Author Topic: Has your view of your girlfriend/wife changed (positive/negatively) with No Porn  (Read 2741 times)

mrcicero

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Hi all,
I'm going to ask a question that I'm afraid to ask. If you've been keeping up with my journal, you know that I'm on Day 49 and that I've been writing about a change in my masculine energy and also about some small conflicts with my girlfriend.

I want to know if any of you, in going through the Hard 90 and giving up porn, have found yourself thinking of your girlfriend/wife in a different way?

I don't want to give too much of it away. But I'll say this: while a lot of guys do this to get closer to their girlfriends, inevitably the change in energy will cause some to go the other way.  Any experience with this? 

Many thanks! -Cicero

KarmaPolice

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I'm about 40 days into my journey and I was a total a hole the first about 10 days due to withdrawals.  Since then, I've been so much more patient and communication has been excellent.  I objectify her much less than I did with P.  Taking it slow and learning to enjoy her lips, kiss, touch, cuddle, arms, legs etc gives me a whole new perspective on her.

I'm also a father of two young boys and my relationship with them has been way better as well.    I've been more patient,  listen to them,  play with them more and have learned to enjoy the moment.  I can tell my kids love me more and it breaks my heart I've lost so many years "reacting" and just "getting through" the moment versus actually experiencing and responding to the present. 

jkkk

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Totally yes.

It has a profound effect on the way I perceive my wife. The communication is much better, there is more fun, more laughing. I  enjoy her company co much more.

There is also a change with regard to sexual attraction. A kind of alignment between non-sexual feelings of love and intimacy with a need for sexual expression in that renewed perspective.

Maxime

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I've been with my girlfriend for a very long time now, and I think I've objectified her a bit during the last years. This has definitely changed.
I also feel like I'm feeling a renewed interest in her in a general sense. Overall, very positive change.

Fra888333

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hello Cicero, if I understand, while the hoped outcome of refraining from PMO is an improvement also in the relationship, you experience somewhat the opposite. I don't have any certainties, but I feel myself that refraining from PMO doesn't make everything better with my girlfriend immediately, I simply keep hoping it will eventually. What makes me most ashamed now, really loaded with shame and feeling inadequate and worthless, is to be more attracted to other girls, often. Porn, and (places with) many beautiful girls just attract me in a powerful overwhelming way. I can't seem to give up wanting them all. My girlfriend is just splendid, and I want to become worthy of her, but the way just doesn't seem easy at all.
Do any of the things I wrote match your, or anyone's experience? It's a burning topic to me.

mrcicero

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Hi all,
Interesting responses.  Mostly positive improvements in quality of relationship. 

But I was thinking about this differently...

No PMO has made me more sexually assertive with my girlfriend since I'm not expending my sexual energy on PMO, so that would appear to be a positive....

However, here's the wrinkle. Now that I'm focusing my entire sexual energy on my girlfriend, whereas before I didn't much, I'm now starting to wonder whether she is the right sexual partner for me.  I think I chose my girlfriend, during a time of a lot of porn, mostly by how cute/nice/friendly she was, regardless of sexual interest/compatibility. After all, I got my rocks off on porn and fake girls, not a real one.  Now that my entire sexual focus is on her, I'm starting to see my relationship more sexually.  I definitely don't objectify her, and I don't have any odd sexual fantasies or fetishes.  But I'm simply starting to see a girlfriend not only as a friendly companion, but as a sex partner.  And that makes me reevaluate what I'm looking for in a relationship. I'm not saying I'll break up with her, but it's really given me pause about what I want in a mate.

No one has had the same thoughts?

jkkk

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Should I be honest?

OK. I will.

My view: the dopamine addiction is negotiating with you. You associate sex with dopamine release, which thrives on novelty and extremes and shock.

Now you're putting that perspective - with the closure of the dopamine outlet in P and M - on your girlfriend. You say you're not objectifying your girl, but, trust me, you are. And no blame for you. If you are here and you see yourself as an addict, as many guys here, and myself included, then you're an addict and these are just symptoms.

