Author Topic: Conquer. Personal Growth.  (Read 58855 times)

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Conquer. Personal Growth.
« on: March 11, 2014, 03:17:51 PM »
Hey Guys,

we don‘t know each other but we all have something in common: a problem with pornography. Since I don‘t have anyone to talk about this issue in real life, I decided to join this new forum - literally seen as a new chance. I want  to share my journey with all of you. I want to go through all ups and downs with all of you. But most importantly, I would like to encourage anyone here to fulfill his or her own goals and dreams, whether with regards to overcoming PIED or anything else in life. All of you.

First of all (you might have noticed it already), I want to mention that my first language is not english. I know that I should not explain myself all the time, but I want to show you some respect and let you know about that.

Some information about me

I am 22 years old, student. I am on a healthy diet, going to the gym five times a week for lifting heavy weights (competitive powerlifter), running three times a week and have two optional workouts a week (like swimming or bouldering). My body fat is a little bit too high at the moment, but I am losing weight right now (could already lose 10 pounds, which is much for a powerlifter). My social life could be better, but there are people around me, so nothing to worry about. No girlfriend, although I have a crush on a girl right now (and I feel that she‘s got a crush on me as well!). I am not depressed, actually pretty handsome (a normal dude, but I think I look and dress good, since I like classical men‘s fashion and have a nice viking-beard 8)), got an own flat (which is always tidy), excellent organization-skills (that‘s the reason why I have fix daily routines like taking cold showers and meditation with enough flexibility during the day), a good financial situation for a student, a bright future with regards to my career and a loving family. I am a warrior. I am determined. I am focused. And I am not doing any compromises with regards to my own happiness. Everything is fine. Well, everything? Not really.

I know about my issue for almost a year know. When I discovered yourbrainonporn.com by chance, I got my eyes opened. Nevertheless, I never solved the problem. I am watching porn on the internet since I am fourteen years old. In the beginning, it wasn‘t a high consumption, but it peaked at the age of 21, which was a pretty tough time in general. Just like Gabe however (much respect for you, man. Going public on youtube with your past is a pretty brave thing. I wish you all the best in life!), I discovered pornographic material earlier than this. Television and magazines have always been available for me. I never watched „weird“ things, threesomes and sometimes group-sex were the absolute maximum. The bad thing: I often clicked through different videos for an hour or so. Dopamin. I had no clue that things could get so bad. I could slap myself. In the face. With a chair.

So, what‘s my status quo?

I can get like 70-80% erections without watching porn. I also can get slightly aroused by looking at a woman I like. Spontaneous erection are rare, morning woods as well (but (!) I still have them). My libido is pretty low. Masturbating to fantasies without watching porn is also possible. All I want is a healthy sexuality. Important to know: I never had a girlfriend before. I am not a virgin, but I never met a woman I can fully trust. A soulmate, so to speak. I am losing interest in a woman very quickly, most of them are not attractive in a personal way. I don‘t have cravings to watch porn. I actually don‘t even think about it at the moment. I also don‘t have any flashbacks or picture or fantasies in my head. Not watching porn won‘t be the main problem for me the next time. But not masturbating will be indeed. I didn‘t watch porn for a couple of weeks know (didn‘t count, sorry) and haven‘t been masturbating since 8 days. I don‘t feel like I have to (flatline, I guess). My penis and testicles seem smaller.

What do I want to do in this forum? Why am I here?

Well, I just want to get rid of my ED. I know that it isn‘t going to be easy - but that‘s why I want to share my journey right here. My goal is to 1) solve my problems and 2) inspire other guys (and get inspired myself). Call me a philantrophic egoist or something. I think that the ED is one of my last hurdles to a truly happy life. As I said before, everything else is pretty good at the moment (of course there is always someting to be improved) and I am grateful to be blessed with talents and skills. The first goal is not to masturbate for 90 days. No compromises. No bullshit.

Here are some other personal goals I will mention in the journal:

- make the girl I have a crush on my girlfried (chances are good!)
- lose 23 pounds bodyweight (10 kilos)
- a good start for my master-program at university (I know that‘s not a „smart“ goal, but it‘s important for me)


And: CONQUER.


