Author Topic: Getting back to life  (Read 69341 times)

Chaos Mind

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #125 on: February 18, 2015, 05:27:39 PM »
This is a huge post of yours, jkkk. All respect to you...how you deal with your grief and how you found so beautiful words to express your feelings.

May your grandmother rest in peace.

If it's a family tradition, then one day your grandchildren will look up to you. And they will see a person who is strong in willpower. What you are going through -  your reboot an all its side effects (good an bad ones) makes you strong and one day your children and grandchildren will benefit from that just like you learned things from your grandfather and grandmother.
~ Subconsciousness is the key to sort the chaos in our mind ~

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jkkk

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #126 on: February 19, 2015, 10:53:22 AM »
@ChaosMind - thank you for being here.

It's funny because I was thinking about your last reply in my thread regarding the job situation. And I had many thoughts about my reply with regard to how I think about my work, about myself, about my confidence and my comfort zone. I wanted to write about the most important lesson I got in life - and a one that I am still taking part in - which a lesson of humility. I guess I wanted to write about the fear of change. Which is not a good one. Which is a fear that takes the power of life from anyone. Which - I dare to say - has very much to do with being addicted. We even fear becoming sober, let's face it.

Suddenly, the death of my grandma put all those things into second plan. Suddenly, what two weeks ago seemed to me like a life struggle and difficult choice, happens to be just some side issue. I'm not saying it's not important, but I dare say my addict mind blew it a bit out of proportion.

It is very difficult for me sometimes to keep things in proportion. To make good judgement about things that are important and things that are not. I have a tendency to become anxious about too often and about too many things.

I really think it has much to do with the chemical imbalance in our brains, caused by PMO addiction. Don't know if it has been researched or anything. I personally see improvement over time in reboot and I just hope that in real long term the improvement will be even greater. To the extent that I can't even imagine it now.

LS90

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #127 on: February 20, 2015, 04:10:54 AM »
Sorry for your loss man, really. Everything would pass in second position when we lose someone we loved..

jkkk

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #128 on: February 24, 2015, 07:33:00 AM »
@LS90 - thank you, bro.

@Chaos Mind - as regards your earlier post on career choices, I gave it quite a long thought.

First of all, thank you so much for your long post. I like your approach.

This is what I came up with.

William states in thread something very interesting about PMO addicts (maybe he even includes all addicts, who knows). He says that these are usually above-average intelligent, sensitive, multi-talented, risk-taking individuals. By a short glance it seems people destined for success.

Yet not many addicts, I think, can say that they actually achieved any success. This of course may be in part due to the fact that addicts are unwilling to accept that they achieved success (when they actually did), because of their low self-esteem.

But I think there is one more factor, maybe an obvious one, that addiction inhibits our natural talents and abilities, and stops us from becoming or acting to the best of our capabilities.

It's only a hypothesis from me, but if I were to assess myself... I would say so. Addiction stopped me from achieving many things. I'm not saying this to take pity on myself, but I just can make a comparison of my mental and spiritual state now, fighting the addiction, and the time when I was only acting out. I just have a totally different attitude. I'm able to concentrate, even if at times with difficulty, on my tasks. And most important of all, I just feel as if I have a proper relationship with the reality around me and with myself.

This relates to this job thing a bit, because I think that much of my hesitation and fear is down to that "old, addicted self" that was in fact not making full use of his abilities. Also that "old, addicted self" was very scared of failure, of people around gossiping and deriding me. Whereas life should be lived to the full, as if we have nothing to lose. The addiction sucks in itself and uses all the features of our character such as aggression, risk-taking and bravery. We are aggressive and brave, and we take risks while acting out and none of these powers are left for real life.

So I feel that my "gut feelings" are to be treated with some suspicion. These "guts" might be tainted by my long (and early started) addiction. I envy people who can really trust their gut instinct, knowing that it based on being healthy and taking care of oneself. I just think that my case, and cases of many us here, might be different.

@Yelashade - thanks for your words of encouragement, too.

