Author Topic: FlyPhoenix Journal  (Read 38871 times)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #325 on: August 29, 2018, 07:40:24 AM »
Day 2,

I relapsed on P on Monday evening and only got to bed at around 2am the next morning. I binged, and kept myself going by saying "at least I'm not masturbating". I edged, and while I refrained from M, the P had me enslaved, and my mind was creating intricate and elaborate schemes to go and find an escort, call in sick and go act out. It's a simple plan, but I will just destroy myself in the process. I will be so full of remorse and shame I will definitely end up drinking and taking drugs. I will only want to visit another prostitute and probably start hanging out with the guys I used to, who made me feel like less of a creep. I will end up distant from my SAA group, and disconnect completely from my recovery. I will lose my position of responsibility and all positive spaces in my life, such as my "bridge" club. I will lose my wife and my daughter. I will cause stress in my parents' hearts and cause them to be ill. I will become ill myself and die an early death of shame.

This is what I see when I play the movie to the end, the hurt the guilt, the shame, the despair. But when I am set on looking at P, it jumps on me. It would be so easy to just go to sleep and rest, but the P is such a great distraction, I can be close to my family while my mind is completely enraptured somewhere else.

It is now Wednesday. Since my relapse, I came clean to my group and to my sponsor. I'm a bit more disciplined about my computer usage and my wasting time. Not perfect, but I am in a better space. I stopped drinking coffee yesterday, for the 50th time this year, at least it feels like it.

I'm seeing my sponsor on Friday. The plan is to use filter software and block my phone. But the truth is I don't know how that will last. I know there should be a better way to completely divorce myself from P, a way that can really shake me up enough and motivate me enough to change.



Last PMO - 04 Nov 2018 (23h45)

FlyPhoenix Journal

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #326 on: August 31, 2018, 02:18:51 AM »
Day 4

Seeing my sponsor later today. Got a hectic day, need to work quickly, but will update here how things went..
Last PMO - 04 Nov 2018 (23h45)

FlyPhoenix Journal

Andi

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #327 on: August 31, 2018, 02:33:29 AM »
I can rely to that. When I was single, binging to P and seeing escorts I thought I have the best life possible. The damage I caust to myself and the pain I caused in others just had its real effects a little later and yes: although I thought I could never feel it, I felt shame.

Man you have a daughter. Go in the right direction.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #328 on: October 09, 2018, 07:41:56 AM »
Day 21, I think..
I recently hit emotional rock bottom in relation to my use and abuse of the Internet, in the form of social media and video sharing sites like youtube. Obviously, puts me at risk to act out with P. I have spoke to m spoken to my sponsor about it and wrote a bit in my diary about it. It is hard cutting this area and changing my habit around this as it is deep-seated. I remember being addicted to television as a child, even before P.
So, I am now striving to be clean from obsessive social media and videos on my phone, on my computer, etc. I am striving to focus on those things in my personal and professional life that are most important and require my attention.
It is painful and I have to "scold" myself sometimes, it is almost like I am "scalding" myself, and has been the reason that I would just revert back to unlimited viewing of Internet videos, because my emotional body felt it was just too painful to change. But I am now doing it for a cause, my inner peace, my health and for my baby daughter, my wife and our family/friends/career life.
I am reaching out to God for help, reaching out to you guys, my sponsor, literature, and anything that can help me. I am aware of my thoughts, trying to meditate more often, be more committed to my training and live a more simple life, eat healthier and sleep earlier, study more diligently and read more, things I have relegated to the periphery of my life in favour of online content and social media crawling.
I am using the Bible and positive self-talk, less cursing..
Any thoughts are welcome. I am making some progress, but I am still drawn here and there to the same online platforms, to be distracted, to be entertained.. My sponsor said it wasn't just to be entertained. I was looking for pleasure, joy and connection, things that I should be receiving from people instead.
Not an easy insight to digest, as I have been definitely avoiding friendships, avoiding my family connections, avoiding my own kids, which is what has hurt the most, along with the distance and coldness I have given my wife.
Anyway, no need to be too harsh, I feel better that I realise it now. One day at a time, taking it easy, keeping it simple, steady, learning to relax and just breathe..
Last PMO - 04 Nov 2018 (23h45)

