Author Topic: Starting over (again)  (Read 8735 times)

presson

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #50 on: June 12, 2015, 07:42:57 AM »
Hey, just wanted to send some encouragement your way. You've had excellent runs in the past, you just gotta get out of this slump. My suggestion would be to do whatever it takes to get back on track. Plan a day where you spend the whole day away from your computer. Whenever I have a day when I'm stuck by myself I go work at a coffee shop without my laptop for the entire day. Just anything that can keep you away from the internet until you're back on your feet. Good luck man, you can do this.

freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #51 on: June 14, 2015, 12:33:22 PM »
Finally made it through 24 hours.

Now to get through three days.


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #52 on: June 16, 2015, 09:24:07 PM »
Three days gone. Again.

Now for six.


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #53 on: June 17, 2015, 12:07:55 AM »
Drat. Three days.

Well, that means I can make three days and beyond this time.


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #54 on: June 20, 2015, 10:25:39 PM »
This time is different from the other times I have relapsed.

Previous times, I would realize that I was doing something wrong or feel guilty or something by PMO'ing multiple times a day and stop, which would turn into streaks.

That's not happening this time. I don't feel guilt. I feel shame, which is different, but that actually feeds the beast. I have this constant stream of negative thoughts flowing through my head: "This is the best you'll ever get." "No one will ever want to have sex with you." "No one will like you if they discover you watch porn." "You filthy hypocrite." "You disgusting pervert." "Who would ever want to be a fucking loser with no life like you?"

On and on and on.

I can't seem to make it beyond 24-hours to three days. It doesn't seem to affect the rest of my life much; I can still think and reason and live like normal (what counts as normal for me, anyway).

I don't know what to do. I feel pretty helpless to stop it right now. Anyone who reads this: What's the most unlikely thing you have done to break free that actually ended up working? The craziest thing? The most extreme thing? I'll take anything except public humiliation at this point.


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #55 on: June 20, 2015, 10:39:35 PM »
Oh my God, I am so fucking tired of this shit! How many times do I have to hit this point to realize that porn DOESN'T WORK?!

It just makes me feel like shit afterwards, my dick literally hurts sometimes from fapping, I have to put on a brave face and lie by omission to my family and friends, etc. etc. fucking etc.

I HATE THIS CRAP.

What is it? What do I have to do? I don't care anymore. I'M SICK OF LIVING IN THE SHADOWS.

I'm tall, I'm reasonably good-looking (I think, anyway), I'm exercising consistently (FINALLY! gents - get a partner for exercise, it really works a lot better), I'm going to school, yeah. YES, my life has been far from perfect - I have made so many mistakes that I probably cannot count them all. I have hung those mistakes like a million tiny millstones around my neck. Maybe there isn't a God, maybe there is - I don't the fuck know. I can forgive myself. I can't ask forgiveness from all the people I have hurt (no, not criminally - just from being an immature asshole) because I don't know where they are and that would take too long.

How long do I want to keep doing this to myself? HOW LONG? Maybe it will stop tonight.

The saddest part about this? If I had a GF, I would not want to shotgun videos of our sex life across the Internet AT ALL. Guess what I get off to the most? Yep, private videos on reddit or some other site.

I am so tired of this shit. I want this to stop. I don't know if I can make myself stop. I don't want to feel like a lying asshole anymore. For two fucking years I have played the 'pretend to be over it' game. THE HELL WITH THIS.

Sorry for the rant.


presson

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #56 on: June 21, 2015, 11:41:13 AM »
If you're looking for something "drastic" have you disclosed your struggle with someone you trust (in real life not online)? There'e also the possibility of something like counselling. For me, I went to an "extreme" by going to Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. Maybe it was a bit overkill, maybe not, but it's actually been hugely helpful for me. I'm realizing more and more that this isn't something that can be handled alone, it take a whole community of support to get over. So that's my suggestion, develop a support community. That doesn't mean going off and telling everyone, but it means choosing people you trust to come alongside you and help you through things. I also pray like crazy, which also helps keep me sane.

