Thinking of looking at Porn again? Here's why it's a bad idea....

Hello,

Just wanted to post something based on my experience about a thought quite a few people seem to have.  The thought is,'well I've not looked at P for some time now, it would be interesting to take a look just to see how I find it'.  I acted on this thought about 10 years ago, having given up P for a few years previously because I knew my use was very compulsive.

For me this thought was accompanied by, 'well, I've managed to give it up for quite a while.  So if it is a problem to look at it, it should be easy to stop again.  At least I know how to do it'.  Anyway, I acted on that thought ten years ago.  It felt weird to look at the porn at first - 'What? I really used to enjoy this?  It feels a bit seedy and gross'.  However I M'd and O'd and about a week later had the idea of looking at it again.  Things went downhill over a few months and my use got completely out of control again.  After about 5 years, I went to some 12 step meetings (like alcholics anonymous, but for sex addiction) which helped to slow me down but didn't stop me completely.  The most time without P I've had in the last ten years has been about 6 weeks - which I managed a few times.  But sometimes it's also been really bad.  I stayed up really late looking at P almost every day in January for example.

So, it wasn't as easy to give up again as I thought! (After ten years I think that counts as an understatement  ).  Why?

Well, firstly, what I did not know at the time was that because my use of P was longstanding, I had set up a circuit in my brain that will probably always be there.  It may weaken, but realistically, part of me will probably always find it easy to go back to P.  I would liken the feeling of this to never forgetting to ride a bike - or to ice skate for example.  I skated recently for the first time in 20 years.  I was a little wobbly at first, but found my balance within about 20 minutes.  Compare this to someone who has never skated before, who may need several hours of practice to even begin to get the hang of it.  So, because I am used to it, my brain knows how to use P compulsively, and finds it very, very easy to fall back into that mode given half a chance.  So if you have used P compulsively, rebooted, and not had a relapse, it may be easier than you realise to become addicted again.  If you are thinking about it I would just ask you to think about what I am saying and ask: is it worth the risk?  For me I started enjoying and craving extreme P again after a few weeks, having not really thought about it at all for a couple of years.

The other reason I think I have found it difficult to give up P, is that recovery isn't as exciting the second time round.  I suspect this can be understood in terms of brain chemistry too (although I am no neuroscientist, I think this makes sense).  The first time I gave up P it was really exciting.  My mind was full of questions:  Can I do it?  Will I explode with frustration?  Will my life just  beccome totally amazing?  Or will I uncover any underlying emotional issues?  That's exciting and frightening to think about - I want to grow, but can I handle the challenge?  These questions made abstaining from P an exciting, if very difficult at times, journey.  One of the first things I did was to tell a friend of mine who also has an addiction my story.  That was scary,exciting and made me feel really connected to him in a beautiful way. 

So you can see in this process there is a lot of motivation and excitement (triggering release of brain chemicals like dopamine and adreniline) and there are also beautiful expereiences of connection (releasing natural opioids).  Now one of the things that triggers dopamine is novelty  - so giving up for the first time is a bit of a buzz - a bit like finding a new P star you think is amazing!  But the second time is kind of old hat - you know that P star already, and want a different one.  You know you can give up.  The challenge isn't so exciting.  And telling your story to someone a second time isn't as exciting or scary, and doesn't make you feel quite as connected either.  So the point is that giving up a second time is (for me at least) much harder, because it's not as exciting or new as the first time. 

Add in to all that some depressed thinking that even if you gave up again, you might restart again as you have already done so once, so whats the point? and you have what I am going to call a real doozer of a situation.

So my advice, from personal experience, if you have stopped looking at P because it was compulsive, and you're thinking of one last cheeky peak?

Don't.

Hope that helps even one person.  If so, at least that gives some purpose to the last ten years of P-related misery....

All the best,

Will.[/b]

For the formatting of your text, you can modify your post - makes it easier to follow.

What the content is concerned I absolutely agree with everything you say. When I made that decision to stop, it was overwhelming. It was exciting because something was about to change in my life! People fail and stand up again, yes, it works. But it's not guarantee. What we do not see in this forum: some people fail and they stop trying.

The difficult point for people who relapse and want to strictly abandon p again is that they all claim how bad p was for their lives. Then they relapse and their brain rewards them. World still turns. Light still shines. And it feels good! Nothing bad happens so we conclude that it can't be THAT bad for the recovery...which makes it harder to keep up the tough program.

Recovery is like Odysseus and the sirens. They warn us. We know what will happen. We know that we will be tempted. But despite all good intentions we all reach that one point where the evil on our shoulder explains to us in detail why it cannot be a bad idea to try just once again. The reasons are good and we question our project. And we wonder: could it hurt to just nibble a bit?

The answer is: yes. Yes it can hurt. We need to tie ourselves to the pole. The temptation will pass and then we'll go like "oh boy, glad we didn't give in".

Hi Chaos mind - thanks for the tip on modifying my post.

Really like the Odysseus metaphor by the way - so true!

Will5000, thank you for such a great post. One of the best I've seen on this forum.

I've been working on this for around 4 years now, and before that even when I was 12-14-16 I knew I had a problem. I'm 27 now.

Over the years as I relapsed, got back up, and relapsed again, my very core was dying, I was giving up on life. I've seen so many times how a quick peek can lead to a huge binge, sometimes lasting months. Also how at first, when relapsing after a period of sobriety, P seemed dull, almost silly. The last time I relapsed I remember thinking that I was over it, because it didn't grab me like it had before, within  a month I was suicidal and thinking of plans and in one of the lowest points of my life.

This stuff is no joke. If you have a PMO addiction it can and will literally devastate your life. It did for me.