If you have any questions, please let me know. If there are sentences or words you cannot understand due to my language, feel free to ask. I want to encourage you to actively participate in my journal. I will to so in yours too whenever I have the time.

I‘m done.
« Last Edit: March 18, 2016, 02:23:12 PM by robust »

Gabe Deem

  • Administrator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 761
  • Personal Text
    I found out the soft way that porn is sex negative
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2014, 03:45:50 PM »
What's up robust,

Man first off I want to say you seem very intelligent and great at organizing your thoughts. Your English is fine bro. Thank you for the kind words as well I am glad you found the vids and this site. We will do our best to provide you with the support, encouragement and information you need to succeed.

Quote
I am on a healthy diet, going to the gym five times a week for lifting heavy weights (competitive powerlifter), running three times a week and have two optional workouts a week (like swimming or bouldering).

Awesome, sounds like you will have plenty to do to keep your mind off masturbating and something to pour your energy into. Finding replacement activities is key and you are well on your way to having a full schedule that will make masturbating look un-rewarding. I workout myself 6 days a week on average and it helps me in so many ways.

Quote
excellent organization-skills

haha I can tell by the structure of this post! Love it.

Quote
I am a warrior. I am determined. I am focused. And I am not doing any compromises with regards to my own happiness.

With that attitude you will succeed. Also, it is great you seem to have a firm grasp on the reality that PMO will not lead you to greater joy and pleasure, but will rob you of it. Understanding this at a physiological level was key for me staying away.

Quote
Masturbating to fantasies without watching porn is also possible

Well that is good news! I do not know for sure but hopefully since you are not as deep as others your reboot will not take months and months. However, with that said everyone is different and we need to prepare for the long haul. I thought I was going to be cured in 6-8 weeks, ended up taking 9 months. Be patient. Stay strong. You got this.

Welcome to Reboot Nation.

Much love
Twitter and Instagram @gabedeem

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2014, 04:09:18 PM »
Thanks, man. Let me say some words to your respond.


Quote
I am a warrior. I am determined. I am focused. And I am not doing any compromises with regards to my own happiness.

With that attitude you will succeed. Also, it is great you seem to have a firm grasp on the reality that PMO will not lead you to greater joy and pleasure, but will rob you of it. Understanding this at a physiological level was key for me staying away.


To be honest, that attitude comes from my sports and my nutritional patterns. Pizza or junk food, candy or ice cream won't make me powerful in the sense of performance. Neither in my sports, nor in my daily activities like studying. Instant gratification is not making you happy. You have to sacrifice yourself in short-term in order to be happy in long-term. I know that because I've gone through all that shit in my past already. But there will be the "point of no return". If I ate crap for like three days now, I would be unhappy as hell (which does not mean that I don't enjoy the good things in life right now. The dose makes the poison.).


Quote
Masturbating to fantasies without watching porn is also possible

Well that is good news! I do not know for sure but hopefully since you are not as deep as others your reboot will not take months and months. However, with that said everyone is different and we need to prepare for the long haul. I thought I was going to be cured in 6-8 weeks, ended up taking 9 months. Be patient. Stay strong. You got this.

Whatever it takes, man. Of course, I hope for a quick recovery. But life isn't about sprinting. It's a marathon. I've got plenty of time. And I know that I can reach the finish line. No, I can even go beyond it. 8)


By the way.. I want this journal to be as personal as possible (of course there will be restrictions - data on the internet etc.). But here's my song of the day:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkpvHLazNz8

Enjoy.

fcjl8

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 320
  • Personal Text
    I only share intimacy with my beautiful wife!
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2014, 04:40:24 PM »
Nice song! You are doing well young man... you are doing a very courageous thing , dealing with pmo addiction at a young age!

tkn0

  • Guest
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2014, 06:28:28 PM »
I dont know how this qoute system works, so Ill just write plain and simple.

Great to see a fellow heavy lifter in the forums, I am not a competetive powerlifter. But I train deadlifts, squats, shoulderpress and benchpress. Heavy weights, low reps mostly. So I feel we have a connection already!
Same age too, 1 year give or take.

