Author Topic: Depressed & Confused  (Read 727 times)


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Depressed & Confused
« on: April 14, 2015, 07:42:53 AM »
Hi everyone, here's my story:
I'm 29, been addicted to porn since age 12 maybe.
From a very early age i was very insecure about my penis size, it got to a point where i would not take a shower with other guys, and even if we were on a trip and all the guys would go pee outside together, i would hold it in until i got to a private bathroom (i almost exploded that day, it was horrible). Whenever someone (usually men) would see my penis, they would make a joke, or a sarcastic remark, which made me feel even more self conscious.
That led me to use porn a lot, because i felt no one would judge me there and i would be pleased. And i was right.
People always thought i was very mysterious because of my introverted personality, little they know it was mostly related to my embarrassment.
Nevertheless, i manage to get girlfriends and have sex on occasion. Always fearing women would laugh at my member, i orgasm very quickly and turn my back on them so they don't see my penis flaccid. After a few times i got dumped from relationships (which were very short- each lasting a month, tops) i got even more introverted and depressed. My then very grown OCD kicked in very strong, and i found refuge in porn.
Very soon, even before my romantic relationships, i got to a point where i would need very very hardcore videos to get off. Even, to my disgust, extreme real violence and bestiality. Also, i started questioning my sexuality, because i knew i was attracted to women, but i noticed that i started getting off on gay material as well. Usually fantasizing being the one anally penetrated.
A submissive.
I rationalized that as being my "fate" because of my small organ. And what i "deserved" for my lack of manliness.
I watched gay porn vigorously, and experimented with improvised toys to penetrate myself. Because of my Obsessive condition, i always finished to a "right" kind of porn, who involved women, because otherwise i would feel shame, guilt, depressed, anxious, and even suicidal.
i was so confused after i orgasm, because then i felt totally heterosexual, but for some reason i needed extreme gay porn in order to get off.
My depression, OCD, anxiety, and despair continued downhill for the years to come. During which, I've been in and out of short term relationships, occasional dates, and the last few years in a long term relationship (my first), with a woman. Which is a very problematic on-off relationship. (i would not go any further into this subject right now...).
The whole time porn was always in the background, and a few times a week in the front line as well. Reaching days which i wasted entirely on porn and masturbation, that climaxed this year to using apps and sexual video broadcasting of my self in the gay forums usually.
Apps which led to a few gay sexual encounters, that were very troubling, making myself a sexual surrendered submissive at best, expecting abuse. (During those encounters i never had an erection).
Still fighting with OCD, i immediately needed to "correct" the gay sexual acts to a "right" straight sex act. These made me at first resort to the service of prostitutes, and later just to meaningless sexual encounters with women with which i didn't particularly had interest in. I'm very ashamed of my behavior and i believe most of it is highly influenced by my porn addiction.
I'm currently in therapy the last year or so, and before i was in a 2 years therapy with another psychologist. I'm also taking prescribed medications for the treatment of depression, OCD, Anxiety and sleep.

Today, about a week ago i spoke with a friend who's a doctor, about my very low libido and my inability to have sex with my girlfriend, as my erections are very unstable and my very bad case of PE, and after questioning me a bit, he asked me if i have an addiction to porn, and i agreed. Especially after testing my ability to have an erection using porn, which was immediate and long lasting.
He prescribed me with ED drug and told me to quit porn, take a 20mg pill only before sexual intercourse until i gain some confidence, and gradually decrease the dosage until i no longer need it.
It helped a bit, not to increase my libido, but when i got an erection it would be long lasting, even when i masturbated with no porn.

Right now i'm writing this after a few days of no porn, and i'm feeling the flatline pretty rough. I masturbated a few times without porn, and without fantasizing of porn, and sometimes no fantasizing at all. And i don't orgasm during my masturbation, so i will have strength for real sex with my girlfriend. (which we had only once since i quit porn, and in that time i had PE).

Also, today, a few weeks (while i was in a porn frenzy) after ordering a dildo online, i received it today and tried using it while i masturbated (not having an orgasm).
Does that mean i relapsed? and should i reset my Counter?

I very very much would like to get my ED and PE fixed, and i would be very relieved if quitting porn would help that...

Sorry for the long story, but i wanted to make sure i hit every point i thought was relevant here (also, having OCD doesn't help much in that department...).