but with it a memory. In my dream I found myself having an instance where I felt like my family was bothering me and I just wanted them to go away. In that instance all I wanted to do was MO.

It was me but at the same time there was something different, I was me and wasn't. Every time my sister knocked on the door I got irritated. Then when I did let her in I asked her where is my mom, and she said in the other room using the computer. All I remember was getting pissed, because it was my roommates room and I just felt like yelling at them for being  disconsiderate like that. End dream.

My family is not normally like that and this PMO thing did not happen until I left home to work and be independent. The dream however has triggered a memory long forgotten as to why I started viewing porn in the first place.

When I moved, there were a lot of emotions left behind associated with my family. My father the alcoholic, my mother the dependent and my sister the dreamer that did nothing about her goals. I had lots of anger and frustrations and the world was on my shoulders. They depended a lot on me sometimes for stuff they could do themselves. Because my dad was always drunk I was the only other person who could drive. I also got a job 6 months after graduating from college. All that time my sister hadn't really been working but if I am not mistaken she had started grad school.

My mother kept on complaining about my dads habits and we begged her to leave him for both of their sakes. At the same time we were all looking for God in our way. I had had enough. When I moved to another state with a friend I didn't realize I was a mess. I didn't know how to take care of myself because me being a co- dependent person at the time wanting to take care of everyone, I never really learned how to execute the things I wanted out of life.

A year after leaving I had friends telling me they were glad I had left home, that I needed to. They saw things I didn't at the time. After the year I went back home to visit and saw the same anger resurface in me. I really didn't know how to handle a group of people that when I was a kid were so full of love and hope and now were defeated by circumstances. I was really against my dad, the sad drunk, couldn't stand him, but I didn't know how angry I was with my mom and sister until later. I was angry because I felt like she let her own circumstances be an excuse.

Oddly enough my mom and I were having a conversation which I have no idea how we got to the topic about porn in general. I told her I had never really viewed it. She didn't'the believe me. The type you got at video rentals and the Internet. Of course at the time I didn't understand that magazines, and even the soft core stuff counted. It was more like I saw it once and that was it. When I returned from my trip I was disturbed by the thought that my mom didn't believe me when I told her I had never viewed the hardcore stuff.

Guess what dummy me decided to do? Well if she doesn't believe me then let's make her assumption true. I saw the first scene from the Internet. I remember it clearly, I felt disgusted. It was some sort of sex party. Then I turned it off. I once read that a habit can take a foothold if you do it once meaning it's ready to establish itself. Once you repeat the behavior it turns into a stronghold in ones life.

At the time although I had a job and seemed to be living a normal life, with the initial struggles of independence, I was dealing with a lot of hurt emotions. The next day, the very thing I didn't want to view I viewed again. I decided to M to it, frankly the thought being how do people get excited off of this disgusting thing. It was my first time really intentionally M'ing. It lead to orgasm. I had no idea at the time that I created an association in me. P + M = O and it felt good. And I repeated this almost everyday thereafter. I came to regret that day for a long time.

The point I am making is I realize that my frustrations with my family led me to seek something I shouldn't have. Although those years are a bit fuzzy I do recollect that I started to loathe my family. Hours of talk turned into constant frustration. The people I once felt deep love for became the ones I wanted to runaway from. I didn't want to deal with them anymore. I also decided that I didn't want to deal with God at the time.

My relationship has gotten better with them since and about 4 years ago I really recommitted to my relationship with God. But this dream brought out emotions I had apparently buried. A lot of them I forgave, and I had to forgive myself in the process. But I realize that there are things that at some point I need to stop avoiding and will need to be dealt with. I understand things better now and believe as I continue this reboot, more things will resurface. This is good. I trust God reveals things in His timing. This is one of them.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2015, 03:08:33 PM by J »



J

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Difficult day
« Reply #38 on: June 29, 2015, 03:01:34 AM »
Hi everyone. Just as my subject reads, I am having a difficult day and night. One that has bombarded my brain with images. It's like it's trying to create new fantasies and continues to flip the channel. I don't know if any one has experienced this before?

The point is I have no desires for them. I literally feel apathy towards them. The other thing is that I am experiencing some frustration towards a friend who treated me like crap just now and I have no idea why such hostility. I hadn't seen this person all day. It's like  Jekyel  (sp?) and Hyde sort of.

I have been having a talk with the Man upstairs. Just processing emotions, which usually lead me to view porn. But I just feel plain depressed right now. I guess there can be no progress without opposition. I just feel lonely and sad right now.



mayane

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Re: J- breaking painful silence
« Reply #39 on: June 29, 2015, 08:15:18 AM »
J, everyone goes through that.  It only  means that you are on the right path.  The right path was never easy.  Be prepared for struggles.  The 60 - 90 day period is supposed to be the most difficult.  Once you get through with that, the worst is behind you.  You have come this far, you go further.  The images popping up is the limbic brain tricking you into relapsing.  Think positive thoughts.  Think of the sunshine, the cool wind on your face, snowflakes on your hands, a walk with a loved one, the feeling of warmth and gratitude.  Give yourself a personal charm.  Shout 'expecto patronum' and think every positive thought that you can.  It will drive away the negative thoughts.  Positive emotions and thoughts are far more powerful than the negative.  Because they nourish the soul and the soul wants to be nourished.
Think positive, be positive.  Get up and get out of the hole that your limbic brain is trying to drive you into.
You can do it.  So just do it!  It's that simple!

