Author Topic: Journey of Hungry Ghost  (Read 3664 times)

Hungry Ghost

  • Guest
Journey of Hungry Ghost
« on: February 22, 2015, 06:45:23 PM »
I am 22 Year old from Germany and i am an Addict since 7 Years.

Before i realized what Pornography and Masturbation had done to me, it was maybe just luck that i am still alive. As i can remember i fall in Isolation and Depression. The Root of my Addiction is that Life is sometimes too Stressfull and the Emptyness inside me is so big that it swallows my whole Soul.

The Current State of my Journey:
Relapsed 4 Times last 3 Weeks, which i am really proud of.

I now that i can´t overcome my Addiction if i don´t solve another Problem with my Body, which is the actually Root of everything.

The Goal is compelete Abstince, but the Beginning is a Reboot from Pornography.

Hungry Ghost







shadyjay

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 23
    • View Profile
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2015, 12:02:03 AM »
Good luck man! I've actually found this website very helpful since I joined. Even though it directly talks about porn etc, it does not glorify it and we are constantly reminded that it is a real addiction and not to be taken lightly. It's helped me stay focused so far and I hope some brainstorming and discussions can help you as well!

Hungry Ghost

  • Guest
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2015, 05:59:14 PM »
I relapsed and later meditated 2 hours. I came to following conclusion about my Addiction:

Seeking Novelty, the first thing i always do when i relapse is to search for the hottest Torrents past Days. Dopamin Rush
Seeking Love, occasionally i masturbate to Incest Story. The Love from my Parents was disrupted by many negative Events in my Childhood which maybe traumatized me.
Seeking Relief, if Life is too Stressful or the Pain to big. When i can´t solve a Problem or Help isn´t available.

I think i need to open my Heart, let the Feelings out. Be more open to other Persons and to myself.

Hungry Ghost

Edit: I am disappointed of myself that i am relapsing over and over again. My Problems are no excuse for this embarrasing Behaviour.
The Plan for next Days: I have  today my first Skin Treatment, which will lead to another hopefully. I try to Focus more on Fitness and my Plan to become an Engineer, which is probably the hardest choice i will make this Year.


« Last Edit: February 23, 2015, 06:52:20 PM by Hungry Ghost »

Revialk

  • Guest
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2015, 07:12:04 PM »

The Goal is compelete Abstince, but the Beginning is a Reboot from Pornography.

Hungry Ghost

Are you still on this? I think complete abstinence is way too irrealistic and would lead to frustration and relapses only. Why not trying with ''my goal is to have a healthy sexual behaviour that corresponds with my true self''. With true self I mean the guy who you truly want to become, the one from your full potential. Sometimes we misunderstand our own will and can't go forwards because we have no clear, realistic objectives.

Maxime

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 445
    • View Profile
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2015, 08:23:37 PM »
I agree with this. Very important to have a clear, defined and realistic objective. Make it significant enough that it's worth achieving, but not so far away that it can still be reached.

MioMio

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2015, 01:24:10 PM »
The Goal is compelete Abstince, but the Beginning is a Reboot from Pornography.

Okay, so your goals is to stop watching pr0n!
Since you consider three relapses in four weeks a good thing, I sugesst you take baby steps. 30 days/3 relapses = ten days - way too much!
How about setting your new goal to 5 days without pmo? As soon as you reach five days, add five and again ....

Use pop-up blockers, site blockers, internet filters. Get rid of your pr0n collection. I konw deleting your hard drive from porn is a tough choice (soo much work and man-hours), but it's absolutely mandatory! Since you want to minimize possible triggers, also ask yourself what other media may make you relapse. I stopped watching many tv shows due to the amount of nudity. Finally, be honest with yourself, read other journals and come back if you need help :D

Hungry Ghost

  • Guest
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2015, 01:25:46 PM »
Are you still on this? I think complete abstinence is way too irrealistic and would lead to frustration and relapses only. Why not trying with ''my goal is to have a healthy sexual behaviour that corresponds with my true self''. With true self I mean the guy who you truly want to become, the one from your full potential. Sometimes we misunderstand our own will and can't go forwards because we have no clear, realistic objectives.

