Author Topic: Starting over (again)  (Read 10101 times)

freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #25 on: April 20, 2015, 03:01:24 PM »
Thanks, presson. I'm going to a social event tonight that I haven't been to in a few weeks. Hopefully the girl I saw there a few weeks ago will still be there, probably not. (I'm pretty much focused like a laser on meeting women.)

I don't think I made it clear last night that the terror was a symptom itself; I wasn't afraid of the symptoms by any means, I actually welcome them.


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #26 on: April 20, 2015, 04:41:49 PM »
This is what keeps going through my mind: "It doesn't matter how social you are, because you're not attractive and you'll never be attractive. Sure, other guys that look like you get girls, but they're not YOU. YOU will never have sex or have anyone love you that is your age and even remotely compatible, so STOP TRYING AND ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE. You will only EVER have sex with girls that beautiful in your head - don't even think about experiencing it in real life."

This is what my addiction wants me to believe.

(I don't even want girls that beautiful in real life. WTF?)


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #27 on: April 20, 2015, 11:15:00 PM »
The social event tonight went well. I made decent conversation with the people there . . . and got a dinner date for next week. :)


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #28 on: April 22, 2015, 05:17:19 PM »
I'm in danger of relapsing. No fantasies, little guy is stone cold but could still happen. I feel the 'antsy' coming back if that makes any sense. My brain craves the release, even though I know it's bad for me. I even caught myself googling stuff about how to use okcupid for casual sex. I didn't even know there were reddit threads for this kind of stuff before now! I'm trying to stay

I'm going to another social event tonight. Hopefully that will take my mind off of this. (Also, I don't know why voiding helps the antsy-ness go away, but I'm glad it does.)


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #29 on: April 22, 2015, 05:29:56 PM »
By the way, in the past when I have installed K9, I would use a separate email account for the K9 password so that I couldn't change or delete it, blah blah blah. Short story is I was able to bypass that hurdle because Gmail lets you recover a password if you know the date the account was created, which I obviously knew. That's how my last two attempts at using K9 have failed.

I need a favor from someone, and this sounds like I'm taking this way too seriously, but IMHO, you can't take this too seriously. I need someone to create two email accounts, one for me to send the K9 password to, and another one that is the backup account for the first one (because most email accounts require a second email address in case you forget [or don't want to remember] the password). Don't tell me even what service the second account uses just in case. I can't do K9 on my own because I'm smart and can probably bypass whatever I come up with. However, I can't bypass what I don't know, so could someone please help with this? I do not want to relapse again. Thanks so much.


presson

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #30 on: April 23, 2015, 02:34:00 PM »
I'm impressed with your desire and ability to hold on even when it gets tough. Remember that no blocker will ever completely take away the opportunity to look at porn. That being said, they do help. I have a backup email address that you could send a password to. Send me a personal message if you want to get that set up.

freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #31 on: April 25, 2015, 11:12:15 AM »
40 days. 40 days in the wilderness? Nope - going for the rest of my life. (Self-pleasure/addiction wilderness? HELL YES. Sexual wilderness? Hopefully not for the rest of my life.) 40 days.

It seems the longer I stay away from this stuff, the more I know myself better in terms of likes/dislikes.


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #32 on: May 08, 2015, 12:13:18 PM »
54 days in and really pissed off.

Bitter. Snape-like levels of bitter. And angry. And cynical. Feel like giving a giant finger to the world and yelling 'FUCK OFF' at the top of my lungs to anyone in close enough range.

Ugly. Prickly. Lonely. Horny. I hate this creature that lives in my crotch and demands sex, then fills me with bitterness when it doesn't get it. Would I even like or enjoy sex? I don't know, because I'm still a virgin! What's the point in thinking that sex is supposed to be something special when no one ever thinks I'm special enough to give it to?!

I am warped and twisted. I still haven't relapsed, because that's worse than this.