FlyPhoenix Journal

Loving_Mary

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #329 on: October 28, 2018, 02:56:26 PM »
Day 21, I think..
I recently hit emotional rock bottom in relation to my use and abuse of the Internet, in the form of social media and video sharing sites like youtube. Obviously, puts me at risk to act out with P. I have spoke to m spoken to my sponsor about it and wrote a bit in my diary about it. It is hard cutting this area and changing my habit around this as it is deep-seated. I remember being addicted to television as a child, even before P.
So, I am now striving to be clean from obsessive social media and videos on my phone, on my computer, etc. I am striving to focus on those things in my personal and professional life that are most important and require my attention.
It is painful and I have to "scold" myself sometimes, it is almost like I am "scalding" myself, and has been the reason that I would just revert back to unlimited viewing of Internet videos, because my emotional body felt it was just too painful to change. But I am now doing it for a cause, my inner peace, my health and for my baby daughter, my wife and our family/friends/career life.
I am reaching out to God for help, reaching out to you guys, my sponsor, literature, and anything that can help me. I am aware of my thoughts, trying to meditate more often, be more committed to my training and live a more simple life, eat healthier and sleep earlier, study more diligently and read more, things I have relegated to the periphery of my life in favour of online content and social media crawling.
I am using the Bible and positive self-talk, less cursing..
Any thoughts are welcome. I am making some progress, but I am still drawn here and there to the same online platforms, to be distracted, to be entertained.. My sponsor said it wasn't just to be entertained. I was looking for pleasure, joy and connection, things that I should be receiving from people instead.
Not an easy insight to digest, as I have been definitely avoiding friendships, avoiding my family connections, avoiding my own kids, which is what has hurt the most, along with the distance and coldness I have given my wife.
Anyway, no need to be too harsh, I feel better that I realise it now. One day at a time, taking it easy, keeping it simple, steady, learning to relax and just breathe..

come on man ;)
Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #330 on: November 06, 2018, 07:24:57 AM »
I often feel like I'm beset on all sides by threats, threat to my security, threats to my sanity, threats to my peace, threats to my career, threats to my relationships, threats to my pride, threats to my health, threats on my recovery, threats on my family, threats on my material things.

I struggle to go to bed, not necessarily to fall asleep, but tearing myself away from my computer/cell phone to sleep or get ready to sleep. I'm attracted to negative content again, mainly music that I know isn't healthy to me.

I started meditating last night and I made love to my partner. I have been using P daily for the past two weeks or so and was worried that I might struggle to perform. Just glad that we were able to enjoy each other, one of the few blessings.

The one impact that P might be having on me now is my temper and also my fear and anxiety, the paranoia that something bad is waiting for me on the horizon. I've always had this feeling and I'm now not sure if it's the result of P or what leads me towards P and escapism.. I suspect a bit of both, like a cycle.

Today I didn't look at any trans profiles on social media, a habit I got back into again recently which made it so much easier to use P and trawl escort sites for them. As my P use has escalated recently, this is an area that I entered into quite early on, but alongside normal female P, at first. Like 80% female P and 20% ts.. In the end it was more like one hundred percent ts porn, and hookers.

I rationalised it to myself that they had the female form, sometimes more so than normal women in my life. Also, I figured that female sex workers (escorts, P actors etc..) were quite likely coerced into it, many of them as children. Whereas, by virtue of being born male, they made the conscious decision to enter the world, with a very low likelihood of having been coerced into it.

I want to continue with my meditation, I know that is what can help me to succeed. I'm blessed to have partner who I am very sexually compatible with, it really makes a difference knowing that I don't have to be frustrated by a lack of opportunity for sexual expression.

