Actually, as addicts, engagement was simply something we never had to learn
HumbleRich,This is a very insightful post and thanks for sharing it with us!Very good diagnosis on the addict's perspective, great comparison to healthy views.One of the biggest challenges that I know I face is rewiring. Learning, from scratch, how to have a healthy sexuality. I was addicted years before having a gf, before having sex. I personally know that my sexuality is totally warped and all that you describe is absolutely my case.Include heavy objectification of my wife. She is the love of my life. And yet I have a magnificent problem with objectification. On my part this issue is painful and wrenching for me, because my objectification turns also on negative points that is - in my objectifying addicted consciousness - particularly my wife's breast size.It amazes how after so much reboot and effort this still is a problem for me. This shows just how humble I need to be towards my addiction. At a certain point in acting out I visited a lot of sites about breast augmentation, explaining to myself that this perfectly legit and normal. It is not. I wonder when will these thoughts go away. I really wish they would. They are a byproduct of my addiction and one of the few symptoms that I still feel and that really bothers me.Yet I will not give up. I will fight this sh** to the end or I should rather say that I will LET myself be healed by abstaining from what I cannot control and doing the best in where I have control.Thanks for sharing, once again. This was very spot on for me. If I could return you any favor, let me know.
HR that is a very good take on things. It explains why, as women, even though our man ages we are not bothered so much by the changes that aging brings about in terms of physical attractiveness. We are engaged with the whole person. So a little or more weight here or there is not of concern to us. Graying hair or loss of hair not a big deal. For me, I love the sound of my husband's voice always have always will. Just hearing him talk. And that may explain why we are so blindsided by the whole porn thing.JKKK what was it that you loved about your wife initially? If porn was there before her, then your preference was there. What does she or did she have that overcame that preference? Women want to be more than a sum total of our body parts. My husband used to talk about the way I looked at 18 when he first saw me. I wanted him to say when he sees me now I am amazing. That is important to us. To be attractive throughout our life span especially to our husbands.For my husband and I, we had to reach back and talk about why we got married, what attracted us to one another, why and how did we enjoy being with each other. We had to look at ourselves and find all those things again and bring them to the here and now. An update to our computer system of love.
The progress continues over time. I'm closing in on 800 days and I still am breaking new ground.
JKKK what was it that you loved about your wife initially? If porn was there before her, then your preference was there. What does she or did she have that overcame that preference?
Quote from: lte on February 27, 2015, 11:03:08 AMThe progress continues over time. I'm closing in on 800 days and I still am breaking new ground.This is my hope, this is what I cling on to when I have doubts
Jkkk, I did not mean to make you feel ashamed. I just meant that she attracted you just as she was and still is. That says a lot. That is what my husband and I did. We had to go through and we actually listed the things that attracted us to one another. And we got back to that attraction. I am sorry if you thought I meant the comment in a bad way.
But at the same time, it is natural for a man to appreciate and enjoy his wife's body and vice-versa. The simple fact of enjoying your spouse's body, and desiring to look at it is not "objectifying" the person. Read the Song of Solomon. Do the man and woman "objectify" each other in the Song of Solomon? I think not. Enjoying your spouse's body and desiring to look at it and admire it is a basic aspect of human sexuality that God gave us.
Quote from: challenged on February 27, 2015, 08:01:10 PMBut at the same time, it is natural for a man to appreciate and enjoy his wife's body and vice-versa. The simple fact of enjoying your spouse's body, and desiring to look at it is not "objectifying" the person. Read the Song of Solomon. Do the man and woman "objectify" each other in the Song of Solomon? I think not. Enjoying your spouse's body and desiring to look at it and admire it is a basic aspect of human sexuality that God gave us.But we are discussing a wholly different issue here.What you write is about is the best, most wonderful attraction that there is between a woman and a man. This attraction is not disconnected from being a woman or a man, and the beauty in each sexes. This the point that all struggling with the addiction-induced mindset, which HumbleRich so accurately described, want to reach. If you are there already, or you never left this consciousness, good for you.