I really feel ya bro what you are saying about junkfood, I am also very strict with my nutrition. I dont drink either, so I can get optimal results from my training, and not gain any weight, and I also feel that drinking puts me in a sort of, virtual reality. Where my feelings, actions and words are not pure.

This will be a peace of cake for you man, you seem to have a great deal of discipline, and a viking beard. Im jealous! haha.

I will also stick with you on this journey, trying to give some good advice as often as I can.

Much love mate, take care, and keep working those weights!

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2014, 12:06:38 PM »
Nice song! You are doing well young man... you are doing a very courageous thing , dealing with pmo addiction at a young age!

Thanks man. Now or never. Can't wait 'till I'm eigthy, can I? ;)

This will be a peace of cake for you man, you seem to have a great deal of discipline, and a viking beard. Im jealous! haha.

I will also stick with you on this journey, trying to give some good advice as often as I can.

Much love mate, take care, and keep working those weights!

Good to hear from you, dude. I'll be with you too. I didn't know the idiom "piece of cake". I'll remember that one. And yeah, I'll try my best. ;)

Let me say some words to the term "discipline". Going to the gym, eating the right things, studying, or let's say "getting things done" in general has nothing to do with discipline for me. It's more a kind of habit. And not even that. I don't "like" to do those things. It's much easier to watch porn and have a nice little pleasure. It's also delicious to bite in a piece of pizza. Or staying at home "chilling" (I hate that word - I never "chill"). I'll never get used to push myself harder and harder, I actually hate it (that's why a said: it's not even a habit). It causes fear. I don't want to load 400 pounds on my back, squatting it down. It could break my back. But I'm doing it anyway. The key to "discipline" is to set yourself a standard. It's your standard to eat a fresh apple each day? Or to take cold showers twice a day? Or hitting the gym five times a week? Yeah, you are right to do so. It's part of your own and free self-determination. And after you've set those standards for yourself, you have to go for them. Easy as can be. And it's even your job to do that. Pursue your dreams, your standards. Never be satisfied. Always raise the bar. Find out about the virtues you want to represent. And than get it done. I always wanted to be the hard-working guy who's above average. Courage, honor and effort are no unknown words for me. As I said in an earlier post. You will have to sacrifice many things in short term. But once you've reached the "point of no return" it's actually pretty easy to eat good, going to the gym, taking cold showers and so on. And yeah, that's a paradox: On the one hand, you don't "want" to do these things because life could be so much more comfortable. On the other hand, you have to push and challenge yourself in order to be the person you want to be. And this actually makes you happier. Same thing here. It would be so much easier just to masturbate. I don't do it. I've set myself a new standard (90 days without it) and I'm reaching for it now. No compromises. Otherwise I'd be a depressed fuck, sitting in my flat, alone and frustrated full of self-hate. Just for a short-term pleasure.


Anyways, good news today. I'm feeling alive down there. Just a little bit, but that's fine. Got an erection without touching me. Also a morning wood. Both like 50-60%, I guess. And some smaller cravings. I'm looking forward to get really horny, I need to challenge myself, dudes. Let me go through hell, it turns me on. 8) I also could observe some interesting thoughts/representations. Images of old porns came up into my head. I can't remember the newer stuff, but the movies and pictures I watched/looked at in my earlier "career" (14-16, I think). I don't stick with them, I can easily say "no" to them. Furthermore, I had a stripper dancing for me in my dreams last night. Not the worst dream. ;D

All in all, I'm in a good mood. Hit the gym, did some work for university. Calm, but nice day.

Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1RweGH6n80. Can somehow related to this stuff here. I love hardcore. 8)

One more thing to mention: "Life is like a squat. When something brings you down, get the fuck back up."

Done.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2014, 12:08:35 PM by robust »

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2014, 09:32:47 AM »
What's up, I'm back to make my entry. 8)

I'm bored right now, so I'll write it earlier than normal (it's afternoon here). I'm sitting on a term paper, which I have to hand in soon, but I'm not motivated to finsish it. I've written three pages in 40 minutes (my fellow students are always wondering how I can be that fast and also deliver high quality.. :)), and some more in the morning. The topic is so stupid, I swear.. Just one more page to finally bring it to the end.. Going to do that after I've written this post here.

