Author Topic: Return To Reboot - 29M - MyBestSelf  (Read 2014 times)

mybestself

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Return To Reboot - 29M - MyBestSelf
« on: February 14, 2015, 05:56:15 PM »
And I here I find myself once more : )

Through my first attempt I was able to make 29 days porn free. My second attempt was around 18 days where at the end of day 18 I relapsed a few times, each relapse making use of more explicit content whilst taking me deeper and deeper into a funk. Last night was one of those nights where I found myself taking measures to view pornography whilst my fiancee was still in the flat - not cool.

On the plus side reaching that low has also helped to motivate me to re-start my journal once more and so here I am.

What am I going to do differently this time?
1. I'm going to read from the success journal forum each day and see if I can learn from those who have achieved some lasting sobriety
2. Continue to leave my work laptop at work regardless of whether Rachel is home or not. This adds 15-20 minutes onto my day tops which isn't that much
3. Restart daily meditation. 15 minutes a day after returning home from work
4. Continue setting a time limit of 1 hour when playing any computer games. I'll have the option to play more later but I don't want to play any longer than an hour at a time

<Edit> 12.45pm and already I feel so much more at peace for having re-committed to recovery
 
Wish me luck!
MyBestSelf
« Last Edit: February 14, 2015, 08:47:17 PM by mybestself »




willspbr87

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Re: Return To Reboot - 29M - MyBestSelf
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2015, 10:02:22 PM »
Didn't you have a previous journal on this forum? If so, why not use it?


Last streak: 61 days without PMO

Check my jornal: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=3439.0

mybestself

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Re: Return To Reboot - 29M - MyBestSelf
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2015, 03:28:59 PM »
Day 2. 16/02/2015

Hey will, thanks for stopping by. You're right that I do have a previous journal on this forum though after having a series of relapses I've decided to start fresh. I guess there's pros and cons to both. What are your thoughts?

I had the most relaxing day that I've had in perhaps weeks... or maybe it just feels that way relative to the toxic lifestyle of being fixated on pornography which is where I have been for the last week or so. I know that this peace came from the following:

1. Deciding I was going to restart my recovery journal and posting online
2. Patching up a hole in my web filters that I had been using to watch pornography
3. Purchasing a book on motivation and spending some of my time yesterday reading outside in the sun
4. Working through a few items on my to do list - ordering the weekly food shop, tidying the house etc..
5. Enjoying some regulated time playing computer games (i.e. playing for an hour or less at a time

I desperately want to keep this up and not fall off the band wagon after 2-3 weeks of sobriety and will be making an effort to read more on other journals in the hope that I can learn a thing or two that I can apply to my own journey.

Need to head to work now but will be logging in later this afternoon.

Read a passage from a book that made the suggestion of reversing a negative thought when it manifests. Got me thinking, when I experience temptation to seek out pornography I typically try to push the thought away as opposed to reversing it and focusing on all the benefits I gain from a porn free life. So...By living a life free of porn I...

1. I can enjoy REAL intimacy and passion with my fiancee and future wife
2. I can experience life in all it's glory, no longer dampened by porn induced depression
3. I can channel my sexual energy into the pursuit of building a strong and healthy body
4. I can once more dare to dream big and more than that, to chase those dreams
5. I can let go of the traumas from my past which caused to medicate with pornography and start moving forward with my life

Wow, I actually found it really hard to come up with the above, almost as if an invisible force was trying to block me from coming up with reasons to NOT watch porn. Well, I stuck through it and made a list of 5 anyway : ) To be continued

mybestself
« Last Edit: February 16, 2015, 03:44:27 AM by mybestself »




mybestself

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Re: Return To Reboot - 29M - MyBestSelf
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2015, 03:32:42 PM »
Day 3. 17/02/2015

Super quick post as I got out of bed 30 minutes late and I need to leave for work. Feeling pretty tired with stomach cramps from what I take to be as a result of the meal which I cooked last night (maybe the peanut sauce??).

Reading a book on motivation. Ready a chapter today where it broke down a formula for achieving motivation - step 1 you need to have a clear goal. Step 2 you need to regularly focus on said goal. Step 3. You need to believe you can achieve it. These steps really hit home for me. It's been a while since I really focused on the goal of sobriety (beyond just writing in a journal each day) and perhaps it's also been a while since I really believed that I could put it all behind me once and for all.