God, just so fucking bitter. How many years have I wasted? The first 24? I try not to focus on that, but they overshadow me whether I focus on them or not. 24 years of wasting my time, my semen and my energy on things other than real life, living in the shade of someone else's delusions, making them my own, and then wondering why the real world doesn't match up.

I have no long-term friends. I run from the ones I try to make because I'm such a fucking emotional coward. I think tearing people down is funny, and the scary thing is I don't know how much I do that.

Wah, wah wah, went the giant baby in the corner. Fuck everything - I'm at 54 days and that's what fucking matters.


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #33 on: May 26, 2015, 08:54:06 AM »
I sort-of edged yesterday with some stuff online. I didn't full-out relapse.

What I did do is MO last night, once before I went to sleep.

The last few days have seen an upsurge in energy. I must have walked almost 10 miles cumulatively, in addition to crunches, lifting weights, etc. I feel good - and THIS is what makes me horny and vulnerable to relapse. I don't relapse when I feel bad, otherwise I would have in the midst of all that depressive crap I wrote recently.

MO'ing last night felt awesome - I was so sensitive that it took maybe <30 secs to finish and had a huge O. However, it did ruin hard mode for me. No PMO, but MO is 2 out of 3. I don't know if I should reset my counter or not. No temptation to relapse today so far.


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #34 on: May 26, 2015, 05:36:02 PM »
And now the chaser effect reminds me of why MO'ing is still a bad idea, regardless of P or not.

My junk is tingly, even more sensitive to stimulation than last night, and feels 'full' somehow, like it could 'blast off' at any moment. Definitely discomforting.

I'll probably get a second counter for M just in case.


presson

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #35 on: May 27, 2015, 07:37:11 AM »
Hey man, good to see you're still staying the course. It looks like you're doing a good job rallying and getting back on track, so that's good to see. Keep it up!

freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #36 on: May 29, 2015, 07:55:59 PM »
Ok, I'm in trouble. I'm on the verge of relapsing and having to reset my counter. I've been MO'ing at least three times today and yesterday, each time while searching for sexual stuff, not P, online. (Do erotic stories count as P? If so, I have to reset my counter already.)

I need help. I need a favor from someone on here. That someone needs to create two email address accounts. DO NOT even tell me what service you use to create the second one. That second one will be known to you and you alone. That second email address will serve as the first's backup when prompted when you create the first email. I'm sorry if this seems overly complex, but I have no choice if I want to stay the course. I WILL figure out how to get around the barrier of multiple email accounts - I have before. I cannot possibly figure out how to get past the email barriers if I do not even know the existence of the second one serving as the backup for the first.

Here's how this will work, step-by-step:

1) Create a gmail or yahoo or some other webmail account. Again, DO NOT TELL ME WHAT SERVICE YOU USE.

2) Create a second gmail or yahoo or some other webmail account. This one I need to know so I can set it as the backup email for K9. Use this one as the backup for the email account in step 1).

3) I will install K9 on my laptop, using the email address from step 2) as the backup. (NOT THE EMAIL ADDRESS FROM STEP ONE. DO NOT TELL ME WHAT THAT IS.)

4) Once I have configured the settings, I will use a long, complicated password that I have no hope of ever figuring out. I will clear the copy-paste clipboard from my computer so I can't cheat using that.

5) Once I have cleared the clipboard, there should be no way that I can ever access the K9 settings so I can get around them.

That should do it. I'm sorry to ask this of you guys, but I will relapse again. Soon. I can feel it coming and I do not want to go there.


chameleon

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #37 on: May 30, 2015, 09:03:55 AM »
Life is hard. my life is hell. but we have to live our life. don't give up. stay strong in reboot. keep fighting. keep fighting for your life.
no one else gonna come and solve your problem. you have to be responsible and solve your problem.
i needed to hear this. Sometimes i feel a hand pulling me through the door.

I have plenty to be proud of but porn addiction has stomped on my sense of self, indentity And happiness. Sexual obsessions are litteraly trying to hijack my actions and focus.