Anyways.. Quite a beautiful day. Nice calm and present energy all the time, which keeps my attention and concentration on a constant level. Did some rope-jumping in the morning and a back-workout in the noon, which both were excellent. I had a nice dream again. I was in a pool with a naked woman, a little older than me. After I touched her back, I woke up. Had a pretty solid erection this morning and damn, I was horny. So I got up and took an extra long cold shower to nip the cravings in the bud. :D Until now, no more urges, no fantasies, no day-dreaming. I'll keep myself busy. Nevertheless, I feel a little bit of "life" down there, which is great in my opinion.

Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bj_cw0oPwNk. Good tune, love it. 8)

Weight is dropping slowly, by the way. My crush has no time at the moment, I can't see her. Makes me nervous in a way. I yearn for her.. But just a little bit. ;)

Until later. Done.

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2014, 02:14:54 AM »
Good Morning or whatever. ::)

I won't have time to post later this day, so I'm doing it right now. Actually, there's not much to say.. I'm sleeping like a baby at the moment and remembering my dreams is much easier (well, actually I do remember them now). A well-rested feeling is what I expierence every morning. Again, I had a pretty solid morning wood, which didn't want to disappear. :D That's tough, brothers. Could have been so easy to get "satisfied".. I guess that the hardest time of the day for me will be the morning in my warm bed after waking up. I will have to take care of it and pay much much much attention about this. I love challenges.. Civilize the mind, but make savage the body. Penis is still looking smaller, albeit healthier in a way. Glans is more sensitive (I normally don't touch it, but when it comes to wash it under the shower, I have to, of course), but also not as big as it used to be. I'm looking forward to achieve the full size, which I probably haven't seen for years now.

I've already found my song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA5nN65B_eg. 8)

In winter's silent white
In spring's golden light
In autumn's bloody red, autumn's bloody red

While winter's silent white and while spring's golden sunlight
The old wanderer walks, forevermore and evermore
The old wanderer walks while autumn's red, forevermore, evermore


Done.

PS: I'll probably be back on sunday. I'm awaiting a visitor. 8)


EDIT: By the way, one more things I forgot to mention. I always regarded myself as the (rather) introverted guy, who likes to stay at home. However, I feel that this is not true. I always socialized more or less (as I said: I do have a social circle), but in the last days I have the impression that I actually want to have people around me "all the time".
« Last Edit: March 14, 2014, 02:44:22 AM by robust »

tkn0

  • Guest
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2014, 06:12:31 PM »
Quote
I've already found my song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA5nN65B_eg. 8)

Nice song Robust, you should check out Wardruna. I think you may like them.

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2014, 08:55:36 AM »
I just found some time to post. Let's just put it in a nutshell: I'm moody. Even a little bit aggressive. And I don't feel like doing anything. Negativity is approaching me slightly, although my thoughts are clear and free. I didn't feel like this for a long time. I don't know myself like this, to be honest. No sports, since I've got a visitor. I'm trying not to show my emotions, everything seems fine, but in the inside - as I said -, there's a bad rotten mood.

Again, I had a solid morning wood. Penis and testicles are relaxed, but still smaller, which is fine for me.

To sum it up: I'M FUCKING GLAD THAT I'M FEELING MOODY. ;D Indicates progress, in my opinion. COME AT ME, BAD MOOD. :D

Done. See you soon, companions in misfortune. 8)

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #10 on: March 15, 2014, 08:56:13 AM »
Quote
I've already found my song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA5nN65B_eg. 8)

Nice song Robust, you should check out Wardruna. I think you may like them.

I'll check 'em out tomorrow. I won't forget. ;)

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2014, 06:02:17 AM »
Song of the day (thanks to my mate tkn0 - I didn't forget it!): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0PvZGVPiJU. 8)

When you stand at the gate of Hel
And when you have to tear free
I will follow you
[...]
You become free from the bonds that binds you!
You are free from the bonds that bound you!



Well, that was/is day 14 of the journey. Didn't masturbate for two weeks now, which is great. I don't even remember when I watched my last porn.. Should be four weeks ago or so.

The next paragraph might trigger something, so don't read further if you are horny and feel strong urges (no pornographic details or so.. Don't worry..).