I had totally the same thoughts about my wife. Now believe me, it's difficult to list out all the things that are wrong in this approach, but let me start with a few:

- addicts get used to instant dopamine gratification; talking sex over with a real person is a challenge and improving the experience needs time

- we are sexually switched off in the relationship with our partners; then we switch on and expect that things will be great from day one at our will

- we're used that sex mainly elevates dopamine, so we have no use for intimacy in sex; real sex is about intimacy and has practically nothing to do with looks

- we're used to perfect bodies; there are no perfect bodies in real life

- we're used to many; settling for one is a challenge

You might think that I'm patronizing. But please don't think so. I'm grateful that you wrote this message, because in your words I see my thoughts as well. And I had and have a hard time working with those matters. I didn't have a sex life before or during the addiction. Addiction become my sex life. So I'm building on scorched earth.

I've just totally been (and partially am, I cannot say I closed those issues down) through. I'll tell you more. If you'd got back to PMO, those thoughts would go away! PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT. Take my word for it. Now that's f**** up, isn't it? That's what really the addiction does to us.

If you chose your gf on cute/nice/friendly then you chose her on the best grounds possible. That's what counts in life. There might be work to do on your sex life, there might be things to discuss, but the biggest brunt of work is on us. Cos it is really us who have a problem. You will think many times that it's her, but... according to my experience, it's just not true.

Janson2015

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Positively. More intensely attracted. No unrealistic expectations now.


"Know in your soul like your blood knows the way from your heart to your brain, know that you're whole." -Hedwig and the Angry Inch

HumbleRich

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The short and concise answer: yes, the way I think about my fiancee has improved significantly and tremendously!  I see her as a human being, with her own thoughts, feelings, perspectives.  When I was PMOing I knew that she was all of these things, of course, but I ignored it and pushed and pushed and pushed, getting my way. 

I am beginning to learn that I don't always get my way.  Often, she doesn't want what I want, want to do what I want her to do.  And I don't need her to.

She is her own woman and I love her for it.

The objectification has taken much longer.  I still have objectifying thoughts too often.  When she comes to bed, I too often think about why she wears a hoody to bed, instead of a nightie.  Just the other day I wished she wore a bra that showed off her "assets" more.

The difference is I instantly know that these thoughts are wrong now.  And I don't express them anymore.  I keep them to myself when I think them.  There is no reason for them to affect her.  Especially since I know that these thoughts are the result of my porn use. 

The porn set up an expectation: that women should show lots of cleavage to show off their breasts.

Rationally I know that my fiancee doesn't like showing off, except for the purpose of exciting me before sex.  Besides that, she doesn't even show off for me.  That is simply who she is, and with each day of my reboot I become more accepting of that.

Best

Chaos Mind

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Totally yes.

It has a profound effect on the way I perceive my wife. The communication is much better, there is more fun, more laughing. I  enjoy her company co much more.

There is also a change with regard to sexual attraction. A kind of alignment between non-sexual feelings of love and intimacy with a need for sexual expression in that renewed perspective.

Exactly this!

I strongly believe that although I never asked her to leave my room she must have felt un-welcome when I wanted to PMO. Now I spend much less time in front of the PC and that allows for more quality time with my partner. I feel much more attracted to her and my increased libido makes sex more enjoyable for both of us. Communication has not changed really. Still I have strong urges for other women - something that has always been a part of me and might even stay forever. It makes it hard for me to stay faithful, but I have never failed so I know it's possible.

On the other hand I can totally see the possibility that a relationship suffers. Your view on your partner is bound to change when you quit virtual stimuli. You see her under a different light. It's a more total...a full view. You see clearer than before. But that does not necessarily mean that it strengthens your love.

Imagine a scenario where someone is in a pro-forma relationship. All he cares about is how to get his next PMO fix. He has a girlfriend...because. He's not alone and everbody has one. Once this person quits PMO he opens his eyes and finds that he has a relationship with a woman he is not attracted to. How could he have known before when he was not attracted to ANY woman around him?

