Author Topic: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)  (Read 4538 times)

Johnny

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Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: April 15, 2015, 04:46:17 AM »
Hi everyone, here's my story:
I'm 29, been addicted to porn since age 12 maybe.
From a very early age i was very insecure about my penis size, it got to a point where i would not take a shower with other guys, and even if we were on a trip and all the guys would go pee outside together, i would hold it in until i got to a private bathroom (i almost exploded that day, it was horrible). Whenever someone (usually men) would see my penis, they would make a joke, or a sarcastic remark, which made me feel even more self conscious.
That led me to use porn a lot, because i felt no one would judge me there and i would be pleased. And i was right.
People always thought i was very mysterious because of my introverted personality, little they know it was mostly related to my embarrassment.
Nevertheless, i manage to get girlfriends and have sex on occasion. Always fearing women would laugh at my member, i orgasm very quickly and turn my back on them so they don't see my penis flaccid. After a few times i got dumped from relationships (which were very short- each lasting a month, tops) i got even more introverted and depressed. My then very grown OCD kicked in very strong, and i found refuge in porn.
Very soon, even before my romantic relationships, i got to a point where i would need very very hardcore videos to get off. Even, to my disgust, extreme real violence and bestiality. Also, i started questioning my sexuality, because i knew i was attracted to women, but i noticed that i started getting off on gay material as well. Usually fantasizing being the one anally penetrated.
A submissive.
I rationalized that as being my "fate" because of my small organ. And what i "deserved" for my lack of manliness.
I watched gay porn vigorously, and experimented with improvised toys to penetrate myself. Because of my Obsessive condition, i always finished to a "right" kind of porn, who involved women, because otherwise i would feel shame, guilt, depressed, anxious, and even suicidal.
i was so confused after i orgasm, because then i felt totally heterosexual, but for some reason i needed extreme gay porn in order to get off.
My depression, OCD, anxiety, and despair continued downhill for the years to come. During which, I've been in and out of short term relationships, occasional dates, and the last few years in a long term relationship (my first), with a woman. Which is a very problematic on-off relationship. (i would not go any further into this subject right now...).
The whole time porn was always in the background, and a few times a week in the front line as well. Reaching days which i wasted entirely on porn and masturbation, that climaxed this year to using apps and sexual video broadcasting of my self in the gay forums usually.
Apps which led to a few gay sexual encounters, that were very troubling, making myself a sexual surrendered submissive at best, expecting abuse. (During those encounters i never had an erection).
Still fighting with OCD, i immediately needed to "correct" the gay sexual acts to a "right" straight sex act. These made me at first resort to the service of prostitutes, and later just to meaningless sexual encounters with women with which i didn't particularly had interest in. I'm very ashamed of my behavior and i believe most of it is highly influenced by my porn addiction.
I'm currently in therapy the last year or so, and before i was in a 2 years therapy with another psychologist. I'm also taking prescribed medications for the treatment of depression, OCD, Anxiety and sleep.

Today, about a week ago i spoke with a friend who's a doctor, about my very low libido and my inability to have sex with my girlfriend, as my erections are very unstable and my very bad case of PE, and after questioning me a bit, he asked me if i have an addiction to porn, and i agreed. Especially after testing my ability to have an erection using porn, which was immediate and long lasting.
He prescribed me with ED drug and told me to quit porn, take a 20mg pill only before sexual intercourse until i gain some confidence, and gradually decrease the dosage until i no longer need it.
It helped a bit, not to increase my libido, but when i got an erection it would be long lasting, even when i masturbated with no porn.

Right now i'm writing this after a few days of no porn, and i'm feeling the flatline pretty rough. I masturbated a few times without porn, and without fantasizing of porn, and sometimes no fantasizing at all. And i don't orgasm during my masturbation, so i will have strength for real sex with my girlfriend. (which we had only once since i quit porn, and in that time i had PE).

Also, today, a few weeks (while i was in a porn frenzy) after ordering a dildo online, i received it today and tried using it while i masturbated (not having an orgasm).
Does that mean i relapsed? and should i reset my Counter?

I very very much would like to get my ED and PE fixed, and i would be very relieved if quitting porn would help that...