You are right, I personally believe that Abstince is a Key Factor to unleash full Potential. But it´s truly irrealistic for someone who Masturbated since Puberty.
Thanks for correcting me, I totally agree with you.

Use pop-up blockers, site blockers, internet filters. Get rid of your pr0n collection. I konw deleting your hard drive from porn is a tough choice (soo much work and man-hours), but it's absolutely mandatory! Since you want to minimize possible triggers, also ask yourself what other media may make you relapse. I stopped watching many tv shows due to the amount of nudity. Finally, be honest with yourself, read other journals and come back if you need help :D

Yes, I am at a Point were the biggest Trigger is my Self-Esteem. I need to give my self more Love and Faith.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2015, 01:47:21 PM by Hungry Ghost »

Hungry Ghost

  • Guest
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2015, 11:55:17 AM »
DAY 2:

The urge to watch Pornography isn´t big, but the urge to Masturbation is nearly fucking unbearable. Due to I exercised lately everyday, Blood it pumping trough my whole Body. Even after I relapsed, I have an Semi-Erection the Morning after.
Also I already experienced a Week of Flatline 2 Month ago, were I made a 12 Day Streak personal Record.

I am aware of that Masturbation is ok, after I read the YBOP Ebook, but the control loss of my decisions make my crazy.

Is Abstinence really impossible for me?
Do I have to obey my Urges for the next Years, even if it´s only Masturbation?



xtremeb

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 59
    • View Profile
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2015, 12:28:19 PM »
Study study everything about this, check videos, articles, tips on YBOP ! Meanwhile start changing way of thinking, living! start build new habits, better habits !

Hungry Ghost

  • Guest
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2015, 06:09:18 PM »
I relapsed, first I masturbated 5 Minutes, then watched 10 Minuten Pornographic Pictures through the Net.

The good Thing: No Brain Fog, somewhat Controlled
The bad Thing: Already at Day 2, with Pornography

After I didn´t leave today the Apparment, maybe it was too much Isolation or too less Activity which lead to that.

My Goals at the Moment are:
Pornography Free Life (Abstinence seems not reachable)
Healthy Skin (Had my first Treatment Yesterday, next Week another and some Advise Appointments)
After both i wanna study Electronic besides Work which will drain most of my Focus the next Years if i make it so far
Also I wanna reach an highly Aesthetic Body

I have no desire for an Relationship, too much Money or Sex. To reach Satisfaction I just need an loving Enviroment, which i leak alot.



Hungry Ghost

  • Guest
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2015, 03:11:15 PM »
Today I masturbated with ejaculation without Pornography since 1 Year. My fantasies were pretty normal and loving.

Afterwards, I still felt so good that I hit the Gym and made a very good Workout with 30 Minute Strenght and Cardio each Session.
I had no Brain Fog or felt any negative Effects of the Masturbation, also no tiredness or depression.

Updating my Goal from PMO to 30 Days, I feel more confident now. Fight the Root, not the Symptoms.


Hungry Ghost

  • Guest
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #11 on: March 01, 2015, 06:27:15 PM »
Since 2 Days I have started to play an strategy Game on my Snartphone, which I do about 2-3 Times per Year. Normally I don't wanna waste my Time but it's extremely relaxing and entertaining.
The Point is here to make it useful and not harmful. I will try to play not more than 10 Minutes 2 times per Day until deletion.

Edit: Had a Wet Dream today with an Morning Wood at Wake Up. I dreamed of Masturbation.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2015, 07:07:14 AM by Hungry Ghost »

Hungry Ghost

  • Guest
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2015, 06:07:21 PM »
I masturbated today with Ejaculation 1 Day earlier than my Goal. Without feeling disappointed I continued my Day in good Mood.

At the Moment i see this results: My addiction to Pornography is a 6 Months struggle, feeling more confident than ever to get rid of it.
                                                    Second, my Powerloss after Ejaculation is nearly gone and Morning Woods are pretty Frequent past Weeks.
                                                    Third, if it´s possible for me to reach 30 or 90 Days, I will begin to Focus on Abstince.

Also, my Skin Problematic is getting at his Peak at Summer, because at the Moment I couldn´t wear T-Shirts, which makes me really nervous. Tomorrow an Advise Appointment and Thursday seconds Treament. This is probably the only Reason why I woudn´t escape from my Addiction.