Im trying not to react to all this disturbingly intimate crap.


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #38 on: May 30, 2015, 09:54:07 PM »
Too late.

First relapse in 76 days.

I knew it was going to happen as soon as I came home from work, which was at a wedding. Could not handle the feels. Just couldn't.

And now I'm back to zero.


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #39 on: May 31, 2015, 11:14:20 PM »
So now I installed K9.

Again.

This time, I used Yahoo Mail, which apparently makes you call customer service to recover a lost password, thank fucking God.

Maybe this time I won't be able to hack around it.

Still edged this morning. K9 isn't perfect.

P.S. Sorry, presson, I forgot that you had offered me a backup email address. In the heat of the moment, it's hard to remember things like that. Sorry again.


presson

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #40 on: June 02, 2015, 01:26:14 PM »
Don't worry about it. You had an excellent streak going, now is just a matter of getting back into the swing of things, and moving again in the right direction.

mtaha2015

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #41 on: June 02, 2015, 06:53:22 PM »
76 days is a excellent streak. no doubt about it.
get back on horse, and as I can see you have got back on horse.
good luck.

freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #42 on: June 03, 2015, 11:59:51 AM »
This is not going well. I have been binging for the past two or three days and I can't seem to stop. I hacked my way through K9, as I always do. I might have to get rid of my computer completely and use computers in public spaces if I want to stop. Or at least only use it in public spaces, but that raises the issue of it still being in my possession. I'll have to get rid of it. Which still leaves me in an awkward position.

I wish I had never discovered porn. I got rid of my tracker. I'll re-start it once I can go 24 hours without PMO.


DayByDay

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #43 on: June 05, 2015, 01:49:50 AM »
This is not going well. I have been binging for the past two or three days and I can't seem to stop. I hacked my way through K9, as I always do. I might have to get rid of my computer completely and use computers in public spaces if I want to stop. Or at least only use it in public spaces, but that raises the issue of it still being in my possession. I'll have to get rid of it. Which still leaves me in an awkward position.

I wish I had never discovered porn. I got rid of my tracker. I'll re-start it once I can go 24 hours without PMO.

Hey man, I am sorry to hear about your troubles recently. I believe what you are experiencing is one of the serious downsides to using a blocker. We can come to rely on them to much, to steer us away of any nude or porn related image. The truth is these images are everywhere in our everyday lifes. I know this may sound like a bit of an obvious question but have you tried just using your will power ? I only ask because even if you find your will power low right now it will grow and strengthen over time. This maybe more beneficial in the long run for you.

mtaha2015

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #44 on: June 05, 2015, 11:31:26 AM »
embrace the binge and porn as a part of reboot.
don't be too hard.

freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #45 on: June 06, 2015, 01:19:26 AM »
@DayByDay: I was going on willpower on my last 76-day streak, and it was working well, until it wasn't anymore. My binge is winding down, I think tomorrow will be the start of my next attempt to get clean.

@mtaha205: Thanks.


mtaha2015

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #46 on: June 06, 2015, 10:07:59 AM »
good.
start again.
that wasn't your failure.
it is your victory , you made to double digits.
congrats.

presson

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #47 on: June 08, 2015, 07:43:31 AM »
Hey man, hope you get back on track soon. Just be careful with the "I'll start tomorrow" mentality. It can be a slippery slope. I look forward to seeing you back in the game.

freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #48 on: June 10, 2015, 01:22:50 PM »
Okay, today might be the day. Looked at P, but lost interest in MO'ing to it during the session. I don't know whether I'm genuinely horny for a real, live lady or horny for the images on my screen. I should probably worry about not being able to tell the difference, but at this point, I just don't fucking care, because I don't think I'm ever getting laid anyway.

I'm re-starting my counter.


freefromwinternight

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Re: Starting over (again)
« Reply #49 on: June 11, 2015, 10:30:42 PM »
Wow. This is going well. Cannot make it through the first 24 hours.