Sorry for the long story, but i wanted to make sure i hit every point i thought was relevant here (also, having OCD doesn't help much in that department...).
Thanks,
Johnny
 
« Last Edit: April 15, 2015, 11:24:57 AM by Johnny »

Crespo

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Re: Climbing - Please help:)
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2015, 09:44:49 AM »
Welcome the forum!
I read your story and a lot of it rings true with me. My tastes in porn got pretty wild as did my solo sex sessions.
If you haven't already make sure you go to your brain on porn to read all the info on there. There are many stories from men who have experienced a change in sexual preference after high porn use.
Good luck and make sure you check back in daily - it really helps!
Memento Mori

Johnny

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Re: Climbing - Please help:)
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2015, 10:00:11 AM »
Hey, thanks for your encouraging words:)
I will check back daily to reinforce my dedication to quitting
 

pinkerton

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Re: Climbing - Please help:)
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2015, 10:53:12 AM »
Welcome :) glad you're here. Hope you find this a useful and supportive place.
You asked whether you should reset your counter or not - in the end only you know the right answer to that. I am trying to stop viewing P and also trying to quit masturbating (M). So if it were me, I would reset. However,  there are some guys here who try only to quit P but continue to use M. I'm addicted to both and M has always led me back to P in the past so that is why I'm stopping both.
 Also, your honesty is admirable and important for recovery but we also need to take care when sharing graphic information because it could be triggering for other readers. You might put a warning before you share such info.
 Good luck with your reboot. Keep coming back.

Johnny

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2015, 11:30:42 AM »
Hi pinkerton,
I apologize for not adding the triggers warning before i post this message.
I have a tendency to disconnect from myself when writing so i will not filter myself and be as honest as i can, and it sometimes become graphic.
I'm new to this type of forums and will check myself twice before posting any detail which can be a trigger for some.
Thanks for responding kindly about it:)
and thanks for welcoming me

Johnny

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2015, 07:30:44 AM »
Hey,
9 Days to my 90 days goal and i noticed different challenges, would appreciate any advice...
1) When watching TV shows or movies, i notice my eyes automatically moving to the women. I don't M or anything, and when i notice myself fixed on them, i stop and move my gaze to a different place. Is that good? or is it a relapse of some sort?

2) I noticed that my cravings for junk food and generally unhealthy foods increased, and it almost feels like a strong addiction to the dopamine surge that induces in me.
While i do try to eat healthy most of the time, i occasionally binge on them.
Am i just switching one addiction with another? and am i sabotaging my progress? or is it ok to let this period of junk food eating be (at least for a while) until i get my main P addiction sorted out? 

pinkerton

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2015, 10:56:45 AM »
Hey johnny, I think it is pretty normal  (especially for us) to pay more attention to women (or men if that's what you like) whether it's on TV or in real life. I think it is great that you notice it and change your focus. It's not a relapse and you're being more aware of your habits and triggers and what you look at.
 As far as junk food goes, I've heard many men have found that focusing on healthier diet and exercise has greatly helped them during their reboot. The main thing is that we stay off porn, so do what you gotta do and don't stress about the junk food if it isn't interfering with your reboot.
 That's the best advice I can give based on my experience, I'm still trying to beat this thing too. Keep coming back.
 

Johnny

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2015, 11:56:38 AM »
Thanks pinkerton :)
I need those reassuring words on my way, and you're very helpful :)
My basic diet is healthy and i am exercising, will try not to stress on those occasional binges.
One addiction at a time...
« Last Edit: April 18, 2015, 12:06:06 PM by Johnny »

cinefile77

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #8 on: April 19, 2015, 02:36:36 AM »
Thanks for sharing such an honest story. I've also had experience with my sexuality being back and forth after so many years of porn use. Check out the info on HOCD. It should explain some of that.

As far as your junk food cravings, I think I have some insight from personal experience but I'm in no way a doctor.

So for years I've had on again off again depression. Not sure when it started but it was work related. As I hated my job more, my depression came back stronger and my porn use skyrocketed. Now, another struggle I've had is with sugar. As far as I've read, both porn and sugar are able to get past our dopamine receptors in the way something like an opiate would. So if you've been depressed and your brain is desperate for a dopamine hit, you'll be craving some sugar loaded junk food.

Like others have said, getting out and exercising helps. It's helped my depression a lot and I'm totally not a big exercise guy.

As far as your struggle with size, it's really too bad. I'd think porn would make you feel worse considering they often get the biggest. You should check out a movie called unhung hero. It should still be on Netflix and it runs on cable. In the end, if your partner cares, it's on them. I've never been real happy with my size either but my girlfriend says if it was bigger shed cry, so there's nothing to really worry about.  Someone loves you either way and even more if you're good with your tongue.

One other thing, you mentioned being ashamed of what material got you going. The shame will make you worse. You'll have to accept what is and move on. Hopefully the therapy will help you figure out the why part and then get you on the right track.....but no more living in shame.

Good luck!

Johnny

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #9 on: April 19, 2015, 08:28:50 AM »
cinefile77,
Your message is really spot on, and i feel that you understand my situation on a deep level, and i'm very thankful for that:)
I will check that movie asap, and your comments regarding size and food are really helpful.
Thank you for giving thought to my shenanigans:) it's not obvious these days...
Good luck to you as well!

Abstinence Alpha

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #10 on: April 19, 2015, 08:51:16 PM »
Hi Johnny! Thanks for sharing your story, your struggles and continued success.

