Author Topic: FlyPhoenix Journal  (Read 45393 times)

FlyPhoenix

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FlyPhoenix Journal
« on: March 30, 2015, 04:45:51 AM »
Hi There,

I have about 42 days clean from PMO, porn, M, MO today.

For over 20 years, progressively, I have developed an extreme addiction to porn which led to massive amount of trans porn and a lot of trans escorts, plus females.

I have 444 days clean and sober today, after 15 years of an increasingly desperate and nightmarish drug and alcohol addiction.

Sex addiction plus addiction to substances was the perfect storm that led to me being infected with glandular fever in 2012, got clean 8 months before relapsing on everything.

In 2014, I sobered up after an infection of Hepatitis B, ended up very ill for about 2,5 months, with two stays in hospital, first for 7 days then after not getting well, another stay of 10 days.

I have been struggling to get a handle on the porn addiction which, at certain points, had me down on my knees and contemplating visiting a prostitute and drinking and using again.

Thank God I didn't do any of those things, because there would really be no turning back from that. I have lived a very dark life and sometimes I fear that I will be plunged in that again with all its consequences, but as I stay clean that slowly calms down.

I am sober today and striving to be a good person to my friends and family, a good worker at my company, a good citizen to my country and kind to myself.

My goal is to reduce anxiety levels in myself, increase self-confidence, manage emotions in a healthy way and approach relationships with a spirit of contribution rather than need and selfishness.

I also want to heal my sexuality and ability to be sexual, but also to be able to be emotionally intimate and affectionate and loving. My goal is to be able to express myself, verbally, creatively, physically and spiritually to my fullest potential.

Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2015, 09:09:09 AM »
31 March 2015:

Last streak before my Valentines day slip was 42 days. Today, I am 45 (31 + 14 = 45) days abstinent from addictive sexual behaviour.

I think the fact that I hit this point last time and am here again is part relief and part fear because I realise that I have to solidify my recovery program further to ensure that I am not in the same position and can progress emotionally.

I feel I can tackle things more effectively as I grow in this recovery, especially relationships. Wonderful, continue to pray and write here, grow and strive to enhance the quality of my relationships.


Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

benhj

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2015, 01:58:23 PM »
Welcome to the forums FlyPhoenix! Sounds like you've hit rock bottom a number of times.. definitely sounds like you're in the right place :-) I find these forums to be so damn helpful; the collective experience and support is tremendous. Keep on keeping on and keep coming back!

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2015, 03:29:02 PM »
Thanks Benhj, yeah I've been down in the dumps plenty, as I'm sure many of us here have, and now clawing my way back inch by inch.

I realised today how precious life is from an encounter that I had with a homeless person. I look at him and wondered how many people, as a result of living in the streets, would not make it to the morning.

It got me to realise how fortunate I am in the life I get to live and what a great opportunity I have to make something great out of it.

There are people whose job it is to count the number of people who just don't make it past today and I don't want to be another statistic. At least I don't want to disappear in misery.

I want to fulfill my dreams, marry the woman of my dreams and leave a lasting impression on the world, something I never even bothered to believe that I deserved in the past. I had become resigned to having second best while also taking others for granted.

Today I want the best for myself, but also for others in the world, as lofty as that may sound. Thankful right now to have a shower and a warm bed to sleep in, about to say my prayers and turn in.
Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

benhj

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2015, 12:14:26 PM »
Really awesome words my man. Really reminds me of everything I have to be grateful for! Keep coming back!

tbriana01

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2015, 08:58:26 AM »
Your story is inspiring.  The world is vast, an full of positive experiences just waiting for you to find them.  Being down in the dumps is part of this, think.  I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster with this.  But it gets better.  Everyday without succumbing addictive behavior is a victory.  Keep it up.


FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2015, 11:15:30 AM »
Benhj, yes I spent many years with a sense of entitlement and resentment, things I still struggle with today, it's good to remember the things that are worth being thankful for, even the small things we take for granted.

TBriana01, thanks man, I fully agree, we have to unfortunately go through trials in order to gain freedom, a test of our character and faith.

I had a great day with my nephew, niece and cousin, spent a day at the park talking and playing. We had an chat about religion vs spirituality as well as political campaigning vs real social change. I suppose the superficial institutions or practices are more about campaign to influence others while the more intrinsic systems are about changing ourselves.

There's a girl I've been thinking about recently, we have been spending time together and communicating on text and phone. I told her I like her and she said she feels the same way, but I'd scared because I don't really know what to do next, as I don't want to put my recovery at risk by putting pressure on myself.