WeakbutHopeful

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Re: J- breaking painful silence
« Reply #40 on: June 30, 2015, 10:49:40 AM »
"I might be a lot more depressed than I am aware, because of the lack of PMO....and this is good! It's progress, but I don't know what to do."

YESS!!! I love how you see the bad days as a good sign of progress.  I keep telling myself I need to have that mentality on bad days.

You sound like such a resilient person J, and one who is truly trying to become the woman God has meant her to be.  God is with you always and is constantly there to help, we just need to truly believe that.

I hope today is a good day for you!

J

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One Step At a Time
« Reply #41 on: July 01, 2015, 12:12:09 AM »
"I might be a lot more depressed than I am aware, because of the lack of PMO....and this is good! It's progress, but I don't know what to do."

YESS!!! I love how you see the bad days as a good sign of progress.  I keep telling myself I need to have that mentality on bad days.

You sound like such a resilient person J, and one who is truly trying to become the woman God has meant her to be.  God is with you always and is constantly there to help, we just need to truly believe that.

I hope today is a good day for you!

Thank you for your wishes! I got a good kick in the ass by Mayanne here so it always helps to have that encouragement. Sometimes we just need to hear the truth and the truth is that even when you are feeling down you also have the choice to change your thoughts and focus on positive thinking. Sometimes it seems hard but reality is that my bad day got better when I started saying positive affirmations and just got up!

I realize I am not superwoman and we women tend to be wired to think we can do everything and multi-task. I often have to remind myself that I am not perfect, that I will make mistakes and that I have to take it one day at a time. So here I am taking one day at a time. Today has been excellent. I applied for another job!

A friend of mine once said: The more you do, the more you can do. :)

Thanks guys and gal.



mayane

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Re: J- breaking painful silence
« Reply #42 on: July 01, 2015, 04:11:33 AM »
Great going J!

J

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Celebrating the first 60 days
« Reply #43 on: July 02, 2015, 11:52:27 AM »
My first 60. I thought I would be jumping for joy, yet instead I am calm. I am happy to reach a milestone and acknowledge this victory. Thank you God for every step of the way. For the people You placed to help encourage and for their recovery as well.

It really is about the journey. As I reflect on these first 60 days, I admit there was a point when I thought I might not reach it. But I did! That means I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me.

Now to set up the next 30 days. And once I get there, 30 more. And continue in this pattern until it all adds up!

« Last Edit: July 02, 2015, 03:02:50 PM by J »



mayane

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Re: J- breaking painful silence
« Reply #44 on: July 02, 2015, 12:11:15 PM »
Congrats on reaching this milestone!

J

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New goal of 90 days
« Reply #45 on: July 02, 2015, 11:42:27 PM »
Now that I reached 60,  I have added 30 more days!! ;D
« Last Edit: July 16, 2015, 07:36:18 PM by J »



Trying2Survive

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Re: J- breaking painful silence
« Reply #46 on: July 03, 2015, 12:05:27 AM »
Hey J,

Just stopping by to congratulate you on your 60 days!!! Hope all is well. Keep it up!


"I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?" - Tom Hanks, Cast Away

J

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Re: J- breaking painful silence
« Reply #47 on: July 03, 2015, 07:31:19 PM »
Thanks! Treading forward, feel more focused.



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more progress
« Reply #48 on: July 06, 2015, 01:33:09 PM »
I noticed a significant change in my sleep where now I am starting to have normal vivid fun dreams again. I haven't had them in a long time. Nothing wet dream related, which I am happy about. Normal sane dreams. :)



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66 days in
« Reply #49 on: July 09, 2015, 03:57:07 AM »
I am starting to feel more confident about my recovery. I no longer crave the porn and matter of fact am experiencing awesome dreams that are giving me story ideas. My interest in porn and MO has significantly reduced by 95% percent.

I continue to take necessary precautions such as when watching tv, I look away from potential image triggers. I am also feeding my spirit by reading up more scriptures on love. My mind doesn't "go there", I have been keeping to work deadlines as well as continue to talk to my sister about my recovery.

We now have an additional house guest in our home, not sure for how long, but it forces me to get out of my room by a certain time. I no longer feel anxious. I find myself intentionally looking for peace. A friend, to whom I will be talking to about my recovery for the first time is coming into town for a week. I am feeling relaxed about it.

No relapsing. I am getting better about talking about my frustrations with other people. Getting better with communicating feelings as well. A better sense of well being. I don't feel as scarred anymore, more like a nervous excitement. I avoid stressing myself out.
 
I also envision those 90 days. :) Lots of positive energy.
« Last Edit: July 09, 2015, 04:00:29 AM by J »