The desire to just jerk it is growing. Especially in the morning. I don't even want to write about it. But when im laying in my bad and I've got the morning wood, it would be so easy to just do it. Well, I guess that I just have to confront this danger. Every. single. morning.. To be honest, I love the fact that I wake up and my friend is standing there to say good morning. :D Seriously. It's not 100% hard, yet. Of course it isn't. But I'm really looking forward to it. I'm grateful for every single progress, I swear. But still.. The desire is strong. And it keeps on getting stronger. But so do I. Slowly but surely this is getting a fight. I went out yesterday have diner. And there was that waitress. Her cleavage was deep and she leaned down to cashier. I feel alive, brothers. And I hope that this remains. I don't want to lose against urges out of carelessness or inattention.

So, how do I feel? Definitely more aggressive and short-tempered. This is not good. I'm trying to figure out how I can use these affections in order to transform them into something productive. However, I don't feel like doing anything. I want to be productive, but I don't want to act things out. That sucks. Uneasiness and unrest are the result. I feel regrets towards the people I've met the last days. I tried not to be moody, but it wasn't always possible. Furthermore, the desire to meet my crush is getting stronger. I want to see her, although I know that she doens't have time (seriously, she's damn busy right now). I said that she shall contact me, when she's got some leisure. In this case, waiting and patience suck. I must learn to trust. And to be more relaxed.

I'm going to break a deadlift-record today (single rep.). Normally, I wouldn't lift that heavy right now (it's not competition-season). I just want to get some results today. I'm ready. And I'm going to use that. I'll report. 8)

I feel solitude, man. In both positive and negative ways.

Done.

tkn0

  • Guest
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #12 on: March 16, 2014, 08:34:30 AM »

Quote
Well, that was/is day 14 of the journey. Didn't masturbate for two weeks now, which is great. I don't even remember when I watched my last porn.. Should be four weeks ago or so.
Congratulations man, and congratz to your milestone too.
You inspire me to keep going! with your support and regular posts.



Quote
The desire to just jerk it is growing. Especially in the morning.
I feel ya bro, mornings are a pain in the ass sometimes. Especially weekends were you dont have to get up for anything special. How are the nights for you?
Sometimes I have a really hard time sleeping because of the sexual thoughts in my mind and relaxing the urge to masturbate.

Quote
And there was that waitress. Her cleavage was deep and she leaned down to cashier.
Haha, oh man... these situations are just so damn funny. It feels like "god" is putting you to the test by presenting these kinda situations before you.
Try so see them as that, even if you dont believe in god... just think of it as a test anyways. Mother nature is testing you ;)

Quote
So, how do I feel? Definitely more aggressive and short-tempered.
I feel you, and I think I know the reason. Maybe.

In the past, you probably used PMO to mute the pain you felt inside, and now that you are withdrawing from this activity, the pain and emotions are coming up to the surface, and you are dealing with them. And that can make you more sensitive to situations around you in the outside world, making you irritated and sometimes aggressive.
Because you just dont have enough mental energy to deal with the outside world, when you are in a battle of your own, in your mind.

Quote
I'm going to break a deadlift-record today (single rep.). Normally, I wouldn't lift that heavy right now (it's not competition-season). I just want to get some results today. I'm ready. And I'm going to use that. I'll report. 8)
Good luck mate, tell us how it went.


tkn0

  • Guest
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2014, 11:07:45 AM »
Great Wardruna song btw, so much emotion.

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2014, 11:22:51 AM »
Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

Well, the mornings are the most difficult parts. I sleep like a baby, so the night is no problem for me. You're probably right to say that PMO used to be an outlet. I just hope that the mood is getting better again (at the best now..).

Some more thoughts.. The worst thing right now is that I have doubts with regard to the girl I like. Actually, everything is fine. And it is clear that we both like each other. But with every minute I don't see her, the self-doubts are becoming stronger. Without a rational reason. I honestly don't know how to cope with that. A couple of days ago, I was 100% sure about myself and the relation to her (however the outcome - friendship, partnership or whatever - would be). That stuff pulls me down too. It's so mad and senseless.

After my workout, I went to a forest with a good mate of mine. Since here is pretty good weather, it was quite enjoyable.