LS90

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #129 on: February 24, 2015, 05:46:05 PM »
Have you seen that video with some testimonies about former PMO addicts that got mistreated for ADHD, depression and other mental illnesses without psychiatrists actually understanding the fault was all in the abuse of P?

It's a TED Talk with Gary Wilson -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

It sheds some light on some of your points. We just have to cope with the fact that we did put ourselves really strong chains that did not let us enjoy life at its fullest. Now we know.  ;) ;)

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #130 on: February 25, 2015, 04:33:24 AM »
KEEP ON TRUCKING YOU WILL get there. The brain just needs further convincing. after that its smooth sailing from there

Chaos Mind

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #131 on: March 02, 2015, 01:34:05 PM »
Hey jkkk,

Your hypothesis makes sense for those who suffer from low self-esteem. Some people might find themselves folded up in a little bag, unable to pop out and expand to full size. If that happens - yes, porn will inhibit your talents and stop you from achieving your goals. It keeps you low and on a short leash. And then when you break open those chains you are free to take a path of your choice.

I've never suffered from low self-esteem. It was the other way round....porn made me taller than I really was. Those endless chats with submissive men and women gave me a fake self-esteem. When I crushed this world on purpose I felt somewhat alone and meaningless. But I know it's a good thing and I still keep my confidence. I know that I was able to make others look up to me. It's only that I chose to prove that on the wrong medium and with the wrong people.

So what happened to the job?
~ Subconsciousness is the key to sort the chaos in our mind ~

A collection of techniques to deal with the addiction: read, discuss & add your own ideas

jkkk

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #132 on: March 02, 2015, 06:46:13 PM »
Hey jkkk,

Your hypothesis makes sense for those who suffer from low self-esteem. Some people might find themselves folded up in a little bag, unable to pop out and expand to full size. If that happens - yes, porn will inhibit your talents and stop you from achieving your goals. It keeps you low and on a short leash. And then when you break open those chains you are free to take a path of your choice.

I've never suffered from low self-esteem. It was the other way round....porn made me taller than I really was. Those endless chats with submissive men and women gave me a fake self-esteem. When I crushed this world on purpose I felt somewhat alone and meaningless. But I know it's a good thing and I still keep my confidence. I know that I was able to make others look up to me. It's only that I chose to prove that on the wrong medium and with the wrong people.

So what happened to the job?

Hey Chaos,

As regards self-esteem, I'd say I was also rather this second type. I was "the master of the universe". Only I had a very botched understanding of "mastering" and "universe" ;) So I thought I was the best and deserved the best, and I did the best.

But it was not true. And this is where the lie in the addiction kicks in. You live in your own bubble. You think you grasp things but you don't. Your genuinely sure you're doing great, but your not. That was me.

Rebooting, therapy and getting to know the reality and the world opens a path to understand oneself. Then on starts REAL strength, I mean an uncrushable determination, but also coolness and proper understanding of reality: to know when and how to act, and have the balls to do so.

The job is... silent. Total radio silence since I wrote them. I'd prefer if they came knocking, I'm sure. So I feel a bit of a letdown.

Yet I have my state exam in 9 days now. A three day examination marathon. I was preparing for it for a long time now. Though I guess there always is this nagging question of whether I did everything that was necessary, was it thorough, was my approach a good one etc. Any backing from you guys on the exam stuff will be much appreciated :D

Chaos Mind

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #133 on: March 03, 2015, 01:01:53 PM »
Interesting! So to the point at which we started fighting the addiction we might have behaved very similarly. But when you got deprived of your toy...when the air was let out of your ego you found yourself in ruins, you packed your things and started a journey to find your new self. Ok that sounds dramatic but maybe I hit the point there? For me it was more like...my self-esteem clung to the crown of the highest tree in my mind (which was the fake virtual world of chats, roleplay games and mental cinema I lived in). When that tree was cut, it didn't crush to the ground but actually found that other trees were nearly as tall and moved to the one right next to it. When I quit all chat rooms, deleted the videos and "closed" many many files in my mind I started feeling vulnerable. Like my biggest strength...my most powerful weapon was gone. But I realized I could use it to my own advantage. The roleplay game has become my life. I put the same effort into my job that I used to put into seeking porn. I speak to my friends and family in a caring way that I once did to the submissive people on my chat list. It's sad that it had to work this way round, but in the end it's a good thing.