Hungry Ghost

  • Guest
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #13 on: March 04, 2015, 07:59:59 PM »
Update about Addiction:
Little Cravings, some Fantasies, weak Urges, watched since 7 Days no sexual teasing Material, still Busy with Life

Update about Life:
- Preparing my Registration for my integrated degree programm
- today second Skin Treatment, in 2 Weeks third Treatment and fourth advise Appointment in a much cheaper Institution

Update about Emotions:
Past Days were too stressful but very nourishing for my Soul because of the good Support from my Family and Doctors.

Pretty sure I will masturbate next Days, but need really stay on Track to remove Pornography from my Life.

Hungry Ghost

  • Guest
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2015, 11:23:11 AM »
Relapsed after 9 Days without Pornograhy and 4 Days without MO, unfortunately I feel very good. No Depression, No Brain Fog, No Shame, No Energy Loss

Duration was 5 Minutes, I still wanna quit Pornography, but I don´t think that at my current State of Life, I will ever make it.

And it was not worth it!

New Goals: 14 Days no PMO, 3 Days no MO

- Registration for my dual degree programm beginning of April, after my Skin Process gets clear, to life hopefully an better life
- Past 2 Years I normaly Meditate about 10 Hours per Week (sometimes even 20 Hours), but this Week I didn´t even done 1 Hour

I wanna reach this States of Life: Being an Engineer to live an good Life in a bad System, being Spiritually and Mindfully at my Peak to reach full Potential (this include at least no PMO), beeing Healthy and Attractive to Connect with more Possibilities. That´s it.



« Last Edit: March 06, 2015, 11:36:46 AM by Hungry Ghost »

Hungry Ghost

  • Guest
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #15 on: March 11, 2015, 10:44:10 AM »
Little Update:

Wet Dream Today!
Cancel Skin Treatments because their are ineffective or to expensive
New Advise Appointments for other Treatments
Registrated for my dual Bachelor Program


I Accept That My Consciousness Is An Illusion And I Have No Free Will



lte

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 834
  • Personal Text
    Master Of My Domain
    • View Profile
Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« Reply #16 on: March 13, 2015, 10:48:13 PM »

The Goal is compelete Abstince, but the Beginning is a Reboot from Pornography.

Hungry Ghost

Are you still on this? I think complete abstinence is way too irrealistic and would lead to frustration and relapses only. Why not trying with ''my goal is to have a healthy sexual behaviour that corresponds with my true self''. With true self I mean the guy who you truly want to become, the one from your full potential. Sometimes we misunderstand our own will and can't go forwards because we have no clear, realistic objectives.
I would disagree. We have been sold a bill of goods regarding sex. You do not need sex in order to live and be happy; in fact, being in control of sexual desire helps us to have a better sex life in the long run. I am not advocating celibacy as a lifestyle, but I believe it is important and attainable for a man to be in complete control of his sexual desires. Once this is achieved, it becomes a lot easier to make good decisions in finding a mate, as opposed getting whatever you can and hoping that at some point in time you find someone with whom you can forge a durable relationship.

Misinformation regarding our ability to be in control of our sex drive is at the very root of porn addiction and compulsive masturbation. I've been on both sides of this issue and lived with a masturbation compulsion for over 40 year, a compulsion that ruined my life a destroyed the love of two women that cared enough for me to marry me. Had I been in control of my sexual desires I would probably still be with my first wife, or perhaps I would have waited until I was more mature before I got married. I was WEAK! It wasn't until roughly 830 days ago that I made real progress with this problem and discovered an inner strength. I'm no longer "triggered" by the sight of a scantily clad woman in an advertisement. I no longer struggle, fearing that I will become obsessed with some aspect of sexuality and end up binging on porn. Having lived both sides of this issue I can tell you that I feel much stronger and much more in control of myself than I did before 12/02/12, that date that I first started this journey.

At this moment I have no desire to view porn. I could be watching porn five seconds from now but I'm not tempted in the slightest. I could go and jerk off and empty my prostate any time I want, but I don't want to. I far prefer to walk a bit taller, feel greater confidence and to wear a smile on my face, knowing that I am in control of myself, master of my own domain.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward