Author Topic: Hope  (Read 2161 times)

dkph1hj

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Hope
« on: April 06, 2014, 12:59:38 AM »
Been sober (without alcohol) for 20 months. Always knew I also had a problem w/ PMO, all I ever heard in AA was, "As long as you're not putting mood altering chemicals in your body,... go nuts!!!".

That is until I got my current sponsor. It took 5 sponsors (quit on the first three, fourth moved away and fifth violated my trust by borrowing money from me, $20-$50 a pop until he was into me for $1200. He did get me to step 5, but when I told him he needed to talk to his sponsor about the money, he said, "I don't believe in sponsorship." I said, "But you are sponsoring me. You need to get a sponsor and figure out your money problem." He said, "I am trying to use you as me sponsor." We were very close, but I had to fire him and get number six... okay enough ranting.) before I found someone I think I can work with for a very long time.

During my 5 step with sponsor 6, I found the first person I my life that gave me hope that I could be free from P and M (still hope to get married someday and have lots of O!). Very soon into the steps we discussed that AA is a Christian program. I had done some research on the history of AA and heartily agreed. But I still had a problem - I was born protestant and he was a catholic. The good news was that I had been let down by my denomination and had been searching for a new one that would complement my efforts in AA. The other good news is that he did not try to recruit me to his belief system. He is the first man who ever shared deep devotion and inspiration about his religion without trying to get me to join his church.

Fast forward to today. I went to first confession today. I started in RCIA classes last September (too my sponsor's dismay! He prayed to God to be only my AA sponsor and was told, "If you support Dino in his RCIA efforts and he doesn't become catholic, that's on him. If you don't support Dino and he doesn't become catholic, that's on you!") and have been making progress with porn avoidance. Chose  to get rid of home internet and iPhone5 (downgraded to and Alcatel 871a! and realized I was not only addicted to porn, but instant internet also). Soon I found a neighbor's unsecured wifi and was back to the races. Installed Qustodio on my Macbook and installed nonGUI OS on other laptop.

It has been very difficult giving it up. I have relapsed many times, always isolating and being finally given that gift of desperation that comes from absolute misery and that point when I have to chose  either “to go on the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of [my] intolerable situation as best could; and the other to accept spiritual help.” Like I said, my sponsor had given me hope that I could not be dominated by the P and M, but he is 30 years older than me (I am 46) and never did indulge much in P or M, let alone internet porn. My new pastor has been a priest for 25 years and has a PHD in psychology. When I first met with him a couple of months into my RCIA studies to discuss my problems with P and M, I thought he would tell me, “Just join the church and love God and everything will be alright.” That’s what everyone else said unless they just told me it was okay and natural and normal and everybody does it.

He said, “You need to have a personality change sufficient to recover from your addiction.” I thought, “No shit! I think I’ve heard that in an AA meeting!” Leading up to today, 5 Apr 2014 - my first confession, I had more and more anxiety about this PMO addiction as, for me, it is much different than alcohol. I have go get the alcohol,... and pay for it!!! Internet porn is just a click away! And free… sort of. My sponsor has been telling me that I don’t really know what it is costing me emotionally, physically (I finally experienced ED while looking at my favorite site!) and especially in relationships. So last night I masturbated, only hours from my first confession. How demoralizing. I am grateful for our lead pastor who has 40 years of experience hearing confessions really helped me calm down about the experience. I did NOT bring my fourth step as I had planned. I told him some one time things that gave me much shame and embarrassment and about the things that still consume me, P and M.

He was exceedingly kind, understanding and compassionate. The thing I remember most that he said I would need is God’s grace and that it will take effort to get free of it. And then he absolved me. Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I’m free at last!. For me, it is a much different experience to “confess your sins to one another” than it is to confess to one who is bound by threat of excommunication not to reveal my confession and also one who is empowered with the commission of John 20:22-23 to forgive and retain sins. So I got on the computer this afternoon and was looking at some inspirational videos on YouTube, when I was something that changed my life. Why I stopped watching porn: Ran Gavrieli at TEDxJaffa 2013. I had never heard an intelligent non-religious man talk about porn as prostitution and that for every one woman who is making money and seems happy in porn there thousands who end up poor, oppressed and on drugs, heading towards being the victim of abuse, murder and suicide.

And my participation on the demand side of the market would inevitably fuel the supply. I am can no longer claim innocence, that I am only watching porn and that the women I watch are obviously enjoying it. Thank goodness that story doesn’t end there. The same internet that lead me to my porn addiction has lead me to the solution. Gary Wilson’s TED talk lead to YBOP and the rest is the rest of my life. It is now 24 hours without PMO. The first day of the rest of my life.
« Last Edit: April 06, 2014, 01:01:39 AM by dkph1hj »

Tclay

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Re: Hope
« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2014, 05:04:39 AM »
dkph1hj,

We have all been kicked around by porn here.  Best advise for the foreseeable future for you is to read lots of journals on this site and contribute.  The give and take of ideas, the common goals... All help tremendously. 

WELCOME! 
The Guy

somethingelse

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Re: Hope
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2014, 04:25:08 PM »
dkp

Warm welcome to the Nation. Read up on ybop, post, share and familiarise yourself about this community. You've beaten one painstaking addiction, you definitely have it in you to conquer this one.

The same internet that lead me to my porn addiction has lead me to the solution.

The irony you presented in that quote, is remarkably true. I think on one video on ybop it mentioned something along the lines of 'the same processes that got us addicted can set us free' all courtesy of the brain. New behaviours can be learned and espoused. Those 24 hours of freedom can become the new ritual and pretty soon it will be 24 years of freedom and more.

To you're inevitable success dkp, I part.

Jverhoye

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Re: Hope
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2014, 09:51:18 AM »
Welcome, dkp!  You have found a source of great support here.  I went through RCIA 25 years ago, and I just finished a nearly 3 year treatment program for Compulsive Sexual Behavior (CSB), so I can relate to what you are going through.  It sounds like you also have some very supportive people in your life, which is really helpful.  Keep checking in here.  There is a ton of wisdom that gets shared.