Quote
I mean an uncrushable determination, but also coolness and proper understanding of reality: to know when and how to act, and have the balls to do so.

...so finally we both reached the same goal. Knowing when and how to act...and to actually do it...that's one of the most difficult things in life. 100% agreement here!

Speaking of having balls...how about you knock on THEIR door once again rather than waiting for your saviour on the phone? Don't know about informal rules in your country, but here it's almost always well received when the applicant advances proactively. If you hesitate doing so you are most likely afraid of their answer. An answer you won't change to the negative by calling and requiring some news on your application.

Quote
Though I guess there always is this nagging question of whether I did everything that was necessary

It is indeed. You should be worried if that concern hadn't occured in your mind at this point. I think we are troubled about maybe having chosen a wrong approach, having studied the wrong topics or having left out important things because that's actually what could indeed happen. Maybe you HAVE chosen a wrong approach. Maybe you studied stuff that is unimportant and forgot about something essential. It's the nature of an exam. No one can give you a guarantee. It makes you human. And if you were perfect in EVERY topic of the exam you could be sure that something is going increadibly wrong in your life.

The goosebumps just before the exam paper may be turned over. The sound of slight coughs. The smell of sweat and fear. And then...pouring out knowledge! Finally being able to prove that you deserve to get that f*cking degree. The relief when it's over and finally...pure joy about the results. I sure miss these days. Dare the gap. Enjoy what at the moment feels like torture...it's only one more step to your personal enlightment.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2015, 01:05:04 PM by Chaos Mind »
~ Subconsciousness is the key to sort the chaos in our mind ~

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Yelashade

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #134 on: March 04, 2015, 07:20:01 PM »
Hey man,

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I hope that you're coping with it alright, because the cycle of any form of loss always wants us to speed the process as fast as we can. The most difficult part is staying patient throughout the whole thing and letting the situation go slowly.

It's good that you're close to your family; when you think about the millions of people out there that aren't close even with their direct blood, you are very fortunate! Utilise those bonds and get through your situation together my friend :).

Oh, and best of luck in your exams! Think of all that freedom afterwards haha ;)
"Take me to a place, where I can't feel my face, and I'm half the man I think I'm supposed to be." - Krizz Kaliko


jkkk

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #135 on: March 04, 2015, 07:46:51 PM »
...so finally we both reached the same goal. Knowing when and how to act...and to actually do it...that's one of the most difficult things in life. 100% agreement here!

Speaking of having balls...how about you knock on THEIR door once again rather than waiting for your saviour on the phone? Don't know about informal rules in your country, but here it's almost always well received when the applicant advances proactively. If you hesitate doing so you are most likely afraid of their answer. An answer you won't change to the negative by calling and requiring some news on your application.

I was planning to write after the exam, but then - let's say you inspired me do it earlier! ;) I wrote the guy who actually told me about the offer and... he wrote back that they decided to look for someone younger, a fresh graduate and so that I am overqualified.

Yes.

What can I say. I'm not surprised, you know. I know the market here.

I'm sad, though. And I am let down. I think these are legitimate feeling in this situation.


But you know what, life is so strange sometimes. Or fascinating maybe. If that news reached me a month ago, I would probably be really sad and angry. I would be sad and angry about my loss. But now I feel that this loss is just totally  unimportant compared to the loss of my grandma. That's a real loss and I miss her ;(

Work is important for me. But work is a state of mind, too. One can reach that proper state of mind and do humble and good work anywhere, with anything. The people that we have around us every day, that is the Treasure.

jkkk

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #136 on: March 07, 2015, 07:37:10 PM »
Oh, and best of luck in your exams! Think of all that freedom afterwards haha ;)

I will do with some luck at the exam for sure :)

The exam is approaching - it starts on Wednesday already.