Well today this changes. My goal is to go porn free for 90 days, my longest stretch ever. I am absolutely going to step up my game and I will succeed. It's time I finally put these old behaviours to rest.

mybestself
« Last Edit: February 17, 2015, 06:05:26 AM by mybestself »




mybestself

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Re: Return To Reboot - 29M - MyBestSelf
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2015, 03:59:41 AM »
Day 4. 18/02/2015

Ever since I started reading that book on motivation (which also focuses heavily on fear and how 99% of what we fear is bullshit) I've had a some pretty interesting things happen to me. All in the last week I have:
1. Been invited to partake in a flashmob (I said yes. flashmob on Friday)
2. Been asked if I'd like to be interviewed for a local paper (I said yes and am meeting the journalist on Friday)
3. Made a friend with someone from my block of flats who I seem to gel really well with (I don't think I've ever really made friends with someone living in the same block of flats)

I've also started trying some sessions where I sit, close my eyes and focus intently on what I want to strive for in my life - One of the big themes being my desire to be free from pornography for good. I was hit by some pretty heavy temptation to google a particular porn start today but Instead I was able to go outside to my balcony and focus on my new life of sobriety. So far so good!

Mybestself




Maxime

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Re: Return To Reboot - 29M - MyBestSelf
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2015, 07:02:12 AM »
I'm happy I read your posts, they are motivating me too! Thanks and keep at it!

willspbr87

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Re: Return To Reboot - 29M - MyBestSelf
« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2015, 06:39:21 PM »
Day 2. 16/02/2015

You're right that I do have a previous journal on this forum though after having a series of relapses I've decided to start fresh. I guess there's pros and cons to both. What are your thoughts?

I think having only one journal is best, not only to manage, but also to remind yourself of your past failures so you can stay alert of the tricks that your mind has played on you.

Good thing that you've set your counter for a short time first. If 7 days is all you can reach this time, it's okay, as it's better to be happy for reaching 10 days after you set seven than to be frustrated for reaching 11 days after you set 30. Over time, when this goal becomes easy for you, then you can set your counter for a longer streak. That's what I do. The maximum time I went without masturbating was 38 days, and in January I could stay clean for 32. As it's easy for me to stay 2 to 3 weeks without masturbating, I set my current goal for 60 days because I want to challenge myself!


Last streak: 61 days without PMO

Check my jornal: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=3439.0

mybestself

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Re: Return To Reboot - 29M - MyBestSelf
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2015, 05:01:04 AM »
Day 5. 19/02/2015

@Maxime - Thank you for stopping by and for your words. I hope you're writing a journal also, I'll check yours out if you are
@Will - I can see your position but I'm still divided on what's best for me. I don't want to ignore the fact that I relapsed but It's also a weight off my shoulders starting with a fresh counter. Currently planning on hitting my target of 7 days then reaching for 30 days after that.

For the second day in the row today I felt a desire to google for that same porn star and I'm glad to say that again I was able to go out to my balcony, close my eyes and focus intently on the man I want to be. At first it was a little tricky and I found my mind wondering though after maybe 5-10 minutes I was able to hone my mind on the life that I want for myself, a life where my willpower and resolve are as strong as a rock, a life where I chase my dreams without fear. After doing this for another 5-10 minutes I was able to really solidify the feeling. It's now 45 minutes later and I no longer have any temptation to act out - success!! : )

Still meeting that journalist tomorrow morning and I'll be doing the flashmob in the afternoon. Feeling pretty darn good about myself.

mybestself




mybestself

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Re: Return To Reboot - 29M - MyBestSelf
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2015, 08:34:28 PM »
Day 8. 22/02/2015

Day 8 and going strong! : D

Had a fantastic day out with my company on Friday and even received a reward for my work. Yesterday (Saturday) was pretty much a write off where I was recovering from my hang over, I spent most of the day playing a computer game but at least I didn't try to act out. Today I reached my first goal of 7 days and will be creating a new counter with a target of 14 days.

I've also rejigged my daily routine somewhat. Moving forward I'm going to be focusing on the following:

1. Morning Meditation where I envision the qualities which I desire for myself. These include:
  - An iron resolve, I envision my willpower being solid, strong and completely impervious
  - A life where I no longer have any desire to seek out pornography
  - Two presentable hands with unbitten finger nails. Further evidence of my iron resolve
  - A strong body to go with my strong mind
  - A leader in my field of work
2. Reading ever day. Both on the bus to work as well as at home
3. Journalling when I make it home from work
4. No more than 1 hour of computer games after returning home from work
5. A consistent effort at keeping my environment tidy

I may (and hope) that I will revise the above further in the weeks/months to come but for now this is the structure that I'll be aiming for.

mybestself




Maxime

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Re: Return To Reboot - 29M - MyBestSelf
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2015, 08:43:01 PM »
Keep at it! It's a big motivation boost to read this! Enjoy every little successes and victories! Being praised for a work well done is always appreciated.