Still, I need to spend more time here, sharing, reading and writing, maybe commenting on other guys' profiles more, offering encouragement and listening to advice. I know I've been quite unwilling to use filters, as it often leads to what some guys have shared, an obsession to bypass the software, like a heightened hunt similar to the process of searching for perfect pic, vid, or the obsession of searching for a girl I had a crush on in junior school.

I think the answer is in trying to transform spiritually, stick to a spiritual practice and rest, studdy and exercise, spend more time with people and eat healthily.
 

Last PMO - 04 Nov 2018 (23h45)

FlyPhoenix Journal

Loving_Mary

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #331 on: November 11, 2018, 04:33:15 PM »
I often feel like I'm beset on all sides by threats, threat to my security, threats to my sanity, threats to my peace, threats to my career, threats to my relationships, threats to my pride, threats to my health, threats on my recovery, threats on my family, threats on my material things.

I struggle to go to bed, not necessarily to fall asleep, but tearing myself away from my computer/cell phone to sleep or get ready to sleep. I'm attracted to negative content again, mainly music that I know isn't healthy to me.

I started meditating last night and I made love to my partner. I have been using P daily for the past two weeks or so and was worried that I might struggle to perform. Just glad that we were able to enjoy each other, one of the few blessings.

The one impact that P might be having on me now is my temper and also my fear and anxiety, the paranoia that something bad is waiting for me on the horizon. I've always had this feeling and I'm now not sure if it's the result of P or what leads me towards P and escapism.. I suspect a bit of both, like a cycle.

Today I didn't look at any trans profiles on social media, a habit I got back into again recently which made it so much easier to use P and trawl escort sites for them. As my P use has escalated recently, this is an area that I entered into quite early on, but alongside normal female P, at first. Like 80% female P and 20% ts.. In the end it was more like one hundred percent ts porn, and hookers.

I rationalised it to myself that they had the female form, sometimes more so than normal women in my life. Also, I figured that female sex workers (escorts, P actors etc..) were quite likely coerced into it, many of them as children. Whereas, by virtue of being born male, they made the conscious decision to enter the world, with a very low likelihood of having been coerced into it.

I want to continue with my meditation, I know that is what can help me to succeed. I'm blessed to have partner who I am very sexually compatible with, it really makes a difference knowing that I don't have to be frustrated by a lack of opportunity for sexual expression.

Still, I need to spend more time here, sharing, reading and writing, maybe commenting on other guys' profiles more, offering encouragement and listening to advice. I know I've been quite unwilling to use filters, as it often leads to what some guys have shared, an obsession to bypass the software, like a heightened hunt similar to the process of searching for perfect pic, vid, or the obsession of searching for a girl I had a crush on in junior school.

I think the answer is in trying to transform spiritually, stick to a spiritual practice and rest, studdy and exercise, spend more time with people and eat healthily.

Hi Fly

I'm sorry to hear that your in the middle of relapse.

Be good and take care
Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #332 on: November 18, 2018, 05:44:12 PM »
Haven't acted out since 04 Nov, so that is a good thing, struggling with some life issues and decisions I am faced with.. My ego is being challenged in various areas of life, stressed by exams, faced with the reality that I need to invest more energy into my family and social network, as well as my career.

Need to eat much healthier and plan out my exercises better, rather than just chasing the latest fad in exercise trends. Need make best options for my life right now and not chase what others are doing, need to make decisions that will take me forward.
Last PMO - 04 Nov 2018 (23h45)

FlyPhoenix Journal

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #333 on: November 21, 2018, 04:07:59 AM »
Still haven't acted out since 04 Nov, but been dwelling in the cyber world, even when I'm supposed to be working and studying. Been late on a couple of deadlines and it looks like I'll be late for me. Got an exam tomorrow and a bit stressed about it. But posting here in a long time, feeling better that I've stayed clean for a while. Found a bit more motivation to steer clear of P. Now need to focus on getting better rest.
Last PMO - 04 Nov 2018 (23h45)

FlyPhoenix Journal

Loving_Mary

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #334 on: December 02, 2018, 02:29:22 PM »
Still haven't acted out since 04 Nov, but been dwelling in the cyber world, even when I'm supposed to be working and studying. Been late on a couple of deadlines and it looks like I'll be late for me. Got an exam tomorrow and a bit stressed about it. But posting here in a long time, feeling better that I've stayed clean for a while. Found a bit more motivation to steer clear of P. Now need to focus on getting better rest.