As I reflect on what I have been up to in the last few weeks, it seems to be there was lot... It was a very intensive time. Many things happened.

I had a car collision. My grandma died :( I have been preparing for my exam. I was doing a lot in connection with the new flat of my wife and mine. I've been doing my best to be here.

That's a lot. Good things. Worse things.

Only today my wife and I, we were completing a list of jobs and costs that has to be incurred to furnish the flat. Wow, I should say. This is all very expensive. I did down me a bit. I mean... we just do not have the many for everything and I wonder what chances do we have of ever having them for some of this stuff.

But then I think... that's life. Rarely do you get the full option up front ;) It will take time. And what is important is to be together in that house. Make it a home. I guess that's what really matters.

lte

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #137 on: March 07, 2015, 10:12:09 PM »
The ups and downs of life go on,even when we are rebooting. The great news is that you've weathered these events without relapsing.


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Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

jkkk

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #138 on: March 09, 2015, 09:57:53 AM »
The ups and downs of life go on,even when we are rebooting. The great news is that you've weathered these events without relapsing.

:) I'm so happy about it. Just happy. I know this doesn't sound like anything unusual, but for me to get through times like that in the past was impossible.

I really don't know how it happened this time. I swear I don't.

Maybe I got tired of the addiction? This doesn't sound like a valid reason given the pain and losses I and those around me suffered to do my addiction, but I guess a critical point was reached in my life.

So to anyone who's reading this, struggling and relapsing a lot. Keep on standing up. The struggle and relapses will eventually wear down the addiction. Maybe that's also a mechanism.

lte

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #139 on: March 09, 2015, 10:36:45 AM »
You handled it well.


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Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

jkkk

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #140 on: March 12, 2015, 06:26:15 PM »
Two days of exam, two parts - done.

Tomorrow last day + the last two parts. Keep your fingers crossed.

And I hit 300 posts :)

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #141 on: March 12, 2015, 09:36:07 PM »
Two days of exam, two parts - done.

Tomorrow last day + the last two parts. Keep your fingers crossed.

And I hit 300 posts :)
You're on a winning streak.


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Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

jkkk

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #142 on: March 21, 2015, 10:43:27 AM »
So my one may have wondered what have happened to me on this last day of exams... ;)

Rightly so. It was very difficult for me. The last exam was kind of a killer, a surprise. I prepared myself quite well, I think, for those exams and I did pay attention to many things, I reviewed the exams from previous years... All pretty plain and simple. The one we were furnished with however was to me a different story, a sentiment shared by many of my colleagues. Or it could also all be down to the fact that things look plain and simple when you're sitting reclining in your chair. I don't know ;)

I'm over the exams. The results will be in 3 weeks now. Please keep your fingers crossed for the examination committee who will be marking them.

Some of you who follow my journal might have noticed that some months ago I listed all the things that really stress me out. Here's the list:

I'm having an adventurous time in life, I have to say:

1. I'm just starting to pay my mortgage, OMG,

2. I have a flat to be finished, in order for my wife and I to move in there (we're staying at my parents' now...),

3. I have a serious, very important, big professional exam in half of March '15,

4. I am unsure of my job position after the exam - what would it be, how and so on,

5. I'm completing therapy that started over 4,5 years ago.

And I'm doing a reboot - not a smooth sailing thing.

So there's a lot to stress about. And yes, I can feel the pressure.

I digged that out. Yeah.

Number 1 - well, as for now still paying it ;P I really dunno what's so funny about this statement. I guess this is just how I'm self-assuring myself. Is it less stressing today? Yes, I guess so. For unknown reasons. Probably because it just have been there for a while. I am just getting used to it.

Number 2 - that issue is full-blown now. Almost all planning is done, the budget is done and... it does not hold together very well. We are short of... emm, quite a lot of money. Was it planned over the top? Good question. Don't think so. We didn't go for the cheap stuff, yes, but I also felt we couldn't. We're going to be in the place for many years - nobody know how many! - and in any case it must be a good sell, for security reasons and for sensible reasons. Now we are trying to hire some guys who will finish the flat. This occurred to be really expensive. I mean I knew it could be, but... not to that extent. I'm not feeling too comfortable about it, but, eh, I think as if it just needs to flow. Let's see what happens.