I suppose I'll just pray on this and take it one day at a time..
Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

benhj

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2015, 12:39:03 PM »
It's good to pray on stuff. Thanks for reminding me of that. I've been feeling resentful over some work issues I know I just need to let go..

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2015, 02:40:50 PM »
Building a resentment against my mother, I to address that with a step 10 exercise.

Otherwise, I feel blessed. Had an SAA meeting first thing this morning, one of the most powerful this on a Saturday. Just has an AA meeting and looking forward to serving at my place of worship tomorrow.

Did my readings and now closing off positively. Yes, there remain certain fears, resentment and doubt, but I continue to seek for the right things to do, chipping away at the ego and opening my heart to the world.
Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

benhj

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2015, 04:35:20 AM »
Good stuff FlyPhoenix! Keep on keeping on!

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2015, 02:07:43 PM »
Just came back from a great outing with a bunch of my cousins and their kids, don't have my own.

Previously I wouid have felt very out of place, but as I go deeper into recovery, while some feelings of inadequacy come up, I feel much healthier. I'm spending time with the people I love and giving myself a break, not dwelling on the negativity.

They all started to drink liquor, so it was a bit rough for me being an addict. So I decided to take a walk in a nature reserve, watched birds and later bats.

I came back, played with the kids, and joined the conversation again. It all made me think of this girl I've been seeing.. I think I'll spend time with her next week, will call her tomorrow.

Still struggling with some resentment towards my mother, but I see it's not so serious, will write about it and move on, haven't made time yet.

Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

benhj

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #11 on: April 05, 2015, 03:13:06 PM »
It's great how much better connected with people we feel during recovery isn't it :-) Good to get those resentments down on paper too!

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2015, 02:22:56 AM »
Awesome weekend, spent it with family and my 6yo nephew who is in town and staying with me, I practically raised the kid from babyhood, haha! It was great spending time with the little guy, him coming into my life 6 years ago probably went a long way to saving my life, at a time when I was in the darkest depths of my addictions.

Now having him back is a great relief from the pressure, bought him a bicycle yesterday and spent the afternoon assembling it in the sun.

I'm back at work after a really restful weekend and ready to do what I need to here at work and to explore my vision as it will be revealed to me through prayer and meditation. I'm not naïve I need to plan and map our my life, I need to do introspection and chart my journey.

But the more I walk the path of recovery, I realise that I don't know what He looks like, or how He works, but I know God is there and He loves me and guides me.

Have a great one guys, we in this together.
Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

benhj

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2015, 02:55:11 PM »
Thanks for the share FlyPheonix. Its a good reminder that we're in this together! Also your words on prayer and meditation reminded me of somebody else who once shared that recovery is like a spiritual journey.. I like the idea of it being a spiritual journey. It makes the whole process feel less militant to me, and somehow 'easier'. Not easy. But easier, at least.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #14 on: April 08, 2015, 03:13:15 PM »
Some wise words from a friend in one of my SAA groups:

Acting-out can provide instant pleasure. However, acting-out will dissolve your sense of self until you have no personality left. The pleasure it provides is hollow - it comes from OUTSIDE of yourself, outside of the dimension of genuine pleasure which is the PLEASURE OF DISCOVERING AND BUILDING YOURSELF. Quick fixes never work - they are indeed quick - quick to come, quicker to leave, and certain to leave you feeling more desperately empty than before. Every superficial quick-fix cheapens you, depresses you, and damages your self-esteem. Every superficial quick-fix prostitutes your deeper self, sells out your deeper potential, and in a very deep sense, kills you.
Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

benhj

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #15 on: April 08, 2015, 03:37:07 PM »
I like that. Acting out definitely has the power to kill (me). God willing one day at a time, I can make the choice to do something good instead :-)

NotAnOption

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #16 on: April 10, 2015, 07:03:27 AM »
Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm lost in my reboot past 10 days, no motivation and I relapsed a couple of times. I found strength today to read some threads in the forum. Yours has come up with good resonance and your words on the positive action and thinking motivated me to continue with my reboot. Keep up with your sharing. Thank you!


FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #17 on: April 10, 2015, 07:28:20 AM »
Thanks man, that means a lot. I've personally relapsed countless hence my intensive program.

When I heard people saying "relapse is a part of recovery" I started to seek lessons from each of my relapses, especially to listen to other people sharing and work a serious programme of recovery.

We're in this together man, stay strong and remember, as the withdrawal fades, life will return, that's what keeps me going..
Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #18 on: April 12, 2015, 01:17:24 PM »
I've been studying self defence for many years and my body has become a hard machine capable of amazing things, if I say so myself :)

Even when I fell ill last year and lost 20kg, my knowledge of the body and the training methods, including the stretching and breathing enabled me to regain my strength more.