Concerning the deadlift: I failed. :'( :D

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #15 on: March 16, 2014, 03:12:47 PM »
Third post today, I'm not sure whether I have to apologize for that or not. :D Well, it's my personal journal, isn't it?

Mood swings of death, people. I sat around in my flat for hours and didn't have the drive to do anything. But somehow I managed to brainwash myself. I'm confident as I've never been before right now. I don't now what happenend. I took a shower, stepped out and felt like a - no, like the - man. Dammit, brothers. Do you remember the doubts I mentioned in the last post with regards to that girl? Blown away. Just in this moment, I am ready to conquer. And if I had to, I'd conquer the whole world (just kidding.. :D).

Seriously, guys. Two weeks, and I've been through more emotions than the last - let's say - two years. That's an important lesson. I feel alive. That means, I actually can feel alive. I'm starting to ask questions. I can see light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that being "depressed" is nothing I cannot overcome. Of course I've been more or less successful in what I'm doing. However, now I'm wondering what else I could achieve by pulling through these 90 days. Or even faaaaaar beyond these 90 days. Man, these 14 days didn't heal my addiction. Also, 90 days won't heal it. I'm about to substitute addictions. The old one is called porn, the new one is called growth. Suddenly, I am hooked. I tasted blood. And I want more. Much more. I want to quit the system, by not chasing my own tail anymore. Back home, there's a saying: to escape the hamster wheel.

I don't want to say that this journey here is fun. But despite all the harshness, it actually is. I could cry, brothers. Seriously. Both out of joy and despair. It's scary because of all the irritations. But this is better than running around like a zombie, man.

I took a long time writing this. After each sentence, I paused for a moment, wondering what great things could be achieved.

Thanks for this forum. I'm grateful.

Good night. Done.

tkn0

  • Guest
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #16 on: March 16, 2014, 06:07:11 PM »

Quote
Some more thoughts.. The worst thing right now is that I have doubts with regard to the girl I like. Actually, everything is fine. And it is clear that we both like each other. But with every minute I don't see her, the self-doubts are becoming stronger. Without a rational reason. I honestly don't know how to cope with that. A couple of days ago, I was 100% sure about myself and the relation to her (however the outcome - friendship, partnership or whatever - would be). That stuff pulls me down too. It's so mad and senseless.

I feel ya... girls, love, relationships take up alot of mental energy.
You sound alot like me, needing constant affirmation that everything is "on track", that she does like you. And when she's away, maybe not answering texts or calls. You begin to wonder what she is doing.
Correct me if I am wrong.
This is self esteem issues, have you had your heart broken before maybe?



Quote
Concerning the deadlift: I failed. :'( :D

No worries mate, atleast you tried. I know some people who dont even push themself up to a uncertain weight, cause they dont want to miss the lift.
But you have gone past that... you have already won. Even if you complete it or not.

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #17 on: March 17, 2014, 03:25:29 AM »
Yeah, women are my "special issue" in a way. :D Actually, I wouldn't say that I need constant affirmation, but in this case: yeah, I do. ::) And you're right, there was some trouble in the past.

Failing the deadlift isn't a big deal. Most of the time, the bar is winning against you. Business as usual. But that makes me a "professional" in my sports. Neither I'm afraid to fail, nor am I mad if I actually do. Also, I'm not euphoric when I win. I'm happy of course, but I know that the bar is probably winning the next workout again. There is no success, but there is also no failure (which doesn't mean that I don't feel emotions, of course).

I had a hard night. Woke up several times. I had a dream (a pretty long one, I guess), where I had to fight against a snake (no pun intended). It was me or her. I managed to grab her on the head (:D) but she fought on. I could've been bitten by her all the time. Finally, I made it and threw her out of my window (the scene was in my flat, although the apartment looked a little bit different). Why the heck is one throwing a snake out of a window? :D Please stop trolling me, brain. :) Exhausted, I finally woke up - ironically with a boner.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2014, 03:28:03 AM by robust »

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer. 1/6
« Reply #18 on: March 17, 2014, 11:55:13 AM »
What's up, I hope you guys are fine today.

