Author Topic: My Reboot Journal  (Read 14971 times)

Man of Steel

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My Reboot Journal
« on: March 27, 2015, 05:41:15 PM »
Hey Guys,

Just want to start off that I'm starting this journal for I suppose you can say selfish reasons, I simply want to improve my overall life and I don't claim to be here to help other people. However, if my experiences do help anyone then that's definetly a bonus. The plan of this journal is mainly for self reflection, so I can observe when my worst urges occur and if I can find any patterns in when and why I'm most at risk of PMO. If no one posts on this thread that's cool with me because as stated this thread is really mainly to log my own progress and further understand any underlying problems, that said feel free to post any issues you may have or any advice that you may feel relevant and I'l try to get back to you ASAP.

Background

Hi, I'm 21 from England in the UK and started watching porn at a young age (around 12ish) and it all began very, I suppose you could say, "normal" with the fact PM wasn't very frequent and nothing to hardcore. Around the age of 15 I really began to realize PMO as a massive issue, it became very frequent and the genres became more extreme which I'm sure many of you have experienced. Looking back on it now I'm disgusted about what the videos escalated to and they definitely wasn't what I fantasized about before porn or after, anyway, In conjunction with heavy video gaming I became very isolated and would never dare go to any social event due to extreme anxiety. I could no longer look at a female in a natural way and instead replaced a natural attraction with images of what I experienced in porn and my daily life became one big porn video of constant fantasizing. Everything else in my life was falling to pieces, family & friend relationships, my eating habits, exercise habits and my academic results, one reason is because of the constant fantasizing and not being able to get PM off my mind but also due to the actual length of the act (sometimes edging for hours on end).
I'm a reasonably attractive guy (not to brag) and didn't struggle to gain female attention through my heavy porn use days due to my looks, and even though I would have liked to have become intimate with some of these girls whenever they tried to get close to me I would get to anxious and would make excuses that I was busy and just return to porn.

Age 18 onward
From about the age of 16-17 my porn use decreased as I saw it was having a negative impact on me, then from 18 onward I realized I had to quit for good to try and remove this social anxiety and return back to my pre porn confident self. From 18 onward I went 18 months without PM which was very difficult but definitely worth it.In this period my social anxiety diminished and my confidence went through the roof which gave me a lot of female attention for which I could reciprocate for once! This resulted in having girlfriend for 9 months starting from the 4th month of my 18 month stretch and ending of the 13th.  My performance between the sheets was quiet aggressive and not very caring at first to my girlfriend of the time (due to the violent nature of most porn I had been conditioned to from an early age), however over time she pretty much trained me to have normal sex and I must say it felt so much better knowing that both of us were really enjoying it.
After this relationship I've been with a few girls but nothing serious however PMO crept into my life again a couple of months ago and all of the old anxiety's, constant tiredness and lack of motivation came flooding back.
This is why I've began this journal because I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel and from the past 2 months experience it has affirmed in me that PM is really not worth all the suffering that comes along with it.

The plan

I find the best way for me personally to avoid PM is to exercise regularly and keep on top of university work so that's on my list of priorities, I will also try and write in this journal as regularly as possible and use this journal to help me avoid PM when urges arise.

If you read this journal then I appreciate it, if its too long then sorry but I don't really care  :P As said this is mainly for my own record but I'm willing and happy to answer any questions.

Thanks,
Man of Steel  ;D
« Last Edit: May 05, 2015, 05:52:23 AM by Man of Steel »

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2015, 05:48:35 PM »
27/03/15

Hey guys,
first journal entry.
One of the reasons I started this is because I nearly M'd today. This was not with porn but was still a bit distressing as it's the first real urge I've had since rebooting. I suppose positives to take from this are that, even though I began to M it didn't take me long to realize it was a bad idea and I stopped immediately which is a good sign.
What I think caused the sudden urge is a couple of reasons, mainly I had a wet dream yesterday and from past experienced I've discovered I'm most at risk of PMO within the couple of days after a wet dream. Also I didn't go to the gym today as planned due to completing coursework today and then falling asleep shortly after.
Next time I'l attempt to be extra vigilant the couple of days after a wet dream and also ensure I complete what tasks I've set for the day.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2015, 09:53:13 PM by Man of Steel »

mtaha2015

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2015, 08:58:37 PM »
wet dreams always brings problems for rebooters next day.
wish you best of luck though.

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2015, 06:51:18 AM »
Thanks for the encouragement mtaha, best of luck to you to bro.