Number 3 - over and out. Now only the results. Hope I passed.

Number 4 - yeah that remains an issue. Amusingly enough, in the meantime there were some topics going on, some job offers and so on. Many of you guys provided me here with with some great thoughts and help. I had time to think on my own too. There are no easy answers. I think thanks to reboot and therapy I even learned how to work. Simply. Actually, it was difficult for me before - I always had issues, misgivings. I always that I deserved more and I was better. "The master of the universe" problem that I described above. Now I think I know how to work. It seems like a skill. An important one. Now, where that work will be done is important, I'm sure. But I also think I ought to relax about it a bit. Headhunters do approach me from time to time but I think I make too much of it. Sure, maybe some think I fit the offer but many want to paper their file. And it's again a pretty simple life wisdom that not every opportunity/opening ends in an offer! I seem to have to convince myself of that. That's also an addiction leftover and a thing to be worked on for life. And an even more important thing - deal with what you have and work with what you got, find opportunities where you are not where you would think it would be better.

Number 5 - that was November and I was at my last therapy meeting at the end of December. It was a big jump for me, no doubt about it. I was in therapy for 4.5 years. It's a long time, I think. I got used to it, yes. Was it too long? This question ventures my mind sometimes but I don't think it's a good question. I learned an awful lot about myself during the therapy and I'm not sure that would happen if I didn't have it or ended it earlier. It was an important part of my life, even though there were long streaks were I overlooked therapy or totally ignored it, not to my benefit. Finding about Reboot Nation was an important factor in ending therapy. I just felt, wow, there are people with the SAME problems who UNDERSTAND me. This is terrific in this place. Now that I have made that substitution, I don't know how long I stay here. Forever? I don't know, but that's not important.


Faith is an important part of me. The reboot was important also because it for once ended the tormenting dissyncro between my life and my faith.

I recently heard a great preaching by a renown monk. I have known this guy for some time so I know he's good, but this particular preaching was very good and spot on indeed. He made his teaching on the basis of the Book of Jonah. He explained all the allegories, paraboles, analogies in that reading thanks to which we were able to understand that the story of Jonah has a very contemporary feeling to itself is a story of every man. And that his story carries some pretty important message to all men, about their nature, their calling and their life. A few thoughts from this teaching resonate with me:

1. a moment comes where a man must finally stop escaping, and do what is his calling, start his fight (as Jonah did jumping in the open ocean)

2. there will always be three things that God will send to every man, all the time: a. he will unsettle you by putting you in new situations that seem difficult, b. he will allow your inner voice to sometimes tell you that you are not worthy, c. when you will try building a relationship with God, you might find... silence (as was the tree, the worm and the wind that God sent to Jonah when he waited outside the city)

3. what is really important for each and every one of us is the upcoming three days. It's pointless to make big projections about how will your life look like in 10 years, 3 years or even a year.

What can I do in the next three days to live my life to the fullest, to help and love those around me and to work honestly?

adrian

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #143 on: March 25, 2015, 07:13:04 AM »
Wow... You have kept a serious journal...  I'm sorry for not being more active on it.
You've come and went through a serious number of changes, and they all look amazing.
The most important thing, you remained on the just path, something that I can not say about myself! I am very proud of you man! I hope you get the best in life, and out of every effort you put in!

Blessings and love!

mtaha2015

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #144 on: March 25, 2015, 02:54:19 PM »
Nice to see your progress.

jkkk

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #145 on: March 28, 2015, 08:50:51 PM »
So I'm sitting right here in the chair. Writing.

It's 3:30 am local time. Wish I could sleep. But I can't. Why?

I want too much too soon. Got myself into a stupid expectations conundrum.