Hi Fly,

I'm glad you are recovering from your last relapse.

Keep it up, man ;)
Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #335 on: December 04, 2018, 03:29:28 AM »
Thanks LM, that really means a lot. One day at a day, mindfulness is key.

Still clean since 04 Nov, been trying to push myself to do more outside things. For instance, on Sunday I went to a party with my wife instead of letting her go by herself. I know I would have been tempted to sit at home and just look at P.

It gave me a better chance, a better choice. Even though I was a bit bored at the party, it was real life, it was people and they were enjoying life, enjoying relationships and showing love to one another.

I was a bit envious about that, thinking why don't I have that level of friendship. I must be at peace with myself and take things slowly, carefully and be kind to myself.

Been meditating recently and training more regularly, trying to eat healthier and give my body a chance to heal. It isn't easy but I take one day at a time, try to remember my goals and try to be in the moment.

I pray for strength to not only recover, but to be more faithful in the things I set out to do daily, like to sleep earlier, like to do my work diligently and according to the standard that will elevate my career and my mind.

Major changes now, tempted to dwell in fear, but I know that will only mean less ability to contribute, less useful to myself, God and others.

Have a great December guys, it is not an easy time. I am committing to spend as much time around people as possible, especially my family, immediate and extended. I commit to being friendlier at work and in general. I commit to swearing less and being more confident in how I manage my life, demanding more of myself and demanding more from others, as far ass how much they value me.
Last PMO - 04 Nov 2018 (23h45)

FlyPhoenix Journal

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #336 on: December 06, 2018, 01:42:12 AM »
Looking to improve my meditation practice, to help with mental efficiency..
Last PMO - 04 Nov 2018 (23h45)

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Loving_Mary

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #337 on: December 06, 2018, 08:06:50 AM »
Thanks LM, that really means a lot. One day at a day, mindfulness is key.

Still clean since 04 Nov, been trying to push myself to do more outside things. For instance, on Sunday I went to a party with my wife instead of letting her go by herself. I know I would have been tempted to sit at home and just look at P.

It gave me a better chance, a better choice. Even though I was a bit bored at the party, it was real life, it was people and they were enjoying life, enjoying relationships and showing love to one another.

I was a bit envious about that, thinking why don't I have that level of friendship. I must be at peace with myself and take things slowly, carefully and be kind to myself.

Been meditating recently and training more regularly, trying to eat healthier and give my body a chance to heal. It isn't easy but I take one day at a time, try to remember my goals and try to be in the moment.

I pray for strength to not only recover, but to be more faithful in the things I set out to do daily, like to sleep earlier, like to do my work diligently and according to the standard that will elevate my career and my mind.

Major changes now, tempted to dwell in fear, but I know that will only mean less ability to contribute, less useful to myself, God and others.

Have a great December guys, it is not an easy time. I am committing to spend as much time around people as possible, especially my family, immediate and extended. I commit to being friendlier at work and in general. I commit to swearing less and being more confident in how I manage my life, demanding more of myself and demanding more from others, as far ass how much they value me.

Hi Fly,

Sounds awesome that you spent some more time with yor wife and had people around.

I think you don't have that level of friendship because our brain is more connected to the addiction than to real life.

I feel the same: they seem so connected between each other..!

But we can feel the same if we disconnect from P and connect with good things and people.

I think that taking care of your soul, mind and body as you are already doing, will help you a ton.

Your prayer for strenght has reminded me of a book which I believe every page has a tremendous value. It was written in the XVI th century but it works for today. I've just reviewed it to check if it can work for you and as far as I know you I believe every page could have been written especially for you.

The first part is based on the Scripture and talks about how to overcome and avoid temptation and gives many tools and examples. The second part is catholic stuff, you can skip it or read it to find more about this branch of Christianity.