31/03/15

Had work over the weekend and had no urges, however in my sleep last night I woke up ( still pretty much asleep but just with eyes open) and began masturbating. I stopped shortly after without orgasm and fell back to sleep, upon waking again I didn't know whether it was a dream or not.
Don't know if this means anything, just thought I'd post so I can identify that this happened.

Have come back from university for the easter break and need to keep myself busy to prevent the temptation of PMO, I plan on doing this by going to work, going to the gym and doing some uni coursework (which can sometimes be problematic because have to use a computer).

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2015, 09:33:30 PM »
03/04/15

Been keeping busy last couple of days and overall felt good. Stressed out over university work however I feel like I can handle that stress much better with the absence of PMO. Went to some nightclubs with friends tonight and had a good time, didn't really suffer from anxiety and could chat and laugh with females effortlessly whereas after a relapse making conversation was very difficult.

Overall quite happy at the moment, only worry I have is this constant scare that I might relapse in the future and all my anxieties to return.

mtaha2015

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2015, 10:26:52 PM »
I am glad you are spending time in university work instead of wasting it on porn sites. Going to night clubs might be positive for the reboot as it is a source of entertainment, but it might bring fantasy and triggers too. so you have to be careful to choice those kinds of activities.

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2015, 09:35:01 AM »
Thanks for the message mtaha.
I agree with you, I was very cautious when I came home not to look at porn because I was a bit tipsy and definitely more likely to relapse. I'm starting to see the benefits of this journal already as whenever I'm vulnerable like last night I can just look at my journal and it definitely helps control my urges.

JohnyDr

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2015, 11:19:08 AM »
Quote
I'm a reasonably attractive guy (not to brag) and didn't struggled to gain female attention through my heavy porn use days due to my looks, and even though I would have liked to have become intimate with some of these girls whenever they tried to get close to me I would get to anxious and would make excuses that I was busy and just return to porn.

Code: [Select]
This is why I've began this journal because I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel and from the past 2 months experience it has affirmed in me that PM is really not worth all the suffering that comes along with it.

I can relate to that and much of the story. I will tell you only you are right- it isn't worth it, hold on and good luck.

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2015, 05:27:08 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement Johny, best of look to you to man, I'll try and keep an eye on your progress  ;)

I have a problem with not being able to forget about the chances I've missed in the past, plan on trying to look forward instead of obsess about the past!  :)

mtaha2015

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2015, 12:01:33 AM »
look forward.
that's good.

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2015, 12:47:31 AM »
05/04/15
Spent last couple of days at work, was actually quite good and I felt very confident in myself. Trying to visit this website everyday just to stay on my toes and not lose focus.

Starting to feel like I want a relationship again which is a good sign and If the right girl appears I think I'd be able to ask her out but will have to wait and see.

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #11 on: April 06, 2015, 07:20:41 PM »
Day 41 - 07/04/15

Went to pub yesterday and had couple of drinks with friends and I found I had a much better time than in the past when I was PMOing. Had no anxiety and I was able to listen a lot better.

Was worried about how today would be because I spent a lot of time in bed and didn't exercise, I then went to work and thought I'd be at risk of PMO after work but I feel ok and have no real urges.

There's a girl at work who's good looking, smart and got a decent personality so I'm going to make it my goal to try and get her number or ask her out. This would be a huge achievement as I've never asked a girl out unless I knew that she was really into me whereas I'm unsure whether this girl likes me in this way. I feel like however, whether she says yes or no I'll still feel good about myself because at least I took the chance and will never think what might of happened.

Need to be vigilant in these next few days because I'm coming close to my target 45 days and from reading other's journal I've found a trend that a lot of people relapse either shortly before or shortly after reaching a target

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2015, 05:16:58 PM »
Day 42 08/04/15

Just woken up from a wet dream, as I've said I'm at risk of PMOing in the next couple of days after a wet dream so I have to stay on my toes. Also because my target is close that causes a risk to PMO too because I've seen other people and myself PMO shortly before or after a target so I have to be doubly vigilant over these next two days.

In terms of the wet dream it's the second of the reboot and I nearly M'd after the first and determined not to give into the urges. On top of all this I've been asleep for an hour and have to wake up in 4 hours for work but I'm wide awake now, this will mean I'l be tired after work which again is a risk of PMO for me!

Basically to sum up these next few days will be a huge test of how far I've come and how willing I am willing to go.