Again, thanks Will, I'm really glad you're here.
Roll Steady.
Indiana.

Thanks Indiana - I was touched by your post, and can relate to what you are saying.

Also wanted to say I checked out some of your other posts and came across your link to a radio broadcast on dealing with urges.  Not sure I learned much new but it was a timely reminder - turning your mind away from triggers quickly works.

As I am getting towards a week away from P, I'm finding I'm getting a little more triggered, so it was hepful.  Also learning that the sex drive peaks at about 2 weeks away from O, so it's just a matter of handling this intensity.  Rings true in my experience, but I can start to fear I will explode...

Anyway, keep on keepin' on,

Will.

Thanks for this post. I've been doing pretty good since October, but recently saw a movie that was kind of a trigger. I realized the addiction is something that may always be. There was a scene that just stayed with me. It's like the dopamine and adrenaline were right there again.

I'm terrible with moderation. I tried giving up all sugar, but fell off that wagon multiple times. P seems to be the thing I just have to try and forget. Knowing the feeling I'd have after viewing or PMO helps. It's also easier to not have to hide a separate life.

Totally agree with indiana here. This poisonous shit can fuck up every aspect of your life and suck dry the joy of everything you once enjoyed.
After a short time of not watching porn when i think about some of the things i watched it makes me want to vomit. It fills me with nothing but disgust for the filthy whores that appeared on my screen. Emaciated crack heads doing awful things for cash. How in the fuck does that make you horny?!

Fapppah

I agree strongly with your main point here - It's important to stay in touch with why this stuff is so bad - for me it takes up all my time, leaving me exhausted, depressed and ashamed.  It also somehow changes my attitudes, leaving me a meaner person, less able to enjoy life, less caring towards others.

For me, it's important not to feel disgust towards the porn stars themselves however.  They are human beings.  Some of them have been abused (In fact, I've met one who told me a horrific story about her background).  Some of them have been sex-trafficked.  I'm pretty sure 'happy hookers' are fairly rare. 

The way I see it, the crying shame of porn is that I am devaluing the human beings who are on the screen in front of me.  I am devaluing myself too.  I suspect most porn stars are also devaluing themselves.  We are all humans.  I hope we all find love and joy in our lives.

All the best,

Will.

couldn't agree more. The one fact is: everything that makes us dependant is something we link positive experiences with, may they be of dopamine origin or not.

The simple logic behind abstaining might be: I control it now, as you wrote.

However: Those are "substances, situations and actions" we utilize to feel better and therefore crave them. The sheer power of their appeal makes us want them. The only thing preventing us from binging on them are:

1. availability
2. social restrictions and punishment -> like group exclusion -> fear of loneliness
3. technicalities
4. WILLPOWER -> the very own intrinsic motivational factor here

If we were to abstain from something we once were hooked on, we might feel a sense of control - at first. The sole fact that we got hooked on it simply is still there in our consciousness and will never go away. It is like stage fright. The only thing we can do is fight it with WILLPOWER. And that involves huge costs from our side like:

1. abstaining totally
2. controlling ourselves by monitoring -> the absolute most difficult thing
3. being monitored -> like with medication
4. alternate pattern habituation -> "if I do this then that and then that and as a reward I get that" very difficult conditioning (and harsh)

In general, it is too difficult to get back to "light" use if you once were a "heavy" user - at least with most of addictions/compulsions. of course there is no 100% rule. But I would say that total abstinence in most cases is easier, because the body and brain are not reminded about the "good vibes".

Thank you very much for starting this topic, since it is of very great importance to everybody here.

Will5000
"For me, it's important not to feel disgust towards the porn stars themselves however.  They are human beings.  Some of them have been abused (In fact, I've met one who told me a horrific story about her background).  Some of them have been sex-trafficked.  I'm pretty sure 'happy hookers' are fairly rare. 

The way I see it, the crying shame of porn is that I am devaluing the human beings who are on the screen in front of me.  I am devaluing myself too.  I suspect most porn stars are also devaluing themselves.  We are all humans.  I hope we all find love and joy in our lives."

I totally agree, it's devaluing and harmful, to say the least, on all ends. The women and men in porn are objectifying themselves just as much as I objectified them on screen. Maybe there are some happy porn stars, who knows, and if so good for them. But there are also numerous women who are there from trafficking, early abuse, or just simply from living in this culture where women are treated as sex objects from so many angles. Media, advertising, fellow men and women, it seems like the norm to treat women as an object.

Fappy, I totally agree that after some time away, I'm horrified and disgusted at some of the things I've masturbated to online, WTF bro, WTF. The thing that's helping me a lot is I'm seeing it more and more as a piece of the addiction. "I dare anyone to do crack and act like a normal human being" Russell Brand (at least he said something like that)

With PMO, if you are addicted, it warps you, and warps your reality, and in turn warps your actions. I could never see a place for moderate use, I've never been able to do that, it seems insane, literally, to think that it would happen, and more over the further I get out of it, why would I ever want moderate use of a soul and life destroying substance.

Porn destroyed how I've viewed and treated women. I've been pretty lucky to be with some very, very beautiful ladies. But I objectified the hell out of them and also was so emotionally numb that I had no way to love them back. I don't want to be that man, I can't live that way.

Porn destroyed the way I treated myself. I became the failure, the joke, the loser. I'm none of these things. I've done some remarkable things but PMO addiction side railed my life for a long time.

It's always going to be there, and that really scares me. It's a few clicks away, but it's also only a screen, I can walk away and I hope with every fiber of my being, find new ways to live and hopefully a partner to share my sexuality with, not a fucking pixel.

Rock and Roll
Indiana.