The day is drawing to an end, although I've still got some stuff to do. I don't know how to describe this monday, to be honest. As I've written, I didn't sleep so well and that's why I took an nap around noon. After that, I had it pretty easy. Nothing special happend, my mood was - let's call it - normal. But as soon as I left my flat to go to the gym, I experienced something like a natural high. I stepped out of the door and my neighbor greeted me suspiciously friendly (not sure if.. :D). The warm sunbeams reached my skin and I just wanted to lift heavy things. Which I did of course (benchpress-day). 8) After that, we flipped a 660 pounds tire. It was too easy. I don't know what happened, brothers. I just wanted to move. If I had to travel to the moon and move countries, I would have done it. I wasn't exhausted at all, so I ran for another hour. I'm living close to a river, so I headed for it and ran like 6,5 miles. Thinking wasn't necessary. My mind and thoughts were clear, as if I was running in a meditation. My endurance seemed to be improved a lot (althoug it wasn't a hard run anyway..). Now I'm sitting here and writing this text, I calmed down. However, victory is mine today. 8)

One question though. While running, I felt a little bit of "pressure" in my urethra. I kind of burning, as if something (I guess some liquid, of course) wanted to get out. It's hard to describe in a foreign language, but I hope you can understand my concern. Any idea what this could be and if so, is there anything to do about it?

I never want to go back to that destructive crap called porn. I swear, brothers. And as I swear here, I also promise not to fail these 90 days. I'll cut the word "failure" from my vocabulary.

By the way.. 1/6 (15 out of 90 days) is done. 8)

I feel like just calling that girl. Dammit. We're not 14 anymore.

Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSemARaqGqE. I love centipedes. 8)

All the best, guys. Done.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2014, 12:00:37 PM by robust »

tkn0

  • Guest
Re: Conquer.
« Reply #19 on: March 17, 2014, 05:58:07 PM »
Third post today, I'm not sure whether I have to apologize for that or not. :D Well, it's my personal journal, isn't it?

Quote
Do you remember the doubts I mentioned in the last post with regards to that girl? Blown away. Just in this moment.
Did she say anything?

Quote
Back home, there's a saying: to escape the hamster wheel.
By quiting porn, you are escaping the hamster wheel in a way.
I was just at the gym, and they played a Eminem song where they sing about sex in every way shape and form, and hookers. "I get more ass than a toilet seat", that song. And I was like... jesus fucking christ. No wonder porn is infiltrating the mainstream, its fucking everywhere... no wonder girls only feel they are worth something if they have sex with a bunch of dudes, the minds of the youth nowadays is being totally destroyed. This forum is like a gift from heaven for us seeking true happiness and love.
You are strong my friend, you are going to be more pure and true then most other people out there. You are already.


tkn0

  • Guest
Re: Conquer. 1/6
« Reply #20 on: March 17, 2014, 06:02:08 PM »
Quote
I never want to go back to that destructive crap called porn. I swear, brothers.
I am so happy for you man, I feel we are on the same page... it seems you have gotten past those days of "is this really going to work?"
The thoughts of going back to PMO now, just seems like darkness. Why the hell do I want to go back to that? you feel the same?

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer. 1/6
« Reply #21 on: March 18, 2014, 03:29:42 AM »
Quote
I never want to go back to that destructive crap called porn. I swear, brothers.
I am so happy for you man, I feel we are on the same page... it seems you have gotten past those days of "is this really going to work?"
The thoughts of going back to PMO now, just seems like darkness. Why the hell do I want to go back to that? you feel the same?

Yeah, success seems to be the only option now. It's like waking up out of the matrix, man. Going back would mean to deny myself. I don't want to live a lie.

Partingglass

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 31
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer. 1/6
« Reply #22 on: March 18, 2014, 08:30:13 AM »
I just wanted to say that seeing your story has inspired me to really figure my problem out and start healing.  I am very similar to you in many ways and knowing there is someone out there like me after I have spent years feeling like I was abnormal is such an relief. I will post my story soon. Keep strong brother, I am gonna send you some strength and I hope you send me some too

robust

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 290
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer. 1/6
« Reply #23 on: March 18, 2014, 10:37:20 AM »
I just wanted to say that seeing your story has inspired me to really figure my problem out and start healing.  I am very similar to you in many ways and knowing there is someone out there like me after I have spent years feeling like I was abnormal is such an relief. I will post my story soon. Keep strong brother, I am gonna send you some strength and I hope you send me some too