Plan for next few days
1. Exercise everyday for rest of the week   2. Limit time on my own as much as possible   3. Visit this website everyday for the rest of the week and read some stories to help ke deal with urges.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2015, 09:53:36 PM by Man of Steel »

gooutside

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2015, 05:27:05 PM »
good luck man of steel, cutting the time alone is a real big one for me I think, I only just realised recently how much loneliness is a trigger for me. all the best.

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2015, 08:03:32 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement gooutside, it's good that you know that your most vulnerable when your on your own that way you can at least take measures to reduce the possibility of PMO.

I'l try to follow your progress and wish you the best of luck man  ;)

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #15 on: April 09, 2015, 10:55:50 AM »
Day 44 09/04/15

Last couple of days haven't been great, sleeping pattern is really messed up and can't fall asleep until about 4a.m. Haven't done any university work in last couple of days and haven't done any reading which I normally like to do.
No PMO still going well, 1 day off of target of 45 days however I really need to get back to doing some university work because this lack of discipline has in the past led to PMO. If I lose discipline in one area of my life it tends to cause a domino effect and cause me to lose discipline in other areas.
Got today off work so I plan on doing some uni work, just got back from the gym and will try and get to sleep at a more normal time tonight  :P

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #16 on: April 10, 2015, 04:37:55 AM »
Don't mean to post to often but just wanted to write down my thoughts so can look back at this.
Due to heavy video gaming and porn use in the past my posture got really bad over time, I then started going to the gym a few years ago and my posture just got worse. Over the last year or so I've made significant improvements in anterior pelvic tilit which has pretty much fixed and I did this through core training everyday and some glute work.

This last day or so my confidence has been pretty low because I've realized even though I've seen significant improvements in my kyphosis and forward head, it is still pretty bad and I would like to improves these. I perform daily exercises and hope that it gets better but I'm not sure whether it is, just thought I'd post this so I can self reflect in future because there are times when I can spend about an hour looking in the mirror assessing how bad it is. People I talk to about say its hardly noticeable and I know its not the worst posture in the world however I'm a bit of an obsessive and when I start thinking about it I can't stop.

I plan on continuing doing core and glute work everyday because I feel this has greatly improved my APT, I also will continue performing upper back exercises but I also plan to try and not worry to much about it because when I do I get very anxious and frustrated and I tend to take this frustration out on the people who are closest to me.

When my confidence is low or I'm frustrated my risk of PMO is elevated so therefore I really need to work on this, however, on the bright side I hit my 45 day target today which I'm proud of  :)
« Last Edit: April 10, 2015, 04:44:27 AM by Man of Steel »

mtaha2015

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #17 on: April 10, 2015, 03:24:13 PM »
you should relax about this issue. take it in a lighter mode. your first and most harmful problem in your life, PMO is almost solved, concentrate on PMO first, back problems are after PMO. don't think or worry much about posture. it will heal with time. once PMO is gone from life, every thing will get back in shape.

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #18 on: April 11, 2015, 02:13:33 PM »
Thanks taha, your right one battle at a time  :P

Day 46 11/04/15

Not much to share today, spent the last two days at work and haven't had much time to do anything else. Sleeping pattern seems to be back to normal for now hopefully  :P To help deal with my last post on posture I think I need to stop looking in the mirror so much to check how my posture is, no-one ever comments on it and I'm taking the correct steps in trying to correct it so I need to stop stressing over it!  :P

Main reason I'm posting today is because I've reached my 45 day goal which I''m proud of  :) Next I'l go for 60 days and try and do this in small chunks
« Last Edit: April 11, 2015, 04:06:27 PM by Man of Steel »

gooutside

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #19 on: April 11, 2015, 05:53:55 PM »
45 days! Awesome dude, well done.  8) 

In terms of the sleeping pattern thing, I've found getting up at roughly the same time everyday keeps me in a good cycle, even if I have a late night, I get up early so the next night I fall back into my usual pattern. Also f.lux is great for helping you feel sleepy at night if you're looking at a computer screen a lot.

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #20 on: April 12, 2015, 03:31:31 PM »
Cheers gooutside, your right I've got to try and be more disciplined with this, normally I'm ok but I work nights once a week 10pm-6am which can screw me over for the rest of the week sometimes.