The extra book in this edition talks about "the peace of soul" and I haven't read it.

It's called The Spiritual Combat, by father Lorenzo Scupoli. Trully life changing.

I hope you feel like reading it and putting it in practice for this Advent. If you want to take a look:

https://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Combat-Treatise-Supplemental-Reading-ebook/dp/B00RDFDJW6/ref=sr_1_1_twi_kin_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1544099926&sr=8-1&keywords=lorenzo+scupoli 

I hope you will achieve your purposes for December, it will be an oportunity to prepare for Christmas.

Cheers

Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #338 on: December 10, 2018, 02:34:00 AM »
Thanks LM,

I had a nice family celebration yesterday and got to spend time with some wonderful people for the whole day, most importantly my wife, my daughter and my parents. It was truly special and a blessing that we all need to cherish, we never know if it will be the last.

I really appreciate your kind words brother, and your thoughtful input. I will look at the book and add it to my toolbox.

I am in the final two works of work and preparing for a drive out of town with my loved ones. I am grateful that I am still clean today and since the 04 Nov. I have spent time on the Internet surfing, but I am gaining strength in doing the things I know are good for me, like studying when I need to, and sleeping when I feel tired.

I am allowing myself to just relax and take things as they come. Managed to do some breathing exercises this morning, which was really good, it woke me up in such a clean way.

I relate to your other post, although I am a few weeks clean, I am far from fully recovered. So, I seek new effective ways to connect to others, to connect to God and to make peace with my past and pain. I am really blessed and wouldn't trade my life for anything.

During this advent I want to remember the sacrifice of Christ in a new way, not based on dogma but based on Love. In my prayer and meditation I try to connect to the profound Love that God has for us, that He would not only sacrifice his most beloved treasure for us, his children, but He would suffer as one of us.

The forces of this age are drawing us further from the knowledge of God, but I believe this is what can save us from our sin, our own destruction.

Be at peace my friend, this is what I wish for you, peace and health. I believe from these two things come moderation in our pleasures, a long life and success in everything.
Last PMO - 04 Nov 2018 (23h45)

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Loving_Mary

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #339 on: December 10, 2018, 03:21:30 PM »
Thanks LM,

I had a nice family celebration yesterday and got to spend time with some wonderful people for the whole day, most importantly my wife, my daughter and my parents. It was truly special and a blessing that we all need to cherish, we never know if it will be the last.

I really appreciate your kind words brother, and your thoughtful input. I will look at the book and add it to my toolbox.

I am in the final two works of work and preparing for a drive out of town with my loved ones. I am grateful that I am still clean today and since the 04 Nov. I have spent time on the Internet surfing, but I am gaining strength in doing the things I know are good for me, like studying when I need to, and sleeping when I feel tired.

I am allowing myself to just relax and take things as they come. Managed to do some breathing exercises this morning, which was really good, it woke me up in such a clean way.

I relate to your other post, although I am a few weeks clean, I am far from fully recovered. So, I seek new effective ways to connect to others, to connect to God and to make peace with my past and pain. I am really blessed and wouldn't trade my life for anything.

During this advent I want to remember the sacrifice of Christ in a new way, not based on dogma but based on Love. In my prayer and meditation I try to connect to the profound Love that God has for us, that He would not only sacrifice his most beloved treasure for us, his children, but He would suffer as one of us.

The forces of this age are drawing us further from the knowledge of God, but I believe this is what can save us from our sin, our own destruction.

Be at peace my friend, this is what I wish for you, peace and health. I believe from these two things come moderation in our pleasures, a long life and success in everything.

awesome, man.

Thanks for your good thoughts.

Have fun with your familiy ;)

Cheers
Peace :)

thephoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #340 on: December 12, 2018, 07:58:51 PM »
Hey man.

Funny how quite a few of us are choosing the phoenix as a symbol of trying to overcome this disease.

Your one tough cat.

Reading through this had been an inspiration.

Fly on Phoenix