It basically has to do with most of the issues I listed in my post above. That is all in a big mix in my life today. And I screwed it up a bit I think. I'm not blaming myself, though. I'm just human :)

The conundrum would go like that: we don't have money to finish the planned works in the flat, not even the kitchen. That's worrying me, obviously. So I'm thinking I need to get more money. That leads to me thinking about the fact that I'm not earning as much as I would like to at my workplace. That worries me too. So I'm thinking about either changing work, which is worrying, or getting a payrise. A payrise would most likely be conditional on me passing my exam, for the results of which I'm waiting. So the exam now worries me a lot. If I don't pass, I will probably not get a payrise. If I do pass, I might get one, but I'm not sure how much will it be and, well, it will not be enough to immediately allow for finishing the flat. So I'm worried that even if I do get a payrise, it will not be enough and it won't fix the issues. Then maybe a new job would pay more but we go to square one, or two, or three, that a new job is a worrying thing in general. This all happens against the backdrop of well, having this flat, for which I have to pay the mortgage and its costs, which are not small. And, additionally, not finishing the flat means we're still staying with my wife at my parent's place, which is not bad, but c'mon. It's certainly not good for our sex life, and not that great for our life together in general. That's all worrying. I finished therapy so maybe if I had the therapist to speak about this issue, maybe he could be helpful. Who knows. And well, I'm rebooting. That's worrying always ;)

Oh. My. God.

If there's anything good about it is I think that these thoughts have been roaming my head for the last... few months.

Why did I get them out to dry today - I don't know. But here they are.

Phew. Got it out of my system. I'll try to have some sleep nevertheless.

And I already have some solutions. Or rather I should say - my wife came up with some this evening, which probably led me to all this thinking. We will just move in without a kitchen. People did it in the past. We can do that too.

Feel free guys to share you convoluted conundrums as well, let's get them untangled together ;)

mtaha2015

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #146 on: March 28, 2015, 10:20:33 PM »
kind of anxiety ?

jkkk

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #147 on: March 29, 2015, 02:41:05 PM »
I guess so.

Well, my therapist learned me a verb that hasn't got a good translation in English, but it means something like "putting (a situation) in reality".

Until very recently what occupied my mind was my exam. Right now that stage has been completed and I'm all in the flat topic. I just know have gathered all the information to understand I have an issue, which needs a solution. Only now did I decide to put it in reality. I will be digesting that for the next few days - because as it happens in life, what I initially planned is not feasible and I have to adapt.

Sounds like life, doesn't it? Well, many of us addicts have problems with it, so I'm not alone.

mtaha2015

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #148 on: March 29, 2015, 03:27:58 PM »
yup it is anxiety.
let it go.
keep going forward.

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Re: Getting back to life
« Reply #149 on: April 05, 2015, 05:29:13 PM »
I guess so.

Well, my therapist learned me a verb that hasn't got a good translation in English, but it means something like "putting (a situation) in reality".

Until very recently what occupied my mind was my exam. Right now that stage has been completed and I'm all in the flat topic. I just know have gathered all the information to understand I have an issue, which needs a solution. Only now did I decide to put it in reality. I will be digesting that for the next few days - because as it happens in life, what I initially planned is not feasible and I have to adapt.

Sounds like life, doesn't it? Well, many of us addicts have problems with it, so I'm not alone.

Well I look at this entry and I think: I'm on the same stuff again, only this time I'm agonizing about my work situation. It's on my stressor list above and surely it's an important topic, so no wonder I'm thinking about it.

But I know prefer to concentrate on the pattern of "finding out a problem" that I have at the moment. Why has this come to me? I think I'm just going over all those feelings, anxiety, happiness, sadness, excitement, at the same time. It's an eventful time for me. I think I'm entitled to have those feelings and to have those swings.

Signing up for the reboot does not mean all things in life will straighten up immediately. No.

But I think I can tackle and deal with them better when I'm right here and right now, present. And being on the reboot, not acting out, allows me to do that.

Guys, hard times will come inevitably on us. It's how we react. It's whether we're there. That's all that counts. Really, I can lose. I can be beaten. I can have a hard time to come to terms with various things. It's fine. As long as I'm there, getting the brunt and feeling it. And reacting.