Day 47 12/04/15

Damn! Last night had a semi wet dream, was weird, didn't wake up with my shorts wet through as they normally do with a wet dream but they were a bit wet. Today was pretty bad, this morning went well but this afternoon I started to get a bit depressed and when I feel down I tend to go into self destruct mode so I started masturbating and I edged for a while. I didn't use porn, no fantasy and didn't orgasm so for me it doesn't count as a relapse. How can I tell? I've relapse many times before and I know the symptoms I get after a relapse and I haven't had any, also I didn't P or O which are my two real big issues.

Anywayyy.. Got to learn from this, a mixture of a wet dream and feeling a bit depressed are definite issues for me, I didn't have any urge to masturbate, it all started just trying to get hard because I haven't been getting random hard ons lately and next thing I know I started masturbating  :-\

Got to look at bright side, didn't P or O and I can use this as a lesson as I strive for 60 days!
« Last Edit: April 12, 2015, 03:42:46 PM by Man of Steel »

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #21 on: April 14, 2015, 03:37:03 PM »
Day 49 14/04/15

After my edging incident I've felt ok, not had any urges and I'm not feeling any of the anxiety or other symptoms that come along with a relapse. Haven't been very disciplined though, need to get back to doing some university work because deadline is approaching fast for coursework and I don't want to be getting to stressed or this will increase the risk of PMO.

Got couple of days off work and going to help my dad with fixing some things for my grandma which should be good, some hard labour is always a good thing, plan on going gym both days and doing this uni work!

Thoughts and urges of PMO are becoming less and less often just got to remain vigilant  :)

MioMio

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #22 on: April 15, 2015, 03:22:40 PM »
45 days! Awesome dude, well done.  8) 

In terms of the sleeping pattern thing, I've found getting up at roughly the same time everyday keeps me in a good cycle, even if I have a late night, I get up early so the next night I fall back into my usual pattern. Also f.lux is great for helping you feel sleepy at night if you're looking at a computer screen a lot.

I have just installed f.lux. This is one of the greatest software I have used in a while! I wish my blackberry would support this kind of screeen optimimzation!

MioMio

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #23 on: April 15, 2015, 03:30:05 PM »
Don't mean to post to often but just wanted to write down my thoughts so can look back at this.
Due to heavy video gaming and porn use in the past my posture got really bad over time, I then started going to the gym a few years ago and my posture just got worse. Over the last year or so I've made significant improvements in anterior pelvic tilit which has pretty much fixed and I did this through core training everyday and some glute work.

This last day or so my confidence has been pretty low because I've realized even though I've seen significant improvements in my kyphosis and forward head, it is still pretty bad and I would like to improves these. I perform daily exercises and hope that it gets better but I'm not sure whether it is, just thought I'd post this so I can self reflect in future because there are times when I can spend about an hour looking in the mirror assessing how bad it is. People I talk to about say its hardly noticeable and I know its not the worst posture in the world however I'm a bit of an obsessive and when I start thinking about it I can't stop.

Have you considered consulting a physiotherapist or osteopath?

I'm not familiar with the health system in the UK. In Germany I can schedule an appointment with an orthopedist, who will then supply me with the necessary referral to a physiotherapist. At the moment I have to pay around 30€ for six appointments. I have been suffering from back and neck tensions, but also posture problems (hyperlordosis). Specialized balance workouts with my physiotherapist have improved my situation a lot. On a side note, they were also great to deal with my knee problems :) No advice on PMO though :D

Man of Steel

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Re: My Reboot Journal
« Reply #24 on: April 15, 2015, 07:40:32 PM »
Quote
f.lux is great for helping you feel sleepy at night if you're looking at a computer screen a lot.

I've also just downloaded this software, thanks for the suggestion man hopefully it helps  ;)

Quote
I'm not familiar with the health system in the UK. In Germany I can schedule an appointment with an orthopedist, who will then supply me with the necessary referral to a physiotherapist. At the moment I have to pay around 30€ for six appointments. I have been suffering from back and neck tensions, but also posture problems (hyperlordosis). Specialized balance workouts with my physiotherapist have improved my situation a lot. On a side note, they were also great to deal with my knee problems :) No advice on PMO though :D

I imagine our health systems are similar, I can go to the doctors and they may refer me to a physiopherapist, problem is it's difficult to get a doctors appointment over here and I've been delaying it for some time. I've started doing some exercises to activate and strengthen my rhomboids which should hopefully help but I do need to go and see a doctor at some point. I also had neck and back pains and as you know it sucks and we really shouldn't be having it at our age  :P Glad to see you've had some success man  :)