I am not saying that this is exactly what happens with you, because I don't know your story.

I understand that you are worried, but you don't need to be. No matter what the future will bring, it will lead you to the right decisions. Give your gf a chance and stay with her in this troublesome times. The longer you stay away from P, the clearer you'll see. And at some point you will make the right decision - whatever that may be in the end.
« Last Edit: April 09, 2015, 01:26:50 PM by Chaos Mind »
~ Subconsciousness is the key to sort the chaos in our mind ~

A collection of techniques to deal with the addiction: read, discuss & add your own ideas

mrcicero

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Very interesting points all of you guys bring up, and a lot of food for thought.  I'm glad I asked the question. It's enlightening to hear such strong positive opinions all around.  All I can say is Thanks. I'm going to take the feedback to heart.

Cicero

mtaha2015

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my views about girls, women are these.
waste of time
waste of energy.
you lose your blood and energy when you ejaculate for women.
difficult to handle
stressful


I never had sex in my life though , but still I am not interested in sex or women, I just don't want PMO in my life.

although I am attracted to women a lot. attraction of women is my weakness.

attraction of women made me porn addict.
but it brings more pain in life then joy.

Maxime

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I think you are being a little excessive, mtaha.
And what's with that loss of blood thing?
And women shouldn't have to be "handled".
Women are no more complicated than men.
The day we can predict another person's actions without doubt, or manage to understand how someone else feels, is not near.
Also, if you've never had sex, I doubt you can judge how useful/useless sex is :/

mtaha2015

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The guy who use to write sexual encounters and sex fantasies on paper, was the guy who never had any sex or intercourse in his life.
I forgot his name, but it is the part of history.

Chaos Mind

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I agree with Maxime here.

Sexuality is one of the nicest things in life. A life without love and sex is a wasted life. You can learn to live without, but it's bound to leave scars in your mind at some point - because that's how we are programmed.

Honestly I disagree with every single line of mtaha2015's post, I'm afraid. But I know it's his opinion and I am okay with that. Just one thing I'd clearly reject:

Quote from: mtaha2015
attraction of women made me porn addict.

You can't blame the other sex for something that is clearly your fault. The statement sounds like it comes from the Dark Age O.o
We are all porn addicts because of our lack of self control. Because we couldn't find a balanced state. If everyone thought the way you do, the human race soon would be extinct.
~ Subconsciousness is the key to sort the chaos in our mind ~

A collection of techniques to deal with the addiction: read, discuss & add your own ideas

mtaha2015

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hahaha .
it's not dark age. it is modern age. computer age. but it is a dark life. lol
human race is not in danger because of my comments and thoughts, but it might be in danger if WW3 broke out.

I am not against sex or creating other human beings. due to my circumstances ,I just don't like relationships or you can say maintaining relationship. And I think those beautiful whores in porn industry are equally responsible for my addiction. attraction of women has made me porn addict. I restate that. this is a fact of my life. I wish I had no sexual feelings for girls.

porn industry , actors  in porn industry all are responsible for suffering of people.

We are just victims, we were young, and we were sexually trapped into porn .

Chaos Mind

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And how's the connection between internet porn and ww3? Frankly, I am puzzled about the way you think. But I do wish to understand your motivation, seriously.

Also, let's accept your attitute towards porn actresses. If it's equally their fault that you are in the situation where you are right now...what exactly is your benefit of quitting? I'd like to think that there is material out there which isn't doing any good for me. And now that I am >100 days porn free I feel like I have grown stronger, because I have defeated my own addiction. It was my fault, but I erased the mistakes of my past. That's my motivation. What's yours?
~ Subconsciousness is the key to sort the chaos in our mind ~

A collection of techniques to deal with the addiction: read, discuss & add your own ideas

mtaha2015

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my motivation is to cure my addiction and reach a state where I no longer desire porn, masturbation , orgasm or sex.
A kind of superman state.

Maxime

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When you realize those girls are as much victims, if not more, as you are, then maybe you'll stop blaming other people for your problems.
This is also a necessary step in your recovery, I think.