toreador

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #57 on: June 21, 2015, 11:56:03 AM »
Hey freefromwinternight,

don't be too hard on yourself. Shame and sadness gets you nowhere. It's what the addiction wants you to feel. It's one of it's methods to sabotage our success. Remember, that you are not what you feel like at this moment, if you were, you wouldn't be so disgusted by your actions. Wish you the best of luck for your next attempt, Toreador.

freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #58 on: June 23, 2015, 11:17:50 PM »
At the three-day mark again. I don't know if I edged or not, but as soon as I realized I was edging, I stopped, if that counts. I'm not resetting my counter over that, it doesn't seem worth it.

@presson: I have disclosed my struggle with a therapist and someone else. I told my therapist at the midway point of my last streak. The someone else I quit telling about it because I got tired of telling her and I got too embarrassed because something that supposed to be a 'temporary' thing definitely is not temporary. I don't know what she thinks I'm doing anymore because I just stopped talking about it with her. (Note: Not my GF, not even my age - older female adult that I trust). My therapist isn't that great, to be completely frank, but she's had a ton of male clients come to her about their own struggles with PMO addiction so she wasn't fazed about mine. (I think she suspected for a while before I told her, actually.) At any rate, neither personal connection seems to help.

As for SAA, I would rather stay away from them for as long as possible, no offense to present company meant, of course. I have an addiction to Internet porn; from what I've read, that doesn't make me a sex addict. Maybe I'm just rationalizing this, that is entirely possible, but it comes down to this: I just don't want to go.

Prayer is a touchy thing for me. My belief in God has been shaken by this whole experience; praying has seemed like an extended version of talking to myself for a while now. I could be wrong, but it doesn't seem to help anyway because I keep going back, so what difference does it make?

@toreador: It's funny, because I was on the verge of edging back into PMO just now, and I realized I wasn't feeling horny - I was feeling afraid. Terrified, actually. Of what?

I think I'm most afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I'm pretty socially awkward; good-looking enough, but probably not pants-wetting good-looking, if you catch my drift; very introverted; goes out of his way to avoid people most of the time; I also have a thing about noise and crowds which doesn't help.

In short, I'm terrified I'm destined to be excluded from the vast majority of the human race that has sex. Hell, every time a woman so much as brushes her hand against me, it generates this surge of electric sensation that almost makes me shiver with longing. How am I supposed to handle that kind of torture and remain confined to singlehood? I don't know how to surmount this. I'm afraid that I'm just an evolutionary dead end; a collection of useless genes undeserving of procreation and fit only to die out, removing my flawed characteristics from the gene pool so other, better-suited men can spread theirs around.

I think that's what I'm afraid of the most and that's the main reason why I am continually drawn back into PMO. The logic goes like this: If I'm destined to be single forever, I might as well watch porn, since that's the closest I'm ever going to get anyway.

Except it doesn't work. It actually makes the pain of being single worse because all the connection I could ever want is locked away behind a computer screen that I cannot go through or get around. Hence the agony.

Sorry about the long post.


presson

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #59 on: June 24, 2015, 06:22:27 PM »
Hey, that's great that you've been reaching out to other people. That was the gist of what I was saying, and its been the most helpful thing for me by far. I totally agree that SAA is a little ridiculous of a step, though I found that it was 75% people with the exact same problem as me anyway. It's all just been about expanding my support community for me, and that's been most useful to me. But it looks like you've done/are doing that so that's great. And its good to see you on the cusp of breaking past 3 days, time to get the ball rolling again.

As for the other matters you mentioned. I hesitate to clog your journal with theological reflection, since I - myself being quite the philosophy/theology nerd - could go on forever about such complex subjects. But if you ever want to discuss anything to do with God, prayer, existentialism and the like, just fire me a personal message and we can wax philosophical.

Good luck with your next steps!

freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #60 on: July 10, 2015, 03:29:27 PM »
I can only make it for 5 or 7 day bursts before a relapse. Pattern for about three weeks now.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2015, 04:00:20 PM by freefromwinternight »