Damn, brother. That hits me deep. I'm expierencing a huge amount of compasion and I don't know why. It's just so nice to realize that I "moved something". You Sir, you made my day. 8) I'm looking forward for your journal. It's and affair of honor for me to participate. You don't have to "hope" for my support, I'll be as supportive as possible. For now, let me give you one tip, man. Regarding yourself as "abnormal" is quite is nice thing, bro. But put it into a positive frame. Don't look back telling yourself that you were awkward, creepy or whatever. Don't do that. Look forward, right into the future. Tell yourself that you actually want to be abnormal. How many guys can overcome and addiction? Not too many, man. Most guys with an addiction (sorry, but I want to be honest now) will relapse over and over again and never become clean. Most guys fail (of course not the people here in this forum - all of you are strong ;)). With regards to their addiction, with regards to their lifes, their finances, their jobs, their relationships. That's my view of the world. Not being normal by overcoming and doing something that others can't accomplish now seems attractive. This mindset keeps me going every single day, no matter what I do. Being standard or normal would be my death (you won't be above average in all categories in life, but you will be in those you put work, effort and talent in. And you need a huge amount of luck too..). So please, never become that normal guy. Be the one who conquers. Be a predator. 8)

Which brings me to my entry for today.

Penis and testicles unchanged. Still a little smaller than usual. But I think there is color coming back to the glans. I didn't sleep well. Slight morning wood. Urges in the morning. All in all, today didn't differ from the last days. Not masturbating becomes natural, I think. I'm looking forward for further experiences.

I went to a mall to buy some stuff I needed. Every store that I entered and every store that I left was not the same as it has been before. Of course this is just a feeling/impression of mine, but whenever I entered, the whole damn room got smaller. ;D Talking to shop assistants now became easy and even pleasant (I never had issues to talk to people, but the way I feel about it has obviously changed). Damn, there are more nice people out there than I thought. :D There are no "magical superpowers", mates. But you will definitely feel better with yourself. Furthermore, being naked is more comfortable (of course not in the mall 8)). In my flat, I could walk around naked all day long. And no, I'm not writing this post naked. 8) And yo, another thing, mates. You won't guess it, but gras is truly green. Man, I don't know why but everything seems so colorful now. The blonde hair of some girls now.. Just like the blooming wheat on our fields.

By the way: I didn't eat any junkfood for exactly one month now. I never ate much and I'm not going to abstain from the good stuff in life. However, there's no reason for me to eat a pizza or something like that right now. If you're interested read about the Warrior Diet by Ori Hofmekler. Or Intermittent Fasting in general. I'm following this diet for a long time now. That's one of the best things ever happened to me.

No sports today. I'm reading about "Love". Richard David Precht - Love. Philosophy of mind. Nice stuff. I don't know whether this book is available in english.

Thursday, the 1st of April, I want to be under 220 pounds bodyweight.

Life sucks, guys. But you can make the best out of it. Accomplish and conquer. Be afraid.

Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsO3sN4Xp5Y. Some r'n'b. He sings about his love to music, not about that girl in the clip. Kinda irritating.

I'm Done.


Edit: More than 100 members on this board. Nice. Keep on working, Gabe. 8)
« Last Edit: March 18, 2014, 10:41:58 AM by robust »

Gabe Deem

  • Administrator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 761
  • Personal Text
    I found out the soft way that porn is sex negative
    • View Profile
Re: Conquer. 1/6
« Reply #24 on: March 18, 2014, 10:54:10 AM »
@robust
Quote
Intermittent Fasting in general. I'm following this diet for a long time now. That's one of the best things ever happened to me.

Dude... Intermittent fasting helped me gain so much discipline last year as well as cut down to 5% body fat. Did you know that intermittent fasting has been shown to increase dopamine (D2) receptors, which could suggest an increase in motivation.

Study:http://www.bnl.gov/thanoslab/Thanos%20PDF/ZuckerD2_2007.pdf

Keep up the journal man, as well as staying busy with other healthy things, your doing great.
Twitter and Instagram @gabedeem