I thought that my physical strength was enough to enable me to handle life, but when my addictions took me to my knees I was forced to look a bit deeper.

I was forced to surrender and humble myself. While my outer body was very strong I found that inside I was quite weak. So I submitted myself to recovery and wisdom of others more experienced in dealing with it.

Now I find that my inside state is catching up to my outer strength. Ironically as I gain more recovery my training in self defence is taking off, the gifts of recovery, but this part of my life is no longer the only good thing in my life.

It seems relationships are healing and my professional life and my relationship to God is also growing, in fact it is the foundation of my recovery.

Thanks to all you guys here who provide insight and encouragement. I sometimes envision God is the totality of all that is, and things such as these forums are the internal immune system for deadly diseases such as pornography and sex addiction, which threatens to destroy the whole.

This is what I mean when I always say we are in this together. We are part of the solution in the face of the madness of high speed internet porn.
Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

Sanju

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #19 on: April 12, 2015, 03:35:50 PM »
It's always encouraging to read things like this.  We all know it's for the better to leave porn behind us, but it's also nice to hear specifically how it is helping people heal their lives.  Sounds like you're doing great - keep up the good work! 

In your previous post, you also said that relapse was part of recovery and it's important to learn from it and move on.  That was very helpful for me today because I relapsed yesterday after a 27 day streak.  Disappointed - yes, but I did learn something from it.  Looking back on the chain of events that led up to it, it was completely avoidable and I consciously put myself in a situation where I knew I would be exposed to some triggers thinking that I would just ignore them or will power my way through.  That was a mistake.  I realize now that some additional sacrifices will need to be made in order to protect my vulnerability.  Not an easy thing to do, but totally worth it. 

Thanks for sharing.  Cheers,
« Last Edit: April 13, 2015, 12:07:11 PM by Sanju »

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #20 on: April 13, 2015, 04:07:35 AM »
Wow, that's really awesome man. I think, after all these (emotionally) debilitating relapses I've experience over the past 12 months, I need to go even further and ask myself where my program can be improved, even before the relapse happens.

Even if I am working an intensive program, I believe that something could always be tweaked to improve effectiveness, not just to heal from porn addiction, but to also to grow spiritually.

Sitting in a meeting last night I heard the most powerful message about the "The Often Underestimated Power of Consistency". While the speaker spoke about consistency in doing the things that lead to success in various areas of our lives, I think it goes deeper again.

I think it's about being consistent in how we respond to our feelings and to upsetting events, about being consistent in our thoughts and consistent in how we treat ourselves and others.

It has been a hard lesson for me to learn, but I do my best to stay humble enough to listen when people point out my inconsistencies.

Have a great week!
Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #21 on: April 15, 2015, 01:52:19 AM »
Making some progress in my various relationship, have a bit of resentment towards the woman who sits next to me, our new divisional head; she eats at her desk, things like boiled eggs, but she's been recently told about it. Also, she tends to touch me, which I don't mind, but it seems inauthentic and manipulative.

I think this is something to do a step 4 on and I'll pray for her, lol!

Another resentment is a strange one, when people write an email and copy me in, I always check where my name is and if it's first I get big ego boost, but if it's last I feel inadequate, insecure and resentful. I suppose it's the fear of seeming insignificant.
Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #22 on: April 15, 2015, 01:54:00 AM »
I have another journal on another similar forum, is this allowed???
Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal

Sanju

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #23 on: April 16, 2015, 03:25:47 AM »
lol, I think a lot of people check the name order in the cc list.  Yeah, it sucks to be last!  But I think we read into it too much and sometimes when I'm the sender I just mix it up to make it seem more random.  I wish there was a way to alphabetize the name order automatically. 

But eating hard boilded eggs in the office is definitely gross.  Reminds me of that episode of the Office where Dwight eats hard boiled eggs to make pregnant Pam sick and then turns into everyone getting violently ill...

But prayer is a good start.  Then sneak a filipino balut style egg in there, she'll never be the same again.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #24 on: April 16, 2015, 06:50:08 AM »
Eeeeeeeew! I even googled that, not cool bud, hahaha! I might just consider that, lol!

I've been dealing with some anxiety, doing presentations and big event with clients. I need to find a better way to respond to these situations, watching my thoughts closely today..

Also, getting closer to Ruby, she's great, a loving soul and very thoughtful, understands my problem and contributing in her own way. But I must do the rights things in my mind, work, recovery and life.

I need to take initiative and lead with courage, I feel good about life.

Yeah, sending emails can get quite touchy, but I hear you man. Trying to keep positive thoughts about everything.

Last PMO - 12 June 2019 18h00

FlyPhoenix Journal