I appreciate where you're coming from (we all have insecurities...if it's not one thing, it's another) and think you're brave to be writing so frankly and honestly. Even through you're confusion, you're convictions are clear. Please be grateful to be on the recovery path. You're not wallowing, you're digging your way out.  Welcome the changes and awareness....

Last year, I replaced PMO with binging on unhealthy foods to get that dopamine rush, but I eventually got a good exercise habit (which I've since broken...but working to reestablish).

Don't be ashamed for any of it Johnny!!! The universe is infinite, but the world we live in is limiting.
I look forward to reading about your journey...

Johnny

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2015, 03:38:26 AM »
Hi CharmingandAlarming
I read your story and can relate to many parts of it. Thank you for reading mine and giving your optimistic view on things:)
Good luck on your journey to overcome this addiction.

Johnny

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #12 on: April 20, 2015, 03:54:31 AM »
Yesterday i had sex with my girlfriend. I took a ED pill before just to make sure everything worked, and not experience the embarrassment of ED. Although, in the last few times we had been together i didn't take one, and my erection wasn't stable.
My main problem, beside unstable E, is that i have a pretty bad case of PE, after few minutes, causing my partner to feel frustrated and even rejected. I haven't share with her my addiction, because our relationship is a bit complicated (yea, i also hate that word...).
We don't meet very often, and when we do, i feel pressure to perform my best, and i guess the stress is the main cause of my PE.
Any thoughts on how to overcome this will be great:)
I would very much like to share with her my problem, but don't feel i can anytime soon. Maybe if we manage to get our relationship stable i would in the future...(we are working on it).
Also, any views on ED pills? do you think it's wise to take them on my recovery to gain confidence? (i'm lowering the dosage gradually so i don't become dependent on them...

Johnny

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #13 on: April 22, 2015, 02:27:58 AM »
Two big things i noticed the last two days:
1) When speaking with a woman i'm attracted to, simply by connecting with her i felt aroused. It wasn't very very strong, but still tingles   
     and attraction which didn't happen to me for a while.

2) Woke up this morning with a morning wood. This felt great because i haven't experience it a very long time.

Question:
If i had the morning wood right after an erotic dream, is that still considered a normal functioning morning erection? or is it just the dream manifestation?
Thanks

pinkerton

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #14 on: April 22, 2015, 08:38:31 AM »
I would say that is a normal morning wood. Congrats on your progress brother! Keep coming back.

Johnny

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #15 on: April 22, 2015, 09:27:15 AM »
Thanks man:)

eworldrox

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #16 on: April 23, 2015, 10:40:01 AM »
hi. I plan to start a face group for getting rid of porn.

please join it. so that we can get messages easily. here is the link..

https://www.facebook.com/groups/901776369873749/

Johnny

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #17 on: July 21, 2015, 08:59:25 AM »
Hey,
Haven't been here for a while.
After 80+ days i relapsed, started watching p again every few days.
for some reason i feel helpless, its hard for me to quit, and i don't know what to do

Renovatio

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #18 on: July 22, 2015, 04:21:15 PM »
Hey man. Dont give up. You need to look farther down the road at the finish line. Hard work and persistance will get you there. Talk to people when the urge comes (helps me). I just had my first relapse in 14 days last night. I feel like shit about it, but what good will that do sulking about it. Pick ourselves up by the damn boot straps and keep walking. We will get where we need to be sooner or later, even if we fall down a few times.  :)

Johnny

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #19 on: July 25, 2015, 03:18:15 AM »
Thanks Renovatio

SouthwestGuy

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #20 on: July 25, 2015, 10:55:07 AM »
I went through the same thing in all honesty.  I started getting more 'aggressive' in what type of P I was seeking.  I too was starting to ask some questions to myself.  I remember seeing a gay P in the beginning and not being a turn on at all (just wasn't my thing).  Fast forward 10 years and I found myself watching it... but I still had no attraction towards men.  Its weird... the thought of kissing or anything intimate was still not a pleasant thought... but some sexual acts seemed interesting.  And it had to be something specific... certain acts were still a turn off.  Others were a turn on (usually the things being done to the guy, ie: what my wife could do to me at least).  I suppose it was my bodys way of trying to find the 'next level' for PMO. 

I started to just think "well maybe I am just bi and am just now realizing it" but I couldn't get past the fact that I didn't find men attractive.  After doing recent research this kinda confirms that I was just looking for something more intense.  The traditional P got boring, started finding other things. 

Best of luck on your journey :)

Johnny

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Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« Reply #21 on: July 30, 2015, 06:21:40 AM »
SouthwestGuy,
I can feel that you understand my difficulties, and it makes it a little easier to know that i'm not alone  :)
Thanks a lot

Johnny